Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (15 page)

Imagine a spider web. Note that it is held up by many threads. If you cut one, the web still stays in place. However, if the spider dangles from one thread and you cut it, the spider will naturally fall. Similar to a spider, you are supported better by many social connections.

Of course, your social network is much more complicated than a spider’s web. However, it is still true that you will be better off by having a number of “threads” to support you in life. If you are essentially relying on just one person or trying to find the one person who will make you feel valued and appreciated, you will cling to that person for dear life. This desperate need works against your developing the sense of security necessary for any healthy relationship.

To take this metaphor a step further: A spider builds a web not just as a safe place to reside, but also as a tool in feeding itself. Similarly, healthy relationships serve functions beyond just providing a comfort zone. They are a source of fun and enjoyment and sexual pleasure, and are also a secure base to support you in pursuing your interests. But if all you can focus on is getting reassurance, then your anxiety about this can interfere with meeting these needs. For instance, you might not be able to appreciate purely fun experiences. Or you might so much want to be valued that you perceive greater connection or interest from someone else than is really there—and rely heavily on it.

To avoid this emotionally precarious situation, it is extremely helpful to support yourself with many threads. Develop relationships with family, friends, and neighbors—from acquaintances to close connections. Invest yourself in work or hobbies or volunteering. Create a life where there are many people and activities “holding you up”—each one providing you with some sense of being valued and appreciated.

Some people keep themselves from getting focused too soon on one person by dating more than one at a time. By having a sense that there are many potential partners out there, you will feel emotionally freer to take your time in deciding on one person. If you are open to “just dating,” you have the luxury of time in deciding whether any particular relationship holds real promise. If this sounds appealing, great! Go for it. If not, that’s okay, too. However, you still need to actively pursue dating. Although your dream date might just stumble into your life, this is much more likely to happen if you are out there where that special someone can trip over you.

Once you are in a romantic relationship, you will be more prepared to nurture it if you already feel fulfilled and valued in other areas of your life. Your partner will hopefully still be your main go-to person for comfort and support (your main attachment figure), but the relationship will not be overtaxed. You’ll approach it with a sense of feeling secure—enjoying emotional closeness, supporting your partner’s individual interests, expecting your partner to support your interests, having fun together, and appreciating sexual intimacy.

Chapter 9

Watching couples dance together can be totally engaging. It’s fascinating to watch two people flow together in perfectly timed movements. Those who are most successful seem to be connected by some magnetic force. Seeing them dance gives the vicarious experience of enjoying a perfect connection with someone else. What can be more enticing than that?

After finding a romantic partner, you’ll want to nurture a relationship that at its best can feel like that perfectly coordinated dance. In such a relationship, the two of you would work well together, communicate effectively, and trust each other, all the while being in tune with yourselves as well as each other. Even at its worst, you’d still want it to be a coordinated effort. You’d find ways to accept and work with differences between you, rather than trying to force each other to change.

Part of the beauty of enjoying such a supportive relationship is that it helps you to feel more secure within yourself, as well as within your relationship. Also, as you may remember from chapter 2, you can even “earn” a secure attachment style in adulthood by developing compassionate self-awareness and enjoying a relationship with an emotionally available and supportive attachment figure. So, it is well worth the effort to do your part in nurturing a healthy, mutually supportive relationship.

Your first interactions with a potential partner set the stage for how the story of your relationship will unfold. In the very beginning, it will go most smoothly if the two of you open up to each other in synchrony. One of you shares something personal and the other one responds with understanding, compassion, and a similar kind of disclosure. You both feel closer, which encourages you to share more, deepening your level of openness. As you enjoy these intimate moments, you also develop a sense of safety and trust in each other’s company. The fondness and affection that inevitably develop from these interactions are essential in maintaining a happy long-term relationship.

Getting to know each other with this kind of give-and-take probably won’t go smoothly if you have an insecure attachment style. For instance, you might hope that sharing many of your struggles right away will win the attention, comfort, and reassurance of your partner. On the other hand, your need for closeness might make you feel too vulnerable to share; so, instead, you might remain distant and closed off. In both cases, you risk turning off your partner. Also, because your focus is on how your partner can help or hurt
you
, it interferes with getting to know her and having empathy for her.

If the way you tend to share has derailed your relationships, then it’s time to approach it differently. Begin by thinking about your motivations for disclosing—or not disclosing. If you have trouble identifying these, review the exercises in chapter 6 (“Developing Self-Awareness”). Then, as you go forward, pay attention to when and how you share.

If you tend to feel compelled to escape loneliness by getting close fast, pull back a bit. Reach out to old friends, as well as new, developing friendships. You might also want to become involved in activities that offer a sense of being part of something bigger than yourself, which can lessen your sense of being separate and lonely. For instance, you might engage in church or temple activities or even just create a photo album for a family member. You can help out a charity by entering a bike-a-thon; or volunteer your time for organizations such as Habitat for Humanity or Literacy Volunteers of America. You can also allow yourself to connect consciously with the lonely feelings and respond by comforting yourself rather than rushing to have someone else comfort you.

You might, at the right time, want to share your personal struggles with your partner as a way to get closer and help her understand you. But tempting as it might be to “unpack all your baggage” and share each and every item in detail, be judicious about what you share. Generally speaking, share enough for your partner to understand so that she can be empathic and supportive. The rest can come out, if you so choose, with time.

For instance, you might disclose, “I feel nervous about letting my guard down because my last girlfriend criticized me all the time.” By choosing not to say more about it for the moment, you can keep your attention on your current relationship. You give this prospective girlfriend a chance to share about herself or ask more about you. She might say, “I know just how you feel… .” Or, on the other hand, she might prompt you with, “What do you mean?” In this way, you can guide your disclosures and emerging sense of connection to happen in synchrony with your partner—leading to a sense of warmth and affection that can hopefully bind you through the years.

It’s important to develop a connection in which you and your partner are not separate from each other or dependent on each other; rather, you’re interdependent. In interdependence, you rely on each other for comfort and encouragement while still feeling like whole people who are able to function independently.

To be interdependent you must gauge your partner’s needs for closeness and autonomy, as well as your own. When either of you feels that these needs are not being met—as will definitely happen at times—it is vital that you communicate effectively to fix the problem. Because such communication involves making yourself vulnerable, you have to believe that it’s possible for you and your partner to work through issues. This perspective is freeing because you won’t experience every problem as an omen that your relationship is going to end soon. You can be patient as you naturally get closer, no longer feeling a need to rush intimacy. You also won’t feel compelled to give up—saving yourself from “inevitable” hurt—just because things aren’t going smoothly. Instead, when you work with your partner to meet each of your needs for closeness and autonomy, you become a team, held together by love, trust, and emotional availability to each other. At your best, you can be like those amazing dancing couples that move so beautifully in synchrony.

Of course, if you deeply fear rejection, the natural fluctuations in closeness and autonomy that happen in relationships can be a serious problem. You may feel great when you and your partner are close (such as when you’re cuddling up together watching a movie), but you’ll probably also be extremely upset with every instance of increased distance (such as when your partner is preoccupied or withdrawn). This kind of emotional roller-coaster ride can take its toll on any relationship.

You can minimize these problems by picking a partner who is truly emotionally available and capable of working with you on balancing intimacy and autonomy, as well as other issues. With such a person, you are also likely to feel more secure, comfortable, and motivated to pursue your own interests, as well as feeling more comfortable with him pursuing his own interests.

Exercise: Improving Your Dance of Intimacy

This exercise can help you learn to manage closeness and autonomy better. It guides you to make note of the benefits of the one of those two you tend to shy away from, and to take action on your observations. Before you begin, you might find it helpful to look back at the chapter 2 exercise “How Well Do You Balance Autonomy and Closeness?” Reviewing that previous exercise can clarify the balance that you tend to look for in a relationship or currently have in your relationship.

Keep in mind that there is not some magical, fixed ratio of autonomy to intimacy that makes for a healthy relationship. People tend to have different needs, and these needs are often in flux. Relationships do best when partners’ needs are basically in sync with each other on a general level, and yet the partners are also able to accommodate each other at any particular moment.

Challenge Your Craving for Intimacy

If you feel strongly compelled to be close with your partner while minimizing differences between you, allow yourself to play devil’s advocate. Think about activities you might enjoy pursuing without your partner. These can be anything. For instance, you might want to take a class, start your own garden, or go out weekly with friends. Imagine how freeing or energizing it might be to do these things. If you are aware of also feeling anxious, remember that this is just a thought experiment. You are only making a list; you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

To work through your anxiety or uncertainty, you might find it helpful to talk with supportive people in your life or to journal about your thoughts. You can also complete some of the self-awareness exercises in chapter 6 or the self-compassion exercises in chapter 7.

When you are ready, talk with your partner. Pay attention to how he responds to the idea of your doing more on your own. If he is supportive, run with it and report back to him how it’s working for you to pursue your interests—and how much you appreciate his support. If he is at all hesitant, encourage him to share why and discuss the pros and cons of your pursuing your interests. If his concerns seem reasonable, then talk together about what you can do that you are both comfortable with.

Also, remember that this is a two-way street. Ask him about his interests and listen for how it would feel for him to pursue them—or, if he’s already doing that, how it already does make him feel. Think about what it would be like to support your partner in pursuing his interests. For instance, he might like looking at antique cars. Imagine how it would feel to see him excitedly telling you about some cars he’s seen or read about. Allow yourself to feel your partner’s appreciation for having you to share this with.

Challenge Your Need to Be Self-Reliant

For you, being emotionally open and vulnerable might feel threatening—or just unnecessary. But if you feel lonely, you are suffering from a lack of closeness. If you take the chance of opening up more, you will probably find that you enjoy the closeness this typically brings. On the other hand, thinking about disclosing your experiences might make you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to do anything now. You are just thinking about it.

If you have trouble connecting with—or being clear about—your emotions, return to chapter 6’s self-awareness exercises. If the idea of making yourself vulnerable stops you in your tracks, review the self-compassion exercises in chapter 7. It can help to remember that this is a process. It takes time.

When you are ready, talk with your partner. Likewise, when she shares, take a curious stance with her. Ask for more information about what she thinks, feels, or has experienced. The idea is to engage more and to get to know yourself and your partner as well as you possibly can. This kind of open conversation can help to close the gap between you, easing your sense of feeling alone or lonely.

Whether you are working to increase autonomy or intimacy (or to become more flexible in accommodating changing needs in yourself and your partner), you will find that your efforts can pay off with a happier relationship. You’ll probably feel more understood, valued, supported, and connected. You might even feel an increased desire for, and appreciation of, physical intimacy. In addition, you’ll probably also notice that some issues will disappear, or at least become much more minimal. For instance, you might notice that you are no longer so susceptible to loneliness, boredom, restlessness, jealousy, or general distrust—and that you are less inclined to fear rejection or to feel an existential sense of being alone in the world.