In Favour of Fools: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 1) (14 page)

I didn’t want to go to JD; I didn’t want to go anywhere. But I had to find the real Masters to save Julie and, despite everything, she was my sister.

So my next step was a trip to the Squirtport. At least this time I could ride my bike, and I wouldn’t have the dark presence of a certain Mr. Strange. You’ll be so proud to hear that I didn’t have a single drink to brace me before I allowed my poor particles to be tricked and squirted across the cosmos, to a place that didn’t even have a proper name.

I arrived in the concourse of the JD Squirtport and checked myself to be sure that all of my particles had arrived safely and were in the right place. I already had a plan; worked out whilst I rode my bike. That’s the problem with this instantaneous travel; one of the problems. It’s so quick, you don’t get time to think. Now, take my bike as an example. It took me nearly an hour to get to the Squirtport; plenty of time for thinking.

If Masters wasn’t on JD, and I’d inferred that Dart had already checked that out, then he didn’t squirt directly from JD to his present planet; it just wasn’t possible. He must have double-squirted; bouncing from JD to Earth and then on to another planet. Such a thing must be unusual, and there ought to be a record somewhere. All I had to do was find that record.

It was as I walked across the concourse to the tiny booking desk that it struck me that I was in the wrong place.

If he double squirted, he would have arranged it on Earth, before he left. JD doesn’t have the AI to do the maths to work out the coordinates of his second destination. So I’d squirted here for no reason. I double-checked with the disinterested guy behind the desk just to be sure, and I was correct.

Sometimes it seems that the only time I’m right is when I’m wrong.

As I walked back across the concourse, it occurred to be that I should have left my bike at home. If I’d walked, I might have had time to work out the obvious flaw in my plan.

Back on Earth, still annoyed at the unnecessary abuse my particles had been subjected to, I leant against the booking desk and prepared to use my best smile to get the info I needed.

I waited patiently to be noticed by the person behind the counter, who seemed to be staring at a computer display without actually doing anything. I coughed politely to let her know that she had a customer with a cough. At last I got a reaction. She raised her left hand to shoulder height, holding a pen; her eyes never leaving the screen.

Was I supposed to take the pen and write her a note? Or was she just saying that she was so busy she even had to use a pen?

‘Excuse me,’ I tried; I’ve seen it work before. For a moment I was distracted by the sign above her head. ‘Our customer service is second to none.’ It proclaimed, quite without irony.

‘Excuse me.’ With a little more volume.

Her head started to turn towards me, dragging her reluctant eyes with it. But she never quite reached my face; stopping somewhere between my chest and my chin. She lowered the pen and I took this as encouragement to state my case.

‘Are you responsible for double-squirts?’ Even as I said the word I saw my error. I should never have used the word ‘responsible.’

She made no answer, and kept looking at my chest. It’s a fine chest in my opinion, but it hardly warranted such scrutiny.

‘Do you book double-squirts here?’

That got a remarkable reaction from her. She looked me straight in the face and came very close to an actual smile.

‘No.’ There was real glee in her voice as she realised that she wouldn’t have to help me.

‘Is there anywhere else I can go to ask about them?’

Persistence is my middle name.

The pen came into play then; rising slowly until it was just above her head and pointing to the other side of the concourse.

‘Thanks very much for your help.’

I left the paragon of customer service behind me and walked quickly toward the counter against the far wall. As I got closer, I saw a small, narrow man almost bouncing in place.

‘Good morning, Sir!’ he called to me before I was within ten metres of his desk. ‘How can I make your day better for you?’

‘A little staff training, maybe?’ I muttered to myself.

‘What can I do for Sir?’ His little faced glowed in anticipation of the delightful tasks he would be pleased to perform for me.

‘Do you book double-squirts?’

‘Of course, Sir. In fact, I’m pleased to say that I am the only member of staff at my level who has the skills to perform such a function.’

A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.

‘Where would you like to go, Sir?’ I swear he was rubbing his hands together.

‘I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m looking for someone who double-squirted a few weeks ago.’

‘I’m afraid I cannot divulge information about other clients; privilege, you know.’

‘Perhaps if I explain my purpose more clearly,’ I said, flicking open the top of my wrist-top. ‘Here is my ID. As you can see, I represent the Money! Money! Money! Lottery company, and I am searching for a lottery winner who passed through here sometime ago. We’ve tried to track him down on JD, which is where he was supposed to be going, but we have so far been unsuccessful. It appears that he double-squirted back to Earth and then onto an unknown planet.’

‘That is fascinating, but I’m not sure I can do anything to help.’

I leant closer.

‘Let me be honest with you Mr...?’

‘Marks; Spencer Marks.’

‘Let me be honest with you, Spencer. This was a record win for our company, and the deadline for claiming is nearly here. If we don’t track this winner down very quickly, he’ll lose his money, and we won’t have the fabulous publicity we’d get from the presentation.’ Sometimes I even impress myself.

I could see a light in his eyes.

‘If I was able to offer some... guidance, would there be a benefit to me; personally?’

I had him; I probably had him at ‘lottery’.

‘There would certainly be a finder’s fee from the company, and I’d be very surprised if the grateful winner didn’t stump up a considerable reward.’

‘What’s the name of this lucky gentleman?’

‘Now, here I’m afraid I have my own privacy issues. Until the gentleman has signed a disclosure form, we are not allowed to give out his name. It’s a nuisance really, but we have to follow the rules.’

I didn’t know what name Masters would have used, and I didn’t want to display my ignorance.

‘Check for double-squirts between the 17th and the 25th of last month. I don’t suppose there will be many.’

He waved his hands in front of his computer screen, manipulating his virtual keyboard.

‘Twenty-one.’

‘And how many included JD?’

He smiled. ‘Just the one.’ He spun his display around for my perusal.

‘Where’s Greenhaven? And what’s it got that JD doesn't have?’

‘Greenery?’ He shrugged.

‘Right, thanks so much for your help. Your customer service skills really are second to none. Zap me your contact details and, as soon as I track him down, you’ll get your fee.’

‘You’re very welcome, Sir. Be sure to have a very nice day, and I look forward to hearing from you.’

‘That’s a cert,’ I called as I rushed towards the squirt facility’s exit. All this lying; I know I’ll hate myself in the morning, but a boy’s got to do what a boy’s got to do.

As I slung my leg over the saddle of my bike, I hoped that the information I’ve gleaned would be enough to satisfy Dart and get him to release Julie.

I arrived back at the office just as Julie got there. There was a considerable amount of hugging; relieved, amazed, thankful and, in the end, embarrassed.

I was so pleased to have her back that I didn’t even ask her to make a coffee.

I would have gone home to my bed that evening in fairly good spirits if the call from Dart hadn’t come through.

‘What have you found out?’ No ‘hello, how are you doing?’ I don’t suppose he has many friends.

‘He’s on Greenhaven.’

‘Greenhaven?’

‘Yes. So, that about finishes it for me. You can leave me and my sister alone. Just transfer my money over when you get it back from Masters.’

‘Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? If we can’t track him down, I may need to be in touch again.’

‘I don’t think so. Any further contact, with me or my sister, and I’ll contact the Law and Order AI.’

‘Threats, eh? What about your mum, then? I could send one of my men to visit her, to ensure your co-operation.’

‘You’re welcome to try that, Dart. But just make sure that he’s well insured. Hospital bills are so expensive nowadays.’

‘You're going to beat him up? Hardly seems your style.’

‘I’m not talking about me; 1‘m talking about my mother.’

Chapter 33
- Then the coffee

(We’re well past half-way now and it occurs to me to wonder how I should finish the book. Not how the story itself will pan out; I have no control over that; I’m just the narrative facilitator after all. I can, however, say whether Phil emerges covered in glory or awash with ignominy. So, what do you think? Vote A for glory or vote B for ignominy. Be sure to vote before the deadline, or your vote may not be counted, but you may still be charged. I‘m going for B. N.F.)

When I walked into the office on the morning following that day of excitement, I was literally stunned. On my desk was my special mug; and it was steaming. I walked closer. It smelled like coffee; it looked like coffee; but how could it be coffee? Had the coffee machine suddenly developed squirt capability? Was it able to deliver hot beverages anywhere in the Milky Way? Were we approaching a time when you could get your caffeine fix squirted straight to your stomach? Or was there a more mundane explanation?

‘Hi Philly.’ Far too bright for the hour, and she was carrying a bag that could contain Danish pastries.

‘Did you…’ I nodded towards the apparition on my desk.

‘It is how you like it, isn’t it?’

I smiled and took a slurp. It was exactly how I liked it. I wondered how she knew.

'Any sign of Sam?' I asked as I sniffed at the pastry bag.

‘I think he was going home for a change of underwear. I hope he was going home for change of underwear.'

I was enjoying the second pastry when, surprise, surprise, there was a knock on the outer door. I was thinking about having it removed; people keep knocking on it, and it never ends well. Then I forgot about the door when I saw Julie’s reaction. She dived for her handbag and pulled out probably the biggest gun I’ve ever seen. She held it in both hands, because one just wouldn’t do, and dropped to one knee.

‘What are you doing?’ I whispered.

I’m sure I heard her say ‘they’ll never take me alive.’ I must have been mistaken; surely.

I got all big brotherly and said, ‘put it away; I’ll deal with this.’

I strode manfully to the door and only weakened at the last moment.

‘Who is it?’ I asked in a voice that quite frankly embarrassed me.

‘Mrs. Masters,’ came the reply in such a confident voice that I was embarrassed all over again.

‘Come in, come in,’ I gushed as I pulled open the door. I think she was a little put off by my smile, but she came in anyway.

Julie had put away her arsenal and welcomed her into my office.

‘I didn’t realise we had an appointment. Did you call?’ I asked as I indicated the chair she was already half sitting in.

‘No, we didn’t have an appointment, and I didn’t call. I prefer to be lied to face to face.’

‘Lied to? Why would I lie to you?’

‘You’ll probably start any minute now.’

‘I assure you that I have no intention of lying to you at any time.’

‘There you go; I knew it wouldn’t take long.’

I may have been a little flustered them because I can’t think what I might have said next.

‘Let me make it easy for you.’ She brushed her long red hair to one side and allowed the tip of her tongue to show. ‘I didn’t get your bill.’

‘Sorry?’

‘I didn’t get your bill. Strange has been back for a couple of days and you still haven’t billed me. An operation like this is, I’m sure, very much hand to mouth. So I started wondering, why hasn’t he sent me his final bill? Has he won the lottery? Has he got a recently deceased rich favourite uncle? Or is the case not quite complete?’

‘Or did he just forget? Because things have been a little busy round here lately.’

She smiled then, and I really had no idea how I was supposed to take it.

‘I prefer my explanation,’ she breathed, ‘and so does Strange. He’s outside; shall I bring him in?’

‘There’s no need for that. So, what do you think I know?’ I was desperately trying to work out what would happen if I told her what I knew. I was sure that it would entail travel and company; and I really didn’t want that. But, could I lie to her with her built-in lie detector?

‘I think you know what happened to my husband.’

‘I think he was murdered and then it was made to look as if he’d been attacked by ar-furs.’ It sounded reasonable to me.

She didn’t move for a while; it seemed a long time to me.

When her computations were completed, she did that smile again. I wished she would stop.

‘He’s alive, isn’t he? You think he’s alive. No, you know he’s alive. That’s it, Phil, isn’t it?’

I sat stone still; determined to neither confirm nor deny her suggestion.

‘Tell me, Phil. Or do you want to tell Strange? He’s been outside for quite a while now. He’s bound to be annoyed; he doesn’t like to wait.’

‘Your husband is alive; and I know where he is.’ There, I’d gone and told her, and, you know, I felt so much better for getting it off my chest. At some stage very soon, I was going have to be equally as frank with Mrs. Johnson.

'If that is the case, you can go and fetch him, can't you?'

How did I know that would be her response?

I really wanted to be firm then, and say no, but, for such a little word, it can be quite hard to say. Whilst I struggled not to say yes, she smiled and nodded. It seems that silence means yes these days; who'd have guessed?

She nodded quietly to herself for a moment longer, then she stood. She did something then with her head which resulted in her long red locks flicking over her shoulder, and she looked at me sort of side on.

‘When this is all over, you should come and visit me, Phil.’ She was whispering, yet the words rang in my head.

She was not what you’d call pretty-pretty, but there was something about her confidence and style that roused the old beast in me. Still, she’d be waiting a long time for a visit from me; that very confidence would certainly cause me some performance issues.

‘Strange will be up shortly,’ she said as she left.

Suddenly the old beast wasn’t quite so rampant.