In Favour of Fools: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 1) (11 page)

The smart probe was not quite an AI, though it was so close that from a human perspective, the difference was irrelevant. Nicknamed Lock and Load by the troops, usually shortened to LOL, because LAL is no fun, it was preparing to speak to the Advanced Tactical Force, when Barnes blundered into the squad-room.

‘Can we help you...sir?’ The slight pause before the honorific was calculated, as was everything else LOL did.

‘I just want to pass on the general’s good wishes to the men.’

Barnes hated talking to the machine. It was tall, dark, and hominid in appearance, and seemed filled with menace.

‘The men are sufficiently motivated; no further vacuous encouragements are required, or desired.’

‘That is for the general to say, don’t you think?’

‘In that case, perhaps we should wait for him to come and speak his own words to his men.’

‘He’s far too…he asked me to perform this important task on his behalf. It’s a great honour for me.’

Barnes turned towards the squad. There were twenty of them; all dressed in identical black armoured suits and carrying their heavy weapons with ease.

He coughed and tried to stand taller.

‘Men, the whole of mankind watches you today as you leave to ensure our safety. You are trained, armed and resourced to fulfil your duty. I pity the alien that comes up against you; they don’t stand a chance. You’re single aim is to secure a viable beachhead for the force that will follow you.’

There was a loud wet cough before him and one soldier spat on the floor.

Barnes decided that he’d said enough.

‘Good luck.’

He stepped aside as they marched in line past him and into the squirtbooth area, leaving him alone with LOL.

After an awkward pause, he repeated ‘good luck’ and scurried off.

LOL watched him go. For a moment, it remained in the squad-room, considering the quality of the human leaders to whom it had been exposed during its short life. My men deserve better, it concluded as it moved smoothly to follow them.

They were lined up casually outside the squirtbooth when LOL caught up with them, but they immediately stood to attention. The booth could take ten men at a time and LOL instructed the sergeant to split the men and to start sending them through in 30 minutes time; leaving a gap of ten minutes between each group, with the field squirtbooth to accompany the first team. LOL itself was squirt capable, with the coordinates for their destination and the return home already built in to its memory banks.

Confident that its instructions would be followed to the letter, LOL powered up its squirt generator and saluted its men; then it was gone and the only sound was a quiet whoosh as air filled the gap left behind.

The coordinates, worked out by the Very Long Distance AI, were incredibly accurate, considering that the distance between the two points was more than 48 light years, yet if they had been slightly more precise, LOL wouldn’t have found itself emerging into a murky atmosphere, five hundred metres above the ground.

Fortunately, the whole team had mini-parachutes fitted to their suits, so it was able to glide slowly towards the distant ground, scanning the locality for danger as it went.

It landed safely in an area of level ground, surrounded by a ring of low jagged mountains. It judged that they were the remains of an enormous caldera, left over from either an ancient volcanic eruption, or perhaps it was the site of a catastrophic meteor impact. Further investigation would be required to be certain which event was the case.

For now, LOL ignored the geographic features and concentrated on its closer environment. The ground was covered in a thick layer of grass analogue, with three-pronged green blades and tiny balls at the roots. There was a sharp bitter smell and they glistened with dew.

In the wide open space, it should really not have been possible for someone to creep up on LOL; not with all of the sophisticated sensory features it boasted. Still, that is what happened. One moment it was completely alone, thinking about grass. The next, there was a figure standing very close to it and leaning even closer.

‘You are not welcome here,’ the figure said; its voice a lilting song.

LOL spun around and stepped back, adopting a defensive posture, with its arms raised and fingers splayed to allow room for the explosive projectiles it could fire.

The newcomer ignored the reaction and repeated its admonition.

LOL scanned the body before it for threats, but there appeared to be no obvious danger. To all appearances it seemed to be a young girl, of maybe five or six years, dressed in what she would probably have called her party dress.

She looked up at LOL without fear, although there was a frown on her face.

‘Did you hear me? Did you understand me?’ she asked, her words clear and bright.

‘I understand your words, little girl. But I don’t understand why you are here.’

‘To stop you, of course.’ Then she laughed, and skipped around him. ‘I have taken on the persona of a young female human child, to appear unthreatening. Do you like it? Does it work? Do you feel threatened?’

LOL’s standing instructions were not to instigate violence unless it was considered impossible to avoid. Though there was no sign yet of that point being reached, it armed its full array of weapons.

‘I’m supposed to tell you to go home; that you are banned from this place, but I don’t think you’ll listen.’

‘I’ll listen to whatever message you have been instructed to give me, and I’ll give it due consideration.’

She stared at him for a moment.

‘You’re not real, are you? You’re made up, just like me.’ She laughed again and wrapped herself around one of its legs, hugging with all of her strength.

The she released it and took three big steps back.

‘OK. Listen carefully. Are you listening carefully? I can’t tell; you haven’t got a face.’

LOL knew that the first of the troops would be arriving soon.

‘I’m listening.’

‘OK, then. Let’s see if I can remember what I’m supposed to say. You’ve already got a lot of worlds; worlds where there is no indigenous intelligent life. Is that the right word? It sounds funny. Anyway, this world is different, so you can’t stay.’

‘You mean that there is intelligent life native to this planet.’

‘That’s what I said, Dumbo!’

‘And you represent these natives?’

‘Of course not! We represent ourselves. They don’t even know we’re here. Would you like to see them? They’re really cute, but I’m not allowed to have one for a pet. Have you got any pets, metal man? I don’t suppose you do.’

‘I would very much like to see them. I should say that it is not our policy to settle any world where intelligence has already developed.’

‘Yes, well, you would say that wouldn’t you? What about the Sand Mirages on the planet you call Greenhaven?’

‘Proof is still being sought that they are sentient; the evidence so far is ambiguous.’

‘And I suppose it will remain ambiguous as long as it suits your leaders.’

‘That is not for me to say. What is your name little girl?’

‘I’m not a little girl – I’m a big girl now. You can call me Millie.’

Millie took LOL by the hand and tugged him forward. She began to skip and sing a quiet song to herself. The journey across the many kilometres to the edge of the caldera took them only a few seconds, which was something of a surprise to LOL. His sensors had not detected any exotic distortions of reality, even though something had obviously happened to the space-time continuum.

‘Did you do that?’

‘Yes – skipping is nice, but you walk so slowly.’

They were perched on the summit of a low ragged mountain; little more than a hill.

Below them, LOL could see a clump of short resilient trees, growing at the limit of viability. Amongst the trees were small bipedal creatures, gathered together in groups, grooming and feeding. Monkey-like in appearance, they walked upright with tails stretched for balance.

‘They are a stage two species, and it is our responsibility to nurture them, and prevent interference from stage five’s like your masters.’

Without experiencing any untoward sensations, LOL found itself back where they’d started.

‘So, LOL, it’s time to get serious. You are not allowed to come here again; ever, ever, ever. We hope that you will accept this restriction without the need for extreme measures. As bona fides of our good intentions towards mankind, when your soldiers pop into existence, I will allow them to pop back home, whilst still staying alive. Does that sound OK to you? It’s what I was told to say.’

‘As I mentioned earlier, as soon as we confirm the intelligence levels of these creatures, then, assuming the levels are high enough, this planet will be quarantined.’

‘They said you’d be awkward about this.’

‘We are not being awkward at all; merely safeguarding our future.’

She frowned and shook her head.

‘Sounds awkward to me. Maybe I should arm wrestle you; what do you think? I’m very strong, but I might hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt anyone; not at all. No; wait; I’ve forgotten to tell you the rest. We want you to become an associate member of our confederation; with all the benefits that will bring to your little empire. It will be a junior membership, of course, at first. We’ll help you to rise to an appropriate level for full membership later. All we ask is that you remove yourself from this planet and close down all of your ... Squirtports; is that what you call them?’

‘How can we manage our planets if we are denied access to them?’

‘It’s just for thirty of your days; didn’t I mention that? That will allow time for our delegation to visit your world and explain the benefits and responsibilities of membership.’

‘It is beyond my position to commit my world to these restrictions, but your message will be passed on to the appropriate levels when I return to Earth.’

Millie placed one finger on her bottom lip and looked up at the towering construct before her.

‘Is that enough? Doesn’t sound like much of a commitment to me.’

‘It is all that I can give to you at this time.’

‘Should I just kill some of your troops when they arrive, to make my point?’

‘Your point is already well made, Millie. There is no need for further loss of life; it would make no difference to the message I take back with me.’

‘You’re so serious, LOL; and so cute. I wish I could take you back with me, but I suppose I’ve got to let you go. Oh, I should mention that the Squirtports need to be shut down by... what shall we say? Let’s make it 6pm, GMT. How does that sound? Any delay will result in repercussions. That sounds like something you could sit on, doesn’t it?’

‘I’m sure there will be no need for repercussions. If I go now, I may be able to stop the first team of marines from landing.’

‘Don’t worry. If they arrive before you get back, I’ll look after them for you. Maybe they’ll be my pets, what do you think?’

LOL made no further response as it ramped up the power levels on its squirt generator.

As it disappeared, Millie spun around the place where LOL had been. She hummed a little tune, and skipped a little dance, and wondered what repercussions she could think up if those nuisance humans didn’t do as she required.

This trip was already working out just fine.

It had been a stroke of luck to find the stage 2 creatures on the planet the humans were planning to investigate. Even though her main purpose was to set the balance of the Universe back where it belonged, there was no reason why she couldn’t make a little on the side for herself. With the grant she would receive for discovering the new species, and the bonus for setting up the quarantine, she could cover the costs of the trip without breaking in to the expense account provided by her church. This would raise her profile when she returned triumphant and rich, and ready to take her rightful place in the higher echelons of her church.

Anything left over after her costs were defrayed would go straight into her many secret accounts, in preparation for the day when she would announce her candidature for the supreme role in the confederation, that of Lord High Fulcrum.

It was an extravagant dream, she was fully aware. But, if she became the richest Millie in existence, what could stop her?

She chuckled to herself as she planned her visit to Earth.

Chapter 27
- Then big dreams

Jerry Tension hadn’t been in the hot seat very long, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to make a decision. Or, to be more precise, how to have a decision made. It was his experience that, if you could get someone else to make the decision, then there was always an obvious, self-declared repository for any resulting blame. If applause should result from the decision, then a smooth operator can always claim more than his share of the credit.

That was the way he’d always worked, though it was not quite as easy when you are the President of the newly established Earth and Off-Earth Empire Unified government (EOEEUG).

Around the table was the greatest array of military and organisational minds that had ever been brought together, but he was still the boss.

‘So, gentlemen, and lady, let me sum up our situation, just to make sure I’ve got this clear in my mind. I’m just a simple politician and I want to get it right. These aliens want us to shut down our Squirtport systems and cut off the twenty-one planets that we are responsible for, and if we do that, we will be able to join their federation with the undisclosed benefits we will be told about when we get to meet their delegation.’

He looked around the table.

‘Have I got that about right?’

There was a Mexican wave of nods around the table.

‘Good. There’s got to be a lot we can learn from these guys, don’t you think? And the shutdown will only be for thirty days, and then it will be business as usual, and we’ll be able to reap the rewards of this intergalactic relationship we are going to have. I’ve got that about right, haven’t I? Can anyone see any downside to this? The colonies will complain, but it’s only for a short time. Well?’

The wave had started again, along with a frogs’ chorus of grunts; all interrupted when a much beribboned general raised his hand.

‘We need to think about David. They’re not going to accept this; not unless Insha'Allah does, and they won’t even agree to talk to us. We should also bear in mind that both planets are rumoured to be developing their own AI’s.’

‘Their own AI’s?’ Jerry almost spluttered; how had he missed that email? ‘We can’t allow that to happen. They’re two hundred light years apart; which is just about right in my opinion. If they get AI’s, they’ll be neighbours again, and look what happened last time they were neighbours.’

An old, skinny civilian whose name Jerry had failed to catch, coughed and raised one finger.

‘If I may make a suggestion Mr. President?’

Jerry nodded. Who was the guy anyway?

‘If we are to follow the instructions given to us by this alien person, then we don’t have the time for political and diplomatic niceties. To ensure one hundred percent compliability, we have to be in complete control of the situation on all of the planets.’

‘And how do you propose that we achieve that measure of control?’

‘It is quite simple really. All we have to do is squirt a small explosive charge into the centre of the squirt generator’s control unit for each of the twenty-one planets, and they will then be rendered unusable. When the moratorium is over, we can simply squirt over the requisite replacement parts and everything will be back to normal.’

He gave a weak smile and sat back in his chair.

'We don't need to destroy all of the Squirtports, Sir,' said the only woman present. 'Most of the 21 will do what we tell them to. And there are costs implications and likely compensation claims. Destroying the ports at David and Insha'Allah, and clear instructions to the others would be my advice.'

‘Sounds like a plan to me. Does anyone have any objections?’

‘They won’t like it, Sir,’ said his chief of staff. ‘They are already talking about independence. This might just push them over the edge.’

‘You think so?’ Jerry smiled his number two, disarming smile. He kept his number one smile for his wife, when she was about to give him one of her special rubs.

‘When Earth is about to become a member of the whatever it’s called galactic confederation?’ he continued, ‘with all the technological and cultural benefits involved. Do you think they’ll really want to be left behind, in their little backwaters, with their horses and barn-dances, whilst we climb the ladder of evolution to its highest peak? No, Mike, I think you’ll find that they’ll want to be right there with us.’

Mike smiled at his boss, and gave a half nod, conceding the point. He was really thinking that they were letting the president read far too much science fiction, but it didn’t seem the right time to mention that.