If Not For You (49 page)

Gage reached out and took my hand resting it to his cheek. “I love you, and even if you never remember, I always will.”

As hard as I tried, there was no holding back my tears after hearing his vow. How I ached to remember, even just a portion of our memories, if not for myself, at least for him.

I asked him to stay until I fell asleep; there was something comforting about having him near. He didn’t seem to mind, he was content to sit with me. He seemed obsessed with holding my hand and as I lay with my eyes closed, he would play with my hair. It tugged at my heart strings the way he had this need to take care of me, doting over me. Fussing with the sheets and making sure I was comfortable. I felt guilty for not remembering, he needed me to and I so terribly wanted to.

I woke during the night when the nurse came to give me sleeping pills, which baffled me. The idea of being woke from a deep sleep to take, of all things, a sleeping pill. Crazy fucked up thinking.

Reaching out for the glass of water, a metallic clinking caught my attention. I turned the overhead light on and discovered a charm bracelet around my wrist. Gage had mentioned charms and must have put it on me while I slept. He was sound asleep, his head on the mattress beside my hip. I wanted to touch his hair but feared I’d wake him.

I surveyed each charm, recalling his stories of the places we’d been and the things we’d done. Each charm commemorated a special time, place or event in the short stretch we had been together. There was a V and an O, I laughed. A tiny jade Buddha, an Eiffel Tower, a ship, something that looked like a fish and lion combined. There was also a skate, the Empire State Building, a castle, a tiny little book, a letter T and a G and a coil of rope.

“A coil of rope?” I whispered, in the silent room. My brow knit together as I thought, I’d have to ask the significance of that one little silver mystery.

Brushing back the hair from his face I watched while he slept. Who was this man, this hotter than fuck blonde Adonis? This wonderful caring man, who needed nothing more than for me to remember?

“Dear god, help me remember?”

Day 7

A specifically designed-to-drive-you-mad beeping off in the distance woke me. My eyes refused to open, it was far too early and my head hurt. I rolled onto my side and pulled the covers under my chin.

“Gage, make that fucking beeping stop,” I growled out.

Gage sat up and rubbed his eyes. “It’s coming from down the hall, sweetheart, you’ll have to live with it, sorry.”

“You don’t do sorry.” I said.

The sheets tore from around me. Gage swept my hair back and leaned in inches from my face. His eyes searched mine desperately.

“Who am I?” He demanded in a rush.

“What?”

“Who am I?” Gage repeated, as tears glazed over his sparkling blue eyes.

“Gage don’t be crazy, it’s too early for games.”

“You remember me?”

Reality took hold, giving me a swift kick, causing my heart to race and swell beyond the cavity it was contained in. My eyes widened and a huge smile spread across my face as I took hold of Gage’s face and pulled him closer.

I whispered against his lips, “I remember, Gage, I remember!”

***

Deciding that indeed ‘To forgive is divine’ I had a long dragged out conversation with my father. I told him I would forgive his being an asshole, but under no circumstances would I forget. Making sure that he knew I was aware of his interfering in my life, I made it very clear that he never would again. My father tried but failed several times to use threats to get his way, his failure was my triumph.

Staring death in the face had been a life altering experience, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My happiness, no, our happiness had leapt to the forefront. No longer was I willing to sit back and cave as my father systematically disassembled my life.

I convinced him to release Gage from his conservatorship and put his trust in the hands of a lawyer instead, to guard his best interests. He agreed, even shook Gage’s hand and told him his father would be proud. Gage sat shocked, he had figured he’d be swimming with the fishes by now, especially after what he did to his daughter. There would be no more ties to bind him to the old man.

Restraining himself, my father sat and listened as I told him of our plans. Gage and I were most definitely moving into the condo and if he chose to interfere, we’d simply leave New York and move somewhere he would never find us. He caved. But not before he informed me that he had purchased one of the condo units on our floor for Henry, he agreed to back off only if Henry was at least a fixture in my life.

What do you think I said?

Henry embraced both of us for the umpteenth time before leaving the hospital and returning to the States. Once I had told him we were going to be neighbors, he seemed to feel better about leaving me. I’d be home in a week, when the doctors felt it was safe for me to fly. Henry would fetch our belongings from the ship and make sure the condo was ready for our homecoming.

It was kind of surreal when I checked the date on the discharge papers that verified when I would arrive home. It was the exact day I was scheduled for my original surgery. I tittered to myself and took a deep breath.

Fuck it was good to be alive!

John and Philippe announced they were moving into Philippe’s loft, John would not be returning to the States. They were planning a spring wedding in Canada and the invite would be in the mail. And to top it all off, Lilly the sweet little Scottish nurse that had been so taken with Gage, was dating the pair. Going to join them for a two week vacation and see what developed. I could see a book in John’s future.

Tess was returning home with my father this afternoon, work and commitments came first. Her and Gage had become close during my time in hospital, this made me happy. Both a big part of my future, we were going to be the perfect dysfunctional family, me, Gage, Henry and Tess.

After everyone left and I had been cheerfully thrashed about by the physical therapist, I snuggled against Gage’s chest and welcomed some alone time. With only a manageable amount of pain, no more bouts of nausea or dizziness, I was feeling renewed. Tired but renewed.

“Alone at last,” Gage announced.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Never left baby,”

“No. I mean, you and me, this,” I waved a hand between us. “Holding each other, this is what I’ve missed.”

“Me too.” He squeezed just a bit tighter but still holding back for fear of hurting me.

“And this.” I slid my hand down his chest, naughty thoughts running through my mind.

“Don’t be doing that now,” Gage scolded.

“Doing what?” I faked pulling up the blankets to brush over his zipper.

Gage sucked in a harsh breath and clamped onto my hand. “You know very well what.”

Pulling the all innocent face I giggled. Gage’s eyes narrowed and while lifting my gaze to meet his he warned, “Not gonna happen, baby! Six weeks, Doctor said six weeks.”

“He said nothing too strenuous, we could,”

“Six weeks. End of.” he sighed. “My balls may turn blue and fall off by then, but it’s going to be six weeks.”

Change of subject, he had suffered enough and the countdown was on. I’d be Xing off each day on my fantasy calendar. And I do mean fantasy, because I had some that would need to be fulfilled by the end of six long weeks.

“Did I show you the pictures of the condo Henry sent?” I asked eagerly.

“Yeah, but show me again.”

It was fun planning out each room, neither of us owned much, so it was going to be easy to furnish together. We both liked contemporary style and neutral colors. Henry had made sure we had the basics to start. He stocked the kitchen completely with all the small appliances imaginable, even though I couldn’t cook. Purchasing dishes, pots, pans, and sent photos for approval. We were happy with our home.

Our home.

Our life together.

Lilly came in to the room, greeting us with her bubbly disposition, she was a delight to be around. “Bath time, let’s have ya!” She patted the wheelchair seat.

“Yes, please!” I responded quickly. Sponge baths, even given by my hot sexy man, just didn’t cut it. A soak in a tub was in order.

Lilly left me to soak in the large jet tub for close to an hour, it was pure heaven. My achy sore bones and dare I say, my backside needed it. I now had a new respect for satin sheets after my skin being rubbed near raw on hospital grade linens. The definite linen choice for Gage and I would be satin, and not just your average, no, we would be purchasing the best.

With my hair French braided, thanks to Lilly’s persistence and a pretty pink satin gown she snuck in for me, I was feeling like a new woman or at least a cleaner, fresher version. Even Gage looked better. He had taken the opportunity to shower and change while I was gone. His blond curls were pulled back into a band and he smiled when our eyes met.

“Beautiful,” Gage said, as he lifted me from the wheelchair. Instead of placing me in the bed he sat in the chair by the window with me on his lap.

“This is nice.” I snuggled into his warm hold.

“There’s something I need to ask you and I want to do it before we go back to New York.”

“What is it, Gage?”

“I wanted to ask you when we were on the London Eye but,”

“But I went and ruined it.”

“You ruined nothing, baby,” he crooned as he caressed my cheek. “I thought I was going to lose you that day. It was the scariest day of my entire life. Prison was a walk in the park compared to the feeling that I might lose you.”

I lay my head on his shoulder happy to listen, happy to be this close, to be alive and wrapped in his arms.

“I’d close my eyes each night and pray for one more day. One more chance to tell you I loved you. I’ve learned a lot about us, you and me, in the last few weeks. Life is precious and far too short. I refuse to take each day we have for granted,”

Gage stood and sat me in the chair while he kneeled at my feet. “Baby, marry me.”

He held up the pinky of his right hand, to reveal a simple princess cut solitaire diamond ring in a platinum setting. Nothing ornate or gaudy about it, it was perfectly unpretentious.

“Gage!” I managed to squeak out.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, ever needed, ever will need,” he transferred the ring from his pinky to the tip of my ring finger and stilled. “I’ll take care of you until the end of time. Share all that I have and all that I am and cherish every moment with you. We’ll never be apart again. Marry me.”

“Tell me one thing first.”

“Anything,”

“Tell me what I am. Let me hear you say it.”

Bending forward he pecked the tip of my nose with his lips and winked with a cheeky grin. “Mine!” he declared proudly sliding the ring onto my finger. “And you’re mine from this moment forward.”

My head started nodding before my mouth caught up. “Yes, yes I’ll marry you.”

Epilogue

363 Days later

My eyes rolled back, sparkling flecks of light illuminated behind closed lids and my entire body shuddered through the most amazing orgasm ever. My breath escaped with a loud grown as Gage buried himself balls deep and the tips of his fingers pushed into the flesh of my ass cheeks. There were going to be welts where his nails sunk in and the idea of walking around all day marked by my man tickled me.

Wrapping my legs around his waist I yanked my arms, the bite from the handcuffs reminding me it was hands off. Gage was in control. One of my favorite parts of play time was his demand and need for charge.

“Wearing something with long sleeves today, baby?” Gage laughed. “Keep yanking on those cuffs and our secrets won’t be our own for long.”

“Then let me loose so I can touch you and no one will find out I’m married to a sexual animal,” I pled, behind a naughty laugh.

“Let them think what they want,” he whispered. “Want them to know I fuck my wife my way and she likes it…Tell me you don’t.”

“I’d never lie to you.” My legs clamped on tighter.

“Me neither, especially when I’m going to cum, Ohhh…” Gage rose to his knees, grasped his hands at my waist and slammed into me. A loud vocal grunt escaped with every impact. “Fuck, gonna cum,”

Heat from his seed spilling deep inside, felt like an inferno. I melted beneath him as he relaxed, totally sated. I loved the weight of Gage on top of me exhausted after one of our sexual workouts. And workouts they usually were, like a never ending marathon of making-up-for-lost-time sex. From the six week mark, all those months ago when the doctors ok’d me, it was like he was making sure I never doubted his love. If he wasn’t trying to fuck my brains out, he was touching me, or copping a feel every chance.

No longer treating me like a fragile china doll, he had upped the kinky level and introduced me to all of his demands. No whips and chains, to my relief. But the bite of a satin flogger and nipple clamps proved a little pain gave way to a whole lot of pleasure.

“Always so fucking good baby,” he purred, against the lobe of my ear. “What do you say we stay in our room and fuck the world, I’ll make you cum till you see stars?”

I giggled, “Already saw stars.”

The cuffs released and I pulled him as close as I could get. Teeth sunk into the lobe of my ear sending butterflies to my stomach, he knew how to persuade me but not this time. Today was too important. I’d never forgive myself if I missed this wedding.

“You’re incorrigible, Mr. Carter,” I teased, shoving him off. “Enough. We need to get ready.”

“And you are impossible to resist, Mrs. Carter,” Gage hissed, licking his tongue across my lips. “I’ll never get enough of you.”

***

Casa Loma was the perfect venue for John and Philippe’s nuptials. It hadn’t surprised me that the boys picked it from the list I had sent. Toronto, Canada was close to my home town and I knew the area well, which made venue suggestions easy. Gage and I stood up for them as Matron of Honor and Best Man. Five hundred give or take a few of their closest family and friends were here to celebrate their union.