I am America (and so can you!) (113 page)

seem less dangerous than they are, through the strategic use of positive words. Think about it. How can something be bad if it is “affirmative”? And how can we ignore it if it is “action”? 9 See, its name does nothing to describe what “affirmative action” actually is: a system that rewards Group A and punishes Group B just because long ago something bad happened to Group A that incidentally made Group B a whole lot of money.

One of my mottos is, “Never make a decision because you feel guilty.” The
Short version:

bleeding hearts that came up with affirmative action back in the anything-goes

“Never feel guilty.”

1960s could have used my advice. They felt bad about the racial injustices of the past, so they decided to make it a crazy law that gave minorities preferential treatment when it came to the choicest jobs, scholarships, and roster spots
Stay strong, NHL!

on NBA teams.

GUT SPEAKING:
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it
Like friendship,

encourages
reverse discrimination
, so-called because it goes in the
discrimination is a

two-way street.

opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

Here’s a typical story: A well-qualified young White man doesn’t get into the College of His Choice, but has a strong suspicion that a lot of Black guys might have. It gets worse: A hard-working White employee is passed over for a promotion in favor of a coworker who seems like he could be gay. What’s next?

Should there be affirmative action in my bedroom? Should Chinese guys get a shot at my wife just because the conditions on the Transcontinental Railroad weren’t
ideal
?

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9
Sign me up!
Sarcastically.

But the worst thing about affirmative action is that it’s Big Government intruding into the world of business. I don’t need some bureaucrat telling me to be an equal opportunity employer. When it comes to job applicants at the
Report
, race is irrelevant. All they have to do is answer a skill-testing questionnaire:
Sample Question:

Question 43
: We·re shooting an episode of The Colbert Report at the beach. It·s a very sunny day. What number SPF sunblock do you use? Support your answer:

When it comes to affirmative action, I quote myself: “Hogwash!” However, most people quote noted beagle-abuser President Lyndon Johnson, who summed up his stance on the issue with the following analogy: “Imagine a hundred yard dash in which one of the two runners had his legs shackled together. He has progressed ten yards, while the unshackled runner has gone fifty yards. How do they rectify the situation? Do they merely

remove the shackles

and allow the race to

proceed?…Would it not

be the better part of

justice to allow the

previously shackled

runner to make up the

forty-yard gap, or to

start the race all over

again?”10

The press was a lot easier to entertain in 1964.

10
He actually said this.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Johnson was right on one point: Racial issues in this country deserve the same amount of attention we give track and field events.

While Johnson’s idea was terrible for public policy, he stumbled upon what I think would be a great improvement for track and field: shackles! How exciting would it be to give each runner a unique, massive obstacle to overcome!

Here’s how I see the 100 yard dash of tomorrow:

A shackled runner

Runner forced to wear a sandwich board

Runner in ice skates

Runner must run backward holding a hand mirror

Runner’s pockets filled with sausages with a pack

of wild, angry dogs released on the field

Bare feet on a lane of wet bathroom tile—

responsible for 80% of household fatalities!

Runner given horrible news moments before start—

“Your grandmother

I mean really bad

is on fire.”

Death row inmate running on his knees.

If he wins, he’s freed!

Just a reminder: None of these are metaphors. I want to see this actually happen.

PROOF I’M NOT A RACIST:
George Washington

Carver had some pretty good ideas, like corrective

lenses for peanuts.

If you suffer from

peanut allergies, turn

the page quickly.

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STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

Shout it from the loftiest mountaintops and through the

deepest valleys: Racism is no more! Bigotry, that grim hydra,

which once reared its heads in every corner of our proud

society, infecting all Americans with its venomous bite, has

been vanquished. And I have done my part to slay it.

I marched on Washington shoulder-to-shoulder with Dr.

King. I labored alongside Reverend Jackson in Chicago. I

was instrumental in bringing integration to the University of

Rev. George A. Lewis,

Alabama, and thanks in part to my actions, racism gave way to

Ex-Civil Rights Leader

equality, oppression to justice, and segregation to brotherhood. But as justice rose like a mighty tide from the Mississippi

delta to the highest corridors of power, my own sense of purpose receded. What is a Civil Rights leader to do once Civil Rights have been permanently achieved?

For a while, I returned to full-time Reverending. But being a preacher is hard work, and let’s face it, without racism to rail against, my sermons didn’t have the same zazz. So I left my church and sought new causes to champion.

I tried marching alongside another oppressed group, the homosexuals. But then I found out what they did when they weren’t marching.

Other protests proved no better fit. I couldn’t in good conscience join the No-Nukes movement, because I’m a firm believer in America’s nuclear first strike capabilities. And I’d rather not recount the lack of appetite for political change at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

After that, I flailed around a bit. I remained committed to the principles of nonviolence, but I adapted it to the injustices I encountered in the new post-racist world. I organized a sit-in to protest the unfair practices of a local restaurant. ($13.00 for a spicy tuna roll? Come on!) But it failed to achieve change.

I grew isolated and disconsolate. And as painful as it is to admit, in the depths of my despair I once tried to reintroduce racism, but those Korean grocers would not rise to my bait.

As of this writing, I am unemployed, and let me tell you, the pension benefits
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offered by the Civil Rights Movement are meager at best. I am currently available to fight for the downtrodden, freelance mass-rallying, and light roof repair. In the immortal words of Dr. King, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.” If only he had known the cost.

FUN

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