I am America (and so can you!) (108 page)

THE DORCHESTER COUNTY PENNYSAVER:
Peaked for one week in 1981. (See page 151)

THE NEW YORK TIMES:
One of the few downsides to my job is that I have to read
The New York Times
every day. Why? To quote my old friend Wesley

“Irish” Snipes, “Know thine enemy.” I do this dirty work as a service to my viewers, as the
Times’
cornucopia of bias and lies provide an endless source of things for me to be outraged about. And outrage is what makes me go. I call it

“The Juice” because like steroids,
The New York Times
fills you with rage and shrinks your genitalia.

Or so I’ve heard

And—get this—there isn’t even a comics page in
The New York Times
. I think that says all anyone needs to know about The Somber Gray Lady. Evidently, the Ochs and the Sulzburgers and the Dowds and the Krugmans think they’re above it all. They look down on regular folk like you and me who delight at Garfield’s lasagna-fueled “Cat-itude.” So I’m forced to fashion my own Grin Bin by making up funny captions to photos in the International section. Here’s one to tape to your cubicle!

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL VISION

Over the last few years, the Internet has grown from a haven for pornography and pet anecdotes into a haven for pornography and pet anecdotes where people go for news. The source-checking, story-verifying, reality-worshipping dinosaurs of the mainstream media are being pushed aside by the emergent
Evolution is a farce, but
Evolution metaphors come

tree shrews of the blogosphere.

in handy.

155

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Do I have any hard data to back these claims up?

No, but I posted this on the Internet:

WHERE PEOPLE GET THEIR NEWS

Town Crier

The Voices!

Stop the Voices!

Horoscope

Mainstream

Media

Internet

Past

Present

The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrested the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at Facts International Airport. Now there’s fresh blood at the controls,
With their
without any of the preconceived notions of the rudder-and-flaps crowd.
Pro-Landing-Gear

Agenda
This is the age of the open-source encyclopedia. Words like “research” and

“corroborated” now mean whatever the majority says they mean. Personally, I’m voting for “research” to mean “speculation” and “corroborated” to mean “a zesty sour cream-based dip.”

Example:

Recent
research
indicates that Barack Obama’s ties to Al Qaeda have been
corroborated
. And they are delicious on baby carrots.

But if you ask me, and you implicitly did ask me by buying this book, the digital bloom may soon be off the virtual rose. These days even Wolf Blitzer covers blogs on his show, and the first thing every journalist learns is the five “W’s” of journalism:

Who, What, When, Where, and

Wolf-Blitzer-is-for-hospital-patients-and-old-people.

156

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

Hi! I’m Amy!

To be honest, I don’t watch much TV news. The 24-hour

cable stations focus too much on garbage I don’t want my kids

to see. And what with working as a cashier at ShopCo, I don’t

have time to read a newspaper. So, I mostly get my news from

Time
and
Newsweek
and
Modern Bride
and the other news weeklies on the rack. A glance at their covers is all I need to keep me in touch with what’s going on in the world.

Amy Anatoly

And let me tell you, it is a mess. Just look at Iraq. “Can We

Canton, Ohio

Win?” Or “Is It Too Late to Win the War?” I guess it all depends on “How Soon We Can Get Out.” “Looking for a Way Out” is part

of “The Way Out,” but we can’t forget there are “6 Ways to Fix It” and

“75 Ways to Make Your Wedding Fabulous!” I think everybody over there just needs to

“Stress Less, Relax More” and “Have Vacation Sex Without Leaving Home!”

Plus, from what I gather, “The Search for Historical Jesus” is going no better than

“The Search for the Real Jesus” or even “The Search for Jesus.” And until we find Jesus, “The Search for Mary” seems like jumping the gun.

Of course, we’ve got problems here at home, too. I have to wonder, “Toxic Toys?

Are Kids Safe?” For that matter, “Are Kids Too Wired For Their Own Good?” “Do Kids Have Too Much Power?” “Are We Giving Kids Too Many Drugs?” But, most importantly, “Do We Care About Our Kids?”

One thing’s for sure. We should all “Be Worried. Be Very Worried.” Especially because, even though our brains are “Wired for Worry,” no one really knows “Why We Worry About the Wrong Things.” “Is Anything Safe?”

It gets so bad that some days, the only thing that gives me hope is that “Space Tourism May Be Closer Than You Think!”

Well, that’s my break. Gotta get back to the Express Lane. Lotta pressure. See you “Inside the iPhone!”

Bye!

FUN

™

Gut Teaser

THE “LIMO PROBLEM”

A limo driver has been dispatched to bring Tucker Carlson, James Carville and A Boston Cream Pie from MSNBC headquarters in New Jersey to a big-time press event in Manhattan.

Unfortunately, due to cutbacks at MSNBC, the limo can only carry one thing at a time. The limo driver can’t leave Carlson alone with Carville, because Carville is insane and will attack and destroy Carlson, and of course one can’t leave a Boston cream pie alone with Tucker Carlson. How will the pundits and the dessert get across the Hudson River to the event?