I am America (and so can you!) (104 page)

AMERICA-HATERS WHO WERE BROUGHT TO

Burl Ives

E.Y. “Yip”

Bill Melendez

Kim Hunter

Seems “Sam the

Harburg

He produced more

It’s a bitter pill to

Snowman” was

Lyricist for
The

than 75 “Peanuts”

swallow, but Dr.

actually “Pietrov the

Wizard of Oz
. Pay

specials, but he

Zira wasn’t only an

Pinko.” Say, what

no attention to the

forgot one:
It’s

evolutionist—she

color was Rudolph’s

man behind the Iron

Treason, Charlie

was a communist.

nose anyway?

Curtain. Lollipop

Brown!

Or am I being

3

Exactly.

Guild? Socialism for

redundant?

suckers.

Larry Adler

David Robison

Judy Holliday

Bill Scott

Hard to believe

When I remember

“Bells Are Ringing?”

Is it really a surprise

that the grasping

that episodes of

Yes, Ms. Holiday.

that the voice of

claws of the Red

Bewitched
were

It’s Joe McCarthy.

Mr. Peabody was a

Menace could

written by a Red,

He’d like to ask you

Commie? Or is there

even reach this

I shudder to think

a few questions.

some
other
political

harmonica virtuoso.

how close I came

He wasn’t “Born

system that lets

Even harder to

to naming my son

Yesterday!”

dogs keep humans

believe there’s

Uncle Arthur.

as pets?

such a phrase

as “harmonica

virtuoso.”

3
I don’t want to be too hard on Burl. He eventually came around and testified to HUAC, turning in
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Pete Seeger. “If I Had A Hammer”…and sickle!

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

NEWS ON THE MARCH!

The Time: Who knows, dude?

The scene: Anywhere Far-out! Drugged-out hippies take over

the movie business. It’s a bad trip, man!

Like any great era, the glorious days of the Blacklist had to end, but instead of spawning a new, Goldenest Age, Hollywood handed the keys to the kingdom to a generation of director-rebels fresh from Film School.

Once again, Higher Education took a perfectly decent slice of Americana, threw it to the ground and had its way. (Read Chapter 8 – at your own risk!) Your Scorseses, your Coppolas, and a few non-Italian directors turned Hollywood on its ear in the name of a gritty, “realistic” style of filmmaking.4

Movies, once fantastic dreamscapes where cowboys fought Indians and gay men kissed Elizabeth Taylor, became squalid nightmares where cowboys turned tricks and hillbillies kissed Ned Beatty.

These new Frank
Crap
ras wanted to be “important.” To regular folks like
Tip 10%

you and me, “important” is remembering to tip before tax and not putting tin
(unless they cut your

steak into tiny pieces
foil in the microwave. To Hollywood, “important” means picking an issue no
for you)

one cares about and making it a movie. Well, guess what? The Golden Age of movies tackled their fair share of “difficult issues.” I can think of several memorable films that tackled the difficult issue of how to get a large number of women to fall into a pool like dominos.

Just because these days a few Hollywood elites

decide some issue is “important” enough to make

a movie out of, why do I have to suffer through

Syriana
? Hey George “Looney,” last time I checked

Full disclosure:

it was called Syria.

I have never checked.

Here’s a Fact of Life. Your best work is behind you.

What went wrong?

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4
I give these new movies two thumbs up—to gouge out my eyes.

I say, if Hollywood absolutely must make a Message Movie, make one like
Starship Troopers
. This was the perfect political allegory, because I didn’t get it. People tell me it was about something, but all I know is that good-guy-armyguy shot bad-guy-monster-bugs with lasers in space. Four stars!

AUTHOR! AUTHOR!: The Hollywood agenda is so insidious and corrosive that I considered not devoting a chapter to it, just to be safe. I was going to fold it into the chapter on the gays or the chapter on the gay communists. [Note to Ed.—if we cut “Hunting and Mounting the American Commusexual,” I walk.]

There is another dark side to Hollywood. It’s not just the shattered dreams,
That’s right. Both sides
are dark.

or the cheap porn, or the moderately priced porn. There’s something much worse.

HOLLYWOOD LIBERALS

That shining city that only cares about money has an underbelly that only cares about saving the world. It’s getting so America can’t ignore the tiniest humanitarian crisis without some big movie star going on
Access Hollywood
to bitch about it.

I guess the Motion Picture Academy mails out a pet cause with every Oscar nomination, because no sooner do we inform a star that we like him/her than
But not a he/she!

they’re up on some soapbox.

You know who I’m talking about:

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCA-LEFT

Sean Penn

Barbra Streisand

Tim Robbins

Kirsten Dunst

These four are constantly whining about injustice, chaining themselves to redwoods, bad-mouthing our president, and tormenting us with their portrayals of the perfect yet unattainable hometown girl.

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