Helping Hand (7 page)

that caught his interest.

Jez felt a question he’d been wanting to ask Josh for ages itching at

the back of his m ind. He sighed and shifted in his seat, picking at the skin

around his fingers as he tried to work up the courage.

He finally asked, the words com ing out in a rush, “When did y ou

know y ou were gay ?”

The sound of the pages turning stopped, and there was a long silence.

When Jez finally dared to look up, Josh was watching him with a

thoughtful expression. Jez was relieved to see there wasn’t a trace of

teasing there, but he felt his cheeks heat any way.

“I dunno. Alway s, m ay be? There wasn’t a big sudden ‘oh m y God,

I’m gay ’ m om ent for m e. I alway s had crushes on boy s, and when I

worked out what m y dick was for, I didn’t want to put it in girls. So it was

pretty obvious.”

“So, y ou’ve never…?”

“I tried it once.” Josh wrinkled his nose and chuckled. “But I couldn’t

get it up, so that only m ade m e m ore sure.” There was a long pause, and

for a m om ent Jez thought he m ight have got away without having to talk

about him self. But Josh held his gaze, and his green ey es were curious.

“Why do y ou want to know?”

Jez winced inwardly. But if he didn’t want to talk about it, he shouldn’t

have brought it up in the first place. “I, um ….” He took a deep breath. “I

think I like guy s. But I like girls too, so I didn’t take the liking-blokes part

seriously before.”

“Before what?”

Jez floundered for a m om ent. No way was he going to m ention

Mac’s part in his realisations. “Nothing specific. I’ve j ust been thinking

about it a lot recently —and watching gay porn.” That part was true, and

it had been very enlightening.

Josh’s lips curved in a knowing sm ile, and his lip ring glinted where it

caught the light. “Is this the bit where y ou ask if y ou can test out the

theory with m e? Because I would—if y ou wanted to.”

Jez gaped in shock, because that absolutely wasn’t what he was

suggesting, but he let him self im agine it for a split second. It would be

straightforward with Josh. He was attractive, there would be no

com plicated feelings, and Jez would be with som eone who knew what he

was doing and was into it 100 percent—phy sically, at least. It would be

the perfect way to test out his newfound interest in m en and m ay be to

experim ent with som e of the things Jez wanted to try but didn’t dare

suggest to Mac. But no…. Jez felt a strange sense of loy alty to Mac even

though it was totally m isplaced. He didn’t for a m om ent think that Mac

would care about him fooling around with som eone else, but it didn’t feel

right. Plus having sex with one housem ate was awkward enough; the last

thing Jez needed was to m ake his life even m ore com plicated.

“No. That’s not what this conversation was about. But… thanks for

the offer, really.”

“Any tim e.” Josh grinned. “Deflowering gay virgins is fun.”

“Fuck off.” Jez snorted. “I’m not com pletely innocent.”

“Oh y eah?” Josh looked gleeful at the potential for gossip.

Jez ignored him and picked up his coffee, taking a gulp to stop

him self from oversharing. It was tem pting to spill every thing to Josh, but

Jez couldn’t risk it. Not when the secret belonged to Mac as well as him .

When it was obvious that no m ore j uicy details were forthcom ing,

Josh picked up his m agazine again and went back to reading.

Jez finished his coffee in silence, but his thoughts were deafening.

Chapter Seven

In late Novem ber it was Shawn’s birthday. There was no way Jez

and Mac could get away with stay ing in when all their m ates were going

out to help Shawn celebrate, so they invoked the special occasion clause

in their pact and agreed to j oin the others for once.

It felt weird getting ready to go out after so m any nights in. They

were going clubbing, but there was no dress code; casual would be fine.

Even so, Jez m ade m ore effort with his appearance than he had done in

m onths. He showered and dressed in his best j eans and a black T-shirt that

hugged his torso and em phasised his narrow waist and wide shoulders.

His shaggy, dirty -blond hair didn’t need m uch sty ling, so he j ust com bed

a little wax through it to keep it from going fluffy. He stared in the m irror

critically. Not bad. He tilted his face so the light caught the golden brown

stubble on his j aw. Yeah. He’d do.

Jez went down to the living room where a whole gang of people was

hanging out. As well as his housem ates there were also several other

friends of Shawn’s, m ost of whom Jez had m et before. They were all

getting stuck into the booze—preloading to save m oney on overpriced

beers in the pubs and clubs they ’d be hitting later. There were a ton of

bottles on the coffee table, beer, wine, and cheap brands of vodka and

whisky, and various m ixers. Upbeat m usic poured out of the speakers, and

Jez felt a thrill of excitem ent. He’d got used to stay ing in, but tonight was

going to be fun. Being a herm it had its downside.

Judging by the loud conversation and raucous laughter, he had som e

catching up to do on the alcohol front. He m ade his way to the table and

poured him self a vodka and coke—light on the coke, heavy on the vodka.

He took a swig and felt the burn of the alcohol all the way to his stom ach.

“Jez, m y m an!” A heavy hand clapped on his shoulder, and he

turned to see Shawn, flushed and clearly pissed already. Knowing Shawn,

he’d probably started at lunchtim e. “You’re com ing out later, y eah?”

“Yeah. Gotta help y ou celebrate no longer being a teenager, haven’t

I?” Jez raised his glass, and Shawn bum ped it erratically with the can of

Special Brew he was holding.

“Too fucking right, m ate. ’Bout tim e y ou and that pussy Mac cam e

out and got som e action. You’ve been j oined at the hip for weeks. People

are starting to wonder about y our brom ance, y ou know.”

Jez’s stom ach lurched but he schooled his features into am used

indifference. He scanned the room quickly for Mac to see if he was

listening. Sure enough, Mac was watching their exchange from the sofa,

and he wasn’t doing a good j ob of hiding his discom fort. His j aw was

tense as he glared at Shawn.

Jez decided to front it out, but he kept his tone light. “Don’t be a dick,

Shawny. You know we’ve had our reasons for stay ing in this term .

Any way, we’re com ing out tonight. Wouldn’t m iss it.”

But Shawn frowned, drunk and aggressive. “I should hope so. I’m not

having y ou stay ing in on m y birthday. That would be so fucking gay.”

Jez’s body tensed at the word. Shawn didn’t m ean it literally. It was

one of those things people said—a stupid insult that Jez had probably

thrown out him self hundreds of tim es over the y ears. But now it m ade his

palm s sweat and his heart pound with the irrational fear that som ehow

Shawn knew.

Jez caught Mac’s ey e for a split second before looking back at

Shawn’s stupid, belligerent face. Mac appeared as stunned as Jez felt, so

he was clearly going to be no help here. Jez tried to find the right

response, afraid he’d say the wrong thing or give them away by his

expression or the tone of his voice. But before he could gather his wits

and find som e words, distraction cam e from an unexpected quarter.

“Stay ing in isn’t gay, Shawn,” Josh drawled from behind Shawn.

“We’ve been through this. Will y ou please stop with using that as an insult

for every thing? As the resident gay, I’m getting tired of hearing it.”

Shawn flushed. “It’s j ust an expression,” he m uttered, but at least he

had the grace to look guilty.

“Well, it’s a stupid one.” Josh’s ey es narrowed as if daring Shawn to

argue m ore.

There was an awkward pause. Jez was suddenly aware that the

chatter had died down. Most people in the room seem ed to be listening to

their little exchange.

“Which pub are we going to later?” Jez wanted to get the

conversation away from dangerous ground.

Luckily Shawn took the bait, and the m om ent passed. Josh gave Jez a

quick wink before turning away to talk to Dani again.

When Jez dared look back at Mac a little later, he seem ed to have

relaxed and was deep in conversation with a blonde girl Jez hadn’t seen

before. She was pretty, and she kept giggling at things Mac said and

twirling her hair. Jez ignored the unpleasant lurch of discom fort in his gut.

Mac could flirt with any one he wanted; it wasn’t Jez’s business.

In the pub, the girl—Gem m a, Jez found out when Mac introduced

them —was still hanging around Mac. It didn’t m ake Jez feel any better

when it turned out that Gem m a was not only pretty but also funny and

intelligent. She was study ing Politics and Philosophy and had opinions on

every thing. In other circum stances Jez would probably have been

attracted to her and tried to get her attention for him self, but tonight he

was uneasy and unsettled, and he was struggling to follow the

conversation because his own thoughts were too distracting.

He excused him self to go to the bar. It was busy, but it didn’t take too

long to get served as they had lots of people working. As the barm an was

pouring Jez’s pint, a girl squeezed in beside Jez, digging him in the ribs

with an elbow.

“Oops, sorry,” she said. “But when y ou’re m y height, y ou have to

be pushy.” She couldn’t have been m uch over five feet tall and looked like

a little pixie with spiky hair in an unnatural shade of red, big dark ey es,

and an upturned nose.

“I can only im agine.” Jez was six foot now and had had his growth

spurt at thirteen. He couldn’t rem em ber being that sm all.

She grinned. “Yeah, it’s okay for y ou.”

She spoke with a slight accent. Jez tried to place it—Italian, m ay be?

The barm an returned with Jez’s pint. “Any thing else?” he asked.

“Oh, could y ou get m e a pint of Dry Blackthorn if y ou’re already

being served?” the girl asked. “Here’s the m oney.” She put a pile of coins

down on the bar. Jez would have offered to pay for hers, but she pushed

them towards him insistently.

The barm an went off to pour her drink.

“I’m Gabi, by the way. You’re here for Shawn’s birthday too, y es?”

“Yes.” Jez nodded. “I’m Jez.”

“Cool.”

When they both had their drinks, Gabi j oined Jez’s group, squeezing

in beside him on the bench seat. He introduced her to Mac, and she

already knew Gem m a. Mac caught Jez’s ey e and gave a slight grin and

ey ebrow raise, m ay be in encouragem ent.

As the evening progressed, the girls stuck with them . Jez was

enj oy ing Gabi’s com pany. She was fun to talk to and cute to look at. She

wasn’t hiding her interest, and norm ally Jez would have gone for it and

flirted right back, but tonight he was distracted by what was going on with

Mac and Gem m a. He found him self listening in to their conversation

instead of pay ing attention to Gabi. A rising unease tightened his chest and

m ade his gut clench. Jez was reluctant to adm it he was j ealous, but deep

down he recognised the unfam iliar em otion even though he tried to

ignore it. Instead he tried to drown his feelings in beer. If he drank

enough, he m ight m anage to stop m oping around after his m ate and get

with the program . Gabi was into him , and she was cool. It had been way

too long since he’d hooked up with a girl. May be he needed to get back in

the saddle.

By the tim e they got to the club, Jez was well on the way to being

drunk but not quite at the sloppy stage. He was buzzed and feeling m ore

chilled, the alcohol tem porarily clouding his anxieties. Gabi took his hand

and pulled him towards the packed dance floor, and he followed. Once

they were lost in the throng, she turned to face him . Pressed close by the

crowd, it was easier to dance with his hands on her hips. She put her arm s

around his neck, tilted her head back, and sm iled.

Jez let his gaze roam over the rest of the dancers. Lots of the others

from their group had j oined them . He caught sight of Shawn with a

curly -haired girl, and Josh and Dani dancing together—blatantly dirty

dancing in a com pletely over-the-top way —and then he found who he

was looking for. Mac’s dark head stood out because he was a couple of

inches taller than m ost other blokes, and sure enough, he was dancing