Halfway to Forever (19 page)

It was time to say good-bye.

Hannah wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked at the two older women sitting across from them. “Would you mind if we had a few minutes alone with Grace?”

The social worker gave a quick nod. “Take your time.” She stood and motioned for Patsy Landers to follow. “We’ll walk on the beach. Thirty minutes sound okay?”

Hannah nodded and hung her head.

Her life since Mrs. Parsons’s phone call the day before seemed like something from a nightmare. Matt had gotten home just after one o’clock and spent the next two hours talking with various officials at Social Services.

He had started with Mrs. Parsons. The questions sounded like something from one of Matt’s famous cross-examinations, and Hannah sat cross-legged nearby, staring at the floor, listening to Matt’s end of the conversation.

“What if the woman isn’t mentally sound?” Pause. “Have you checked her financial records?” Another pause. “Does she have the space to raise a child? The energy?”

When he had exhausted all avenues with Mrs. Parsons, Matt asked to speak to her superior. Again Hannah listened.

“I understand that, but the judge has already given her permanent placement in our house.” Silence. “I realize that, but any psychologist would tell you that once a child has bonded to parental figures, it’s more traumatic to separate that bond than it is to work within it.” More silence. “Maybe you’re not hearing me. I said we’d be happy to work out visitation rights with the child’s grandmother … Yes, I know she lives in Oklahoma, but right now we’re Grace’s parents and that’s how it should stay even if …”

Matt’s efforts went on that way until Jenny and Grace spilled through the front door, giggling and grinning from their day together. Jenny saw Hannah sitting on the floor crying and Matt on the phone.

The smile faded from her face and her eyes grew wide.

Matt got off the phone and they all listened as Grace rattled on in a happy singsong voice about the lunch out with Jenny, the shopping, and the fun time they had playing at a local park.

Hannah had wiped her tears and smiled at Grace. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go to your room for a little bit and
play with your baby doll. Mommy has to talk to Jenny.”

Grace was oblivious to the mood in the room and she skipped off, blowing Hannah and Matt a kiss on her way. Before she left, she ran up to Jenny and kissed her on the cheek. “Can I tell you something, Jenny?”

Jenny’s voice was pinched, and Hannah had the feeling her daughter somehow knew what was about to happen. “Sure, sweetie. Anything.”

“You’re the best sister in the world.” Grace smiled big at her and threw her arms around Jenny’s neck. “I love you for always and always.”

When Grace was out of earshot, Hannah stood and held open her arms. Jenny came to her, hugging her close while Matt stood beside them. “Honey, I’m so sorry to tell you this.”

Hannah could feel the heavy thud of Jenny’s heartbeat and a wave of nausea swept over her. The entire scene reminded her of that awful day in the hospital room when Jenny regained consciousness after the accident. The day Hannah had to tell Jenny that she’d lost both her father and her older sister. This was different, of course … but it was every bit as painful and just as final.

Jenny had pulled back, searching Hannah’s face. “What happened?”

Normally Matt would have stepped up, put his hand on Jenny’s shoulder—something that would come across as a show of support … but he was drowning in his own pain. He said nothing as Hannah tried to explain.

“Grace’s grandmother has turned up. The judge says Grace has to live with her. In Oklahoma.”

Jenny stepped back, her face knotted in angry confusion.
“What?
They can’t do that! She belongs to
us.”

Hannah took careful hold of Jenny’s arm, bridging the distance between them. “She’s here on the foster-adopt program.”
Hannah’s voice broke. “We all knew that.”

Jenny backed out of Hannah’s grip. “But Mrs. Parsons said there were no doubts! Nothing that would stop her from being ours. She said the foster-adopt thing was a technicality, remember?”

Neither Hannah nor Matt spoke.

Jenny struggled to keep from yelling. “Can’t Matt do something about it? He’s a lawyer; they’ll listen to him.”

“I tried.” Matt took a step closer to Jenny. “Grace’s grandma is fit enough to care for her. That’s all the courts care about. The law is clear. If an existing relative is suitable for guardianship, then that relative gets the child. There are no gray areas, Jenny. I’ve tried everything.”

Jenny leaned forward and spread her fingers across her chest. “How can God let this happen to us twice?” She hesitated and Hannah could see tears on Jenny’s cheeks.
“Twice?”

Hannah blinked back a lake of tears. “God brought her to us, Jenny. He’ll get us through.” It was true—Hannah knew it with every fiber of her heart—but in that moment the words sounded trite and pat.

Jenny’s mouth hung open and Hannah wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or scream. Instead she turned and ran to her bedroom.

Hannah started after her, but stopped near the stairs. “Jenny …”

The girl stopped and looked back at Hannah. “What?”

“Don’t stay up there too long; Grace leaves tomorrow.”

The evening had been an emotional roller coaster, one like Hannah had never experienced before. When Tom and Alicia died, none of them had seen it coming. There were no final meals or final bedtime talks or final goodnight kisses.

That wasn’t the case this time, and as evening came, the finality
was almost more than Hannah could bear. Hannah and Matt decided to wait until after dinner to tell Grace about her impending move to Oklahoma. And since Grace liked the beach better than any place at all, the three of them prepared a picnic dinner they could eat near the water. Before dinner Jenny joined them, and they filled the next two hours with as much joy and love and happiness as they possibly could.

They ate Grace’s favorite meal—peanut butter sandwiches with raspberry jam, and chocolate chip cookies. Then they built a sandcastle on the shore and watched as the waves came closer and closer. A minute later they jumped back when a big wave came and washed the castle into the sea. Only Grace clapped with delight as it disappeared.

It was all Hannah could do not to break down right there. The castle seemed to represent everything about their time with Grace. All that they’d spent months building. When Grace was gone, there would be nothing more to show for their time together than a hole in their hearts where once stood a beautiful castle.

They held hands—all four of them—as they walked back home, and after Grace’s bath they gathered in her room and told her the devastating news.

Hannah had agreed to do the talking. Matt and Jenny would stay close by, helping Grace know that this decision was not one they agreed with. That no matter what happened she would always be their little girl.

“Grace?” Hannah sat on the child’s bed, her heart pounding in her throat. “We have something to tell you.”

Grace was lying flat on her back and a quick smile came over her face. “You mean like a story?”

Hannah’s eyes filled, blurring the image of Grace. “No, honey. Stories aren’t real. The thing I have to tell you now is real.”

“Okay, what?” Grace’s fingers gripped the satin edge of her
blanket on either side of her chin. “Tell me.”

A light-headed feeling came over Hannah and she begged God for strength.
And the right words, God … please. Something that will make the transition easier for Grace
. She managed to grab a mouthful of air, and decided to start with the good news.

“Grace, they found your grandma. She isn’t dead; she’s alive.”

Grace scrunched up her face. “Mommy said she was dead.”

Hannah cast a desperate glance at Matt and then turned her attention back to Grace. “Your mommy was wrong. Your grandma is alive and she’s coming to see you tomorrow.”

Grace sat straight up and stared at Hannah. “My grandma’s coming tomorrow?”

“Yes.” Hannah took hold of Grace’s hand. “In the morning.”

“From Oklahoma?”

Hannah had nodded, and her throat grew thick again. Grace was very bright for a four-year-old. She seemed to know more, retain more information than most children. Then again, Grace hadn’t ever had a childhood.

At least not until she lived with them.

Hannah steadied herself. “There’s something else.” She paused. “Your grandma wants you to go back to Oklahoma. She wants you to live with her.”

Grace’s blonde eyebrows settled lower on her face. “You mean for a bacation?”

“No, honey …” Behind her, Hannah could hear the sound of Jenny stifling her tears, and Matt came alongside her, slipping his arm over her shoulder. She focused on Grace once more. “I mean forever. Your grandma wants you to be
her
little girl.”

Tears flooded Grace’s eyes. “In Oklahoma?”

“Yes, baby. You’ll be moving to Oklahoma with her tomorrow.”

“But …” The tears spilled onto her velvet-soft cheeks. “But will
you come with me?”

The child’s words sliced Hannah’s heart to ribbons. She had thought nothing could be more painful than Mrs. Parsons’s call earlier that day. She was wrong.

Will you come with me …?

Hannah bit her lower lip and found the strength to speak.

“We can’t, honey. Our house is here. Your house will be in Oklahoma.” Hannah imagined how her answer must have sounded to Grace and she cringed. “Your grandma wants you all to herself.” Tears were tumbling down Grace’s cheeks, and Hannah cocked her head, desperate to ease the child’s sadness. “You love your grandma, right?”

“Yes.” Grace’s chin quivered, and two soft sobs came from her throat. “But you’re my mommy and daddy and Jenny.” She looked around. “This is my room. And if my room is here then this is where I live. I wanna stay, Mommy.
Please …”

They were all crying now, tears coursing down Hannah’s, Matt’s, and Jenny’s faces alike. Hannah pulled Grace close and smoothed her hand over the child’s silky hair, hair that was so like Alicia’s at that age. Jenny crawled under the covers on the other side of Grace and Matt knelt up against the bed. They formed a group hug, each of them crying in soft whispers, desperately hanging on to the moment.

Hannah could almost feel herself pushing against the hands of time, begging God for more hours, days. Whatever He might give them. As though by staying there at her side they might somehow avoid the good-bye ahead.

But long after Grace had cried herself to sleep, time marched on, and that morning when the doorbell rang, her two large suitcases were packed and ready to go.

Hannah had imagined Patsy Landers to be an older version of Grace’s mother, hard and mean, tarnished from years of drug
abuse. The real Patsy couldn’t have been more different.

Mrs. Parsons made the introductions. Jenny had taken Grace outside until the given signal, allowing the adults to discuss the matter away from her at first.

When they were seated, Patsy turned to Hannah and spoke in a voice that trembled with emotion. “You have no idea how sorry I am about this.” She turned to Matt. “I had no idea Grace had been placed in foster care. I’m afraid …” Her gaze fell to her lap for a moment. “I’m afraid my daughter told her I was dead.”

The entire story spilled out, and by the time it was finished, Hannah knew that despite her limp, the woman was obviously capable of caring for Grace. Clearly she had wanted custody of the child long before this, but time and again had been refused by her daughter. What’s more, it seemed the woman was a believer, just as Grace had told them from the beginning. Hannah and Matt need not worry; this woman would keep Grace grounded in her faith.

But the most obvious truth was this: Patsy Landers loved Grace with all her heart. And so there was no doubt in Hannah’s mind that the child’s move to Oklahoma was not only final, it was the right thing. Maybe not now, maybe not in the short term, while Grace was bound to miss them. But in the bigger picture. Grace would not know the love of parents the way she would have if she’d been allowed to stay, but she would have a woman who had known her all her life and loved her since birth. A woman who, like all of them, had been a victim of Leslie Landers’s drug addiction.

When their discussion was over, Patsy thanked Hannah and Matt and promised to pray that God would bring another child into their lives soon. Jenny led Grace into the room after that, and now here they were. After months of learning to love a little girl they’d never known before, months of breaking through her
silence and isolation and hurt, months of caring for her as though they’d have forever together, it was time to say good-bye.

Patsy and Edna left through the back of the house and closed the door behind them. Hannah summoned all her strength to lift her head and kiss Grace on the forehead. “Your grandma is a very nice lady, Grace.”

Jenny bit her lip, and Hannah knew she was trying to stop the tears that flowed from the corners of her eyes. Matt was utterly still, his chin resting on Grace’s head. Grace realized the finality of the moment and she, too, started to cry. “Come with me, Mommy, please …” Grace looked up and pressed her cheek against Hannah’s. “I don’t want to live in Oklahoma.”

“But you love your grandma, Grace.” Hannah squeezed her eyes shut, wanting more than anything to tell the child she could stay. “This is the best plan for you now. Everyone thinks so.”

“But I love
you
. You’re … you’re …” Hannah opened her eyes. Grace’s sobs were becoming too great for her to speak. She struggled for a long moment while Hannah and Matt stroked her back. “You’re my … 
family.”

Jenny moved off the sofa and fell to her knees in front of Grace. “We’ll always be your family, honey. Always. Anytime you think of us, we’ll be right there.”

Mrs. Parsons had advised that in situations where foster-adopt placements were disrupted, it was best not to maintain contact between the child and the foster parents. “Too much pain for everyone involved,” the social worker explained. “Complete severance will give Grace the best chance for a healthy adjustment.”