Halfway to Forever (12 page)

Jade nodded and Ty disappeared through the back door. She felt suddenly tired, but made her way up the stairs and found Tanner in his office, writing on a legal pad.

The sound of her footsteps caused him to look up. “Hi.”

The tension in Jade’s shoulders eased. Tanner’s tone was cheery. Maybe she was only imagining the distance she sensed between them. “Hi.” She came up behind him and worked her hands along the base of his neck. “I called for testers on my potato salad.”

Tanner’s muscles stiffened beneath her fingers. “I had to work.”

“I know.” Jade stooped so their cheeks were touching. She spoke softly, her voice a whisper. “But it’s my famous potato salad. It won’t be the same without your professional tasting ability.”

Tanner stared at his notepad for a moment, then back at her. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Jade straightened and walked around his chair. She knelt in front of him and sighed. “But why does it seem like that’s the only question you ask me lately?”

For a moment Tanner said nothing, then he set his pencil down and wheeled his chair backward so there was some distance between them. “Is this how it’s going to be?”

Jade let her hands hang at her sides. “How what’s going to be?”

“You have cancer, Jade. Brain cancer.” Tanner crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in his chair. He narrowed his eyes, his voice loud and frustrated. “Last time I checked that was something
serious.” He gestured toward the door. “But there you are, making potato salad and getting ready for some big Fourth of July picnic like everything’s fine.”

Jade folded her arms. “What do you want me to do, Tanner? Lie down in bed and wait until I get sicker? Turn out the lights and give up on you and Ty?” She placed one hand over her abdomen. “On our baby?” A huff slipped from her throat. “I’m sorry, honey, but I can’t do that. I
won’t
do it.”

Tanner uncrossed his legs and dug his elbows into his thighs. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

“What
do
you mean?” Jade threw her hands in the air. “Ever since you heard the c-word you’ve been different. Like you’re afraid to touch me, to love me.”

“That’s not true.” Tanner’s tone was softer as he stared at her with helpless eyes. His gaze fell to his feet, and he covered his face with his hands. “Ah, Jade. You have no idea.”

Jade’s anger cooled and she crawled closer, resting her head on his knee. Of course Tanner wasn’t put off by her illness or bent on being negative. He was simply afraid.

Scared to death at the thought of losing her.

She reached up, peeling Tanner’s fingers from his face until she could see his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

He studied her, his gaze layered in pain and fear. “Don’t pretend everything’s okay, Jade. Please.”

“I’m not pretending.” She forced a smile despite the tears that stung her eyes. “I feel good, Tanner. Better than I thought I would.”

“But you’re sick. You can’t act like you’re not.”

“Yes, I can.” She uttered a single laugh. “I can act happy and normal and crazy in love. Don’t you see, Tanner? You and Ty and our baby, all of you matter more to me than being sick.” She brought her lips to his and kissed him long and slow, working her
hands along his sides and dusting his neck with her fingertips. “Ty’s outside.” Her voice was deep with desire as she rose to her feet.

Taking his hand in hers, she led him out of the office toward their bedroom, where she did everything in her power to make Tanner forget about cancer and surgery and the medication’s devastating side effects.

Everything except the way she so desperately loved him.

The picnic was going strong and so far Matt thought it had been a huge success.

Jade and Hannah were inside washing dishes, and Jenny and Ty were on the beach playing Frisbee with Grace. Matt cleaned the barbecue while he watched Tanner run a dishrag over the picnic table. The usual afternoon breeze had kicked up and Matt decided against getting his guitar. They almost always sang after dinner, but he wanted to give Tanner a chance to talk

They finished their jobs, found their sunglasses, and took seats in adjacent beach chairs. For a while they watched the kids as they ran through the surf, chasing the Frisbee and splashing each other.

“Grace looks happy.” Tanner kept his gaze on the child.

Matt studied her, amazed at how she’d become part of their family. “She’s a special little girl.”

“Any word from her birth mother?”

Matt shrugged. “She’s in jail. The termination should be finished up in four months.”

Tanner shook his head. “Amazing.”

They fell silent again, and Matt watched as Jenny swept Grace into her arms and ran from Ty. The boy was a miniature of his father. Strong and agile. Beautiful in motion. He caught the girls
in ten strides and the threesome tumbled to the sand, laughing and tickling each other.

There was a full feeling in his heart and Matt realized what it was: He was a father, really and truly. Not just to Jenny, whose heart would always belong in part to another man, but to Grace as well. No longer was the child’s presence in their home something of an experiment or a way to help a child in need. She was his daughter, through and through.

She had moved into his heart, where she would always remain, regardless of what the months ahead brought. He no longer had even the slightest emptiness in the father’s heart that beat within him. That place was filled with a little girl he loved more with each passing day.

A little girl who—regardless of her biological makeup—was absolutely his own.

The wind stung at Matt’s eyes and he shifted his gaze to Jenny.
Good for you, Jenny girl
. She was two months from starting college and could have turned her back on the idea of Matt and Hannah adopting a child. Instead, she’d been determined to be a part of the process from the beginning. And now that Grace was part of their family, Jenny had blossomed in ways Matt had never seen before.

He studied her again. What was it exactly? Something in her carefree expression, or the twinkling in her eyes.

Just then Jenny threw her head back and laughed with abandon as Grace took her by the hand and tried once more to outrun Ty.

That was it. Her laughter. Jenny laughed more easily than before. Suddenly Matt remembered a conversation he and Hannah had shared not long after they were married. They were walking together and Matt had commented that Jenny seemed back to normal, content and happy with life.

But Hannah cast him a sad smile and shook her head.

“She’s not the same as before the accident.”

They kept walking, and Matt asked Hannah what she meant.

“The way she laughs is different. She doesn’t throw her head back and giggle like she used to before Tom and Alicia died.” Then Hannah had said something Matt still found utterly sad. “You want the truth?”

“Yes.” Matt tightened his grip on Hannah’s hand.

“I don’t think she’ll ever laugh that way again.”

The memory faded, and Matt stood to get Hannah. She had to see it, had to watch for herself the fact that Grace had helped Jenny laugh again. But as he turned toward the house, he saw Hannah was already outside, standing a dozen feet behind him, seeing the same thing he’d just seen.

Her hand was over her mouth and tears filled her eyes. “I never thought …”

Matt crossed the deck, slipped his arm around Hannah and held her close. “I was coming to get you.”

“It’s …” Hannah’s voice was raspy with emotion. “It’s because of Grace. Jenny has a sister to love again.” Hannah focused hard on the smaller girl and shook her head. “The resemblance to Alicia is uncanny, Matt.”

Matt nodded and watched the two girls for a long while. “I love her so much it scares me.” He looked at Hannah. “Ever feel that way?”

“Yes.” Hannah shifted her gaze back to their two daughters. “All the time.”

After a minute Hannah went back inside, and Matt returned to his seat beside Tanner.

“Everything okay?”

Matt nodded. “It’s Jenny. She’s really blossoming as Grace’s big sister.”

Tanner stroked his chin and studied the children again. “They look alike, have you noticed?”

A smile lifted the corners of Matt’s mouth. “Yeah, we noticed.” Matt shifted in his chair and searched Tanner’s face. “Hey, how are things?”

Tanner filled his cheeks with air. He held his breath, then leaked it out again. “Work’s good. I like the Benson, Colorado case. The pastor’s wife sent me the contract they had with the city. Came in the mail yesterday.” Tanner shrugged. “She’s right. Deep into the document there’s a clause that says City Hall can’t be rented by any group who teaches faith in Jesus Christ as the only way to salvation.” He grabbed a quick breath. “It’s amazing because even without looking at case precedent, we’ve got a winner here, and personally, I think it’ll be—”

“Tanner.” Matt reached out and took hold of his friend’s wrist. “I wasn’t talking about work.” He hesitated. “I was talking about Jade.”

“Oh, that.” Tanner seemed to shrink an inch as he settled back in his chair. “Jade says she’s feeling good.”

Matt nodded. “She looks good.”

“Right.” Tanner waited awhile then leaned forward again. “Anyway, I told the pastor’s wife we’d set up a conference call after the holiday. That way we could figure out what to do, whether we file suit now and interview people at the church or fly out for a conversation with …”

Matt let Tanner ramble on about the case, but concern for his friend grew with each passing sentence. Since Jade’s diagnosis, Tanner had responded one of two ways whenever the topic came up. Either he was angry and full of questions or he refused to talk about it.

Neither response was a solution in a situation like the one
Jade faced. The one their whole family faced. Because even if she felt good now, there were dark times ahead. The premature delivery of their baby, radiation, chemotherapy, and brain surgery.

So while Tanner droned on about the Colorado case, Matt prayed that his friend would stop avoiding the truth and figure out a way to handle the situation.

Because the hardest days of Jade and Tanner’s lives were just around the corner.

By the time the two families lined up their beach chairs on the sand at dusk that evening, Jenny was exhausted. Fireworks shot off the pier in Redondo Beach lit up half the sky. Grace cuddled between Jenny’s legs and jumped a time or two when a firework was particularly large or loud.

There was no way to explain the change that had come over Jenny’s heart in the past few weeks. At first she had been irritated by Grace’s silence, but over the days she’d seen a connection growing. After all, Jenny knew what it was to be withdrawn in the face of loss. Even if Grace’s mother had been awful, Grace was bound to feel sad and uncertain over being taken from her.

Jenny figured the connection between her and Grace happened about the time they got their sister bracelets.

But now there was something even deeper, stronger. Something she hadn’t felt since before Alicia’s death. As the fireworks ended, Grace squirmed around and hugged her. It was then that Jenny understood what she was feeling. It was a sense that she belonged to Grace, and Grace to her—a special feeling that couldn’t be replaced, not even with a best friend or a loving parent.

After four long, empty years, Jenny was finally a sister again. And no matter their age difference or the fact that Grace was adopted, Jenny knew something else.

The feeling would last forever.

The group was making their way into the house, folding chairs and commenting on the dazzling display and the fact that another Fourth of July was behind them. Jenny stood and took Grace by the hand. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go inside.”

After a cup of milk and two more chocolate chip cookies, Jenny led Grace toward the adults. “Grace and I are tired.” She smiled down at her sister. “We’re turning in for the night.”

There was a round of good nights and Jenny helped Grace up the stairs and into the bathroom where they brushed their teeth. After Grace had her nightgown on, Jenny tucked her under the covers and kissed her forehead. “You wanna pray or want me to?”

Grace grinned. “Let’s both pray.”

When they were finished, Grace blinked twice. “Can I keep the lights on for a few minutes? I want to look at my Bible.”

Jenny smiled and reached for the bright blue children’s picture Bible near Grace’s bed. “Sure, honey.” She pointed to the wall adjacent to the child’s bed. “I’ll be on the other side of that wall getting ready, okay? I’ll check on you in a few minutes.”

Grace locked eyes with Jenny and smiled the sweetest smile Jenny had ever seen. “I love you, Jenny.”

A rock settled in Jenny’s gut, and for a long time she stood there, not sure what to say. She
did
love Grace, didn’t she? But those words had never been something Jenny said lightly. In all her years, she’d only said them to four people: her parents, Matt, and Alicia. The people who were permanent in her life, people she could count on. It was her way of maintaining the meaning of the words.

Don’t let her notice, Lord. Please. I’m just not ready …

Jenny swallowed quick and smiled as big as she could. “You’re my favorite girl, Gracie; you know that, right?”

The corners of Grace’s lips fell a bit. “Yep. You’re my favorite girl, too.”

Jenny clenched her fists as she left Grace’s room.
What’s wrong with me? I do love her, don’t I?

She wasn’t sure and she was too tired to dwell on the issue. Five minutes passed and Jenny was taking out her earrings when it happened. Three soft thuds sounded on the wall between her room and Grace’s. Jenny’s heart stopped, and her breath caught in her throat. Suddenly she was four years younger, and the girl in the next room was not Grace, but Alicia.

It had been a different house, of course, but a similar wall had separated their rooms, and from an early age they designed a code. One thud meant hello; two meant come quick. And three thuds represented the three words she and Alicia shared every day for as far back as Jenny could remember. The words Jenny reserved for only a select few.