Fragile Bonds (6 page)

“No, I don’t think we can,” he says, matter-of-factly. I focus on him, trying to figure out why this is so important to him. “When you left, Xavier fell apart. And seeing as you left me a voicemail saying you weren’t going to be able to work for me anymore, I assumed it was your decision. You disappeared on us.”

“Braydon--”

“Don’t. I need to get this out.” There’s a strange hint of desperation in his tone. “Xavier isn’t the only one who lost you when you left.”

“I didn’t--”

Braydon presses his index finger against my lips, hard, to silence me, keeping it there as he continues talking, ensuring that I won’t. “You weren’t just an employee or my brother’s girlfriend. You were my family, too. And you left.”

I pull his hand away from my
face, refusing to listen to him insisting that I was the one who walked out. I didn’t
want
to leave, Xavier told me he needed time to think. And then I got a letter from him saying that we couldn’t be together again because he couldn’t trust me. What was I supposed to do?

“Braydon, I get that you wanted to look out for your brother, but I didn’t leave him. I--”

This time, Braydon’s full hand covers my mouth. Apparently, he wants me to hear him out. “Some things never change, do they?” he says, the slightest chuckle escaping his lips. “You never were good at keeping your mouth shut while someone talked, were you?” I shake my head, knowing he’s right. It’s a skill I’ve worked on over the years, but the Melanie that he knew was notorious for making sure her voice was heard, even if it meant trampling on someone else’s words.

“As I was saying, I owe you an apology. It wasn’t until last month that I knew what really happened between the two of you.” My eyes grow wide as he speaks. Xavier and I haven’t talked about that time in our lives, so it surprises me to hear that he’s talked to Braydon about it. “I know now that you didn’t leave, so I’m sorry for the shit I spewed at you on Christmas Eve. You didn’t deserve that.”

I bite my tongue, acknowledging him with a simple nod. There are so many things I would like to say, but I’m determined to prove to Braydon that I can listen.

“But I need you to promise me something. If anything like that happens again, talk to me. I’m not mad at you for bailing on me, but I will be if you do it again.” His voice softens, and I feel the bond between us strengthen. I don’t have to look at Braydon and chide myself for how I quit my job at Artemis. He understands it.

When Braydon lets his hand drop from my mouth, I nearly lunge at him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. He laughs, returning my embrace. “Something you two need to tell me?”

I jump back at the sound of Xavier’s voice. Before I can fully retreat to my side of the couch, I look up and see that his remark has drawn Alyssa’s attention as well. I bury my face in my hands, hoping to hide how embarrassed I am by what both of them think they just saw.

“It’s about time,” Alyssa laughs, confirming that she is completely off-base. I dare to peek through my fingers to see Xavier glaring at his brother.

I can’t help but notice the subtle glances flying between Melanie and Braydon as they clear away the dishes after dinner
. I have no right to be upset, but walking into my own home and seeing the two of them cozy on
my
couch was almost enough to throw my brother out by the front of his shirt. But I couldn’t because that would have raised questions in Alyssa’s mind. Questions that are better left unanswered. In order to protect my wife from undue stress, and from feelings of betrayal because we’ve kept this from her for over three months, I’ve stayed silent. Alyssa reaches for my hand when I get up to ask Braydon what he thinks he’s doing.

“I need to talk to you,” she says, her eyes looking everywhere but in my direction.
I take a seat, sliding my chair closer to her. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that both she and Melanie have ducked any opportunity to talk about Alyssa’s appointment today. I close my eyes, steeling myself for what’s to come. “Before you say no, you need to hear me out. Can you promise me that?”

Now, I’m totally confused, but I suppose it could be worse. “Sure,” I say with a shrug.

“I went online this afternoon and booked a cruise for the family.” The doctors warned us that there might come a time when Alyssa experienced bouts of confusion, but this is ridiculous!

“What do you mean you booked a cruise?” I ask, trying very hard to stay calm. I am the idiot who told her I would
listen to what she had to say. Had I known it involved spending thousands of dollars on a trip we can’t possibly take, I might not have been so quick to agree.

“Do you remember how we always said we were going to take Jacob on a Disney cruise when he got older?” she asks softly. Tears fill her crystalline eyes as she regains her composure. We might be talking about cruises right now, but I know damn well that’s not what has her choked up. “If we don’t go now, I won’t be there when you take him. So, I booked it when we got home. We leave two weeks from today.”

“Alyssa, I love you, but there is no way we can make this trip. What happens if you get sicker?” I feel as if I’ve been punched in the stomach. And then kicked in the kidneys. I don’t want to tell her that we can’t do this because it’s something she’s been talking about since Jacob was two and developed an obsession for boats.

“They have medical facilities on board,” she informs me. I watch as my wife sits a bit straighter, pushing her shoulders back. “Melanie and I looked into it this afternoon. I will
need my passport in case I have to be evacuated, but those are all in the safe. It’s no different than if we were going on any other trip.”

“Melanie helped you plan this?” I look into the kitchen and see Braydon and Melanie sitting on the counter looking at something on his phone. I’ll deal with her later because if I call her in right now, I have no doubt she will team up with Alyssa and there will be no way of talking her out of this ludicrous idea. “Look, Alyssa, I know how much you’ve always wanted a Disney trip. And I know we said we would go when Jacob was older, but--”

“NO!” Alyssa bolts out of her chair, placing her hands on my shoulders. “You are
not
going to take this away from me. I’m dying, Xavier! Don’t you get that? I want to go on this trip because I’ll be lucky to be here two months from now. Every fucking day, I wake up wondering if it’s the day I start feeling worse. I. Don’t. Have. Time.”

In the five years I’ve known her, Alyssa has never gotten in my face the way she is now. There’s no way she’s going to let this go. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Al, but if Melanie walks me through everything I need to do for you while we’re gone and I know
exactly
what happens in different situations, we’ll go.”

“Why would Melanie go to all that trouble?” Satisfied that she’s getting her way, Alyssa sits back down, reaching for my hand.

“So I can take care of you,” I say, brushing my fingers along her cheek. “I can’t go into this trip unprepared. I don’t want to do it at all, but you’ll probably sneak off without me if I refuse.”

Alyssa bites back the smile threatening to split her face in half. “We booked a room big enough for all four of us. I know it’s supposed to be a family trip, but Mel is like family at this point. Plus, having her with
us will give you some peace of mind when it comes to keeping track of Jacob and me.”

I lean back in my chair as Alyssa tells me all about the four nights we’re going to spend between Florida and the Bahamas. By the time she’
s finished, it’s impossible to keep from getting excited. I’ll worry every second from the time we leave until the time we get home, but the smile on her face will be worth it.

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any weirder, it did. I’m not sure what I was expecting for our stateroom, but this surely wasn’t it. It’s day two of sharing a tiny room with my wife, four year-old son, and the woman I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And just in case that wasn’t enough to take the gold medal in the awkward moment Olympics, Alyssa is pushing for me to spend part of tomorrow with Melanie.

“This is supposed to be a family trip,” I remind Alyssa as I get Jacob ready for bed. With the exception of late last night and a few hours this afternoon, Melanie has been nowhere to be found. Since Alyssa has been careful to not over-exert herself, Melanie figured we would be fine without her. What she fails to realize is that
all
of us are becoming dependent on her presence, not just Alyssa.

“And it is, but I know you love to get out and sightsee and I’m not up for that. Plus, it will give me a bit of time with Jacob.” She sits on the edge of the bottom bunk, pulling one of his favorite bedtime stories out of the suitcase. These are things I worry about when she’s gone. If it was just us guys going on a trip, I never would have thought to bring books
or toys to keep him occupied on the flight down here. No matter how much Alyssa assures me I’ll be great at being a single parent, I have my doubts. And isn’t it completely screwed up that she’s the one talking me down from an emotional cliff?

“Okay, but how, exactly, is that taking time as a family? If you’re with him and I
’m off with your hospice nurse that seems to be the exact opposite of what this trip was supposed to be.”

“We had all day today and we’ll have from the time we get back on the boat tomorrow night until we get back to Miami. Please, let me have a little bit of mommy and son time with him.”
Alyssa’s sitting on the bed, her knees pulled tight to her chest. Seeing the way her t-shirt hangs off the sharp lines of her too-thin frame, it’s impossible to deny that she’s getting worse. I held her in my arms as we slept for the first time in months last night and I almost broke down in tears. Hopefully, tonight I will be able to enjoy a night with my wife without worrying that I will hurt her if I roll over in my sleep.

“Okay,” I whisper in her ear as I pull back the blankets. She lays down, rolling on her side to face me. “If that’s what you need, we’ll do our own thing tomorrow. But as soon as we’re back on the boat, no more splitting up. Deal?”

“Deal.” Alyssa scoots closer to me, resting in the crook of my arm. I turn out the light, wondering if either of us will wind up sleeping tonight.

With Alyssa and Jacob safely aboard a seventy-foot glass bottomed yacht, Melanie and I wind our way through the streets of Nassau. Like me, she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of spending the day with me, but for different reasons. After months of doing everything possible to avoid being alone with me at any time, she has essentially been left with no choice.

There are times I look at the world around me, wondering how it is that people can be so happy when there’s so much pain in the world. This morning, I’m feeling particularly gruff, wanting to scream at the people laughing as they walk down the streets of downtown Nassau. They’re able to act as if they don’t have a care in the world while my mind is still back at the yacht. Jacob has the benefit of childhood innocence. He was bouncing around, excited that he was going on another boat, this time to spend time with his mommy. He has no fucking clue that she begged and cried for this time alone with him, knowing it’s the last time she will have to create such memories.

No amount of psychobabble bullshit can change the fact that I wonder how the sun can be shining or a warm breeze can blow gently off the seas.
The bright orange blossoms on Poinciana trees dance in the wind, adding to the spectacular landscape. I don’t want sun and warmth and color. The weather back home is much more fitting of my mood, gray and sullen. There, Mother Nature seems to understand that there is no vibrancy in my life right now because I wake up every morning terrified that I will open Alyssa’s bedroom door and find that she’s slipped away from us in the night.

By the time we ascend the Queen’s Stairs that lead to Fort Fincastle, I’m willing to do just about anything to break the uncomfortable silence. The void between us is painful because I can still remember when
Melanie and I would talk for hours about everything and nothing, flowing seamlessly from one topic to another. Melanie wasn’t simply my lover, or my submissive for a time, she was my best friend. The person I talked to about everything. As we continue along the path, I look around, making sure that there isn’t, by some freak chance, anyone I know near us. My throat feels like I drank a cup of sand when we got off the ship this morning as I ready myself to dig deep and find that place where Melanie and I meant everything to one another.

“I’m freaking out here,” I mumble, staring straight ahead. They’re four simple words, but saying them out loud
lifts a hundred pound weight off my chest. Melanie keeps walking and I wonder if she heard me. I’m not sure I can say it again. She squints her eyes as she turns her head to me, shielding her gaze from the sun with her hand.

“That’s normal, Xavier. No one expects you to be strong all the time,” she assures me. I’m expecting her to keep talking, but instead, she looks ahead and keeps making her way to the ancient stone fort in silence.

“It’s my job to be the strong one. Am I supposed to rely on Alyssa to console me while I try to figure out how I’m supposed to raise Jacob without her? Maybe I can hold on tight to Jacob while I try to figure out what I’m going to do when I don’t have Alyssa to remind me to do the shit I constantly forget,” I grumble. There’s
no choice
but for me to put on a brave face, hiding the anguish behind a carefully constructed mask until late at night when I’m alone in my bedroom. Only after I know my wife and son are sleeping do I allow myself to crack.

I can’t take anymore of being surrounded by carefree tourists. I reach for Melanie’s hand, leading her off the stone path to a clearing where we can sit for a while and just be. She looks down at our joined hands, but doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to because the way she flinched at my touch spoke volumes. The only thing keeping her from jerking her hand away is the fact that she’s a compassionate woman who puts her own discomfort aside for the needs of others.

We find a place to sit in the grass, overlooking the crystal clear waters. While I attempt to reconcile where this woman fits in my life now, I watch her pluck blades of grass from the ground, rolling them between her fingers. That first day she showed up at my door, she was an even more beautiful version of the young woman I knew so long ago. Today, even the Bahamian sun reflecting off her skin can’t hide the exhaustion etched on her face. Fine lines that never existed before mar her features, the light in her espresso eyes is dimmed by worry. I used to wonder how it was that someone with such a tender, compassionate heart was able to get out of bed each morning and devote her life to those who were dying. While she is exactly the type of person any family in our situation should pray to have enter their lives, how does she not die a little each time a patient takes their last breath? Now that I’m paying attention, I see that it
is
hurting her to see what we’re going through.

“You’re going to be fine, Xavier,” she promises me, still staring at the grandiose resort in the distance. “It might not seem like it, but I know you well enough to know that you’re going to figure out how to get out of bed each day and be the best father you can be to Jacob.”

What would Melanie think if she knew that, until Alyssa was told there was nothing the doctors could do for her, I’ve been a hands-off father? I don’t know how I’m going to be there for him because I’ve had Alyssa to deal with his day-to-day needs for nearly five years. While she stayed home with him, I worked grueling hours, traveling nearly every week, and was content to be Jacob’s buddy when I was home. There have been times since November when Melanie or Alyssa have criticized me for being too tough on Jacob, but it’s the only way I can make him see that I can’t be his friend all the time anymore. I have to crack down and make sure he knows that when I tell him he needs to do something, it’s not appropriate to laugh at me, pulling out another game for us to play. Hell, the preschool we put him in just so he had friends to play with and Alyssa had a break a few days each week didn’t even know me the first time I picked him up at the end of the day. What kind of parent is that removed from his son’s life?

“That’s the whole problem. The best I know how to be isn’t enough. Hell, I still get nervous about bath time because I don’t want to burn him. He’ll go a week without me washing
his hair because I don’t know how to get past the battle over getting his hair wet.” The dam in my mind has broken and every insecurity I feel when it comes to my son floods from my mouth. Melanie pulls her legs to her body, turning her face to me as rests her head on her knees. She’s not disputing a single thing I have to say, not reassuring me that I will get through this, nothing. “And worst of all, how am I supposed to respond when he asks me where his mom is? How am I going to tell him that he will never see her again?”

My body heaves with the fear and grief I’ve held in for so long. Melanie’s lithe fingers sweep away the tears I didn’t realize were freely streaming down my cheeks. I allow myself to completely crumble when I feel her body move closer to mine, her arms encircling me with love. This embrace isn’t romantic or sexual
in nature, it’s pure compassion. Her comfort, her sweet assurances that I will be able to go on whispered into my ear make me feel worse than I thought possible. I don’t deserve her support after the way I treated her and yet she doesn’t hesitate to give it to me.

“We’ll work on that when we get home, okay?” The way she emphasized that
we
will do whatever she has in mind when we get home is a subtle reminder that I’m not as alone as I feel. The woman I accused on her first day of not being able to put our mutual past out of her mind in order to take care of my wife is quickly becoming my anchor. I was a narcissistic ass to think that she would still be angry with me years later and that she would allow that loathing to cloud the care and judgment she gave my wife. Instead, she has proven time and time again that this is her job, a job that she does damn well. Now, we’re to the point that I don’t know what will happen after Alyssa dies and I don’t have Melanie to turn to when I feel overwhelmed.

“Work on what?” I ask, seeing the gears turning in her mind. Is she going to sign me up for remedial parenting classes
or something? I wouldn’t doubt it given the number of failings I have listed off in the past five minutes.

“There are little things we can do to make it easier on Jacob after Alyssa is gone,” she promises me. “It’s never going to be easy, but I will help you and Alyssa prepare for his emotional future. And Xavier, you’ll never be alone when it comes to him, okay?”

She flashes a weak smile, squeezing my hand that is still resting in hers. There are so many more questions I would love to ask her, but I promised Alyssa that I would enjoy my day and not obsess about what is going on in our home or our lives. We have five hours left before we have to walk back to the dock and she’ll be pissed if she finds out I spent the entire day sitting at a scenic overlook, crying like a little bitch.