For Our Son: A BWWM Parenting Romance For Adults (16 page)

There was a few moments of silence before Ryan said, "At least it
wouldn’t be as bad this time as it was last time..."

"Yeah, we’re not in high school anymore,” Grace agreed.

"And I already have my own place." Ryan gestured to his
surroundings.

Grace remembered their hair-brained scheme of getting an apartment of
their own when they were still in high school. "How do you think we would
have done if we’d moved in together back then?" she asked him.

It was Ryan’s turn to shake his head. "I’m almost positive we
wouldn’t have made it. There wasn’t enough hours in the day for me to work
enough to pay the rent."

"Yeah, what were we thinking?" Grace laughed.

"We were thinking we were on our own…with a baby."

"Yeah…" Grace trailed off.

"What do you want to do if you are pregnant?"

"Don’t you mean if
we
are?"

Ryan shrugged. "Yeah, if we are."

"I haven’t really thought much about it. Have you?"

"No. But I’ll support you in whatever you decide to do."

Grace read between the lines of what Ryan was saying. He meant an
abortion.

Many things had changed over the years, but Grace’s politics and moral
character where abortion was concerned had not. There was no way she was going
to consider that.

"I’m not going to have an abortion, Ryan,” Grace said.

"Okay." Ryan nodded. "I said I’d support you in whatever
you decide. If you want to keep it, we’ll keep it, if you want to give it up
for adoption…" Ryan trailed off.

Grace recognized his uncomfortableness immediately. They’d already given
one child up for adoption. Did they really want to venture down that road
again?

"I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it." Grace
sighed. She picked up her plate and napkin and threw it into the trashcan. Ryan
followed suit before walking into the living room and flipping on the
television. Grace welcomed the diversion from reality.

Ryan and Grace sat side by side on the couch watching a movie with a
really bad plot, yet neither of them were paying enough attention to suggest changing
the channel.

Grace tried to concentrate on what was going on but she just couldn’t.
She looked over at Ryan to see how he was fairing, but he wasn’t watching the
TV at all – he was watching her.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I’m scared, Ryan,” Grace whispered.

Ryan held his arm out and Grace snuggled up under it. Grace’s eyes
teared up and she began to cry softly into Ryan’s chest.

"Whatever happens, it’s you and me, okay?" he said soothingly
as he ran his hand over her hair.

Grace leaned forward and covered her face with her hands. She was no
longer crying, but she wanted to block everything out…except for Ryan, who was
now rubbing her back in an effort to help her relax. Grace appreciated the
pillar he was trying to be for her. When she rested against him a second time, Ryan
leaned over and kissed her. He had been resisting the urge to do so ever since
the moment she’d walked into the apartment. However, now the moment seemed
right, and it was apparent that Grace agreed, because she was kissing him back.

The night was getting late and Grace hadn’t even given her parents a
heads up about her whereabouts. It was an issue of courtesy since she was
staying in their house. Reluctantly, she pulled away from Ryan and picked up
her purse. In doing so, the pregnancy test fell out. Ryan saw it.

"What’s that for?" Ryan asked. "Can you take that now or
do you have to wait until tomorrow?"

"I have a couple more. Usually you’re supposed to take it first
thing in the morning, but this one says you can take it any time." Grace
read from the box. "Should I…just to see?"

"Yeah." Ryan lead Grace to his small bathroom. She slipped
inside and closed the door.

Ryan paced the hallway as he waited for Grace to emerge. He heard the
click of the doorknob a lot sooner than he’d expected. When Grace exited, she
looked happy and very relieved.

"I got my period,” she told him.

Ryan let out a
whoop of joy. He never thought four words could bring him such joy. As Grace
watched Ryan’s joyful display, she made a silent oath with herself to never
forget this moment. She needed to learn from it so that she’d never be in this
position again.

Epilogue

"What the heck is in this box?" Ryan complained as he sat a
box down on the counter in Morgan and Grace’s apartment.

Morgan turned around and read the small writing on the side. "Those
are Grace’s books,” she said before turning her attention back to unpacking
dishes.

"Can I just leave them here?" Ryan asked hopefully.

"Books don’t go in the kitchen, Ryan." Morgan rolled her eyes.
"Put ‘em in Grace’s room. Not like you won’t be spending a lot of time in
there anyway."

Ryan shook his head and made his way down the hall. Although he and Grace
hadn’t exactly labeled their relationship, it was obvious that they had one.

Ryan put the box of books down on Grace’s bed. As he was walking out, he
turned and looked around her room. Although he had never seen most of the stuff
that was in there, it all looked familiar to him. That was the summation of his
life with Grace: even when she was gone, she was there.

Back in the kitchen, Ryan was looking for Grace. He hadn’t seen her in
about fifteen minutes. Morgan was still working earnestly in the kitchen.

"Have you seen Grace?" Ryan asked.

"She’s out back. I think she’s on the phone." Morgan pointed.

Ryan looked out the window, and sure enough, he saw Grace with her back
to the apartment ending a telephone call. She looked up as Ryan walked up to
her.

"That was Monica. She got the roses this morning. She said they were
beautiful. Great idea to send them, Ryan." Grace smiled.

"How’s Matthew?" Ryan shrugged off the compliment.

"Everything is going fine. He’s home now. They’re planning on
throwing a huge party for him this summer when his immune system is stronger.
She said we’re invited."

"Cool. I’ll have to remember to get the time off work." Ryan
leaned against the railing that framed Grace and Morgan’s terrace.

"So you’re going to go, then?" Grace asked.

"Yeah. Aren’t you?"

Grace shook her head. "No,” she said quietly. She sighed. Her eyes
stared at the scenery off in the distance. There was a park across the street
and a man was there playing Frisbee with his dog. "After the reality of
the adoption sank in…knowing my baby was gone, my mom told me that one day I’d
understand my decision and that I’d have peace with it. I told her she was
wrong. And she was for a long time. I just couldn’t see the best thing for my
baby…
our
baby…as being away from us." Grace turned and looked at Ryan
before continuing. "But that day we were in the hospital, before Matthew’s
surgery, when he called Monica ‘mom’…it broke and mended my heart at the same
time…Am I making any sense?"

"I don’t know…kinda." Ryan shrugged.

"I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know now, for me and for Matthew,
that the best thing I can do is to take my hands off everything. I’ve been
doing it physically. Now it’s time for me to do it emotionally. For eight years
I’ve sent two letters a month, I kept track of Matthew’s birthdays and all of
the milestones Monica told me about. It was like I was experiencing motherhood
through her. But then when I looked at him, so helpless in that hospital, so
scared, I realized that I would never be ‘Mom’ to him. The best thing I can do
is love him from afar." Grace smoothed down her hair as it flapped in the
wind. "So I told Monica thanks but no thanks on the party."

Ryan nodded but was silent. He acknowledged the same man across the
street in the park with the dog.

"I guess I’m the opposite,” he finally said. "I thought it was
best for me to act as if Matthew didn’t exist. He had a family and I wasn’t a
part of it. But when I saw him…when I saw myself…and you, in him, I felt
so…guilty. Such a beautiful boy and I wanted to act like he didn’t exist, just
to ease my own conscience." Ryan kicked at the concrete beneath his foot.
"Being at that hospital was like getting a second chance. I realized that
it wasn’t too late to be someone in Matthew’s life. Even if I’m just a guy in a
photograph…I never want him to have to look for me, Grace. I hope that one day,
when he’s old enough, he’ll just know that I'm his father because I was always
there in one way or another."

Grace laughed softly to herself.

"What’s so funny?" Ryan asked.

"Not really funny, just ironic…You’re coming out of the shadows and
I’m going into them. I guess you could say we’ve switched places."

"I wouldn’t say that." Ryan smirked.

Grace watched him closely. If she looked hard enough, he looked exactly
the same as he had when she’d first laid eyes on him in the fourth grade.

"I saw the recording,” Grace blurted out. "Your mom showed it
to me."

Ryan nodded. "I know."

"You
knew
?"

"Yeah. My mom can’t keep a secret to save her life. Even if it
might get her into trouble." Ryan laughed. "I just figured I wouldn’t
bring it up if you didn’t."

"And all this time I was so afraid that I was going to slip and say
something about it." Grace looked over to see Ryan smiling at her.
"Well now that it’s out in the open, can I correct you on something?"

"What’s that?" Ryan asked.

"I did love you, Ryan,” Grace said.

They both diverted their eyes. Grace’s admission had rendered the moment
awkward. For it wasn’t the past that they were most concerned about, it was the
present and the future. Was there one for them?

Inside, Morgan answered the door. She was excited to be getting her very
first visitor in her new apartment. Too bad Grace wasn’t around to share in
this "first". Morgan opened the door with a big smile on her face.
She was surprised to see Grace’s mother there.

"Mrs. Thompson?" Morgan seemed puzzled.

"Hi. I just thought I’d help out by bringing over this last box of
things that belonged to Grace. Is she around?" Grace’s mother asked.

"She’s around here somewhere,” Morgan said nervously. She glanced
over her shoulder towards the terrace. "I can go get her."

"No, no, that’s okay." Mrs. Thompson smiled. "So how have
you been?"

Morgan cringed at not being able to warn Grace that her mother was
there. After all, she had no idea how Grace’s mother would react to finding Ryan
there.

"I’ve been good." Morgan’s eyes darted around nervously.

"That’s good. I talked to your mother earlier this week. She said
you are really excited to be sharing an apartment with Grace."

"I am."

"Well I’m glad you two were able to make this work. You’ve been a
great friend for Grace."

"She’s been a great friend to me, too." Morgan could tell Mrs.
Thompson was trying to get to something. Morgan wished she’d just say it and
get it over with.

"That’s good." Mrs. Thompson shifted her weight from one foot
to the other. "I’m not really sure, but I think Grace has been dealing with…something…and
I would rest a lot easier if I knew she wasn’t going through it alone."