Fighting the Flames (7 page)

“The food is fantastic,” she said, swallowing the last of it and taking a sip of her fresh-squeezed orange juice.

“I knew you’d like it.”

“It’s not as good as your French toast, though.” She smiled and finished her juice.

“Oh yeah?” He raised a brow. “Maybe I can make them for you tomorrow morning.”

The way he said it, the tilt of his head, the inflection of his voice—she knew he was asking her to spend the night. It was a bad idea. Continuing to have sex with him was only going to complicate things more than they already were. She couldn’t let that happen. “We’ll see,” she said with a wink. It was a lighthearted, wimp induced response intended to appease him without causing an argument, but her mind was already made up: she was absolutely, positively, without a doubt
not
having sex with Ryan tonight.

*****

“Wow! That was incredible.” Jessie collapsed on top of him, her face buried in the crook of his neck, and fought to catch her breath. He’d managed to give her back-to-back-to-back orgasms. That had to be a new record. Her whole body was shaking, and she was sure she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.

“Yeah,” he panted. “Incredible.”

She laughed and nuzzled his neck. She’d never felt so content before, so at peace with the world and herself. Maybe she
could
be with him. Maybe they could have a relationship, a future together without her losing who she was as a person. For all she knew, maybe Ryan didn’t want a relationship. Maybe he just wanted casual sex. Damn, her clitoris was doing the thinking again.

Ryan ran his fingers up and down her back. “Mmm, that feels good,” she said. He continued to stroke her back and she yawned. “I’m going to fall asleep if you keep doing that.”

He chuckled. “I won’t object if you fall asleep like this.”

Jessie closed her eyes. The next thing she knew she was waking up to sunlight streaming through the crack in the curtains. She was lying on her back, a sheet covering her body. Stretching her arms above her head and extending her legs, she smiled. It had been ages since she’d slept through the night so deeply. She usually woke up with nightmares five or six times. She felt terrific! She caught sight of Ryan from the corner of her eye. He was lying beside her, head propped in his hand, smiling.

“Morning, beautiful,” he said, placing his hand on her stomach.

“Morning.” She rolled onto her side and faced him. “I fell asleep on you, didn’t I?” He nodded and grinned. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You know I love it when you fall asleep in my arms.”

She loved it, too, but she’d never tell him that. “What are we doing here, Ryan?” she blurted out before she had a chance to stop herself. Shit. She hadn’t meant to say that. At least, not like that.

“I believe it’s called cuddling.”

She laughed. “That’s not what I meant.”

Ryan put his hand on her lower back and pulled her close to him. “I know.” His soft lips pressed against hers, his tongue slipping into her mouth as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She couldn’t deny it. Everything with Ryan felt natural. “Do we have to define it? Can’t we just enjoy it? Enjoy each other?”

“You have no idea how much I wish we could, Ryan, but there are things I haven’t told you, things you need to know.”

“Uh-oh, this doesn’t sound good.” He moved away just enough to be able to look at her comfortably, but not far enough to put any real distance between them.

Despite their kiss moments ago, her lips felt drier than the Sahara. She licked them and took a shaky breath. “That summer at the beach, I was there because I’d found out Derrick had been cheating on me.”

“Wait, I thought you said you dated him within the last three years.”

She shook her head. “I wasn’t completely honest with you. I had been dating Derrick for five years before that summer. I caught him cheating on me, and that’s when I decided to get away. The day I left for my family’s beach house, Derrick showed up and begged me for another chance. He asked me to marry him.”

Ryan’s gaze hardened. “Are you telling me you were engaged that summer? That everything we shared was a lie?”

“No.” Jessie shook her head frantically. “No. I told Derrick I needed time to think about it, that I’d give him an answer when I returned. Derrick and I weren’t together when I met you. I swear.”

“But you were considering marrying him.” Ryan sat up, grabbed his jeans from the floor and pulled them on. “You spent every damn night with me for two months, Jess. Two whole months! And the entire time you were thinking about marrying another man.” He yanked his shirt over his head. “Unbelievable.”

“Ryan, please, I’m sorry.” Tears coursed down her face. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. She knew she shouldn’t have told him. Honesty sucked.

“Did you?” He stopped getting dressed, but he kept his back to her.

“Did I what?”

He turned to face her. His eyes were cold and hard, his mouth set in a firm line, arms crossed over his chest. “Did you marry him?”

Her lips trembled. “I left him the night before the wedding.”

Ryan laughed a short incredulous laugh. “You may not have married him, but you were going to, weren’t you?” He turned back around and gathered his socks from the floor. “I guess it’s good to know I’m not the only man you’ve run out on.”

“Oh no.” Jessie cupped her hand over her mouth. Tears fell freely down her cheeks. She was a horrible person. Ryan was going to walk out of her life and that’s exactly what she deserved. But she didn’t expect it to hurt so much. His voice was thick with so much anger and hurt. She didn’t blame him, but it was hard to hear. He sat on the edge of the bed. Jessie put her hand on his shoulder, fully expecting him to push her away. He sat motionless, head down, hands in his lap.

“I loved you, Jess. I wanted to spend my life with you.” He spoke so low, yet his words hit her like a Mack truck. “You broke my heart.”

“I’m so sorry, Ryan.” She kneeled behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against him.

Ryan twisted around and looked at her. “Why bother telling me any of this? Why now?”

“Because you deserve to know the truth. And because I’m trying really hard to put my life back together and learn to stand on my own, without the support of a man.”

“Without me, you mean?”

“Please try to understand. I don’t trust anyone, Ryan, especially men. I’m sorry. It’s nothing personal, it’s just...” She sighed, not wanting to think about her dad. “Derrick really messed me up.”

“I’m not Derrick.” He took her face into his hands. “You can trust me, Jess.”

“You say that now…” She felt like such a bitch. It wasn’t fair that Ryan had to pay for the crap that had happened in her past. But it paralyzed her with fear to let her guard down and trust. She just wasn’t ready yet. Maybe she’d never be.

Ryan lowered his mouth and kissed her softly, his tongue a whisper over hers, and then a demand. She moaned and laid back on the bed, bringing him down over her. She clung to him and kissed him deeply; desperate to get as much of him as she could, knowing it could be the last time. Jessie pawed and tugged at his shirt until it was off and once again in a heap on the floor. She touched every inch of him that she could get her hands on: shoulders, back, chest, stomach, waist.

“Oh Jess.” He pulled the blanket from her body and fondled her breast, his thumb rubbing over her nipple. “Trust me. All I want is to be with you.” He nipped at her bottom lip. “I can’t get enough of you. Please, baby.” His mouth crushed hers in a dominant, toe-curling kiss that had her fighting to catch her breath and gather her wits. “Please, Jess, say it. Say you’ll be with me.”

It took all of her courage plus more she didn’t know she had to let her hands fall from his body. “Ryan, please, stop.” He recoiled as if she’d slapped him. It was the first time she’d ever told him no to sex.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“We can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Ryan sat up and took several deep breaths. “You’re not ready.” He grabbed his shirt and put it on again.

“No. But I want to be friends, Ryan.”

“Friends?” He laughed. “You. Want. To. Be. Friends.” He punched the words out.

“Yes.”

He shook his head. “And to fuck with what I want, right?” He slipped his feet into his sneakers.

“Will you even try?” Her voice had taken on a high pitched whiny quality and she hated herself for it. The thought of not having Ryan in her life, even as a friend, was unbearable. She’d lived without him before. She didn’t think she’d survive it again. Yet, here she was, messing it up again. “Please?”

“Fuck you.” He left without another word.

Jessie buried her face in her pillow and sobbed. She’d succeeded in alienating Ryan and breaking his heart… again. What the hell was wrong with her?

Chapter 7

T
hree days later, Ryan was on duty at the station. He was thankful it had been a quiet day so he could hang out in the basement gym. He was in no mood to socialize. In fact, he couldn’t recall having a conversation with anyone for more than a minute or two since Jess had dropped the bomb on him. He beat the punching bag so hard his knuckles bled. She had left him three years earlier so she could marry another man. “Damn it!” He punched several times with his right hand and then his left. As if that wasn’t hard enough to swallow, she drops it on him that she just wants to be friends. Friends! “Fuck it.” He couldn’t be friends with her, not when he loved her like he did. How in the hell was he supposed to be around her and not touch her or kiss her? How in the world did she expect him to just hang out with her as if everything was okay? Things were far from okay. He hauled off and kicked the bag, waiting for it to swing back so he could wail on it again. The pain in his hands numbed the pain he felt in his heart.

“Whoa, take it easy man.” Shane said, hanging onto the bag. “You’ve been down here all day.”

“Need something, Shane?” Ryan flexed his fingers and winced. Fresh blood ran down the back of his hand. He went to the sink in the corner and ran it under cold water, wincing from the stinging pain.

“We’re ordering food. You want anything?”

“No.”

“Dude, what’s up with you?” Shane leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest. “You haven’t been this miserable since you took that whole summer off after Vikki—”

“Shut the fuck up!” Ryan pointed in Shane’s face. “I told you I never wanted to talk about that summer!”

Shane put his hands up in a show of surrender. “Whoa, okay, sorry man. Didn’t mean to piss you off.”

Ryan wrapped a towel around his right hand, which had borne the brunt of his anger, and shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.” He blew out a breath. “I’m gonna get out of here. Page me if there’s a call.”

“Yeah, sure. Hey, you wanna grab a beer later?”

Ryan considered it for a moment. He wasn’t thrilled at the idea of socializing, but it would get him out of the house and maybe get his mind off Jess. “McGillicuddy’s? Eight o’clock?”

“First round’s on me.” Shane said, attempting a smile.

*****

Ryan arrived home to find Jess outside, in her yard, camera in hand. The mere sight of her clutched at his heart; making him want to cry. Dammit. Ryan had only cried three times in his entire adult life. Once when he’d buried his parents; once when Vikki had pulled her shit; and then once when he’d woken to Jess’s note. All he wanted was get out of his truck, stride across the lawn, and take her into his arms. He wanted it with a desperation he’d never before experienced. Maybe he should be her friend. At least she’d be in his life, and he wouldn’t feel so damn empty all the time.

He sighed and got out of the truck. “Hey, Jess,” he said as he walked across the lawn toward her.

“Ryan.” She seemed genuinely surprised to see him. “Hi.”

“What are you doing?”
She’s taking pictures, you dipshit
.

“I’m taking pictures for my portfolio. I have an interview Monday for a part-time position with the local paper. It’s not great, but it’s a start.”

“No, Jess, that’s fantastic.” He knew how much she loved to take pictures, and he was really happy for her. “You should include that photo you took of the lake.”

“You think so?” She smiled.

Ryan smiled too, a real smile, the first since he’d walked out of Jess’s house. “Yeah, I do.”

“So, what brings you by?” She brushed the hair from her forehead with the back of her hand.

It never ceased to amaze him how beautiful she was. Every time he saw her, it was like the first time all over again. “Uh, there’s a flea market just outside of town. It runs every weekend through the summer. I was wondering if you wanted to go tomorrow, with me.”

Jessie put her hands on her hips. “I haven’t heard from you in three days. Now you want me to go to the flea market with you?”

“Yep.” He smiled again. “Look, Jess, I’m making an effort here. I’m trying to do the friend thing.”

“In that case, yes, I’d love to go.”

He really hadn’t expected her to say yes. Not to say he wasn’t happy, because he was, but he had no idea how he was going to spend an entire day with her and behave. “Good. We should get there early if we want to get any good deals.”

“How early is early? You know I’m not a morning person.”

Ryan chuckled. “I was thinking we could leave around seven.”

She rolled her eyes and then laughed. “Okay, I’ll be ready.”

Things seemed to be going well, so he decided to push his luck a little further. “Want to go grab some lunch?”

“I can’t.” She held up her camera. “I have to finish putting my portfolio together. How about a late dinner?”

He frowned. “I’m meeting some of the guys from the station for drinks.” The look on Jess’s face confused him. She looked disappointed, almost sad. It was her idea to just be friends. She couldn’t possibly be upset or angry that he made other plans. Talk about frustrating. “I can cancel,” he blurted out before cursing at himself under his breath. What a dick he was, groveling like some underfed puppy.

“No.” She shook her head. “It’s okay.” She smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”