Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook (17 page)

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Authors: F.L. Fowler

BOOK: Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook

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I pick up the fallen bird, and push the giblets bag back into her cavity. What a mess. But fuck, look at that skin. It’s perfect. Nearly as pink as the radish. Yes, I must confess, she is an alluring little piece. There might be something I could do with this bird. I imagine what the bite of my new oven would do to that skin—crisp it up beautifully, I suspect. Oh man.
Get a grip, Chef. You’ve got work to do.

I start prepping out some herbs, but the blush on that chicken keeps drawing my eye, almost as if it were pulsing. Nobody’s making great art with chicken, but it might be fun to play around. Which knife, I wonder? The santoku would certainly bring her to heel. But the vintage carbon-steel French chef’s knife would be more pleasurable. Or the steely discipline of the Wüsthof? That rack truly holds a knife for my every mood.

“Yes, quite a collection,” I say aloud. It suddenly occurs to me that this beautiful chicken is like a virgin block of marble, just waiting for a sculptor’s tools to elevate it above the everyday. This bird’s delicious,
glowing shade of pink seems to want to prove to me that a real artist, one with finesse, technique, and a good knife, could make a transcendent chicken.

“I couldn’t agree more,” I mumble to myself, impressed by my own idea. I count my knives to calm myself. “Fifty blades, to be precise. This kitchen is my domain. I need to have complete control when I prep.”

I realize I’ve been talking to myself, so I may as well talk to the chicken. I remember Julia used to do that on her show. My television babysitter as a child. I remember the constant smell of Tater Tots.
Fucking hell.

I don’t want to repeat the whole radish experience. Am I ready to take on a new Ingredient, something as humdrum as chicken? How do you finesse chicken? I groan inwardly at all the possibilities this presents. Well, getting there is going to be half the fun.

“It’s all about finesse, Miss Hen.”
Christ, I’m lecturing a fucking chicken.
“I have enormous respect for food. To derive deep satisfaction from the mundane: tournéing a radish, cutting a potato, portioning a syllabub. These form the foundation of what I do.”

A syllabub
? I might be losing my marbles. But the chicken draws me onward with her ravishing skin. Everything about this humble, exquisite bird points to how the ordinary can be raised to the extraordinary. Through the disheveled plastic I can make out the curve of her perfect breast.

And there you have it. I have to come up with fifty recipes by next month, I’m talking to a chicken, and I have a hard-on.

Taters, Baby

Rival Radish Salad

Beaten Chocolate Foam

Hot Bird Cocktail

Taters, Baby

crispy roasted potatoes with garlic and thyme

SERVES 4

Kosher salt

1½ pounds small Yukon Gold potatoes

6 garlic cloves, smashed but not peeled

3 tablespoons chicken fat, olive oil, or peanut oil

Freshly ground black pepper

6 thyme sprigs

1
Bring a pot of heavily salted water to a boil and cook the potatoes until just tender, 15 to 25 minutes depending upon how big they are. Drain and let cool.

2
Preheat the oven to 425°F. Use your hands to lightly smash the potatoes. Toss the potatoes and garlic with the chicken fat or oil and spread out on a rimmed baking sheet. Season with more salt and pepper and top with the thyme sprigs. Roast until golden brown all over, 35 to 45 minutes. Serve with chicken.

Rival Radish
Salad

radish salad with cucumbers, sesame, and ginger

SERVES 4

3 cups thinly sliced radishes (from 1 bunch)

2 tablespoons finely chopped chives

4 teaspoons sesame oil

2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice

1½ teaspoons grated ginger

¾ teaspoon kosher salt

3 Kirby cucumbers, thinly sliced

1 teaspoon soy sauce

1
Combine the radishes, chives, sesame oil, lemon juice, ginger, and salt in a small bowl and toss to combine. Let stand 5 minutes. In a separate bowl, toss the cucumbers and soy sauce.

2
Mound the radishes in the center of a large platter and place the cucumbers all around. Serve.

Beaten
Chocolate Foam

bittersweet chocolate sabayon

SERVES 2 TO 4

¼ cup sugar

⅓ cup ruby port

4 egg yolks

2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

Pinch of fine sea salt

Fresh raspberries, for serving

1
Bring a medium pot filled halfway with water to a simmer. In a heatproof bowl large enough to sit over (but not touch) the water, whisk together the sugar, port, egg yolks, cocoa, and salt.

2
Set the bowl over the simmering water and whisk constantly until the mixture is thick, foamy, and tripled in volume, about 5 minutes.

3
Fill serving dishes with berries and immediately spoon the sabayon over the top.

Hot Bird
Cocktail

bourbon with rosemary syrup and lemon

SERVES 1

2 ounces bourbon, preferably 100-proof, such as Wild Turkey or Fighting Cock

1 teaspoon Rosemary Simple Syrup (see box)

Splash of Old Speckled Hen ale

Twist of lemon

Rosemary sprig, for garnish

Stir the bourbon and syrup with ice. Strain into a chilled rocks glass and add a splash of ale. Rub the rim of a glass with a lemon twist. Garnish with the twist and a rosemary sprig, or, optionally, a clean roasted chicken bone.

ROSEMARY SIMPLE SYRUP

In a small saucepan, heat ½ cup of sugar with ½ cup water and 2 tablespoons of roughly chopped rosemary needles. Simmer for 5 minutes, until the syrup thickens and the sugar dissolves. Let cool. Store in the refrigerator.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

THANK YOU
to all the people who made this book possible.

First and foremost, many thanks to the Poultry Posse at Clarkson Potter: Doris Cooper, Erica Gelbard, Carly Gorga, Stephanie Huntwork, Pam Krauss, Donna Passannante, Jane Treuhaft, and Kate Tyler.

Thanks to the photography team responsible for the food porn—photographer and chicken wrangler John von Pamer and chicken stylist Michelli Knauer.

Thanks to Luke Guldan and Chris Roth for fab abs.

Finally, thank you to my understanding spouse, who claimed not to mind eating chicken every night for weeks, and put up with the endless “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes. (One answer: there was a racy cookbook on the other side.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FL FOWLER
is a pseudonym.

INDEX

Almond and Herb Pesto, Butterflied Roasted Chicken with,
photo
,
3.2

Apples and Cinnamon, Roasted Chicken Thighs with

Apricot Jam, Sage, and Lemon Zest, Baked Chicken with,
1.1
,
photo

Avocado

Hearts of Palm, and Orange Salsa, Roasted Chicken with,
3.1
,
photo

Jalepeño Chicken Wings with

Bacon

Maple-Glazed Wings with,
2.1
,
photo

and Sweet Paprika, Roasted Chicken with,
photo
,
1.2