Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook (13 page)
Read Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook Online
Authors: F.L. Fowler
“You are a daring and beautiful bird,” he continues. “I’m going to put this inside you now. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
He hoists me up over the bowl and lowers me slowly onto the upright prong. I gasp as its majestic length fills me, holding me tightly in position. The sensation is excruciating and exquisite. Am I really ready for this?
“This will be intense, because you’ll be unable to shift as I cook you.” He reaches down to bind my feet with a length of twine. I am utterly immobilized. Just before he delivers me to the tender mercies of the oven, I feel him scatter some objects at my feet. Stuck as I am, I can’t tell what they are.
“Taters, baby,” he says, with his uncanny way of reading my mind.
I hardly hear him as the oven heat takes possession of my flesh. I stiffen a little and my legs pull almost painfully against the twine, but I hardly notice. This is the most agonizing, exquisite feeling. My juices surge as flavor detonates up and down my body.
He pulls me off of the device, frees my ankles, and lays me gently on the bed of potatoes. My legs unbend a little and my juices flow over my golden, glowing skin.
That was, without a doubt, the most intensely juicy finish we’ve ever achieved together. Hmm, the upright roaster…
Note to self: explore the toy drawer more often.
SERVES 4
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
2¼ teaspoons coarse kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1½ pounds Yukon Gold or russet potatoes, cut into 1-inch dice
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 teaspoon ground cumin
½ teaspoon hot chili powder
¼ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1
Preheat the oven to 425°F. Massage the chicken all over, including the cavity, with 1½ teaspoons of the salt and the pepper. Rub a tablespoon of the oil all over the chicken’s skin.
2
Position the chicken’s nether parts over the vertical roaster’s erect member and thrust the bird down. Tuck her wing tips up behind her wings, behind her body. Tie her legs together with a piece of butcher’s twine or cooking bands (see Learning the Ropes). If the vertical roaster is too small to hold all the potatoes in the bottom, place the roaster and potatoes in a 9 × 13-inch baking pan.
3
In a bowl, toss together the potatoes, tomato paste, cumin, chili powder, nutmeg, the remaining 2 table-spoons oil, and the remaining ¾ teaspoon salt. Scatter the potatoes on the bottom of the pan around the chicken.
4
Roast for 30 minutes, then stir and baste the potatoes with some of the rendered chicken fat at the bottom of the pan. Continue to roast until the skin is golden and the thigh juices run clear when pricked with a knife, 10 to 20 minutes longer. The potatoes should be soft. Let the chicken rest for 10 minutes before serving.
LEARNING THE ROPES
Cooking bands, which look like colorful rubber bands, are reusable and can withstand the heat of your oven. Use them in place of twine to tie up your chicken’s legs if she’s in the mood to flash a little color or if you don’t want to use twine.
skillet-roasted chicken with golden onions and lemon
Chicken
Y
ou seem a little on edge.” he says.
On edge
?
Me
? I can’t help but squirm after the stretching he gave me last night with the upright roaster. My inner goddess is stuck in pigeon pose as she attempts a yoga routine.
“Let me relax you,” he continues in a low voice. “Take a deep breath, Chicken. Think of a waterfall.” He positions me on my back on a cutting mat, in a neutral position. He grasps one of his many blades and traces a gentle line, drawing the tip toward the apex of my thighs, down
there
. I feel vulnerable and eager as my legs loosen. His expert hands do the rest, coaxing my legs wider, wider, until they slacken and drop to the mat. I am indecently splayed, yet so blissed out I scarcely register his fingers sliding into me, until I feel a deep clenching where he’s inserted half a lemon.
Oooooh
.
“You look beautiful like this, Chicken. I must take a moment to enjoy the view.” The hunger in his voice makes my body hum with endorphins and a dark feeling I’m afraid to name. In my fading consciousness I see my inner goddess arching into something like a slutty upward-facing bow. Inner peace is clearly not what’s on her mind.
“Now—” he says quietly, “let’s kick it up a notch.” He fiddles with the stereo remote and abruptly cranks up some throbbing hip-hop, jolting me awake. With an oven mitt he pulls a hot, heavy skillet from the Wolf. Wow, I can feel its torridness as he brings it closer—it’s not just hot, it’s solar. “Drop It Like It’s Hot” thumps out of the kitchen speakers like a tendering mallet. But I’m still too limp to do anything but moan softly.
“Oh, Chicken, you’re so ready,” he yells over the noise.
He slips me into the oven and cooks me ardently and fast. Somehow, despite the conflagration around me, a tiny, unnoticed drop of calm expands inside me, filling me as relentlessly as the citrus did before. As the heat and thudding bass line crisp every inch of my outside, a juicy serenity swells within.
Holy shit … it’s intense … and deep … the music … my juices are building so quickly…
It’s as if all the toys and techniques we’ve ever used were only leading me step-by-step to this poultry nirvana. The crispiness and juiciness come together at exactly the same time, and every part of my body finishes in unison.
Ahhhhh
.
My inner goddess, languid and wet in corpse pose, wears a beatific smile.
Om shanti shanti shanti
.
SERVES 4
1 (4- to 4½-pound) whole chicken, patted dry with paper towels
2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 lemon, quartered
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced
1
Firmly rub the chicken inside and out with salt and pepper, paying special attention to the cavity. Let it rest uncovered at room temperature while the oven preheats.
2
Place a large cast-iron or other heavy ovenproof skillet in the oven and let it preheat at 450°F for 45 minutes.
3
Transfer the chicken to a cutting board. Using a sharp knife, cut the skin connecting her legs to the rest of the body. Use your hands to spread open the thighs until you feel the joint pop. Place 2 of the lemon wedges inside the chicken.
4
Carefully transfer the chicken, breast side up, to the hot skillet. (Use oven mitts whenever handling the pan.)Press down on the legs so they rest flat on the bottom of the pan. Drizzle the bird with the oil. Roast for 25 minutes. Toss the onion slices into the bottom of the skillet. Stir to coat with the pan juices. Roast for 10 more minutes; stir again. Continue cooking until the onions are tender and the chicken’s thigh juices run clear, 5 to 15 minutes more (for a total cooking time of 40 minutes to 1 hour).
5
Serve the chicken with the pan juices and onions, seasoning everything with juice from the remaining lemon wedges, if desired.
Fowl
W
hat I’m about to do to you will be very intense. I’m counting on you to guide me. What are the safewords, Chicken?”
“Golden,” I mumble, “if I’m approaching doneness.”
“And?” he prods, making his eyes hard.
“Black, if I’m in danger of drying out.”
“Good.” He flips on the Wolf and starts to rub my breast with salt and pepper. My skin comes alive as his hand travels down my sternum, down there. He slips two deft fingers inside me, tracing circles with tantalizing slowness. I flinch as he pushes something smooth and bulbous into me.
Oh my.
“Garlic cloves,” he breathes. “And herbs. They’ll make your finish more powerful.”
He lays me forward on a roasting rack, leaving my most vulnerable part exposed and throbbing, then thrusts me into the wild heat of the Wolf. The heat works me fast and hard, bringing me to the edge. My insides pulse and tense, but just as my juices start to flow freely, he lowers the heat.
Holy shit, he’s teasing me.
He pulls me out and I can hear the rip of the foil. He flips me roughly onto my back, jarring and thrilling every part of me. Then he covers me in a sheet of foil and turns his back.
How long is he going to make me wait?
Finally he comes back, a little smile quirked up on his lips, his breathing ragged.
“Do you have any idea how delicious you are?” he pants.
“Finish me,” I manage to gasp out in a low, heated voice.
He pushes me onto the rack and throws me back into the oven’s high heat. Deep inside me the cloves pulse and I clench around them involuntarily. My skin crisps as hot juices pound through my body.
Gah!
“Golden!” I scream, “Golden! Golden!”
SERVES 4
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt, plus more to taste
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
1 bunch of fresh tarragon, leaves chopped, stems reserved
5 smashed and peeled garlic cloves
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened, plus 2½ tablespoons cubed
1 large cut ripe tomato, diced into 1-inch cubes
½ cup low-sodium chicken broth or water
¼ cup dry white wine
2 tablespoons tarragon or white wine vinegar
1
Preheat the oven to 500°F. Massage the bird all over with salt and pepper, including inside the cavity. Stuff the chicken with the tarragon stems and garlic. Rub the chicken with 2 tablespoons of softened butter, sprinkle with 2 teaspoons of chopped tarragon, and season generously with more salt and pepper.
2
Lay the chicken breast side down on a rack in a flame-proof roasting pan, and roast for 20 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 325°F. Thrust a wooden spoon into the cavity of the bird and flip it over so it’s breast side up. Continue to cook for another 25 minutes. Transfer the chicken to a plate, cover loosely with foil, and set aside. Turn the oven back up to 500°F.
3
Take the roasting rack out of the pan and set it aside. Place the roasting pan on top of the stove over medium-high heat. Add the tomatoes, chicken broth or water, wine, tarragon vinegar, and 2 tablespoons of the chopped tarragon; bring to a boil. Use a wooden spoon to scrape the bottom and sides of the pan, loosening the caramelized juices. Let boil until the mixture is thickened and saucy, 5 to 8 minutes.
4
Whisk the remaining 2½ tablespoons of butter into the sauce. Place the roasting rack back in the pan and put the chicken back on the rack, breast side up. Pour any juices that have collected on the plate into the pan. Return the pan to the oven for 10 to 15 minutes, basting every 5 minutes, until the thigh juices run clear. Serve the chicken blanketed with the sauce and garnished with more of the tarragon.
Chicken
I
’m sitting with the formerly enormous ham next to the Wolf. She takes in the stainless surfaces and the thick hobs.
“And to think he can work this thing.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“That’s kinda hot.”
“Yeah, I think so.”
We laugh giddily together.
It’s so long since we really had a chance to catch up. I’d forgotten how much I love to hang out with her. Shifty’s brother has had a slimming effect on her figure, with his constant appetite. But before I can chide her about the profusion of nibble marks on her backside, she zeroes in on my ankles.
