Family Ties (Hidden Secrets) (2 page)

“
I can’t.  As it is, I barely see my family anymore.  To be this close and off for two more weeks, I need my family time.”

“
I need you Mare,” he whispered, looking at me sadly.

“
Nate, you need to get back to your life.  And I need to get back to mine.”

“
You don’t have to go,” he says, pushing his spoon in the bowl of cereal with enough force to cause some of the milk to spill out.

“
Thank you for breakfast. You are my best friend.” I kiss his cheek, walk upstairs and grab the clothes I had Nate buy for me.  Then I said goodbye. He seemed sad standing there on his porch watching me pull out of his driveway. I don’t know what has gotten into him.  He has never been like this with me.

I turned down the road and make the twenty minute drive to my parents
’ house.  My excitement was building the closer I got to my childhood home. I couldn’t wait to spend the next two weeks with them. Two weeks of nothing but my family…

** *** *** **

The time with my family went by so much faster than I wanted it to.  Before I knew it, I only had a week left before I had to go back to the nightmare that was my life. I loved my life as a singer songwriter, but it was outside of that that I hated everything.  The only time I found peace was when I came home. This trip was a much needed break. I have enjoyed every minute of it.

My first stop was my parents, who as always, were tickled to see me.  We had a nice quiet dinner together while I discussed my tour and the new video I will be shooting.  They have always enjoyed my singing and had encouraged me young to harness it.  When I
’m singing there is nothing else around me that exists. It turns into my escape, but lately the fun and relaxation of that has been taken from me.  That saddened me to my core.  I felt like something was being taken from my very soul.

“
What are you going to do after singing?  What would you like to do?”

“
Mom you ask me this every time I visit.”

“
And you’ve yet to tell me what it is you want to do.  You won’t be able to perform and tour and all that like you’re doing now.  Especially if you want a family someday, you will need something that you can be home with your children.”

I thought about it for a minute and there was really only one other thing that I wanted just as much as singing and had already started looking into it.  Could I dare speak about it? Or will they think it
’s a stupid idea?

“
Well, there is one thing that I have wanted to do for a while and have actually been looking into it.  I’ve been fascinated by it since I was little,” I whispered.

“
What dear?”

“
I would love to run my own ranch,” I said nervously.

“
You always did love that stuff.  Never one to shy away from the work.  That is a great idea.  Do you have a plan set forth? A…”

“
Hold on dad. It’s just a thought right now. I have been thinking about it a bit more seriously lately.  Don’t get me wrong, I love singing and writing songs, but I don’t know… Something is just missing and my heart is telling me my own ranch would be what would fill the void.  I mean I can still write and perform just not as hardcore as I’m doing now.  You know?” I blurted out without taking a breath.

My mom smiled at me. “You sound like you have put a lot of thought into it.  Have you considered temping at a ranch to learn the ropes and make sure it is what you want before putting all the money and time into one of your own to find out you
don’t like it?”

“
That’s actually a good idea.  I’ll have to see what I can do on my next break.  Thank you for not thinking it is a stupid idea.”

“
No, baby.  As long as you follow your heart and are happy then we are happy for you.  You know that.”

I nodded my head.  We finished our supper and I went to bed with a lighter heart for the first time in years.  Maybe, just maybe, I might find happiness after all.

The next day I had spent over at Colleen and Carson’s obsessing over her belly.  My first niece or nephew, it was amazing.  It had me thinking about how much I wanted a family someday.  A husband that I adored and adored me in return, a place of our own… days filled with love and children’s laughter and nights filled with romance and passion. Yeah, that was what I wanted.

“
So you guys ever going to tell us what you’re having?”

Carson smiled at
Colleen, it was a smile that made me jealous of them.  I wanted that man that would see only me in the room as if nothing else existed.  A man that couldn’t help but touch me, kiss me, or hold me.  As Carson ran his hand over Colleen’s stomach, I felt the pain in my chest.  I wasn’t going to have that.  The thought made me frown and look down at my lap.

“
Hey.” I looked up shocked to find Carson in front of me holding my hands. “What’s wrong?”

I just shook my head, but he
wouldn’t take that as an answer.  Carson and I always talked, but I just didn’t want to be pitied.  I hated being pitied. It was like sticking a knife in my heart and turning it.  God, but did I ever want a family.  Many would say that at age of twenty-four, I should be enjoying life.  But that is the way I would enjoy life, in the arms of the man I loved more than anything watching our children grow.

How could I ever have that?  Men saw me as sex on legs and then there was the Kyle factor.  There was never going to be a man that wants me for me. There would never be a man to look past my celebrity status and see the woman that just so badly wanted to be loved.  Carson
’s hand ran across my cheek.

“
Hey, there’s something wrong Mars.  You never cry… ever.  You can talk to me.  I’m always here for you,” he said with such tenderness I felt the tears slip a little faster.

I looked between Carson and Colleen and suddenly the pain from what I knew I could never have
became overwhelming. 

“
I want a family.  I want love.  I want a happily ever after, but I will never get that. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy out there that doesn’t look at me as Mary ‘Songbird’ Williams?”

“
Hun, he is out there.  What about Nate?  I think he really likes
you
, Mars.”

“
He does ask about you a lot,” Colleen chimes in.

“
He doesn’t like
me,
like you think.  I’ve been in… Do you know what he said to me the first time I slept with him?”  I saw the anger in Carson’s eyes flare. “He said ‘I can’t believe my dick is going to be inside Mary fucking Williams. The guys are going to shit.’ Now tell me again that he likes
me
, Carson.” I hissed.

“
Why would you sleep with him if he said that, Mare?  What have you been in?” He asked in a raised voice.

“
Because I watched Kayla in a state that I never want to ever see her in again.  I was shaken and scared and I just wanted to forget what I saw.  You didn’t see her Carson. She was…” my voice trailed off and tears started falling again.

Carson wrapped me in his arms and tried to calm me down. The buzzer from the gate filled the strained silence that now settled over the room.  Colleen went and answered the intercom while Carson continued to try to calm me.  The tears
wouldn’t stop.

“
You should have seen her.  Carson she was so…” I cried harder into his chest.

“
She’s okay now, Mars.  Kayla is able to be herself
finally
and she doesn’t have to look over her shoulder anymore.  You will find yours, Mars.  I found mine when I least expected it.  You will too.  I promise, Mars. I promise.” He whispered in my ear.

Suddenly Nate comes running into the room directly towards me, “What
’s wrong?” He says, pulling me out of Carson’s arms and into his.

Without hesitation, I punched him in the face. “SHIT! What the hell was that for?” He groaned and stumbled backwards.

“Angel, you need to lie down.  Let’s give them some privacy.  I’ll put you to bed,” he winks.

Colleen giggles and they left the room.

Nate looked at me.  “What’s going on Mare?”

“
You! You are what’s going on!”

“
Me what?” He said, irritated.

I go into a big rant about my goals and dreams and how I
’m never going to get that when suddenly Nate grabs me and kisses me on the lips.  He holds me to him with his hand tangled in my hair and the other wrapped around my waist.  For a moment, I just enjoyed the kiss.  For a moment, I let myself believe that he was different.  But when he growled how much he needed me while pushing his hips into me, I knew I had to stop it. Breaking away from the kiss, I tried to push away, but Nate held me firmly.

“
All this is,” I say, gesturing between us. “Nate, is physical.  I need emotional too.”

“
Mare, I can’t stop thinking about you. The…”

“
Have you slept with other women since we were together?”

“
Yeah,” he looks at me confused.

“
Then that is your answer.  It’s physical.  I won’t deny its smoldering, but that is all it is Nate… sex.  If you were in love with
me
there would have been no other girls.  It’s the idea of who I am and the knowledge that we did have awesome sex.  We both deserve happiness and love Nate.  But we’re just not that for each other.  I love you, but not in the right way.  You are my best friend.”

“
I think you’re wrong.  Each woman was nothing compared to you.  You’ll see,” he said adamantly.

“
Nate… there’s no spark.  There’s no looking at each other and becoming the only two in the room no matter how many people are present.  Please don’t let this ruin our friendship.  You’re the only true friend I have had… ever. I couldn’t lose that.”

“
I’ll always be here for you Mare.  Nothing will change that,” he says softly running his hand down my cheek.

“
Thank you Nate.”

Leaning down slowly, he whispered while staring at my lips, “You will see Mare, we were meant for each other.  You are all I think about. I yearn for you, like I have no one else.  You will see Mare,” he leaned in closer and his lips brushing mine. I am frozen, caught in his eyes. I just
couldn’t break away.  He continued almost in a whisper, “you are mine and I am yours.”

With that, he took my mouth in a fierce possession.  He has never kissed me this
way, in all the times we were together. His hands tangled in my hair pulling me closer to him and further into his kiss. I wish I could believe him.  Believe that he was meant for me, but the consuming feeling that my brother and sister talked about just wasn’t there.  Disappearing and forgetting where I was just wasn’t there.

I brought my hands up and pressed on his chest.  It took a second push to get him to break the kiss.  Backing up, I watched as he stared at me with pure lust in his eyes. He started to walk
toward me, but I put my hands up.

“
Nate, I’m not denying the lust between us. But that is all this is.  We have a great friendship that most people don’t have after sleeping with each other.  Most are awkward and what not, but we haven’t been…please don’t cost me my only friend by making it that way.”

He stood still just staring at me.  For a moment, I thought he
wasn’t going to say anything. Finally, he let out a long sigh and dropped his head for a moment. He looked back up at me with a look I couldn’t describe.

“
I don’t know that I can, but I will try for you. It won’t be easy Mare, but I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you there at all. I will try.” He ends in a whisper.

I nod my head and release the breath I
didn’t realize I was holding. After I collect myself, I call out to Carson that I was leaving, but I had a feeling he didn’t even remember I was there judging by the sounds I could hear. 
One day I hope to have that.
  Not the sex, but the need to be with someone at any time.  The pull to express the love you feel in an act that meant something more than release.

Shaking my head, I made my way out to my car with Nate following behind me. I said another goodbye to him and made my way to the clinic.  Kayla worked just as much as before, but she also went outside the office more.  It was so good to see her act normal again.  When I arrived at the clinic, I realized how busy she was and
didn’t stay long. 

“
Hey, I’m going to get ready to head off, but I wanted to ask when the wedding is going to be?”

“
Oh yeah, we are just going to do a small wedding in a month or so.  Neither of us wants anything big or fancy. Will you be able to be there?”

My face dropped. “I-I don
’t know,” I said sadly.