False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (40 page)

My
instinct was again to call Cade at once, but he would be so angry at me for
opening the box, that I decided not to tell him yet. Using all my strength, I
pushed it into the house, where I removed it all and counted it. It totaled
nearly five million dollars, and I was dumb struck. Not knowing what to do, I
drug it down the hall and hid it away in the closet until I had time to think
through my options. It was enough money to secure a safe future for Cayden. We
could leave the country if we wanted too. I might actually be able to find a
safe haven somewhere for us, and I could take care of my mother for the rest of
her life. Of course, there was the question of the IRS. I couldn’t exactly
claim the money, but if I didn’t, I could end up in federal prison for tax
evasion. It was too overwhelming to consider; I shut the closet door and
decided not to do anything for the time being.

By
the end of the week, I was obsessing on the box in the closet. My mother had
not returned and was still dealing with her house troubles. Lucas called every
day as usual, and I wanted to tell him about the money, but was too afraid. My
feelings about it turned into paranoia, and I started to worry that someone
would take Cayden for ransom if they knew I had it. My isolation was feeding
into irrational fears and every noise sent me running for a gun. Lucas wanted to
come on the weekend to see me again, but I put him off, not trusting anyone
with this huge secret.  I feared if he came, I would end up telling him,
wanting to free myself from the burden of it. I’d seen firsthand what money and
greed could drive people to do, and I’d also learned that a law enforcement
shield meant nothing in terms of scruples and morality.

Cade
finally called that Sunday, and I was relieved to hear his voice. We were so
far apart, in every sense, it surprised me that he could still sense something
was bothering me. “What is it, Ellia? I can tell something’s wrong,” he said.

“Nothing,
I just miss you. Can you come home soon?” I felt the tears in my eyes, but
tried to hide the desperate emotion that threatened to spill over into the
receiver.

“Not
yet, but hopefully soon. We’ve had some great leads that have gotten us close,
but your dad is always a step ahead of us. I miss you, too, and Cayden. Has he
grown much?” he asked, his voice sounding so sad, it put my water filled eyes to
capacity and the tears fell down my cheeks.

“A
little I guess. He is doing great, very healthy, and content,” I said, not
knowing what else to say to him. “He is fussing right now, though, so I should
probably go.” I was lying, but I wanted to get off the phone. As much as I
loved him and wanted to hear his voice, the money in the closet felt like an unbearable
weight, and I couldn’t risk telling him.

“Oh,”
he said, sounding hurt that I was the one rushing him off the phone for once.
“I will try to call again soon, then. Are you sure you are okay?”

“I’m
great,” I said trying not to sound sarcastic “I love you and will talk to
you--whenever.” I hung up before my lips leaked any of the information that sat
perched, ready to spill.

Another
week came and went much as the previous one had. Cade had not called back, and
I avoided Lucas’ calls. My mother initially planned to return the following
week, but since they had to do a lot of repair work on the home, she’d decided
to stay there and oversee a complete remodel. It was going to take some time.
“I will gladly come back if you and the baby need me,” she told me, “but you
seem to be doing fine without me.”

“We
are fine, and I am enjoying this bonding time with Cayden. Just stay home and
take care of the house. All is good here,” I lied.  I didn’t want my mom to
come back either, afraid of the secret in the closet. The more people who knew
about the money, the more dangerous it could be for all of us. Lucas was harder
to get rid of when he insisted he was coming. I was barely talking to him
anymore, and he assumed it was over the dreadful kiss.

“Ellia,
just let me come up there. I don’t know how many ways a person can say they are
sorry. I just want to make sure you are okay, and that’s hard to do over the
phone,” he said.

“It’s
not about the kiss or anything like that, Lucas. I am just enjoying this quiet
time with my son and don’t feel like having visitors. I thank you for your
caring and concern, but this isn’t about you. Just relax, and we will get
together again some other time,” I said sweetly to him, trying to hide the
angst from my voice. He finally agreed to give me some space.

 It
was a late Friday night, after another full week had past, and I was sleeping
when I heard the front door. I grabbed the gun I now slept with and ran down
the hallway. There was no doubt someone was in the house this time, and they apparently
knew the code. I went around the corner with the hammer on my loaded pistol
cocked, hands outstretched in a shooting stance. I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot
if I needed to defend my son. Cade startled when he saw me. “Jesus Ellia, what
are you doing?” Realizing who it was, I lowered the weapon and released the
hammer before setting it down on the counter.

“I
didn’t realize it was you,” I said casually, not wanting him to see my fear.

“I
didn’t mean to frighten you. I guess I should’ve called to tell you I was
coming.” He searched my eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you so jumpy? Did
something happen to scare you?”

“No,
nothing at all has happened.” I bit my lip to keep the truth locked inside my
mouth. We stood looking at each other in awkward silence, the tension hung
heavy in the room. This was not the normal homecoming that would’ve had me in
his arms at once.

“Are
we okay?” he asked, seeming nervous as he rubbed his jaw.

“I
don’t know,” I replied, because it was true. He felt like a stranger again. I
backed further away from him. “Why are you back? Is there news?”

“We
caught him, Ellia, him and Marisha. They are both in custody.” He sighed with
relief. “It’s over, this shit is finally all over, and I’m home for good.” He closed
the space between us and hugged me so tight, I couldn’t breathe. “Please tell
me we are okay.”

“Do
you still love me? Even after everything my father has done to you?” I asked,
looking up at him, my arms still at my sides.

“Of
course I still love you,” he whispered. “How could you even ask me that?”

“It’s
hard to tell anymore. Actions tell the tale so much clearer than words. I feel
so … disconnected from you right now.” I stepped from his embrace and crossed
my arms.

He
shoved his hands in pockets and leaned against the counter. His face remained
blank and I couldn’t tell how my honesty affected him. “I guess I thought you
understood my absence. It was for us, our family. Don’t you know I hated being
away from you and Cayden?  Maybe I should’ve called more often, but it was hard
talking to you, knowing I was missing so much. My only choice was to focus on
what I was doing so I could get home to you.”

“It
was never your only choice, Cade.”

He
exhaled deeply. “For me, it was the only choice, El. Putting your dad in prison
ensures your safety, and Cayden’s.  I should’ve been here to help you deal with
what happened in that warehouse, but it was the circumstances that kept me
away, not because I didn’t want to be here. Does that make any sense to you?”

“As
I’ve said, I understand, and I dealt with everything fine without you, as
usual. I guess the sight of death doesn’t really bother me anymore--maybe I’ve
become just like you.”

He
stood there motionless, not responding, so I forged ahead with my pent up
feelings. “It’s not that I am angry with you, per se, because I surpassed that
emotion a while back, but I don’t know where we stand right now. Of course I
still love you, but a wall stands between us, and it’s safer to love you from
this side of it. It keeps me from being a basket case every time you leave.”

“I’m
not leaving you again. We both knew this would loom over our heads until your
dad was in custody. Jesus, El, I spent the last ten years of my life waiting
for this moment, and I’ve wanted it even more since that bastard hurt you. We
have Cayden to consider in this now as well.  God, all this time I thought I
had your support.” He ran his hands through his hair and regarded me with
pleading eyes.

“You
did what you thought you had to, I get it, and I didn’t put this capsule around
my heart on purpose; it formed there on its own. What do you want me to say?
Choices have consequences, Cade, it’s as simple as that.”

“So
are you saying it’s over for us? Do you want me to leave?” Tears filled his eyes,
and I felt guilty for being honest.

I
took his hand. “No. I never wanted you to leave in the first place. Like I said,
I still love you. I’m just trying to figure out how to love you in a way that
doesn’t destroy me again.”

He
pulled me into his arms and crushed my lips with his, Stopping for a breath he said,
“If I lost you, it was all for nothing.”

“You
didn’t lose me,” I whispered as he kissed me again. As always, his touch
overpowered my mind, and I wanted him, right then, despite our unresolved
problems. But that awful money came to my mind as his tongue trailed my neck
and ran along my T-shirt seam, shutting down the lust. He needed to know.

“Wait,”
I said, giving him a soft push away from me. “I have to tell you something.”

He
halted and stared at me. “Did something happen with Lucas? Did you sleep with
him?” Anger flashed across his features as he backed away from me like I’d
become toxic.

“No—God
no.” I wasn’t about to disclose the stupid unrequited kiss. “Why would you ask
that?”

“He
spent a lot of time up here with you. Did you think I didn’t know that? And
now, the way you are acting towards me, I guess it all adds up, doesn’t it?”

“What’s
going on with us has nothing to do with Lucas, so stop blaming him and look at
yourself for once. He is a platonic friend, and that is all. Do you want me to
tell you what I was going to say, or do you prefer to keep accusing me?”

He
waved his hand, inviting me to carry on with my admission. “You asked me if
anything happened that made me scared.” I noted the furrow in his worried brow.
“I received a package in the mail from Marisha. The letter stated the gift in
the box was what should have been to be in the trunk of that Lexus. She didn’t
seem to know about the bomb until after the fact.”

“Where
is it? Tell me you didn’t open it, Ellia,” he said, concern joining anger in
his features.

“I
did open it, and it was full of money. There was five million dollars inside it.”

“Why
in the hell would you open it? What if it had been another explosive? How could
you be so fucking stupid after everything that’s happened? You could have died
and killed our son in the process. Jesus Christ, Ellia, are you still fucked in
the head or what?” he yelled so loud, I was almost afraid, but I would not back
down to him.

“Stop
yelling at me! This is exactly why I didn’t tell you about it in the first
place. I knew you would react like a maniac.  Marisha was not out to hurt any
of us that was all on my dad. You said yourself, my father targeted you, not Cayden
or I, and they had to have known you left me alone again, to go chasing after
them. I was careful with the package and would never put Cayden’s life at risk.
Don’t call me stupid or crazy ever again, Cade. I am sick to death of you
questioning my faculties.” The constant reference to my mental health from
everyone around me, infuriated me.  It was a low blow, and I was done taking
any crap from him.

“What
if the box had not actually been from Marisha at all?  Did you even consider
that? I don’t know what precautions you think you took, but last I knew, you
aren’t trained in bomb detection. You could have blown up, not only yourself
and our son, but half this fucking neighborhood. I cannot understand how you
could be so goddamn naïve. Have you learned nothing from all of this shit? Do
you not comprehend that your father is insane? There is no rhyme or reason to most
of the fucked up things he has done. Something snapped in his brain when he was
under Lischka’s screws. Even Marisha was trying to get away from him. She
feared for her own life and the lives of her sons because his paranoia was out
of control. What the fuck is wrong with you? I obviously should not have left
you alone because you are not capable of making rational decisions. At the very
least, I should’ve had a man on the house. Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his fist
down on the counter.

I
couldn’t argue the logic, but I was beyond furious with him for making me feel small
and stupid. “I refuse to stand here and fight with you all night. It’s two in
the morning, and I am going to bed. You can sleep on the couch, or in the spare
room, or back at FBI headquarters for all I care.” I headed down the hallway,
so mad I could punch something. He didn’t follow me so I shut the door and
crawled back into bed. I cried myself to sleep, like so many other nights of my
life.

The
next morning, I woke to find Cade asleep on the couch, a whiskey bottle on the
coffee table. He had drank little of it, but the fact he slept out there, made
me angry all over again. A part of me thought he’d chase after me, full of
apologies, and we’d make up like we always did, tangled in the sheets. As I slammed
the coffee supplies around, Cayden fussed, even though I had just fed and changed
him.  I reached over to get him from his carrier, but Cade got up off the couch.

“I’ll
take him,” he said, and I watched him tenderly take the baby to the living
room. He sat in the rocker and cuddled his son. The sight of them together, the
two greatest loves of my life, diffused my anger. He had left me to protect us,
not hurt me, and I needed to remember that. I finished with the coffee and took
a steamy mug over to him, setting it on the end table for him.

“Thanks,”
he said, looking carefully at me, to gauge my mood. “I’m sorry about last
night. What you did with that package scared the hell out of me, but I
shouldn’t have attacked you like that. That’s not how I hoped things would go
when I got home.”

“I’m
sorry, too. You were right, I shouldn’t have opened it. I guess a part of me
still wants to believe my father wouldn’t deliberately hurt me. I was foolish,
and it was dangerous. This money has been haunting me ever since I opened that
damn box. Marisha said it came from her personal account, the product of an
inheritance, but who knows. I thought about taking the money and Cayden and
just disappearing--maybe even leaving the country. At least he’d be safe.”

He
stared at me with pain in his eyes. “You thought about leaving me?”

“You
had already left me, Cade. As much as I love you, I would sacrifice our
relationship for my son’s safety. I guess I am no different than you, in that
regard.” I got up and went back to the kitchen, intending to make him
breakfast.

He
put Cayden down and followed me. “I tried my best to protect you, Ellia, and I
couldn’t do it. It’s a guilt I will carry for the rest of my life. I hoped
putting your dad away this time, might make amends for my failure. I didn’t
realize what effect it would have on our relationship, though.”

“I’ve
told you a million times, I don’t blame you for what happened to me, but I
won’t lie and say your choices didn’t change things. I’ve gotten pretty used to
being a single mom, and I know I could continue if it meant protecting Cayden.
As you can see, though, I didn’t leave. We were still here waiting for you as
always.”

He
set his cup on the counter and stared at the floor. Tears welled in his eyes
again. “What’s it going to take, El? What can I do to make you love me again?
When I was younger, all I wanted was for this to be over so I could have my
life back. After you and I reconnected, all I wanted was a life with you. I
never dreamed it would be the very thing that tore us apart in the end.”

His
tears chipped at the wall, and I had a choice, patch it, or jump back over and completely
give myself to him again. This man was all I had ever wanted in my entire life,
and now we shared a child. We finally had a chance to be together--to be a
family. I wouldn’t let it slip away, no matter how much safer my heart would be
if I did.  My arms slipped around his neck, and I kissed him. “I don’t want it
to tear us apart, either.” My hands traveled up the back of his shirt while I
brushed my lips over the hollow place on his throat. I hoped to rewire us in the
way we always connected best. “Put Cayden in his room and meet me in ours.”

It
was the first time since Cayden’s birth we had made love. Cade was tender and
gentle, worrying our usual escapades might hurt me, but I needed him, like I always
needed him, with desperate abandonment, and before long we were going at it
hard, ending up on the floor as we came together.  Cade pulled the sheet down
us as we lay in post coital bliss on the carpet.

“What
should we do with the money?” I asked, staring at the closet, knowing the beast
was in there.

Cade
thought about it for a few minutes. “I guess that is really your decision, Ellia.
It’s your money. Legally, it should be turned into the FBI, but if you need it
for peace of mind, I won’t take that from you.”

“What
happens to it if I turn it in to them?”

“If
it’s not traceable to any crimes, it would be returned to you. You would have to
claim it on your taxes, but the rest would be yours to keep. I won’t force you
to do anything, and I’ll stand by whatever decision you make.”

“I
worry if someone else knows I have it, we might be targets again. I can’t trust
the FBI, I can’t trust anyone. That’s why I’ve kept it a secret—from my mom,
Lucas, and even you. I wish she had never sent it. The pressure of this cash is
tearing me up inside, and I don’t know what to do.” I stood up and paced. “What
if my father or Marisha decide they need it back? What if they send someone for
it, and I don’t have it? It’s all I can think about night and day.” Exasperation
filled me as I raked through my matted hair, looking as crazy as he’d accused
me of being.