False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (30 page)

“I
have to tell you something,” I replied. He looked worried as he fidgeted with
the edge of my blanket, not meeting my eyes. “When we were at the cabin, I
never told you I loved you because it scared me too much to say it out loud,
like I was taunting fate. Even though I am terrified of losing you again, I
never want you to doubt how I feel about you. I love you, and I always have. My
trust in you, as far as you sharing the whole truth, teeters, because you’ve
never been completely open or honest with me, but I understand it was of no
malicious intent. You continually think the bigger picture is worth the
sacrifice, and that may, or may not, be true. Please believe I have complete
faith in you.  After all we’ve been through, there is not a single uncertainty
in my mind you will do whatever needs done to keep me safe. It’s a worry and
comfort, I won’t lie, but I don’t want you to keep carrying this guilt.” I put
my hands on face and pressed my lips to his.

“Thank
you, El,” he whispered in my ear. “I love you too, and I will live for you
until the day I die.”

***

I
was eager to see my mom. Cade told me she had a mild stroke while she was
recovering after the abduction, a product of a blood clot from her injuries. It
left her weak on the right side, but she’d been in physical therapy for weeks
and was almost back to normal. He’d kept in constant contact with her about my
condition.  Now that I was strong enough to deal with what happened, she
insisted on coming to visit me. It had been six months since our last visit, long
before Matt had died, and long before the abductions.

When
my mom came in, Cade and I were playing a game of cards, and I was laughing at
something he said. I flew out of my chair and embraced her.

“Mom
… oh mom.” I hugged her harder than I ever had, not wanting to release her. My
tears soaked her shoulder.

Cade
touched my shoulder. “I will be outside if you need me.”

My
mom broke from the embrace and encircled Cade in her arms. “I’m so happy to see
you.” she said. “Thank you so much for taking care of Ellia.”

The
shadow that crossed his face was obvious. He still believed he had failed me in
every way, and the guilt sat on him like an elephant.

He
gave a half nod. “I will wait outside so you two can catch up, and then I will
join you for lunch if that’s okay.”

“That
would be wonderful” she replied, and we watched him walk out.

“He
turned out to be a good man and just as handsome as ever,” she said, and I
agreed. “We’ve had great conversations on the phone. He’s been a huge comfort.”

“I’m
glad. How are you doing--really?” I asked, staring in her eyes for the truth.

“Well,
it has been rough, I won’t lie to you, but I have competent therapists and
every day is a little easier than the last. I visit Sam’s grave as often as I
can. Maybe when you get to leave here, you can visit with me,” she said, and
touched my face.

 “I’d
like that. I wish I could’ve seen him again.” My eyes filled with tears. “I was
such a terrible sister.”

“No,
you weren’t, honey. Sam was very busy, and he made little time for anyone in
his life. You two were never close, even as kids. It happens sometimes. After
those men … well you heard what they did to him, but he checked out after that.
I don’t think he even knew what was happening at the end, and he was so sick
when the police came, he was unconscious. His wounds were gangrenous, and he
was septic. The doctors couldn’t save him.” I wiped the tears off her face.

“I
know what they did to you. How are you handling everything?”

“The
same way as you, I suppose. We both went through hell and all we can do is just
keep going forward. I’ve been getting counseling. Cade said you have a very
nice therapist.” She took my hand, and we sat on the bed next to each other.

“Yes,
she’s been great. We don’t talk a lot about the details of what I experienced,
but she has taught me a lot of coping strategies. I’m just so thankful to feel
in control of myself again. It was difficult watching Cade in such emotional
distress and not be able to communicate with him. He blames himself for everything.”

“I
know he does. We’ve had several heartfelt conversations, and he’s been miserable.
I hope you can both heal.” She squeezed my hand. “Has he told you everything?”

 “Beth,”
said Cade standing in the doorway. “Can I talk to you for a second?”  My mother
got up and followed him into the hall, while I looked out the window and waited
for them, questioning whether he had hidden more information from me. My pulse
quickened as my worry expounded. I lost myself in thought as the two entered
the room.

“Ellia,”
said Cade, touching my shoulder with near panic in his voice. He feared I might
disappear again.

“I’m
fine--just thinking.” A smile lit up my face, and I was relieved to see the
color flow back into his. “Why did you need to talk to mom?”

“Nothing,”
he said, but turned away. He wasn’t being truthful, and it bothered me. He
wanted my faith and my trust, but could never quite bring himself to earn it.
“I have lunch arranged for us outside in the garden. It’s unseasonably warm
today, and I thought it might be a nice change for you.” He got a sweater out
of the closet for me as I stood up, and he helped me into it. He hugged me
before we headed to the courtyard.

As
we sat with our food presented on a red checkered table cloth over a picnic
table, I pressed them for answers again. “What are you two not telling me?” I
asked, addressing them both.

I
watched them exchange a glance but couldn’t read either of them. Cade spoke
first. “You’ve dealt with a lot this week, El. I don’t think now is the time.”

“Cade,”
began my mother. “I’m sorry, honey, but I disagree with you. She needs to be
told. It’s her body and her health.” 

I
stared at him, waiting for him to answer. “You promised no more lies. Tell me.”
I was getting angry as he stalled.

 “There
are two things, really.” He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair.
It killed him to have to tell me anymore bad news. He looked at my mom. “You
haven’t been told this, either, Beth.” He then turned back to me. “Your dad knew
where the money and the guns were the whole time.” I gasped, and Cade stopped
talking, thinking the revelation was too upsetting, but I urged him to continue.
“He had another family, Ellia, complete with two more children. They lived in
the Caribbean. He kept the woman in a separate house with the kids and made
sure no one found out they existed, not even the FBI. He gave her the cash to
hide in her personal accounts, and he hid the weapons in a storage unit.” The
news hurt me so completely, it took a moment to recover.

My
mother looked tormented and tears fell from her eyes. I reached over and
grabbed her hand while still talking to Cade. “God, I don’t know what to say. Why
am I even surprised? He is a despicable person, but how does a man ever justify
something like this? How could he sacrifice us to save them? How did you find
out about them?”

“The
FBI got a tip from a connection in Nassau. We arrested the woman, but I am not
sure if the charges will stick. She claims no knowledge of anything. The little
boys are with her family members. We confiscated the arms, but the money is
untouchable due to issues with foreign banking laws,” he said.

My
mother was seething, but trying to cover the emotion from me. “I’m sorry, Mom,
I cannot imagine how much this hurts you, especially knowing Sam died for that
bastard.”

My
mom shook her head as if a casting off something she didn’t want to consider. “I’ve
known he’s a ruthless, heartless, piece of shit for years. I will be fine, but
I feel terrible for you, honey.”

“I’ll
be fine, too.” Another blow was coming, and I clung to the linen napkin with a
death grip. “What is the second thing?”  I watched them both shift in their
seats, neither meeting my eyes as I brushed my tears away. I worried what else
they had to say. 

“Cade,”
said my mother. “Just tell her. I will leave you alone while you do because this
information is personal for the two of you. I’ll wait inside for you, Ellia, if
you need me.” She got up and kissed us both as she walked up the path to the
brick hospital. I looked at Cade, searching his eyes.

He
sat down next to me and took my hand. “This is hard, El, and I don’t know how
to say it.”

“Am
I going to die?” I asked as fear raced through me.

He
was so serious and poignant; it broke my heart to watch him give the news. “You
are pregnant,” he said, and I became lightheaded. He grabbed me around the
shoulders and steadied me.

I
put my hand on my stomach. “How far along am I?” I looked up at him through
blurry tears.

He
looked devastated. “The doctors aren’t positive, because you are so underweight,
but they are guessing about eight weeks.”

The
reality of the situation dawned on me. This might not be Cade’s baby. Both heinous
men had been inside me. My eyes welled up again, and looking at Cade seemed
unbearable. “It’s not yours is it?” The idea was so cruel and disgusting I
wanted to run into my safe corner, but I didn’t.

“I
don’t know,” he said with honesty. “You were sick when we found you, and the
doctors had a difficult time putting weight on you. The consensus was that
you’d spontaneously abort since your body wasn’t in good condition to support a
viable fetus, but so far, the baby is hanging tough.  We made love almost every
day up at that cabin, El, even that last night. We were never consistent in
using protection.  The odds are it’s mine, but we can’t be sure until it’s
born.”

“I
want an abortion,” I said, getting to my feet. “I won’t give birth to that monster’s
spawn! I won’t!” He thwarted my attempt to walk away with tears flowing fast
down my cheeks. He took my arm and pulled me into a crushing embrace.

“Please
don’t do that. Let’s talk about it, at least.” The despair in his voice
squeezed my heart.

“How
long have you known, Cade? When did you find out I was pregnant?” I asked, pushing
him away from me.

“He
looked down and shuffled his feet. “When we brought you in, you had obvious
signs of rape, and per protocol, a blood test showed you had conceived. We learned
day one about the baby.”

“What?”
I yelled, beyond furious at him. “Why wouldn’t you make them abort it at once, Cade?
They could’ve given me one of those Morning-After pills.  Two disgusting pigs
fucking raped me. How in the hell could you presume I would want to birth a
thing reproduced from that?”

“Because
it might be mine … ours, and I didn’t want to risk killing our own child. So
far, this baby has survived incredible odds based on the condition we found you,”
he said, his eyes so miserable it made me angrier.

“But
what if it’s not yours? What if I had never come back from nutso-Neverland? What
if I had stayed in a catatonic state? What would be your great plan then, Agent
Cantrell?”

“I
don’t know.  It’s not like I thought that far ahead. Jesus, I didn’t think it
was my place to make such a major decision for you.”

“So
if I was still out of it, you’d just let me continue to grow this evil seed
inside me until it was too late for an abortion?” I wanted to smack him, I was
so furious. “If you understood me at all, in what universe would I choose to
keep this thing?”

He
was angry, too, by then as he stood with his hands shoved in his pockets. “It
might be ours, Ellia, yours and mine. How could you forgive me if I asked them
to kill OUR baby?”

“I’d
have never known about any of this if you would’ve just told them to terminate.”

“Is
that what you want? After all the arguments we’ve had about me withholding
information, is that how you wanted me to handle it?  I didn’t know if you’d
wake up or not, but it was too early to take that baby if there was a chance you’d
want it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“What
if I carry it to term and it’s not yours? How will either of us live with
that?”

“I
don’t care if it’s mine, Ellia. This isn’t about me and some egotistical desire
to procreate. This child is part of you, and I will love it and raise it as my
own, regardless of paternity, if you’ll let me.”

I
pushed past him. “I have to be alone for a few minutes to think.” My mind was
racing as I walked the path in the opposite direction.
Could I ever love
this child if it belonged to either of those sadists? Despite what Cade said, would
he really?
 Even if he did, I didn’t believe I had it in me.

I
sat down on a bench in front of the man-made pond with a fountain and watched
the ducks. The momma was cruising along with her little ones paddling behind
her.  I put my hands on my belly, marveling that there was a tiny wisp of a
person inside of me. Maybe it was Cade’s baby, it was hard to say. I’d been on
the pill with Matt, but after my abduction, my monthly cycles were sporadic, especially
combined with stress and extreme weight loss.   

Guilt
filled me for getting so angry at Cade. The decision was mine to make, he was
right.  In all that time at the cabin, while we screwed each other’s brains
out, being very lax with birth control, we never even discussed the possibility
of a pregnancy. We had not been in a place to be taking such a risk, and yet we
did. He was not a careless man by nature, which made me wonder if part of him wanted
a baby all along.