Every Heart (9 page)

As I head back down, I feel guilty. This is the same feeling I got when I first started to take pills. But deep down I know the benefits that they provide me. They did back when I lost Kinsey, and I know they’ll help now.

I wake to the sound of my phone ringing. My face is pressed into the carpet. I’m sprawled out, half-dressed, and can barely remember what I did last night. Maybe it was the alcohol. Fuck, no, it was the pills. Dammit, I cannot believe that I gave in the way that I did. My phone rings again. Maybe it’s Arion calling, so I will myself to get up, but then it stops and I let my body collapse against the floor.

As I glance around the house, everything is a mess. There are things broken and I know I got out of control last night. Then I turn my head to the right and next to me is a picture of Arion. It’s my favorite. She’s absolutely breathtaking in it. I took it when we were on vacation. She’s staring through a window, light eyes, messy hair, and nothing but love shines from her. That was when everything was different. Now, here I lay with nothing but a fucking picture to console me. Christ, my life is wrecked without her.

My body is so jacked up from sleeping on the floor. I don’t care what happens, I’m never taking pills again. I get up and my phone rings again. I spot it right away on the bed and pray that it is her. My heart is telling me that it is. I answer right away.

“Baby?”

“Bain?” My mother’s tone is broken, she almost sounds like she’s been drinking.

“Mom, is everything okay?”

“No, baby, it’s not. It’s really not.”

“What’s the matter? Why have you been calling me over and over?”

“I only called you once.”

She sniffles and I ask again, “What’s the matter, Mom?”

“That asshole took a plea deal.”

“What? For how long?”

“Not long enough, something crazy like twelve to twenty years.”

“Fuck,” I snap and sink to my knees, my back leaning against the frame of our bed. “That fucking asshole fucking killed her.”

“I know,” she says crying. “It’s not long enough.”

“Mom, it doesn’t matter what they sentenced him to, it’d never be long enough. Does Dad know?”

“No, I have to call him now.”

“Do you want me to come down there?”

“No, you stay home and take care of yourself and Arion. I’m gonna call your dad. If you talk to the DA, will you please let me know if she says anything new.”

“I will, Mom.”

We hang up and my mom’s words replay in my mind,
Take care of Arion.
I can’t do that if she isn’t here, but I couldn’t tell my mom. I check the call log and notice she is the one who called. Right away I dial her back. My body courses with anxiety. I’ve been waiting for what feels like forever to talk to her.

“Hey,” she answers in a quiet tone.

I almost cry at the sound of her voice. “Hey,” I respond back, trying to keep myself calm.

“How are you?” she asks me.

“Baby, I can’t answer that. I need you here.”

“I’m sorry, Bain.”

“Me too,” I whisper.

“Are you coming home soon?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I woke up missing you and needed to hear your voice.”

“God, I miss you. You have no idea how brutal it is without you. You should come home. Please.”

She’s quiet for a moment, then says, “I need to make my mind up first.”

“What’s to figure out?”

“Come on, Bain, don’t be a dick.”

“It’s a legit question.”

“I need to sort everything out in my head. I’ve only seen Nate once.”

That’s why she wanted to go to Aubrey’s, so that she could be close to him. Fuck, I’m slowly losing her. She is slipping from my grasp.

“Are you there?” she asks.

“I’m here. I’m just a little shocked that you are hanging out with him, that’s all.”

“It’s not like that, our dog died, so I had to go over there.”

“Oh…I’m sorry, baby. Listen I’m probably not the best person to be talking to right now. I’m not myself when I’m not with you and I got some really shitty news about the trial just now, then you tell me that you are hanging out with Nate. It’s all a lot to handle. Arion, please remember what you promised me.”

“Of course. Bain, I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” I tell her and hang up angrily, cutting her off as she begins to speak again.

I know deep down that this isn’t the way that I should be acting, but I don’t give a fuck at this point. She won’t come home.

I look out into the rest of the house and spot the bottle of pills that Lawrence gave me. I know I said I wouldn’t do it just minutes ago, but I also never expected hearing that the asshole who took Kinsey’s life would be getting a fucking measly twelve years in jail then out walking the earth. Then Arion tells me that she’s seen Nate and isn’t coming straight home and it’s all too much to handle. I open the bottle of pills and pour them into my hand, counting how many I have left. Damn, I took twice as many as I should have last night. No wonder I crashed on the carpet.

I decide on popping a few right now. I’m actually excited for the high that I’m about to receive. That’s the beauty of pills. They give you something to look forward to. Even in the depths of despair, the darkest of all days, one tiny white pill can shine light on you like the sun does from up above.

I begin with two pills and head to the couch. Soon, that’s not enough and I take another two. Letting the sensation of my euphoric high take over. If I close my eyes for long enough, I can feel Arion on top of me. This is right where I want to be, with her, always and forever.

With my head in my hands, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been up for half of the night trying to decide between Bain and Nate. The problem is that both of them are so amazing and I love them both so much that the decision is agonizing.

Aubrey finally wakes up, walking into the living room with a messy mound of her brown hair piled on top of her head. “Morning,” she says.

“Hi.” I roll over and pull my feet up so she can sit next to my feet.

“How did you sleep?”

I can’t help but laugh. “I didn’t.”

“Damn, I’m sorry, girl. Did you talk to Bain?”

“Yeah. Finally, this morning he called.”

“And?”

“He’s not good, at all.”

“I can imagine. I hate to say it, but you really need to make a decision. I mean, what’s the point of waiting any longer?”

“I know I need to, but saying it and doing it are two totally different things.”

“I know. Let’s talk about things.”

“I really don’t think I want to right now,” I tell her being completely honest. I’m tired from not sleeping and am not sure my brain can function enough to make such a life affecting decision.

“Well, tough shit, you need to. You’re the one that has to make this decision, no one else. You can’t leave these two hanging like you have. Especially if Bain isn’t doing well.”

I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling, thinking of her question. My heart aches for both Nate and Bain, and I know as much as I keep making excuses for not deciding, I need to. Being in Nate’s arms was so comforting, it was everything I used to have with him. From the way he held me, to how he looked in my eyes.

But then there is Bain and the fire he puts inside of me is something on an entire different level. I melt at the pure sight of him and that’s not to mention what his touch does to me.

“So what does your gut tell you right off the bat?” she asks me.

“I love them both, I really do. But I love them in different ways. I waited for Nate for almost a year and during that time I ached for him. Every ounce of who I was needed him. He never came back to me. Then Bain emerged into my life and I fought my feelings for him with all of my might. But everything about Bain is powerful, and I failed, succumbing to him and everything that he is.”

“I don’t think you can ever love two people the same. Even parents, they love their children differently. I mean, look at me and my sister, for instance. Polar opposites.”

“The problem is, I do love them both.”

“Who do you see your future with?”

“I had everything planned out with Nate. He asked me to marry him, we talked about kids and how we wanted to grow old together. With Bain, I don’t know what he wants. We haven’t talked about those sort of things.”

“Arion, does any of that really matter, or is this about taking each day as they come and being happy while you do it? What’s meant to be will be. I mean, who cares what you’ve talked about, because God can rip it all away at any moment and there is nothing you can do.”

“You’re right. This is about whom I wholeheartedly love. Regardless of the past, or the future. I think I know what I need to do.”

“Good, you know I support you regardless of your decision.”

“I know. Would you mind if I had Nate come over here? So we could have some privacy? I’m sure his mom is home and I want to talk to him without anyone lurking.”

“Of course you can. I’m actually headed to the gym.”

Aubrey walks off and I dial Nate’s house number. It rings a few times, then he answers. “Hey, how are you?” I ask him.

“I’m better now. Is this for real, are you really calling here?”

“Oh stop it, Nate. Listen, I need to see you, can you come over to Aubrey’s?”

“Of course I can. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it is.”

We hang up and I give Aubrey a hug on her way out. She asks what my decision is. I knew it would be too long for her to wait without knowing who I’ve chosen. She looks at me with genuine happiness in her eyes and says, “Stay strong, A.”

“I will.”

I know it won’t take Nate long to get here, so I do the best that I can and pull myself together. Then as I finish brushing my teeth, I hear a knock on the door. Right away, my stomach goes into my throat.

I head towards it and as I stare at the white paint, I exhale and pray what I am doing is right. Nate knocks again, clearly impatient. I open it and look into his eyes.

So bright and clear, messy hair and rough face, even skinny, he can take my breath away. He really is beautiful and will make someone happy, unfortunately I love Bain so much and because of that, it won’t be me. I hold back the tears, knowing what I have to do, and put on a fake smile for him.
You can do this, A.

“Hi,” he says, with a smile and sparkling eyes.

“Hi,” I say, barely choking out the word. I welcome him in and then hug him, wondering if one more embrace will help anything at all. Maybe it will change my feelings? But as he gently holds me back, I know we can both tell it’s not the same as it used to be.

I guess it’s because we’re both so different now. He smells like Nate, a scent I dreamed about for a long time, but even smelling that scent again doesn’t compare to the ravishing yearning I have inside of me for Bain. He does something different to me. I wish I would have seen that sooner and wouldn’t have run away like I did.

“Come in,” I tell him stepping out of the way. I feel bad seeing the back of him and how you can tell that part of his leg is missing. As I close the door and turn to him, I lead us to the couch. “Let’s sit,” I tell him.

“How are you?” he asks, following me.

We both sit down and look at one another; it is so strange to be staring at him again. A million different emotions flow through me and I can’t help but cry. I’m not sure if I
can
let him go. After all of the nights I cried myself to sleep praying for a miracle, and here he is. Wiping the tears away with the backs of my hands, I look at him. He has his hands in his lap and is just watching me, I can see there is a glimmer of hope that exudes from within him and he finally says, “Come here.” Opening his arms to me, I scoot over, not able to fight his request and let myself indulge in Nate one last time. Yeah, it might seem selfish, but it’s what I feel I need to do. The second he embraces me, I cling to him, holding him tightly back. He soothes me by rubbing my back.

“I don’t even know what to say,” I tell him, afraid to start the conversation and let him down.

“You don’t need to say anything, A. That’s the beauty of our relationship. I am perfectly content just having you in my arms.” His assumption that we still have a relationship catches me off guard. Maybe it’s because I called him over here, but whatever it is, I am not sure I like it. He knows that I am with Bain.