Drunk With Blood (6 page)
Exodus 14.27-28
Number Killed: At least 600
Estimated Number Killed: 5,000
God’s last mass murder pretty much did the trick. The night that God killed every firstborn Egyptian child and animal, Pharaoh told Moses to go.
He called for Moses and Aaron by night, and said, Rise up, and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go, serve the LORD, as ye have said. Also take your flocks and your herds, as ye have said, and be gone; and bless me also. Exodus 12:31-32
So Moses rounded up all three million or so Israelites, their flocks, herds, cattle, unleavened bread, and all the silver, gold, and clothes that they could steal from the Egyptians, and left town.
The people took their dough before it was leavened … and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment … And they spoiled the Egyptians … about six hundred thousand on foot that were men, beside children … and flocks, and herds, even very much cattle. 12.34-38
And everything would have ended happily ever after, too, if God could have resisted the temptation to harden the Pharaoh’s heart a few more times.
You see, the Pharaoh’s heart was just too damned soft to suit God. So he set about hardening it a bit more. (He had to harden it 8 times in order to pull off his last killing.)
I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. 14.4
And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 14.8
I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. 14.17-18
So God hardened Pharaoh’s heart some more and got himself a little more honor.
Of course he had to kill some more Egyptians so that they would know that he is the Lord. Sometimes you have to kill people in order to get to know them better.
So that’s what God did. And you saw the movie so you know the rest of the story. God parted the sea so the Israelites could cross and then drowned the Egyptian army.
The LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians … and the LORD overthrew the Egyptians in the midst of the sea. … And the waters returned, and covered the chariots, and the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them; there remained not so much as one of them. 14.26-28
But the part I like best they didn’t show in the movie. God got right out there with his wrenches and whatnot and removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. How cool is that?
The LORD … took off their chariot wheels. 14.24-25
That would have been fun to watch.
OK. So how many Egyptians drowned to get God some more honor?
Well, we know there were at least 600, since that’s how many chariots the Pharaoh sent after the Israelites.
And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt, and captains over every one of them. 14.7
But along with the chariots there were “horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh” that chased after the three million or so escaping slaves.
So although I probably greatly underestimated the imaginary number, I guessed 5000.
Exodus 17.11-13
Estimated Number Killed: 1,000
Amalekites
Before the Israelites had even left Egypt, they began to do what they do best: complain.
They complain when they see the Pharaoh’s chariots.
When Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid: and the children of Israel cried out unto the LORD. And they said unto Moses, Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness. Exodus 14.10-12
They complain when they’re starving to death.
The whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger. 16.2-3
They complain when dying of thirst.
There was no water for the people to drink. Wherefore the people did chide with Moses, and said, Give us water that we may drink. And Moses said unto them, Why chide ye with me? wherefore do ye tempt the LORD? And the people thirsted there for water; and the people murmured against Moses, and said, Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst? 17.1-3
Before long, God will respond to their complaints with several mass murders. But we’ll leave that for another time.
Because now it’s time for some Holy War.
The Amalekites show up and the fight begins. God controls the whole thing with some remote control magic tricks. Every time Moses holds his hands up, the Amalekites are slaughtered by the Israelites. When he gets tired and lets his arms down, the situation is reversed.
When Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 17.11
Eventually they had to set some rocks under Moses’ arms to make sure that the right people got killed.
But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands. 17.12
But it all worked out just fine.
Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. 17.13
It’s too bad, though, that the Bible doesn’t say how many Amalekites died in this magical holy war, because now I’ll just have to guess.
Oh heck, I’ll call it 1000.
But God was far from done with the Amalekites. In fact, he is fighting with them still and commands us all to kill them wherever and whenever we see them.
The LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Exodus 17.14
The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16
Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25:19
So if you happen to see an Amalekite, you know what to do.
Exodus 32.27-28
Number Killed: 3,000
Israelites
In his previous killings, God killed indiscriminately. He drowned everyone and everything in the flood (
1
), smashed people with burning stones at Sodom and Gomorrah (
3
), and killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal just for the heck of it (
9
). So I guess we should be used to this sort of thing by now.
But in this killing, God forces 3000 friends and family members to kill each other. That seems kind of nasty even for a very nasty god.
Here are the gory details.
Moses was up on Mount Sinai getting the Ten Commandments from God. Since he’d been gone so long (he’d been up there for 40 days) the people began to wonder if he’d ever come back. So they asked Aaron to make some other gods for them. Aaron thought that was a pretty good idea, so he
Said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me ... And ... he had made it a molten calf. Exodus 32.2-4
You might think that a bunch of runaway slaves wouldn’t have much gold. But God told them to steal whatever jewelry they could find from the Egyptians.
The children of Israel did according to the word of Moses; and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment. … And they spoiled the Egyptians. 12.35-36
I guess God wanted them to have enough gold to make a golden calf. It was all part of his plan.
So the people gave Aaron their stolen gold and Aaron made a golden calf.
Now making a golden calf out of a pile of ear rings and a campfire might seem hard to you. But Aaron just threw them all onto a fire and out came a golden calf. Really.
I [Aaron] said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf. 32.24
It was a miracle. God (or Satan) made the golden calf when Aaron threw the jewelry on the fire.
In any case, when Moses came down from the mountain, he saw the people dancing naked (“for Aaron had made them naked“) around the golden calf.
Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked.) 32.25
So he smashed the stone tablets, burned the golden calf, ground it into a powder, sprinkled it on water, and then forced everyone (all 3 million of them) to drink it.
As soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses’ anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it. 32.19-20
But Moses was just getting started. Here’s what he said next:
Who is on the Lord’s side? .... Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour ... and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. 32.26-28
So those on God’s side went out and killed 3000 of their friends, neighbors, and family members.
But God still wasn’t satisfied. When he first found out about the golden calf and the naked dancing he wanted to kill everyone and start over with a new batch of people.
The LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people: Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation. 32.9-10
But Moses talked him out of it, saying, “What would the Egyptians say?”
Moses besought the LORD his God and said … should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people. 32.11-12
Imagine that. Moses is a nicer guy than God. (See
killing 26
for the implication here.)
