Drunk With Blood (5 page)
Genesis 19.26
Number killed: 1
Lot’s Wife
Although this is God’s fourth killing event, it is the first of God’s 2,476,636 countable victims.
It’s interesting that God’s first countable victim is unnamed. God killed Mrs. Lot without even knowing (or at least telling us) her name.
And what was it that got God’s attention? What did she do that caused him to kill her?
She looked back at the place she had lived all her life. She looked back as her family, friends, and neighbors were being smashed and burned to death by God. She looked back.
But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. Genesis 19.26
And, of course, the angel told her not to.
The angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city. And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters ... When they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee. 19.15-17
Or did he?
Who was the angel talking to here? To Lot alone or to him and his family? And if it was to Lot alone, did Lot tell his wife? Would it matter to God if no one bothered to tell her? Would he kill her anyway?
Who knows? Or cares? A God who would kill a woman for looking back as everyone she has ever known is being burned to death is a monster God. An arbitrary, random killer.
I have met Christians who ignore this story, as they ignore pretty much everything in the Old Testament. They sometimes call themselves “Red Letter Christians,” meaning that they base their beliefs on the words of Jesus.
But Jesus believed in the story about Sodom and Gomorrah; he believed in the story about Lot’s wife. He saw nothing wrong with any of it. In fact, he said that when he returns at the end of the world it will be just like that. You can check for yourself in your Red Letter Bible.
As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed. … Remember Lot’s wife. Luke 17.26-32
Jesus had no problem with God’s first two mass murders [the flood of Noah (
1
) and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (
3
)], or with God’s killing of Lot’s wife. It’ll be just like that at the end of the world, if Jesus has anything to say about it. He is just as nasty as the Old Testament God. Maybe nastier.
So remember Lot’s wife. And forget Jesus.
Genesis 38.7
Number killed: 1
Er
This is the first of God’s named murder victims.
We know his name (Er), his father’s name (Judah), his mother’s name (Shuah), and his wife’s name (Tamar).
Judah … saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er. … And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. Genesis 38.1-6
And we know that “he was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.” But that’s it.
Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 38:7
God killed Er for doing something, but the Bible doesn’t say what it was.
So what did Er do?
Did he get drunk and lie around naked in his tent and then curse his unborn grandson (and all of his descendants) with slavery because his son saw him drunk and naked? No that was Noah, “a preacher of righteousness.” (Genesis 9.20-25, 2 Peter 2.5)
Did he abandon his first son to die in the desert and then show his willingness to murder his second son for God as a human sacrifice? No, that was Abraham, a friend of God. (Genesis 21.10-14, 22.2-12, James 2.23 )
Did he offer his two virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers and then get drunk and impregnate them? No that was Lot, a just and righteous man. (Genesis 19.8, 30-38, 2 Peter 2.7-8)
So what was it that pissed off God so much that he just had to kill him?
You’d think if it was important enough to kill him, it would be important enough to tell us why.
Genesis 38.9-10
Number killed: 1
Onan
In his last killing (
5
), God killed Er for being wicked.
Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. Genesis 38.7
So Judah told Er’s brother, Onan, to have sex with his dead brother’s wife. (I guess Judah wanted a grandchild or something.)
Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife. 38.8
And Onan “went in unto” her alright, but before ejaculating he pulled out and “spilled it on the ground.”
Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground. 38.9
Then God, who was watching the whole thing, killed Onan for ejaculating outside the vagina of his dead brother’s wife.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. 38.10
This story is used by believers to justify their condemnation of everything from masturbation (which is sometimes called “Onanism”) to birth control.
But I think it’s just another nasty, amoral Bible story. If there is a moral to the story, though, I guess it is this: Be careful where you ejaculate.
Genesis 41.54-57
Estimated Number Killed: 70,000
World-wide famine victims
This one is all about Joseph. There’s a whole series of stupid Joseph stories in Genesis: Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children (Genesis 37.3); Joseph’s brothers throw him in a well (37.24); Joseph is rescued from the well and sold to the Ishmaelites (37.28); Joseph goes to prison after being falsely accused of rape (39.20); Joseph interprets the dream of his cellmate (40.8-19); Joseph interprets the Pharaoh’s dream (41.25-32); the Pharaoh makes Joseph the overseer of all of Egypt (41.33).
The Bible isn’t too clear on this, but as near as I can tell, God starved everyone on earth so that Joseph could become the most powerful person in Egypt by interpreting the Pharaoh’s dream so that God could get the Israelites enslaved by Pharaoh and then rescue them by sending plagues on the Egyptians. Or something like that.
OK. That all makes perfect sense. But what was the Pharaoh’s dream?
Well, there were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows. The skinny cows ate the fat ones.
And it came to pass … that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river. And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow. And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river. And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. So Pharaoh awoke. Genesis 41.1-4
Then Pharaoh had another dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain ate seven fat ones.
And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good. And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them. And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and, behold, it was a dream. 41.5-7
Nobody could interpret Pharaoh’s dream. So they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple. God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine. And the famine would be world-wide and “very grievous.”
This is the thing which … God is about to do.…There come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt: And there shall arise after them seven years of famine. … It shall be very grievous. … The thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass. 41.28-32
Joseph said the Pharaoh should have the Egyptians store up food during the seven good years so they wouldn’t starve (like everyone else) during the bad.
And it all happened just like Joseph said it would. The Pharaoh did what Joseph suggested and had Joseph oversee it all. And Joseph became the most powerful person in Egypt.
So things worked out well for Joseph, but not so well for everyone else.
When the famine struck, everyone on earth (including the Egyptians) had to buy their food from Joseph. If they couldn’t make it to Egypt or didn’t have enough money, they starved. It was all part of God’s plan.
The seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands … And the famine was over all the face of the earth … And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands. 41.54-57
But how many people starved to death during God’s seven year famine? I have no idea. But since the Bible says it was “over all the face of the earth” and was a “very grievous famine,” I figure it must have been at least 70,000 or so, 10,000 each year.
Exodus 9.24-26
Estimated Number Killed: 300,000
Egyptians
This is the seventh of the famous ten plagues of Egypt.
Here are the first six:
1. Rivers turn to blood. (Exodus 7.17-24)
2. Frogs. (8.1-7)
3. Lice. (8.16-19)
4. Flies (8.21-24)
5. All cattle in Egypt die. (9.3-6)
6. Festering boils on man and beast. (9.9-10)
The Bible doesn’t say whether anyone died from the first six plagues. Rivers of blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals as far as you can see, and boils covering every person and animal in Egypt. These things were no doubt unpleasant. But did it kill anyone? There’s just no way of knowing.
But the Bible is clear about the seventh plague: hail.
Upon every man and beast which shall be found in the field … the hail shall come down upon them, and they shall die. ... So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous ... And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. Exodus 9:19-25
So God killed everybody in Egypt who was out and about that day with fire and hail (except Israelites).
Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail. 9:26
But how many people would that have been?
Well, the Egyptian population is estimated to have been 3 million at the time the Exodus supposedly happened (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). So if maybe 10% of the Egyptians were in the field at the time, about 300 thousand would have been killed by God’s fiery hailstorm.
Exodus 12.29-30
Estimated Number Killed: 500,000
Firstborn Egyptians
God starts planning this mass murder in Chapter 3 of Exodus, and he doesn’t stop talking about it until he kills every Egyptian firstborn child (and animal) in Exodus 12.
Here was the way God planned it.
On the night of the mass child murder, God told each Israelite family to find a year-old lamb without blemish, kill it, and wipe the blood on the top and sides of the door.
In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb … without blemish, a male of the first year … And ye shall … kill it in the evening. And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses. Exodus 12.3-7
That way when God came through Egypt looking for first born children and animals to kill, he would see the bloody door and “pass over” the house, saying to himself, “Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to kill any children or animals here.”
For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast … and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, 12.12-13
And that’s what happened.
At midnight God passed through Egypt killing every Egyptian first-born child and animal.
At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. 12.29
After God was done, there was not a single Egyptian house that didn’t have one dead child.
And there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. 12.30
Why did God do it?
Well, it seems that he did it to show off.
To show off his signs and wonders.
I will … smite Egypt with all my wonders. 3.20
I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. 7.3
Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1
The LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt. 11.9
To introduce himself to the Egyptians.
And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD. 7.5
To show what he can do.
Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh. 6.1
To show that there is nobody else on earth quite like him.
For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth. 9:14
To make himself famous (so that everyone will know his name).
That my name may be declared throughout all the earth. 9.16
To give us a story to tell our children and grandchildren.
That thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son’s son, what things I have wrought in Egypt. 10.2
To show that the whole earth belongs to him.
That thou mayest know how that the earth is the LORD’s. 9.29
To prove that he is God.
In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 7.17
That ye may know how that I am the LORD. 10.2
To show that he likes Israelites more than Egyptians.
That ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel. 11.7
And to punish the Egyptian Gods.
Against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. 12.12
Well, I guess those motives are about as good as any for a mass murder.
In any case, God is clearly proud of this one. And it’s no wonder. It wasn’t all that easy to pull off, even for God.
He had to harden the Pharaoh’s heart eight times to make it all work out as planned.
1. I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4.21
2. I will harden Pharaoh’s heart. 7.3
3. He hardened Pharaoh’s heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. 7.13
4. The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 9.12 5. The LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1
6. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go. 10.20
7. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not let them go. 10.27
8. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. 11.10
Some hearts are hard for even the Bible god to harden.
So how many were killed in this killing? Well, the population of Egypt at the time the Exodus supposedly occurred was about 3 million (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a half million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).
