Drunk With Blood (14 page)

Judges 11.32-33

Estimated Number Killed: 20,000

Ammonites

This is the fifth time that the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See
42
,
43
,
46
, and
48
for the others), so you know by now what’s going to happen.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD, and served Baalim, and Ashtaroth, and the gods of Syria, and the gods of Zidon, and the gods of Moab, and the gods of the children of Ammon, and the gods of the Philistines, and forsook the LORD, and served not him. Judges 10.6

God gets angry and sells them as slaves.

The anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hands of the Philistines, and into the hands of the children of Ammon. 10.7

The Israelites cry out to God.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD, saying, We have sinned against thee, both because we have forsaken our God, and also served Baalim. 10.10

God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to (which is what this killing is about).

A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre. This time God chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

The spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. 11:29-31

Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah’s vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah “a very great slaughter.”

So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. 11:32-33

God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah’s hand and “he smote them ... with a very great slaughter.” And then Jephthah came home.

(I gave each city the usual 1000 slaughter amount, for a total of 20,000.)

Judges 12.5-6

Number Killed: 42,000

Ephraimites

After Jephthah finished killing and burning his daughter for God (
51
) to pay God back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities (
50
), he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter.

The men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? Judges 12.1a

They were so pissed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah’s house.

We will burn thine house upon thee with fire. 12.1b

Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the God-assisted slaughter, but they didn’t come.

Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not … and the LORD delivered them into my hand. 12.2-3

Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war.

Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim. 12.4a

So that’s what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Ephraimites.

And the men of Gilead smote Ephraim. 12.4b

After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross.

The Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites. 12.5a

When an escaping Ephraimite would come to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, “No”, they’d ask him to say “Shibboleth.” (Ephraimites couldn’t pronounce it correctly. It was like asking George Bush or Sarah Palin to say “nuclear.”)

When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. 12.5b-6a

Then when the Ephraimite mispronounced Shibboleth by saying Sibboleth, they’d kill him.

Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan. 12.6b

And the Shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.

And there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. 12.6c

And they deserved it, too, for not participating in the slaughter of the Ammonites, threatening to burn down Jephthah’s house, failing to pronounce “Shibboleth” correctly, or whatever.

(Note: Jephthah is one of the heroes of God in Hebrews 11, so we can be pretty sure that God approved of the whole “Shibboleth” test / holy civil war massacre.)

Judges 14.19

Number Killed: 30

Philistines

Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn’t get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he “delivered” them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn’t get paid for them.)

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years. Judges 13.1

Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites’ new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.

(This is the first time that the third step in God’s famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can’t find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn’t hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)

Now Samson’s birth was a lot like Jesus’. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now … thou shalt conceive, and bear a son. 13.3

He even came again unto her when her husband wasn’t around and got her pregnant.

The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her. 13.9

And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson. 13.24a

So Samson’s birth was a fucking miracle.

Samson was one of God’s special heroes. He was blessed by God and moved by the Spirit of the Lord. (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the Spirit of the Lord off of him.)

The Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. 13.24b-25

The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:

Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. 14.1-3

Now Samson’s parents were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn’t know that this was all a part of God’s plan to kill Philistines.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. 14.4

Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when “the Spirit of the LORD came mightily” on him. Now in the Bible, there’s pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That’s what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. 14.5-6

When he arrived at his Philistine girlfriend’s place “she pleased Samson well” and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass.

Behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. 14.8

Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion’s body.

Of course, it’s also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the “honey” would have been pretty nasty stuff!)

But whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn’t tell them where it came from.

He took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. 14.9

The Bible doesn’t actually say so, but I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson’s new-found Philistine friends.

At the party, Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. 14.12-14

Wasn’t that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever couldn’t, would have to give Samson 30 sheets and 30 garments.

If ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments: But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. 14.12-13

Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson’s new wife to tell them the answer or they’d burn her house down.

On the seventh day … they said unto Samson’s wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father’s house with fire. 14.15

She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party.

She wept before him the seven days … and … on the seventh day … he told her … and she told the riddle to the children of her people. 14.17

So Samson didn’t get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of...well, I’m not sure what. Here’s what he said:

If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. 14.18

So the party animals plowed with Samson’s heifer and they found out his riddle.

And then God gets involved again.

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. 14.19

So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and, when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him, killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson’s new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson’s wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. 14.20

So everything worked out according to God’s plan. Samson’s brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle, and the clothing bet. It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, did you get Samson’s riddle? Me neither.