Dream Chaser (32 page)

“Any other what if’s?”

“What if I hadn’t got married when I did? Not that I
didn’
t want children.
You know
I
’ve
never regretted that—and without Brad, that wouldn’t have happened.”

“Unless you fell in love and married someone else,”
Margaret
replied
, “like that handsome rancher Penny told me about
.
”

But she didn’t dare ask what Penny might have said. “I keep thinking what if I’
d
followed
my grandmother
’s advice. You know,
hang on to my hopes, chase my dreams. I
never really
did that. I should have. I can’t seem to ma
ke up my mind what I want to do
.”

“Those co
ulda, shoulda, woulda messages. A
re they really
worth bothering about
?”

“Probably not. I’m sorry I’m such poor company
, Margaret
.” Her eyes filled
again, and she turned, hoping Margaret wouldn’t see how close she was to weeping
. “
When did you say you wanted to walk around the lake?
”

“
It’s getting too cold to do that. But a bunch of us go mall-walking on Wednesday’s. Want to come with us, even though you don’t look like you need to? No buffalo hips on you, girl.”
Margaret
stood up.

“
Count me in. But not this Wednesday. I’m meeting Ronnie’s parents that day. And Penny scheduled me for a facial before I see the hairdresser this afternoon.” She pressed two fingers to her cheeks. “Maybe the facial will get rid of these bags under my eyes.”

“You going to get a massage for your broken heart, too, Suzie Q?”

Her heart thudded as she looked back at Margaret, standing there with her hands on her ample hips
.

“Kevin filled me in the other day.” Margaret seemed to appraise her. “Why in the world did you come back here when that cowboy, who even knocked picky Penny back on her pins, is out there on his ranch pining for you?” Margaret sat back down. “I need a cup of tea. We have to talk.”

“You know perfectly well why I came home. Kevin’s upcoming wedding.” Suzanna willed her hands not to shake while she poured Margaret a cup of tea.

“Oh, pshaw, Suzanna. The wedding isn’t until June. It’s just past Thanksgiving. And, the groom’s side hardly has a thing to do, except for the honeymoon. The truth is you ran away from that man. And for what? So you could clean out Brad’s closets? Kevin could have helped the housekeeper if you’d asked him. So you could repaint the master bedroom? Penny could have arranged that for you, too. You’re making excuses. How about something sweet to go with my tea?”

Suzanna held her breath for a moment
while she filled a plate with cookies and pushed it toward her best friend.
“
I wasn’t sure I should stay. I’m not sure I can be all he would want me to be.” H
er
voice quavered
.
“
He had meetings in New York, right before Kevin called.” She sipped her tea. “So I came home to see if I could figure out…what I thought we had. In case it wasn’t real.”
Some days, it’s like a dream, like I wanted it to be real. But I’m Brad’s widow. That’s real.

“Suzanna, d
id
that man
hurt you?”

Suzanna
wiped her eyes
. “Oh, no, he would never do that. If anyone hurt someone, it was me. I never told him good-bye. I just left.” She
sniffed
. “I knew I had to lea
ve and I was afraid if I waited, I wouldn’t be able to, and I needed to…get away
.” She stopped. “
I called the ranch the other day and Nate, his cook, would hardly speak to me.”
I left l
ike a thief in the night
.
But he’s the one who stole my heart and I can’t seem to get it back.

“
Look at me, Suzanna
.”
Margaret
star
e
d at her. “Admit it. You’
re in love with him.”

Suzanna’s heart pumped at the words
, banging into lungs that couldn’t seem to get enough air
. Was she?

“Oh,
Margaret
, I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not sure.
Some
people hinted that
he was in love with me
.
I was afraid—and
—he never
really
said. But
every time he looked at me, or touched my hands, I couldn’t stop responding,
reacting to him.
” She dabbed her napkin at her eyes.
“You know
I never took my trip to meet someone.
I just wanted to find myself.
” She turned away from
the table and Margaret’s searching eyes
, her heart pounding. “
I just wanted to see Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons.” She looked down at her hands. “Except the gates were closed
.”

“But his was open
.”

Suzanna
gave her a quivering smile
.

“Penny told me he was after you—not so nicely, I might add.”

“She made such awful accusations.”

“After I pressed her, she said she thought he might be in love with you, too, but she didn’t want to admit it, if you ask me.” Margaret sniffed. “That girl has to let you go, let you live your own life.” She sipped her tea and patted Suzanna’s hand. “
Besides
Penny
, who else told you or asked you
, maybe just hinted around at what he wanted
?”

“Abigail…
and
Emma, too
.
They’re sisters, Jonathan’s second cousins. But you know how women are. They match-
make all the time. I’m sure that’s all it was.”
Or was it? They’ve known him all his life.
Then there was that comment of Kittie’s.

“Why would they think that
?”

“Well, Jonathan bought my box supper and
…
we danced. I think they want
ed
Jonathan to
find
someone. It’s been a long time since his wife left him.”

“What about him? Did he
tell them
he was in love with you?”

“I don’t think so.
He’s a pretty private person, and
he
was my landlord
. We
had some dinners together,
and went to the movies a few times …
” She
felt a blush traveling up her neck, enveloping her cheeks
.
“W
e were friends.
”
He said he cared. Was that rancher-speak for love?

“And?”
Margaret’s eyes had that knowing glint, as if she knew more.
What—exactly—did Penny say to her? Or Kevin?

Suzanna was silent. “We did get along pretty well.” She
glanc
ed
up from the circles she was drawing with a spoon on her napkin. “But i
t’s not been that long since Brad died
.
”
Was that why she felt guilty?

“And your point would be?” Margaret asked.

Suzanna
plunged on
. “When I was on the cruise, Mau
de and I—that
nice lady I met—thought if I did find a man
, it should be a school teacher. You know,
someone who likes books, someone safe.
But Jonathan’s
a
rancher. He raises beef cattle mostly, and sheep.
He has a consulting business
, too,
in
ternational trade. He has a PhD
for goodness’ sake
. From Minnesota
.”
How ironic was that?

“So he’s well-educated. And smart
. T
hat doe
sn’t mean he can’t fall in love. He’s still a man, and from what Penny said, really handsome.
”
Margaret
smiled. “Sometimes the
academic ones fall the hardest. W
hen they find the right person.” She
sipped her tea.

“Maybe,” Suzanna said.

“And, sometimes they’re more subtle at expressing their feelings
than they ought to be.
William
was
a lot
like that.”
Margaret sighed and sat back in her chair.

Suzanna looked up, not sure what to say. “
Jonathan was at the University, on the St. Paul campus when I was in school. I might have met him if I’d ever had classes there, except he was already in grad school then.
”

She
wiped her eyes again. “I just had to leave, Margaret. I couldn’t stay. People would have talked even more than they already were.
”

“What do you mean by that?”
Margaret shook her head
. “
Never mind. I think I get the picture. I’ll just bet someone in that little town has the social finesse of a flea. To imply something when there’s no reason, or maybe when there is a reason and they’re jealous. A woman.”

Suzanna nodded.
“Maris. Emma said she’s always liked Jonathan.”

“From the way Penny talked, I’ll bet a lot of women were angling for his slippers under their bed.” Margaret reached for another cookie.

Make me one of them.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Margaret snorted. “But it took someone who wasn’t even looking to catch his eye. Have you got a piece of paper?”

Suzanna went into Brad’s office and found a legal pad.

“Sometimes, it helps if I sketch out my thoughts. William used to do that.”

Margaret drew a circle around Jonathan’s name, one around Suzanna’s name, and a third around Brad’s name.
“Here’s what I think,”
she
said
. “You and Brad were married.” She drew a line linking the two circles.
“And t
hen he died.”
Margaret
drew a line through Brad’s circle.
“Ah, but that isn’t the whole story. You and he had
…let’s call it a rocky relationship. Frankly, he was a scoundrel. We all knew it. It just took you longer than the rest of us to see it.
”

“
If he hadn’t
died,
I really would have divorced him
,” Suzanna
murmured
.

Margaret
blackened the ‘Brad’ circle with a highlighter.
“How’s that make you feel?”

Suzanna smiled.
“Better.”

“So, with your trusty sidekick, Sam, you took off for parts unknown, and not approved of by
Penny anyway,
to have some fun, to
find
yourself,”
Margaret added.

“Then, when you
couldn’t get into Yellowstone, you just happened to find Willow Grove and you figured
this cute little town was a perfect place to hide
. But you discovered
Jonathan wasn’t
at all like Brad
. Wonder of wonders, Suzanna. Y
ou fell head over teakettles for him!”
Margaret
crowed
, tossing the pencil in the air
.

“But—but—” Suzanna protested. “I’m really not sure that’s accurate.”

“Is it more accurate to say that he shivers your timbers?”
Margaret beamed at her. “William used to use that phrase.”

Margaret
drew a dotted line between
Suzanna’s and Jonathan’s name
. “Admit it, girl. Didn’t you tell me he came and
picked
you
up
in that horse-drawn carriage—in a tux, no less—and you wore that slinky dress
hanging
in
your
closet
upstairs
?”

“Well, yes,” she admitted. “
B
ut he said it was a going-away dinner and the dress code was formal. It was all I had that was
close to
formal
wear
.
I didn’t know it would be just us two until I saw the table.
”

“
So the man’s devious when it comes to matters of the heart.” Margaret chuckled.
“He was
co
urting you for all he was worth. Dinner for two,
and by candlelight.” She looked over her glasses at
Suzanna. “But
little ol’ Suzanna can’t
or won’t trust her own instincts
, which are strong enough to make her weep.” As if on cue, Suzanna’s tears
began to flow. She pushed back her chair.
This was getting
seriously
uncomfortable.