Doing The Apocalypse Shuffle: Southern Prepper Adventure Fiction of Survival Grid Down (Old Preppers Die Hard Book 2) (20 page)

“You are a dog, Farley! A sweet dog but a damn conniving one! And I suppose if we give you permission to go, you’ll be absconding with your stuff too, it isn’t just going to be parts for the birthday!” Charlie said with a smile.

“You aren’t going to that damn marina, Farley! I know if you came up with this idea you ought to be able to come up with another idea of something to use that you could find around here that don’t require your pilfering ways!” Becky admonished.

“I tell you what we ought to do now, she’ll have a conniption fit but since it’s her birthday and it’s a present she won’t voice it very loudly at first. What we ought to do is once you decide, Charlie, what you are going to put the makings of that silver generator in, we’ll put it inside of a tackle box and wrap it all up! She’ll think we’re giving her fishing tackle and won’t know what to do at first.” Farley said with a grin.

“I have been thinking about what kind of box to put that stuff in; she isn’t going to know what the hell it is anyway until we tell her. I suppose I could make one for her out of an old desk drawer or something but other than that I don’t have too many ideas.” Charlie said looking to Farley and Becky for any suggestions.

The trio pondered that question for a moment and then Becky came up with the perfect solution.

“I saw at the check in desk a brass unicorn box they were using for stamps. Why don’t you put it in that one and polish it up real nice for her? But we don’t have any wrapping paper, Farley, how are we going to fix that?” Becky asked.

“Oh I got that! I saw a Home and Garden magazine with lots of flowers and stuff in it; wrap it up in that and it’ll be pretty and functioning.” Farley stated happily.

“Hell yeah!” Charlie said giving Farley a high five as Becky gave him a hug for coming up with such a stupendous idea.

“Oh shit! Here comes the wicked witch from the West!” Charlie said looking out the window at the approaching golf cart. “I guess her patience has run out!”

“I told you! Let me go head her off and tell her that me and you ain’t over here just drinking beer or having a party that she wasn’t invited to. But I’m surprised she decided to head this way so soon.” Charlie said as he proceeded to walk out the door to Farley and Becky’s giggling about him being put on the spot.

“Lizards! There’s lizards in house! You got to come, Charlie, catch him!” Miss Feng said eying Farley like he was probably the one that set it loose.

“Why you got to come all the way down here to tell me that? You could have got one of the boys to get it!” Charlie said wondering if it was just a ruse to get her down here to see what they were up to.

“Where them boys at anyway? Everybody secret secret around here these days. No worry about Miss Feng got Godzilla lizard in her kitchen!” She declared.

“Yeah, where are those two little heathens, anyway?” Farley asked, thinking about it.

“They’re probably down there at the fishing pier.” Becky said knowing that they were busily watching their egg incubator to see if any chicks popped out and not heeding her advice about a watched pot never boils.

“Farley, you go find boys. Tell Fong it lunch time! And I no have me water for toilet and I need now!” Miss Feng said.

“Why me?” Farley questioned before thinking ‘oh hell, it beat staying around here anyway’ and headed out the door.

“I want to talk to you, too. Farley being dinky dau again and I worry about. You know what he do? And don’t you laugh, Becky. I saw him running around other day with you bra on his head singing Mickey Mouse or something! But I worry. He no stay in house when everybody else go to bed. He creep around at night. What he do, Becky?” Feng asked.

“What do you mean he do? You know him, he disappears sometimes.” Becky said, not adding that it was usually because Feng or her was fussing at him.

“I get up middle of the night go take pee and damn Farley I see sneaking down the road. What he do Becky? He supposed to be in bed, be asleep and not being bad Farley.” Miss Feng asked questioning.

Charlie looked over at Becky with a look of bewilderment not having heard about Farley’s alleged night jaunts.

“Miss Feng, I don’t know. He goes back to his cabin and says he’s going to bed. I see the light on in his cabin and he says he’s listening to the radio and going through his stuff but I didn’t know he left his cabin.” Becky said now concerned about what Farley was up to.

“I see him with Jeremy one night when the moon was high, both sneaking around when sane folks in bed! You ask boy what Farley do.” Miss Feng declared looking around to see if she could catch sight of the boys or Farley supposedly looking for them.

“Wait a minute now! Farley was sneaking around after midnight with my son? Why that little goomer. I’m going to have to have a talk with him! What do you think they were doing, Charlie? You think he was checking fish lines or traps at that odd hour and if he was, why was Jeremy sneaking out and not telling me?” Becky declared adding an extra check mark to Farley’s misdeed shit list.

“I got no idea! He ain’t said nothing to me. This is the first I heard of it. You reckon Fong is in on it too?” Charlie asked contemplating why Farley might be sneaking around let alone involving Becky’s boy Jeremy in whatever he was doing.

“No, me check, Fong in bed like good boy, asleep. Only crazy Farley wandering around when sane folks in bed!” Miss Feng said eying Becky like she knew something she wasn’t saying.

“Don’t be mad at me, Feng! I didn’t even know Jeremy snuck out before let alone with Farley! You know Farley sneaks off and drinks sometimes by himself but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that with my boy around.” Becky said more confused than ever.

“I guess I need to go talk to that man, this sounds kind of serious. I know he isn’t doing anything too terribly wrong but I damn sure want to know what it is that he is doing!” Charlie said starting to rise and go find him.

Charlie walked down the road after thinking about taking Miss Feng’s golf cart but he knew better than that and left the ladies to contemplate and speculate on Farley’s evil ways. Now the major question was where is that son of a bitch at and where were the boys at? He kind of guessed that they were over by the maintenance shed where Feng’s chicken incubator was hidden at until her birthday so he proceeded in that direction.

“Dammit! What in the hell could Farley possibly be doing sneaking around at night? Now if he was off pilfering like he wasn’t supposed to be, he damn sure wouldn’t be walking the camp trails at night, let alone be bringing Jeremy along with him. And if he wasn’t checking fish lines or traps, what else could he be doing?” Charlie said to himself quite vexed by the situation.

Charlie approached the amphitheatre to take the shortcut trail to the utility shed and was rewarded with the sound of giggling boys. Farley was evidently regaling them with one of his wild tales and Charlie approached around the back path to get there so as to not be so apparent in his approach. He liked Farley and he knew he was a pretty good soul normally, still in all he reminded himself, it was still a Farley and he wanted to know just what in the hell they were up to. As he approached by the side trail to the meeting place this camp had for celebrations and such, his nostrils caught the smell of wood smoke and something else kind of acrid.

“What the hell is that smell? I have told them boys the only fires that were allowed were the cook fires. Farley didn’t have time enough to start a fire to smoke any meat or anything and why in the hell would he be doing it back here, and for that matter what in the hell was it he was smoking? He already told me he wasn’t studying eating no skunk.”

As Charlie eased himself around a bush to get a better look and sneak up on the boys and Farley, he saw an unwelcome sight.

That son of a bitch has got him a moonshine still! And he’s got the damn boys helping him with it!

“Farley, you son of a bitch! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Charlie hollered while walking out into the clearing as Farley and the boys turned to look at him with ‘oh Hell, we’re dead’ looks on their faces.

“We’re making turpentine.” Farley tried to say before he noticed that Charlie wasn’t going to buy that. Jeremy gave it a try and said “Actually we’re making ethanol for the cars to run on when the gas runs out.” Fong on the other hand knew better than to even try to lie to his uncle and just sort of tried to stay quiet.

“Don’t give me that shit! I done saw you, Farley, drinking some of that damn brew you’re supposed to not be making! I can’t believe that you got them two young boys over here helping you run a damn still!” Charlie said like it was the end of the world as he knew it.

“It don’t taste too bad, you want to give it a try?” was all Farley could say and poked a dipper in Charlie’s direction.

“Aw hell, I’ll try it but what in the hell am I supposed to say you been up to? The girls sent me after you. You are caught by the way, Farley! Miss Feng saw you and Jeremy sneaking down the trail the other night and you got her to answer to, my friend!” Charlie said as the ‘oh shit!’ looks on everybody’s faces sunk down to a state of affairs that it was time for Farley to go to the woods again and could they come with him!

Charlie sipped out of the dipperful that Farley shoved in his direction while he was trying to regain his composure and figure out how he was going to get out of this situation with kid gloves and tried a new bent on explaining themselves.

“OK Charlie, you are a man of the world and you have been a soldier once or twice to trading with civilians on foreign bases and you know the value of this crap! I needed me something a little extra to trade since you won’t let me go out and look around folks houses for extra goods. So with a little bit of ingenuity and, how do I say this, you’re out of sugar now, I came up with a solution! These boys here got kind of sneaky and curious and wanted to find out what it was that I was doing hauling them sacks of sugar out of your kitchen and followed me one day. They said they were going to turn me in if I didn’t let them participate in helping run this still! So now you got me! I don’t let them drink by the way; I think I do that enough for everybody around here. But I have been teaching them a science lesson of sorts in the basics of chemistry and distillation. Do you think that might let me out of this hard corner you got me in?” Farley asked with a grin.

“No, I think you dug that hole about as deep as you can bury yourself in with this one. You done some shit, Farley, but this stunt takes the cake! There is no way in hell I think you can excavate yourself out of this! Miss Feng has already got it in for you with your partying ways and getting her nephew to help you is sure to put your neck in the noose now along with Becky going to give you hell!” Charley wheezed, shaking his head and trying to get his breath back from that rotgut liquor that Farley had somehow managed to produce.

“Those two damn little heathens blackmailed me! You know when we’re having problems with weapons and stuff we could have made Molotov cocktails for something, anything to be able to fight back with. I came up with a new old way to solve the problem for barter material. White lightning is top shelf trading material, you know.  That and I like the taste of it.” Farley said, backing like a boxer getting on his bicycle to move around the ring in order to avoid his opponent.

“That rope a dope shit isn’t going to work on me, Farley! It isn’t going to work on them, either. You done put yourself in the stew pot and I don’t know how you’re going to get out of there without getting scalded!” Charlie said fuming and taking another sip from the ladle.

“How did you build this damn thing anyway?” Charlie questioned.

“Oh, little bit of this and a little bit of that. I wasn’t going to have the boys out here at all at first but like I said they got me. Hey, check this out, Fong repel borders!” Farley said as Fong went over and got a Palmolive bottle full of his elixir and a lighter and shot a twelve foot flamethrower stream of fire towards the lake. “How’s that for a defensive weapon?” Farley said trying to undo the mess he had created.

“Damn, that’s even worse, now you got them playing with flammables and explosive liquids!”

“Well, can we tell them I thought about going into the tincture business? You know botanicals and herbs and that I needed something resembling vodka to do it with?” Farley said grasping at straws.

“No, I don’t think that will work too well. You done turned their two little darlings into moonshiners and they aren’t ever going to forgive you for that, Farley!” Charlie declared.