Dissolve (12 page)

“Apologize to her,” Kai says, voice deadly cool.

“You’re kidding, right?” The guy sneers. “I’m suing both of you! Security!
Security
!!!”

I feel someone grab my hand – gentle, but firmly. His hand is so broad and warm, I know it’s Kai. Before I can step away, he yanks at my hand, pulling me down the mall’s corridor at top speed. The angry man shouts after us, the whistles of mall security echoing alongside our footsteps. Wind whips my hair free from its braid, the passing shops dizzying me. We run into the parking garage, and Kai pulls me behind a car, motioning for me to be quiet as we hide. Security shuffles through the floors of the parking garage, their walkie-talkies emitting jumbled words and static.

Being this close to Kai again makes my head spin. His scent of pine and leather gets under my skin, the feel of his rough palm on mine alm. My anger at him is reduced to a low murmur in the back of my head, quieted by his touch. It feels good to touch someone again, even if the person in question betrayed me completely.

Finally, after what feels like forever, the security wanders out of the garage, the shouting of the angry man behind them fading as he harangues them about our whereabouts. Kai looks to me, then down at our clasped hands. I pull away quickly, and he clears his throat. For a second, we sit in silence, and then he breaks it.

“Evelyn, I’m sorry –”

“For what?” I drawl. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What? You didn’t,” I say, the pettiness welling up inside me uncontrollably. “I knew what you were – a cocky playboy. We joked about it. You never pretended to be something you weren’t. And yet I still fell for it.”

“Evelyn, I swear to you – ”

“Don’t,” I stand, and hold up my hand. “Don’t swear to me. You’ll just break it again. You always do, with every girl. I was no different, I guess.”

“I wanted to stay,” He insists, his eyes riveted to me. “I swear to you, I tried to stay. But you scared me, Evelyn. Seeing you in that bed, so beautiful and peaceful – I – I got scared.”

I gnaw my lip, all the nasty things I planned to say dying in my throat. His expression is so broken, fractured down the middle with pain.

“That night was the best night of my life,” Kai murmurs.

“You lied,” I say. “You said I was the only one for you.”

“You are.
God
, you are,” He exhales and runs his hand through his raven hair. “I haven’t gone out with anyone else – I can’t even think about another woman. That night haunts me, Evelyn. It was so… so
perfect
. You were
perfect
. Fuck, Evelyn, the worst thing about you is you don’t know how hot you are.”

“Shut up,” I snap, irritation mixed with a blush rising to my face.

He locks eyes with me. “If that’s what heaven’s like, I’ll gladly die every night to be with you.”

Inwardly, I feel my insides melting. Outside, I desperately cling to the anger that’s fueled me these past few months.

“How can I trust anything you say?” I ask. “You left me there, confused and alone and –”

“- Vulnerable,” He finishes, and winces. “I know. It was selfish of me. But I was so – It
was
wrong of me to leave you. I’m not going to disagree with that. I was afraid, vulnerable, but you were even more vulnerable.”

“You betrayed my trust.”

“I betrayed your trust,” He agrees, his fist clenching. All at once I don’t know what to say anymore. I had a dozen things lined up to accuse him with, but now I can’t remember any of it. He speaks first - a forced, sad smile on his face.

“Listen; you don’t have to forgive me. I don’t deserve it. You deserve to be happy, though. I know that much. And I’m sorry I was too afraid to give that to you.”

“Are you still afraid?”

He breathes out, low and long. “Yes. But that’s because I lied to you. I’m lying to you right now. I’ve lied to you since we met that night in the alleyway.”

“What?” I knit my eyebrows.

“There you are!” Mom’s voice resounds. We look up to see her jogging towards us, breathless. “I looked everywhere for you! I finally figured you’d go back to the car.”

“I should go,” Kai says quickly.

“Tell me what you meant,” I demand. Kai shoots a look at my mom.

“Not now,” He murmurs.

“Then when?”

Kai thinks for a moment, and then leans in, hair grazing his gorgeous eyes.

“If I tell you, you’ll hate me forever.”

“I don’t care. I want to know. I have to know.”

His face is so close, I can see the soft skin of his lips. His eyebrows are knit in pain.

“I’ll never forgive myself if I make you hate me any more. You’ll never talk to me again. I’ll lose you.”

“You’ve already lost me,” I murmur back. “The only chance you have at all is to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, starting right now.”

He stares into my eyes, and something in them hardens. Before I can say anything more, he turns on his heel and walks away.

Mom badgers me about Kai the whole way home. I manage to evade her questions by saying he’s a friend from school, but I can tell by her knit mouth that she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. Kai’s expression had been so pained, I almost felt like he meant what he said. But that couldn’t be right. After everything I’d heard, everything I’d seen, I knew he was a liar and a cheat. I’d convinced myself of that for months now. And the way he just walked off? He clearly doesn’t want to tell me the truth. Even after I gave that ultimatum, he just walked away. It’s the nail in the coffin.

He really,
really
doesn’t give a shit about me. He never did.

And that hurts more than his lies.

***

Concentrating at work is practically impossible these days. I surf the massive horrific trainwreck that is facebook and try not to think about Kai, or the Hildebrant scholarship dinner coming up, or Dad’s anger, or any of the problems in my life. On top of it all, my boss thinks it’s hilarious to give me nearly all the backwork from the previous secretary. I manage to get through a fourth of it when Hunter, a co-worker of mine, strides to my front desk.

“Hey Evelyn,” He flashes a tanned smile at me. I thought he used tanning booths the first time I met him, but I learned quickly he’s just crazy about hiking, running, and swimming. His tan is definitely natural. The ladies around the water cooler love to whisper about him; his straight, white smile and dark eyes and slicked-back hair make him a Clark Gable sort of dashing, and the suits he wears shows off his toned waist and shoulders. He’s harmless, and unlike most guys I know, he never flirts or tries to schmooze. Hunter’s very honest and open about his feelings and intentions, at least from what I’ve seen. The prevailing rumor among the office is he’s gay, but no one has the guts to ask him – he’s well-liked by the CEO, and it’s rumored he’s going to be promoted to Vice CEO next quarter.

“Hi,” I say. “What’s up?”

“You on your lunch break yet? There’s this neat café that opened down the road. Alice told me it was awesome. Do you wanna grab a bite with me?”

I gape a little. “M-Me?”

“Yes, you,” He laughs. “My treat.”

“This isn’t like – you aren’t –”

“Oh, come on.” Hunter grins. “It’s just me showing my appreciation to the girl who keeps our appointments running smooth. The higher-ups don’t pay you nearly enough. Consider it a bonus.”

I search his eyes for the truth, and can’t find any hidden motive. I half-sigh, half-laugh. “Alright, alright. Let me get my purse.”

We ride the elevator down together, and I’m keenly aware of how good he smells – like expensive cologne, not too much, not too little. His profile is very strong, the kind you’d seen in roman busts. No wonder the office ladies won’t stop chirping about him. He holds open the doors for me, and walks on the outside of the sidewalk, the passing cars splashing puddles on his shoes, not mine. He looks like a heartbreaker, but he certainly doesn’t act like one – he’s all politeness.

The café is small and quiet and sunny. We sit down to eat, and talk about everything from our parents to our dreams. His parents own a farm in Montana, and he’s desperately to shed the farm-boy he used to be ever since. He wants to make the company better – for both the employees and the customers – but his dream is to open a restaurant of his own someday. I tell him mine; to become a good teacher.

“Teacher, huh?” His dark eyes sparkle as he takes a sip of sparkling water.

“Not just a teacher,” I insist. “A good one. One who loves her students, and helps them however she can. School is so rough. Growing up is so rough. If I can make it a little easier for some kids, then that’s all I can ask for.”

“Awfully noble of you,” Hunter nods. “You’re very smart. You could make something of yourself in any company, and yet you want to teach. You’d give up all that money and prestige?”

“In a heartbeat,” I nod.

“Why, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I can’t tell him the truth; that a teacher ruined me. If any other teacher had noticed Mr. Dowell’s odd behavior, if any of them had opened their eyes, or noticed how down I was, maybe I would’ve turned out better. Different. Not so afraid of men, or distrustful of people’s intentions. Maybe I wouldn’t have contemplated suicide, sitting on the lip of that dam near my house. My suffering would’ve been less, if anyone had spoken up, or took the time to care.

I won’t let that happen to another student. When I’m a teacher, I’ll care. I’ll watch carefully, I’ll notice every detail of my students. They’ll always be my number one priority. I’ll be the best teacher I can be.

“People don’t pay nearly as much attention to kids these days,” I say. “We write them off as stupid, or ignorant, or selfish. But they’re none of those things. They’re smart, and they want to learn, they’ve just been told it’s too hard for them or they aren’t suited for it by the system. I want to show them their worth. I want to help them realize it. Maybe then, they’ll go into adulthood happier, and healthier, and with brighter futures ahead of them.”

Hunter’s silent, wiping his mouth with his napkin. I take a few bites of my panini, suddenly feeling shy. I must’ve sounded like a naïve idiot.

“That’s very noble,” He says again, and smiles. “I think you’ll do great.”

I look up, my eyes widening. “Really?”

“With all that conviction and willpower, I know you will. I’ve seen what you’ve done for us, how hard you work. There’s not a doubt in my mind you’ll be a great teacher.”

“Thank you,” I smile brightly.

“It’s your future students who should be saying thank you.” He laughs.

We pack up our leftovers and head back to the office, and I settle at my desk and wave as Hunter leaves for his. I feel so refreshed, so energized. I feel like I could take on the world. He’s so different from Kai – lifting me up instead of dragging me down with heavy emotion. I tackle the rest of the work the boss dumped on me, surprising even myself when I finish it a mere two hours after the day is over. The people in the office are long gone, the halls dim and eerie. I stretch, undoing my bun and letting my hair free. The buzz of my phone alerts me to two new text messages, both of them from Trist.

‘Hey! What’s Kai doing outside our apartment? He’s been sitting on the bench across from it for three hours now!’

My breath catches in my throat. The second message reads;

‘I went outside to talk to him, but he just said he was waiting for a friend, and then he left. He looked really bummed! Weird, huh?’

What the hell is he doing outside my apartment? Was he waiting for me? Part of me wants to rush home, even though he’s probably long gone by now. Part of me tries to convince myself not to care. He doesn’t care, and I don’t either. It was just a coincidence.

I see him at school, though I try to avoid his gaze. We haven’t seen each other face-to-face for so long, my wounds almost healing. I can’t risk opening them up again by talking to him, getting to close to his body. I still remember that night – I couldn’t forget it if I wanted to. He’s the serpent, and I’m Eve, in every ironic sense. I won’t let him tempt me.

It’s then I realize he’s talking to Hayley. Beautiful, tall Hayley. They laugh at something he said, his smile so big it’s like he doesn’t feel any guilt for hurting me at all. I flinch when Hayley touches his arm, and feel my face heat with something like anger. But it’s not anger at her. It’s him. It’s always been him. He’s been a player since day one, and nothing will change that.

Hayley sees me, and waves me over. Kai’s mismatched eyes find me, and I feel like disappearing into the ground. I wish I had somewhere, anywhere to hide, but I’m out in the open. I can’t even use the excuse that I didn’t see them, he caught me looking right at them.

I venture a glance at his expression, and freeze at what I see in his eyes. Regret. He’s looking at me with pain in his eyes. How dare he. How dare he look at me like that, when I’m the one who’s hurting, and when he’s the one who’s obviously moving on.

When I don’t walk over, Hayley and Kai come to me. I feel queasy, but try to hold it together.