Dissolve (6 page)

My light-headedness is fading, slowly, like the cold winter breeze is washing it away. The sky is gorgeous - a deep indigo studded by diamond stars. This far out of the city and away from smog, you can see almost every constellation.

I don’t know what to say to him - thank you seems so trite, so little for what he did for me. He heard me. He led me out here. He helped me. Or did he?
Did he just bring me out here to isolate me, like Mr. Dowell?

That voice again - the negative one, the one always waiting to convince me of the worst of the situation. Look at it logically, I coach myself; Kai helped that night with Trist. He gave me a ride home. He helped me now. He has no intention of hurting me. Someone who’s helped that much doesn’t want to hurt me. I know that. I should know that, but the voice reminds me Mr. Dowell helped, too. He gave me A’s when he shouldn’t have. He recommended me for awards he shouldn’t have. He did everything he could to help me, just to earn my trust.

“I’ll leave,” Kai says after a moment of silence, his hand shooting to the sliding glass door.

“Cassiopeia,” I blurt, pointing straight up into the sky. Kai turns.

“What?”

“Right there,” I take a breath and outline the shape in the stars. “That’s the constellation Cassiopeia. She was one of the most beautiful queens of her time.”

Kai keeps his face placid, hand dropping from the door.

“Why is she in the sky? What happened?”

A kernel of relief sprouts in me that he isn’t leaving, and I keep talking, if only to keep him here. If only to distract myself from the voice that insists he wants to hurt me.

“She was vain,” I say. “She bragged about how pretty she was all the time. Eventually, the gods got sick of it. So they stripped her of her beautiful mortal body and put her in the sky. To her, it was the ultimate punishment.”

Kai chuckles. “That’s fitting.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “Most times, the gods stuck things up there as a reward, but she’s the only one it was a punishment for. So.”

“So, she was an awful lady.” Kai concludes.

“I mean, maybe,” I sit on the patio bench tentatively. “She wasn’t real. I know that much.”

“It seems like you know a lot more than just that,” He says, sitting on the far opposite side of the bench, giving me space. There’s a quiet, and I point at three stars close together.

“That’s Orion, the hunter. He was often seen with Artemis, the goddess of the hunt. There were rumors they would get married. But her brother, Apollo, got jealous, so he sent a scorpion to kill Orion. Artemis wept, and put him in the night sky so he’d live on in the stars.”

Kai is silent, two-tone eyes searching the heavens intently. I admire his profile for a moment - his sharp eyebrows contrast his soft lips. How many girls have kissed those lips? Who was his first kiss? What was he like in high school, or middle school? I can’t imagine a Kai any shorter than his looming 6 foot 3.

“Which one is the Big Dipper?” He asks, suddenly looking at me.

“U-Uh,” I scramble as my distracted thoughts retreat into their shell. “That one. Ursa Major. The Little Dipper - Ursa Minor - is right next to it. Actually, you can find Cassiopeia by drawing a line from the Alkaid star in Ursa Major - that one right there - through Polaris, which is over here. Ta-dah! Cassiopeia.”

“Whoa,” His mouth drops open a little. “That’s amazing. How did you know that?”

“It’s nothing special. Star navigation is very well-documented,” I say. “It’s how sailors used to get around without compasses.”

“So, if I wanted to go home,” He starts. “How would I figure it out by the stars?”

“Where do you live?”

“North Hills.”

“So, that’s north, right?” My mind brings up a mental map of the city. When I first moved here, I took the bus and looked at the route map so often I practically memorized it. “North Hills is east of Riverside. Riverside is south-west of us. So you’d want to go directly south.” I point at Polaris. “The North Star. Head in the opposite direction of that from here, and you’ll eventually get home, as long as you can stand a few forests and off-road areas. And raccoons. And maybe also skunks.”

Kai laughs, the sound echoing in the empty yard. “You’re really something, huh?”

“Not especially. Like I said - it’s well-documented.”

“It might not be anything special to you, lioness, but I’ve never met a girl who’s studied how to get home with the stars.”

I flush, refusing to look at him. “I’m sure you’ll meet more in the future. There are lots of girls who know this.”

Kai fixes his eyes on me, a faint smile playing at his lips.

“No. I don’t think there are.”

Something in my chest twists hard. The way he’s looking at me is wrong - it’s the same way he looks at his multitude of other girls - sweetly pretending like he cares about them and what they say. I stand abruptly and clutch my drink.

“I need to go. Thank you for bringing me out here, but please don’t help me anymore.”

He furrows his eyebrows, but before he can open his mouth to ask anything, I slip inside the noisy house. The crowd jostles me as I head downstairs. Someone grabs my hand, and I whirl around. It’s Kai, panting like he ran.

“Did I do something wrong?” He shout-asks over the music.

“No,” I shout back. “No, it’s not you. Please just…leave me alone. Go back to your date.”

His expression is off, pained, almost like an abandoned dog. But he steels himself in the blink of an eye - his usual cocky smirk looking somehow forced, this time.

“If that’s what you really want, lioness.”

“It is.” I set my jaw. It’s a lie. I don’t want him to leave me alone. I want to talk with him more about the stars. About anything and everything. But it isn’t right - he doesn’t want to do that. Guys like him only want one thing, and it sure as hell isn’t romantically talking about stars, or talking, period.

“Alright,” He laughs, though something about it sounds brittle. “That’s it, then. You stay safe, you hear me? And bring your umbrella wherever you go. I’d hate to hear you died of pneumonia.”

This is the part where I’m supposed to walk away, gracefully and tactfully. It’s supposed to end here, before he can slot me into the ‘just another of his many girls’ stable. But I can’t help the words that fall from my mouth, half out of tipsiness, half out of raging curiosity.

“Why do you care?” I ask. Kai doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me. The music around us seems to fade, the people suddenly seem so far-away and inconsequential. All that exists in that moment are his stunning eyes, pulling me in, trying to tell me something his words won’t.

But then he leans in, and his mouth spills his secrets all over mine.

His lips are velvet, expertly caressing mine. His body heat and smell are suddenly everywhere - pepper and leather and aftershave - and I’m boiling from the inside out. He’s so tall, everywhere, surrounding me. For a moment, I almost feel safe. For a moment I feel like I’m the only one in the world. My body aches - my chest, my heart, between my thighs. I want more. I know this kiss means nothing, that I mean nothing to him in the sea of girls he has, that he’s just playing with me like a toy, but god I want more of his mouth, his skin, his touch. My arms twitch, begging to circle around his neck, to bring him closer. My body begs for him in a way I didn’t even know it was capable of. I hate the idea of sex. But my body definitely does not hate the idea of
him
.

It’s my first kiss, and my last kiss.

This is why they all fall for him - his kiss. He traps them with the lightest, molten-hot kiss, and they melt. I can’t melt. I am stone, and steel.

I can’t let anyone in. I can’t let anyone hurt me again.

This is what he does to every girl. It means nothing. He’s treating me like a disposable doll.

I pull away, and my hand rears back before I can control it.

The sound of flesh-on-flesh pierces through the party noise like a knife. The crowd around us goes quiet, then the crowd around them. It moves like a ripple, everyone suddenly staring at us in hushed whispers. But I can only stare at Kai, his face red with my handprint and his eyes shocked. My own are blurry with tears.

“Fuck you,” I whisper. “Fuck you, Kai Jackson.”

I shoulder my way through the crowd as fast as I can. People part for me, but not because someone’s leading me - because I’m
furious
. I wipe at my eyes with my arm, trying to get rid of the tears before anyone can see them, but it’s too late. I shove out of the front doors, Trist faintly calling after me as she follows me outside and to the car.

FOUR

It’s impossible for me to sleep that night. And the next night. As far as I know, Kai’s cursed me with insomnia. Or blessed me. At least I don’t have the nightmares when I’m not asleep. I’d say I deserve it, but he deserved that slap more.

Or so Trist thinks.

“He’s so full of himself,” She scoffs. “How dare he just kiss you whenever he feels like it. He didn’t even consider what you wanted.”

“I told him I wanted him to leave me alone.”

“See? Exactly. He ignored you and did whatever he wanted. I knew he was a player, but I had no idea he was such an ass.”

I stir my coffee and frown. It’s easy to convince yourself hitting someone seems like a good idea at the time, but after three days, the adrenaline of it has worn off, and I’m left with crippling doubt. I’d never hit anyone in my life - was I right to do it? Trist assures me I was, but I’m not so sure. Obviously, if a guy invaded my space, I’d have no problem fighting back. I’d learned the hard way I’d have to fight back. I didn’t lash out at Mr. Dowell because I was young, terrified, and convinced he’d hurt me if I fought back. But Kai is not Mr. Dowell. Kai kissed me, and I didn’t hate it at all. I didn’t even know I burned to kiss him until that moment. I liked it, and I still lashed out. I don’t know what part of me is responsible for that - the part young and scared, or the part older and scared of the spark I felt between me and Kai’s lips.

To get my mind off things, Trist insists we go to a movie after she’s done with work. She hugs me tight, and tells me to text her if I need anything. I watch her go. She’s so sweet, but I don’t even know what I need right now. Peace and quiet is a start. And maybe a pastry.

I take a shower and head down to the local coffee shop. It feels weird to be out and about, probably not helped by the fact I’m sleep deprived. I’m not paying attention at all when I bump into the girl in front of me. Her iced tea spills all over my shirt, and she swears.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry.”

“No, ugh, this was my fault.” I look up to see flame-red hair, left long and shining, and a flawless porcelain complexion. Hayley - the girl who was with Kai that night at the club.

“Don’t be silly,” She smiles. “Here, let me at least get you a spare shirt. I have one in my trunk. I’ll be right back.”

I wince awkwardly as people stare at my brown-stained shirt. At least it wasn’t a good shirt. Hayley comes back, shoving a wadded white t-shirt that says MONTCREST SWIMMING TEAM on the front.

“I think the bathroom’s over there,” She points. I nod and go change. I emerge with my half-wet shirt balled in my fist and walk over to Hayley, who’s sipping a new tea.

“I got this for you,” She motions to a cinnamon bun on the table. “As an apology.”

“You’ve already done so much. Thanks.”

“No problem. I’ve had my share of shitty days - didn’t want to make yours one.”

“I’ll wash this shirt,” I say, picking at the bun. “And give it back to you.”

“Nah. Keep it. It looks good on you. Plus they handed out, like, five to everyone because they made a printing error. Gotta love incompetent team captains.”

She laughs, and I smile. Hayley’s really nice. Genuinely. I’d been expecting a huge bitch, but that goes to show how shallow I was for judging her on her gorgeous appearance alone. There’s a quiet, and then she sticks out her hand.

“I’m Hayley.”

“Evelyn,” I shake her hand.

“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” She cocks her head. “You look familiar.”

“I, um. I was there at Club Strike, on Thursday night.”

“Oh!” She claps her hands. “That’s where I saw you! Kai wouldn’t stop glaring at you, so I told him to knock it off. God, I dodged a bullet with him. A sexy bullet. But it was still a bullet.”

I furrow my brow, and she smiles and waves her hand.

“It was just a fling. You know him, right? Kai Jackson. The guy with the motorcycle and amazing eyes. God his eyes alone were enough for me to start flirting.” Her laugh gets louder. “I thought he was a different guy, and then I slept with him, and, well. He’s definitely something. But so closed off, you know?”

I focus extremely hard on my cinnamon roll. She sighs.

“I’d do it all over again, if I could. He was amazing, except for the part where I wasn’t what he was looking for. I could tell. I could just see it in the way he looked at me. He was searching for someone, and it wasn’t me.”

She smiles up at me. “Sorry about that. I get lost in thought a lot, and I’m in a sort-of-but-not-really-post-breakup-phase.”