Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (18 page)

Ned leant over to me and said, “Don’t get any ideas.  If anyone’s doing the housework in the buff, it’s
you! 
Although I quite like the idea of a little lace pinny. Hmmm, think I feel a birthday idea coming on!”

#7  Food was excellent and we moved  swiftly on to the speeches.  All very funny and quite risqué - Meg & George blushed several times but they’re very open-minded.  Nic made a touching tribute to me and presented me with the most amazing bouquet of flowers saying I was his ‘Homo-Honey!’

He does so love to wind Ned up.

#8  Heard Piers and Tom arguing again.  Piers felt the cleaner should come on a Monday between 10 and 12 when
he
was at home but Tom felt he should come on a Wednesday between 4 and 6 when
he
was at home!  Heard Mrs S threaten to bash their silly little girlie boy heads together if they didn’t stop bickering - then she actually made them kiss and make up before strutting her little Indian tush over to the DJ to ask if he’d be playing some Barry later.

#9 The disco started at about 8 and the dance floor was never empty.  Meg & George did a brilliant ‘Lambada’ and Nic boasted that he got his dancing skills from them.

Sure he didn’t learn the pole dancing from his mother though.  He spent a lot of the evening getting very familiar with a pillar on the edge of the dance floor and he’d obviously been practising his art.

His audience loved it and Rick looked on admiringly - all the encouragement he needed for a few repeat performances.

Evening ended with us all doing the conga - snaking in and out of the room via entrances and exits and then through the gardens and back again.  Got some strange looks from the other party as both Nic & Rick had ‘just married’ signs on their backs and empty cans tied to their legs.

Meg looked flushed and dishevelled and she flopped into a chair giggling, “Don’t suppose there’s any ‘Pink Cock’ left, do you Ned?”  Mrs S nodded happily in agreement, chignon askew and sari happily being flapped up and down across her knees.

Ned nodded his head resignedly, “Oh I’m sure there is ladies.  I’m sure there is.”

Monday 25
^th
August  AM

Still recovering from the wedding - feel like I’ve done a hard day in the gym (although that’s a distant memory).  Really should dance more often.  Must try it around the house while cleaning or hoovering.

Quick phone call to Mrs S this morning to check she was still alive and kicking.  “Oh, Libbybeta.  My head is pounding like bongo drum.  It is Babycham only for me from now on.  I am very much hoping that Krishna will strike me down if I ever touch another ‘Pink Cock’ again.”

Might take some explaining to Pritesh.  But not a conversation I feel
I
should be having with him.

Now that the puppies have gone off to their respective homes we’ve realised we need to book Dog in to get his tubes tied.

Spent a while over breakfast explaining to Max that Dog would be going to hospital soon as he needed an operation to make sure he didn’t have any more puppies.

Answered all the expected questions.  “Will he be OK?”  “Will they take good care of him?”  “How long will he be gone for?”

Wasn’t expecting the biggie though.

“Did
you
have a tummy operation and that’s why I don’t have any brothers or sisters?”

Didn’t really know where to go with that one so just replied, “No Hon, it’s just because some people are only meant to have one very special baby.  And you’re ours.  But you’re very lucky to have such lovely friends who are a
bit
like brothers and sisters.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same is it?  I
really
want one.”

‘Stuffed Dog’ was only a temporary fix so I don’t hold out much hope of ‘Feeding/PeeingDolly’ doing the trick!

Discuss with Ned tonight.

PM

Didn’t get round to ‘Max’s sibling expectations’ with Ned, as we were too busy mulling over our finances.

The new oven arrives tomorrow - four hundred quid.

Booked Dog in for his girlie op - another hundred and twenty quid.

Ned looked thoroughly depressed and said once we’ve paid the school fees in September that would be our rainy day fund pretty much gone.

Reminded him he’s due a bonus around Christmas so we should be OK for the spring and summer fees.

“Doesn’t give us much of a buffer though, does it Lib?”

Could see his point but told him there were always ways to balance the books.  Like cutting back. (But on what? Wine is my only remaining luxury but then what would I give Fenella to drink?  Or
myself,
for that matter?).  A new career for me?  (Cake baking and floristry were out).  Donating bits of ourselves to medical science? (Check how much Lou could have got for the bits of Cam she was threatening to dispose of).

We managed a chuckle and agreed that a line on the lottery this weekend was probably a more realistic option.

Tuesday 26
^th
August  AM

Took Dog & Dot, Splodge & Brown (Fenella’s chosen puppies) for a long walk with Fenella and the kids.

Had a pub lunch and told Fenella that Dog was booked in for his op tomorrow. Max sidled up to Fenella and asked, “Have
you
had the tummy operation or will you have more babies?”

Fenella looked at me with amusement and a definite look of panic as she considered her answer.

“No gorgeous, I haven’t had an operation but I don’t think I’ll have any more babies.”

This wasn’t enough for Max.

“Why not?  If your tummy still works, you
could.”

I shot Fenella a ‘sorry’ look but couldn’t think of anything to say that might bail her out.

“Well you see ….” she continued, “My tummy didn’t quite work properly in the first place so I needed a bit of help from the doctors to help put Todd and Charlotte there.”

Max quickly cottoned on to this fact and gushed excitedly, “So,
we
could get a doctor to help put a baby in
Mummy’s
tummy.  I’m gonna talk to Daddy tonight!”  And he ran off to play with Todd and Charlotte, his ‘only child status’ solved.

Fenella looked mortified.  “God, Lib, I’m so sorry.  I’ve made things worse haven’t I?”

Told her not to worry and then giggled.  “Can’t wait to see how Ned deals with Max’s solution tonight though!”

PM

Dog not happy being denied any tid-bits after his dinner - how do you explain to an animal that they’re on ‘nil by mouth’?  Dread to think what he’ll be like when he’s not offered his gourmet breakfast in the morning.  Must remember to boil him up some special chicken and rice for tomorrow night after his gynaecological ordeal.

Ned put Max to bed and read him a story while I finished preparing dinner.

When we
finally
sat down to eat, (Ned’s such a soft touch -“Just one more page Daddy.”), Ned tucked into his ‘Fishy Pasta Passion’ (MG, of course) with a slightly bemused look.

We then went on to have the most bizarre conversation, which we’ll remind Max of when he’s a teenager.

Ned started it off with:

“So …  Maxie boy tells me we’re off to the docs to stick a baby in your belly?  Do
I
need to get involved at all with this?”

“Oh God, Ned.  How did you deal with it?”

(Silently prayed that the birds and the bees conversation hadn’t taken place.  (a) Max has only just turned five.  (b) Ned is Ned!  (c) The dead chicken!)

“Well, after he’d insisted that Fenella had done it twice so it must be very easy, I told him that it wasn’t actually that easy
and
cost a lot of money.  Think I ended it with, ‘Sorry mate.  We don’t have enough pennies in the bank’.”

“So did he accept that?”

“Nope.  Said he’s going to save all his pocket money from now on so that he can eventually pay for a brother or sister himself.”

“Oh.  Looks like I’ll be pregnant again when I’m about ninety then?”

“Yep.  And he’s also going to talk to the vet about it tomorrow.  Thinks he might get more information from a professional.”

Great, my inability to conceive is now going to sorted out by a bit of animal husbandry!  Hope the vet’s a woman and can see the funny side.

Wednesday 27
^th
August

Dog’s Op Day

Dog looked like a condemned man as we herded him into the car with a grumbling tum.

Arrived at the surgery in plenty of time and sat down to wait with a couple of other patients and their owners.