Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (15 page)

PM

Early night.

Mum arrives at six tomorrow morning to house-sit and we’re off for fun & frolics in Scotland.

Can’t wait for a bit of ‘normality’.

Saturday 5
^th
July

In Tilly at last!

Think I’ve overdosed on wine and Galliano hot shots, so will keep it short as I need to sleep.

Journey horrendous - “Are we nearly there?  How much further?  Is
this
where they live?” from Max - and that was only at Shepherd’s Bush! 

Also, if I’d had to hear Ringo singing ‘Octopus’s Garden’ one more time, I swear I wouldn’t have been responsible for my actions.

Begged Ned to put nursery rhyme CD on just for a bit of variation - wouldn’t have thought ‘Ten Green Bottles’ would be so refreshing and I could sing along with such gusto.

Anyway, we’re here and I’m off to have a lovely sleep - once ‘Octopus’s Garden’ stops going round on a loop inside my head.

Sunday 6
^th
July

Woke to scorching sun.  Hello?  This is Scotland and all I’ve packed is winter gear.  Can’t borrow from Lou as she’s about half the size of me (I’d put it down to hiking up hills but Lou’s idea of exercise is twisting the lid off a bottle of Scotch).  Console myself with differing metabolism theory.

Felt very sweaty eating my ‘Full-Scottish-Breakfast’ complete with black pudding, flat sausages and potato pancakes.

Great!  Now even the jeans I brought are too tight.

Lou and I went off to a local car boot sale for a spot of retail therapy ‘Pauper-Style’, leaving our menfolk to whatever it is they get up to.

The expedition was reminiscent of our college days when, both smokers then, nothing would delight us more than buying a full outfit that cost “less than a packet of fags!”

Grabbed ourselves some fantastic bargains.  The upside of having a best friend who shares the same guilty secret but not the same jean size is that way we never need to fight over who gets the Joseph top (me today) or the FCUK skirt (Lou).

Got a bit frustrated with Lou after she’d called home for the third time in an hour, “Just to check on the boys.”  Always forget about her paranoia until I’m actually with her.  It’s one of her endearing little quirks, and I know it’s because she loves Finn so much, but I’m sure
one
of the dads would have intervened if aliens had tried to abduct him.

Lou must have read my mind. “Well, you never know”, she said, “Finn could have fallen down the stairs or something.  You know how clumsy he is.”

And that’s Lou - every spot is meningitis, every headache a brain tumour and there’s a paedophile lurking around every corner.

Must be all that nervous energy that keeps her so skinny.

Went to the local park in the afternoon, where Finn was told not to run in case he fell over and not to go near any dogs because they might bite.

Lou just about relaxed over a bottle or two of wine when the boys went to bed - although she did go up and down stairs six times to check that Finn was breathing and didn’t have a temperature.

“Cot death isn’t just restricted to babies yeh know Lib.”

Just as well we love our friends, warts and all.

Monday 7
^th
July

I also forget how disorganised Lou is.

A weekly food shop just
never
happens but regular visits to the Co-Op opposite do - sometimes right up until closing time at 10, even though Cam, Ned or I have been sent at different stages through the day/afternoon/evening to get emergency supplies.

Last night she started to make the gravy - no stock.  Trip to Co-Op #1

Then she decided she wanted to make a garlic and red wine gravy.  Trip #2

Max & Finn were thirsty.  Apple juice carton empty.  Trip #3

And finally … realised we had no crackers for the cheese later.  Trip #4

Eventually sat down to eat at about 10.30, but almost too tired to eat it.

Tuesday 8
^th
July

Another forgotten trait - when Lou gets drunk, she
always
makes a play for Ned!

Cam
& I just take it in good humour because we know she doesn’t mean anything by it and Ned usually just looks a bit embarrassed.

Last night was no exception.  We’d finished off the last of the second bottle of Galliano and were all rather merry.  It was clear that Lou was exceptionally so, because she hadn’t checked on Finn for about an hour.

“And now I’m gonna perch ma wee botty on this gorgeous man’s lap”, she slurred as she made her way towards Ned.  “Och, we’ve missed our Neddie, haven’t we Cam?”

“Aye, Hen”, Cam looked at me and giggled. A ‘here we go again’ look on his face.

“What’s it feel like to have a bit o’ Scottish totty on yer strappin’ thighs, eh?”  By this point her eyes were positively crossed.

But I’ve never seen someone sober up so quickly as when Finn walked into the room clutching his teddy bear.

“Och ma wee lamb”, she said as she jumped from Ned’s lap towards Finn.  “Have yeh a tummy ache?  Tell Mummy where it hurts.  D’yeh need some Calpol?”

And that’s my best friend - an incorrigible flirt (but only ever with
my
husband and in my vision) and a totally disorganised but loving mother and wife.

Realised why I love coming to Tilly so much.

Wednesday 9
^th
July

Spent the day at Strathclyde Park - we hate it but the boys are just about old enough to enjoy it properly so we do it for them.

Finn was allowed on any rides that Lou had given the full once over for safety and security but she didn’t go on any herself as we’d had another bit of a heavy session last night and she said she didn’t want to go puking her breakfast up over the people below.  At least we got to spend time together having a girlie gossip and slagging off any slappers we could spot - a favourite college pastime of ours.

“Wear your posh charity shop dress tonight Lib”, Lou told me.  “Me and Cam have a surprise for yeh. And make sure that hunk of a husband of yours wears sommat decent too.”

A surprise?  Lou had managed to be organised enough to plan a surprise?

Now that’s one in itself.

PM

We were sent to our room and told to beautify ourselves for later.

Of course we were also given sole custody of Max and Finn (Lou would find it impossible to keep an eye on them
and
organise our surprise) so it didn’t make for a relaxing time.

Max was teetering around in my boots and a bra and Finn was experimenting as a makeup artist on the ‘Rocky Horror Show’ with my
brand new
lipstick.  Ned was oblivious to it all and read a book.

And then I heard Lou scream, “Cam, get to the bloody Co-op,  I’ve nae got any butter!”

Thursday 10
^th
July 

One more thing I choose to forget about Lou (or me & Lou).  We always manage to have at least one massive barney during our time together.

This time it just happened to blow up during last night’s ‘surprise’ - a lovely dinner and cake in honour of my birthday as they won’t be at my party in August.

Everything had been going really well.  Max and Todd had gone off to bed early, Lou had made a beautiful job of the table and the food was actually on time, delectable and with no further trips to the Co-op.

The wine had probably been flowing a little too rapidly and I should have realised that’s the sign when one of us will usually start with the Spat of the Year.

Lou kicked this one off with, “So, Lib.  You’re not really gonna go through with this private school crap are yeh?”

Cam
almost choked on his Brie and mumbled something about ‘Shut yer geggie, Lou!’

“I mean, come on, yeh know it’s gonna cripple yeh and they’re just not your sort of people”, she continued.

Tried to defend myself by telling her we know exactly what we’re doing and feel it’s the right thing for Max.  The papers are always running stories about ordinary people turning to private education and surely, if they felt they were in a position to do it for Finn, they might consider it?

“Like hell I would,” she spat back.  “I wouldn’t want him going all hoity toity on me.”

Opened my mouth to speak but was instantly gunned down again, “You’ll only make yourself miserable Lib.  You’ll have nothing in common with them and they’ll sniff you out before you can say ‘Primark!’”