Delete: Volume 3 (Shifter Series) (17 page)

“Nothing,” I said. “Never mind.”

“It’s hard, sometimes, accepting this life.” She stared up at the dark skies overhead. “We rage against it. ‘I am the master of my fate. I am the master of my soul,’” she said.

“What’s that?”

She handed me her lighter and I saw the words she had spoken engraved on the casing. “It’s from a poem. It was my husband’s favourite.”

I handed it back to her. “Where is he?”

She looked down at the lighter in her hand. “He died three years ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “It feels a long time ago now.”

I was surprised at how pragmatic she seemed over the death of her husband. “What happened to him?”

“He was my co-pilot. We were on a drop mission when we were fired upon. The helicopter went down. I walked away. He didn’t.”

I didn’t know what to say. A host of empty platitudes ran through my mind. I settled on a quote I remembered seeing in my flat by an old general. “May God have mercy for my enemies, because I won’t.”

“Oh, this was not the enemy,” she said. “We were fired upon by our own side. A strange English phrase: ‘friendly fire’? I can assure you, it really is not that friendly.” She slipped the lighter back into her pocket. “It’s ironic, I suppose. He was never the master of his own fate. None of us are.”

I stared up at her, her small face framed by the red beret. I remember thinking that exact thing when I was lying in a hospital bed, having narrowly missed being blown up on a Tube.

“What’s going on here?” It was Zac. “Why do neither of you have a drink in your hands?”

“Ah, what I wouldn’t give for some real champagne!” Ladoux said, suddenly changing tone, as if we hadn’t just been talking about death.

“When the war is over, I’ll get you a magnum of the finest champagne there is!” Zac raised his plastic cup in her direction.

“Ah, but Captain, this war will never truly be over.
Au revoir
, Commandant.” And with that, she walked out into the dark.

“I wonder where she’s off to,” Zac said. “Probably going to find Hedges. The two of them are always sneaking away together.”

I didn’t say anything. What Ladoux and Hedges got up to was none of my business.

Zac carried on. “She’s a funny one.” He nudged me with his knee to make room, and sat down on the step next to me. “Almost as weird as you.”

I sighed. “Can’t you leave me alone?” I snapped, the memory of Aubrey in his arms heating my blood despite the chill of the evening.

“What’s got into you?” he said. “I mean, you’ve been a prickly bastard for the past few years, but I thought you’d started to soften again.”

“Nothing’s got into me. Why don’t you go back inside and carry on showing off?”

“Showing off?
Moi
?” He held his hand to his chest in mock offence. But he wasn’t going anywhere. “Is this about the sniper?”

“No. What about him?”

“Only…” He looked down at his fingers. “The barrel on his rifle was loose, as if he’d been dismantling it. There was no way he could have shot you with it.”

I stared at him, my head filled guilt and anger.

He held his hands up. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything. I know you, Tyler. You had your reasons, I’m sure.”

If only he knew that my real reasons had been nothing but cowardice, I’m not sure he would be bothering to talk to me. I stared ahead, hoping that he would leave me alone.

“Come on, Tyler,” he said. “You can tell me. Time was, you told me everything. Remember that? When we’d sit around and you’d tell me all about your family, about what girls you liked.”

I flinched.

“That’s it!” he said, his face lighting up in glee. “It’s a girl? Jones!” He held up his finger like Sherlock Holmes coming to a genius conclusion.

I turned away from him, my face too red to bother trying to deny it.

“Do you want me to put a word in? She and I go way back, you know.”

“Yes, I know all about you and your history.”

“What are you on about, Tyler? Hang on, you don’t mean… you’re worried about me? And her?” He burst out laughing, clapping his hands together.

“What’s so funny?” I said, standing up to get away from him.

“You think… You can’t remember…” He could hardly get the words out, he was laughing so much.

“Shut up!” I shouted. The harshness of my tone snapped him out of it.

He stood up, level with me thanks to the higher step he was standing on. “Scott, you have nothing to worry about in regards to me and Aubrey.”

“Oh, no?”

“No. Because I’m gay.”

It took a moment for what he was saying to sink in. “Gay? But… But you weren’t, in my reality.”

He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Oh, believe me, Tyler, I am gay in every reality. It’s the way I was made. You know, you were much cooler about this the first time I told you.”

“I’m cool about it now,” I said, embarrassed at myself. “I am. It’s only… I always thought that you and Aubrey had been a thing.”

“Oh, maybe when I was younger and I was still working this whole sexuality thing out, I might have considered it. You know, she’s amazing. But nope. I’m all gay. All the way.”

He slapped me gently around the face. “So stop being such a prick and come inside. And if you’re really good, I’ll tell Aubrey what a great guy you are, OK?”

“I’m such an idiot,” I said, shaking my head.

“Don’t worry about it,” Zac said, looking over my shoulder. “Besides, I think we’ve got much bigger things to worry about.”

I turned to see what he was looking at. Cain strode towards us, a very unimpressed look on his face.

“Busted,” Zac said.

“Who wants to explain what is going on here, then?” Cain shouted at us, after we’d all lined up in front of the bunks. “Hmm? No one? Have you all suddenly become mute? Well, that’s quite a relief, as it means I won’t have to put up with all your tiresome chit-chat when you ask for things like rec time or food.”

He strode up and down, his hands clasped behind him.

“What’s that?” he said, stopping in front of Turner. “Did you say something?”

Turner flushed and croaked something that I couldn’t hear from my end of the line.

“You were celebrating?” Cain roared. “And what exactly were you celebrating? Has the war ended without anyone informing me? Well? Speak up, girl!”

“No,” Turner stuttered.

“No, what?”

“No, sir!” Turner shouted.

“I did not think so. Which means that I need every one of my men to be in tiptop condition. The enemy could strike at any point. Do we have a problem, Unwin?”

I risked peering around Zac, who was standing next to me. Unwin looked decidedly green and bit both his lips together as if desperately trying to stop something from escaping out of his mouth. He failed, doubling over and emptying the contents of his stomach onto the floor in front of Cain.

Cain took the longest time to look down, staring straight ahead for, I counted, thirty seconds. He then stepped away, shaking his boot clean.

Unwin was on the floor, spluttering his apologies and trying to wipe the sergeant’s boot clean with the sleeve of his shirt. Something within Cain seemed to change. He looked down at Unwin on all fours, and a smile inched across his face. And then he burst out laughing. He laughed so much, he had to bend over and rest both hands on his knees.

A look passed among the squad, not sure what to do. Was this some kind of test?

Cain finally straightened up and wiped a tear from his milky eye. “Someone get this man a glass of water. And while you’re at it, get me a glass of whatever hooch you are drinking.”

And that was it. The tension vanished, and a few minutes later, the music was blasting again. Cain caught my eye and winked, the action making his whole face fold up like a crumpled ball of paper.

“You want?” Aubrey had joined me in my corner, holding the canteen in her hand.

“God, no,” I said. I didn’t want to end up like Unwin, who was now lying on the grass outside. “What’s that made of, anyway?”

“I find it’s best not to ask. There’s probably some petrol in it somewhere.” She twisted the lid tight on the bottle and laid it on the bunk bed next to us. “How are you holding up?”

“Me? Oh, fine, you know.”

“Feeling any less…” She made the corkscrew gesture next to her temple.

“I still don’t remember, if that’s what you mean.”

She nudged me with her hip and smiled. “Good.” And with a look that confused the hell out of me while also making my stomach dance, she wandered off to join the party again.

“Not joining in, Tyler?” Cain said.

“I’m not a very good dancer, sir.”

“Neither are any of them. But they’re having fun. You should try it sometime.”

“I’ll be sure to do that,” I said. “When…”

“When the war’s over, hey?” Cain said.

“I guess.”

“Well, that may come sooner than you think.”

“What they’ve been saying about the treaty, then, it’s true?”

“All I know,
officially
, is that Emperor Tzen is arriving at oh nine hundred tomorrow,” he said with a happy smile. “Unofficially, I would say that there will be a lot more celebrating in the days to come. But in the meantime, life doesn’t stick around, Tyler. Take it from me. You can wait years hoping for something, all while you miss the fact that what you were looking for was right in front of you all along.”

Aubrey was leading the team in some kind of line dance, getting them all to jump left and right. They were all making a complete shambles of it and having a great time doing so.

Cain slapped me on the shoulder so hard, I thought my knees might break. “Don’t waste the good times, Tyler.”

He nodded towards Aubrey, who was gesturing for me to join in the dance.

“Yes, sir.” I stood up to join her, then Unwin came staggering in. He bounced off me.

“Sorry, Com!”

“That’s OK.”

He bent over, his hands on his knees. “Give me a sec. I’m gonna see if I can Shift myself sober.” His Ss all slurred into each other, so I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him right.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Shift,” he said, tapping at his beret. “You know? Shhhiiiifffttt.”

I grabbed him by the arm and pulled his beret off his head. Under the hat, running across his temple, was a livid red scar.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I stalked over to Williamson and yanked his beret off, too.

“Oi!” he said, brushing his hair back into place.

I let the hat fall to the floor.

“Com, what’s going on?” Zac said.

They were all staring at me like I’d gone crazy. “Nothing,” I said. “I… I’ve had too much to drink.”

I pushed Zac aside and ran for the door. I needed some air.

Unwin and Williamson were Shifters. Ladoux and Hedges, maybe? How many others in S3 had been through the process? Shifters and soldiers working side by side, that’s what Cain had said. Closer than I could have ever imagined.

I’d been working alongside adult Shifters for days now. The very people I’d been tasked to arrest – the people I’d come to loathe. How hadn’t I noticed?

I sensed him there, smiling again.

Took you long enough,
he said, mocking me.

I was really, really starting to hate myself.

How could he be this happy about it? What kind of animal had I become? Because, if there were adult Shifters in the army, that could only mean that Project Ganymede was still in operation.

I heard the door open behind me. I didn’t need to turn to know it was Aubrey. I could smell her perfume, recognise the sound of her boots on the steps.

“Scott,” Aubrey said, resting her hand on my shoulder. “You’re scaring me.”

“The squad,” I said, refusing to face her.

“What about them?”

“They’re Shifters.”

“And?” she said, as if waiting for the real news. “All of S3 are Shifters.”

“The whole division? That’s nearly four hundred men!”

“It’s why we’re called the Special Shifting Service.”

I’d been so stupid. I assumed it was soldiers supporting Shifters. Like the Regulators back at ARES. Not that every man and woman in the S3 had the power.

“What’s the matter, Scott? I’m scheduled to have the op too, when the time comes. You too, Scott. All senior Shifting officers are.”

“No!” I said. “Never.”

“Why not, Scott? We need you. You can’t let a power like yours go to waste.”

“The price is too high.”

“The operation? I know it’s dangerous, but it’s worth it.”

Where were they getting the volunteers for their programme now? And then, a horrible realisation dawned.

“The reintegration programme.”

“You mean where the kids who flunk out of basic training go? What about it?”

“What is it?” I closed my eyes, hoping that she didn’t know. Because if she did know, and if she accepted it, then everything I’d been fighting for over the past few days was worthless. Aubrey wouldn’t be the person I wanted her to be.

“I’m not sure. I guess they learn skills to reintegrate into society. It’s a place in South London somewhere. But what’s this got to do with you not wanting the operation?”

Relief washed over me. She didn’t know. She was my Aubrey still. With a heart and a soul that this war hadn’t robbed her of, like it was threatening to do to me.

“I need to take you there. You need to see.”

“What, now?”

“Yes. Now.”

“Scott, I think you should see the doc.”

I grabbed hold of her by both arms. “Do you trust me?” I said, looking into her eye.

“You’re my senior officer.”

“Not like that. I don’t mean, will you follow my orders. I mean, do you trust me?”

She scanned my face, as if looking for an answer. “I’ve only just met you.”

“What does your gut say?”

“It says you’re probably crazy, but yes, I trust you.”

“Then we don’t have much time. But first…” I pulled out my phone: army issue, a chunky satellite phone.

“Hello, can I help you?” a clipped voice said.

“Can I speak to Morgan?” I said.

“Mr Morgan is–”

“It’s Commandant Tyler,” I said, cutting her off. “And I need to speak to him now!”