Deeper We Fall (2 page)

“Well, you do have a problem,” he said, hopping into the bed to pull a box forward. “Did you bring enough stuff? Seriously, where are you going to put all these books?”

“It’s not my fault that my car decided to shit the bed. Stupid transmission.”

“I told you to take it in when you started hearing those noises,” he said in an I-told-you-so voice.

I rolled my eyes at him and stumbled into the dorm, nearly bowling several other students over. Will thought I was insane for taking so many books, but I just couldn’t leave them behind.

“Dude, elevator’s this way,” Will called behind me.

“Don’t call me dude,” I threw over my shoulder as I squished myself against the wall so a few people could pass. I’d been in this building one other time during orientation, but that had been months ago . Logically, the elevator should have been right in the front of the building, but it wasn’t.

I managed to rotate myself around and follow Will’s mop of blonde hair to the elevator where we were crammed in with three other students and all their crap. My books were important. A framed poster of some moronic boy band wasn’t. Will was busy trying to catch the eye of the girl carrying said poster, and he succeeded, giving her what he thought was a roguish wink that made her face go red. Honestly.

I glared at him and he gave me an innocent look as if to say, “I can’t help it.” He was hopeless.

Will just had a mutual break-up with his girlfriend, Kandy, and he was a free man for the first time in a year and a half. Looked like he was going to make the most of it.

Will and I stumbled out of the elevator on the fourth floor and down the hall to my room. We were early, so my roommate wasn’t there yet.

The room was just as I remembered, square, white, sterile, boring. Bleach and fresh paint fumes seeped into my nose, giving a new meaning to my fresh start. It was time to make this place mine now. New place, new life, new me.

Zan

I stared up at the dorm building and it reminded me of The William H. Carter Center, the Maine state juvenile facility. I’d only been sentenced to one year there, but one year was more than enough. The day I’d gone in, it had been raining. At least the sun was out today. At least that was different.

This building was also made of brick, but there were no bars on the windows. No metal detectors. No threatening guards. People passed by me, and I shifted away from them by instinct. I made sure to keep my eyes down, my shoulders hunched. I’d learned that much at Carter. Lay low, stay safe.

Hard to do when you’re 6’4.

“Dude, are you going to fucking stand there all day?” Zack said, shoving me from behind. My anger flashed, and my fist dived out toward him before I could even think. Zack ducked; he was used to it by now.

“Calm down. You can’t afford to lose it here.” He touched my shoulder, grounding me back in my new reality. The new clothes my mother had bought me were stiff, and I couldn’t wait to ditch them and go back to my regular t-shirts and jeans with holes in them.

The new outfit was supposed to be part of my new image. Clean cut, normal. Safe.

The sleeves covered the scars that roped their way around my left arm, and the other scars on my wrists. But there was something else they couldn’t cover. I could cut my hair and change my clothes, but nothing could change the thing that hovered over me. The thing that people saw when they looked at me, the thing that made them look away and cross to the other side of the street.

“Bro?” Zack said, taking me out of my reverie. “You just going to stare at it or help me get my junk in? I have to get to the gym.”

Zack was on the first floor, so we got his stuff out first, since it was on top of mine. He also had more stuff than I did. Another thing I learned at Carter. Don’t care about things, because you’ll probably lose them. Mom had wanted us to room together, but Zack and I had agreed that we didn’t want to. He didn’t want his black sheep brother dragging down his love life and I didn’t want his love life shoved in my face. I’d had enough of that last summer.

Zack took off to say hello to one of his baseball buddies as I hauled his free weights from the truck to the room. Of course I dropped one on my foot and cursed in the lobby full of families moving their students in. There was a pause in the action as everyone stared at me and then went back to their own lives.

“You need a hand?” A guy passing buy bent down to pick up the weight and hand it to me. When he stood, I saw he was almost as tall as I was. The other thing I noticed about him was the effortless smile that spread across his face. I’d never been very good at smiling. People like him made it look easy.

“Nah, I’m good,” I said. “Thanks, though. You, um, moving in too?” I wasn’t much for conversation, but conversation with strangers is often easier than conversation with someone you’ve known for years.

“Yeah. Just going to find my room.” He moved to the side so a girl with a giant stuffed bear could pass. “I guess I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He winked and pointed to the weights. “Be careful with those.”

“I’ll try,” I said.

Zack finally appeared again after I’d gotten all of his stuff into his room, including the rest of his weights and a lifetime supply of protein powder.

It took only three trips to get all of my stuff into my new room. My roommate hadn’t gotten there yet, so I picked the left side of the room and swapped out the mattresses. It was larger than the dorm rooms I’d had before, but it wasn’t anything special. I had about three feet of space between my bed and my roommate’s, a desk, dresser and a closet. At least I was allowed to have a microwave. I wasn’t at the other places. Too dangerous. Might put my head in there and try to kill myself or take it apart and make a bomb.

“You sure you’re going to be okay with this? I just don’t want you calling me in the middle of the night saying you need to hide a body that you beat the fuck out of. I would do it, but I’d rather not.”

I didn’t respond. Words weren’t my strong suit. I always seemed to pick the wrong ones these days. I couldn’t count how many times I’d said the wrong thing and ended up getting myself in some deep shit.

Zack’s phone vibrated and he smiled as he answered the text message. By his smile, I could tell the message came from someone of the female persuasion. It was the smile of someone who knew they had complete control, and could get anything they wanted.

“If you’ll excuse me, I gotta go see my girl.” He winked and strolled out, giving me a pat on the shoulder. “Text me if you need anything.”

I nodded and he left, calling his girlfriend, Katie. She was a sweet girl, but she wouldn’t be when he was done with her.

I glanced around the room, taking it in. It was a tight fit, but at least I only had to share it with one other person. Also, it had a decent amount of shelves for my books. I had to look at the bright side, no matter how dim it might seem.

Fuck the bright side, Zack would have said.

Moonlight floods the whole sky from horizon to horizon; How much can fill your room depends on its windows
. Or so said Rumi, the thirteenth century Muslim poet, according to Miss Carole, my social worker. She’d given me a book of it a while ago, and I used to memorize lines when I was feeling especially destructive. Those poems had gotten me out of a lot of trouble.

“You have to open your windows,” she’d say.

Hard to do when there are padlocks on them, and you tossed the key away.

Chapter Three

Lottie

“What if she’s one of those people who becomes obsessed with you and tries to steal your identity and then kill you, like in that movie?” Will said as he set a box of bedding and pillows on my bed. I plunked down my box of books, and narrowly missed dropping them on my foot.

“Then I’ll sleep with a knife under my pillow,” I said, rolling my eyes. I’d talked to my new roommate, Katie, online, and so far so good. Even though she also used way too many emoticons in her emails. Will had begged me to stalk her on the various social media outlets, but honestly, I didn’t want to know ahead of time. Then I would have just spent the entire summer having nightmares about her.

“If she’s hot, I guess the crazy doesn’t matter,” Will said, as if it had just occurred to him.

“First, you’re disgusting and second, I have no idea what she looks, like and she definitely mentioned a boyfriend.” Several times.

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Um, I think it means she’s in a relationship, dumbass.” I moved the box of books with my foot and stretched my spine. I was going to sleep like a rock tonight.

“Well, you should have found someone you knew to room with instead of playing Roommate Roulette, Charlotte.” I ignored the use of my full name. No one called me that unless they were trying to get my attention.

“Yeah, because I had so many options.”

“What about that girl from your bio class? The one who moved in halfway through senior year? What was her name?”

“Glory,” I said, shuddering. I didn’t want to bring anything from my high school with me, and that included a roommate. Also, she had an unfortunate foot odor problem.

“Her parents must have been high.”

“No doubt. Hey, why don’t you help me with that desk,” I said. I’d already moved it three times, but I’d finally decided I wanted it at the foot of my bed.

“Again?”

“You’re a guy. You’re supposed to be used to moving heavy objects for us delicate females.” I went to the desk and pretended to move it. “Oh, I do declare, I might swoon,” I said, putting my hand to my forehead and collapsing on the bed.

“You’re such a drama queen,” Will said, flopping down next to me.

“Whatever, little bro,” I said, shoving his shoulder. Voices drifted up and down the hall as people moved boxes and bags and garbage bags of their worldly goods into tiny dorm rooms that were barely big enough to breathe in.

Our parents were supposed to be here helping us move, but Dad was off studying plankton in the Caribbean for his lab and Mom was busy with a library charity auction. She tried to get out of it, but being the Head Librarian, she didn’t really have a choice.

“Knock, knock,” A sweet voice said just before a round, cute face peered around the doorway. I hummed the Miss America theme song in my head. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said when she saw Will and I on my bed.

I looked from her to Will and back. Oh, she totally thought we were…

I burst out laughing as I got up from the bed.

“Hey, you must be Katie, I’m Charlotte, but everyone calls me Lottie, and this is my
brother
,” I said, sticking out my hand. She gave me a limp shake. Not a good sign. There were a few people behind her, carrying boxes.

“Is this it, Katie?” A woman who must have been her Mom said over an armful of pink pillows.

Katie was only about an inch taller than my 5’1, but she looked… vulnerable. Young. She had these big brown eyes that made me think of Bambi, wandering around in the woods after his mother was shot. She had her hair in a high flippy ponytail and her tanned legs in a pink pair of shorts. In contrast, my hair was hastily tossed into a clip that couldn’t really hold my thick blonde mane and cargo shorts that may or may not have originally been Will’s.

“This isn’t so bad,” a man who must have been her dad said, as he ducked into the room. He was so tall, the top of his head almost scraped the doorway.

“Hi, I’m Katie’s roommate, Lottie. This is my brother, Will. He’s living on the second floor.” Will got up, put his hands in his pockets and tried to look both cool and attractive at the same time. Now that she knew he was my brother, she had definitely noticed him. People always noticed Will.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Lottie. I’m Glenn and this is Regina.” Katie’s Dad took my hand, then Will’s, giving both of us a hearty shake. That was more like it. Regina set to work immediately getting Katie’s fluorescent pink bedding out and starting to put it on the bed. Wow, it was even more obnoxious when it was all spread out like that. I hoped it didn’t glow in the dark.

“Gina, why don’t we get the rest of the stuff in before we do all that.” Regina was already fussing. Katie must have been an only child, or at least the youngest.

“Do you need a hand? We’re nearly done with our stuff,” Will said, jumping right into the “helpful young man” role.

“Oh, that is so sweet,” Regina said. “Katie’s boyfriend is moving in today too, or else he’d be here to help us.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to get the rest of my stuff from the truck and then I can give you a hand too,” I said, giving Katie a smile. She smiled back. Maybe this was going to work out.

I got the rest of my junk, including two more boxes of books. I passed Will in the hallway, bringing in another box of what looked like pink stuff for Katie. Oy.

Regina had already gone back to work on the bed, arranging so many throw pillows on it that there wouldn’t be much room for Katie, who was busy hanging a gigantic photoboard on the wall. Of course, all her friends were equally cute and attractive and photogenic.

Katie’s phone rang, treating us all to ‘We Found Love’ by Rihanna, as Regina began to straighten Katie’s bed skirt so it would be perfect. Will would have choked if he’d heard it. As it was, I had to stifle a giggle.

“Hey, babe. Where are you? No, come on up. Four-oh-seven. Love you too. Bye.” Katie let out a little sound of glee that punched my eardrums. I really hoped that wasn’t going to be a frequent sound.

“Zack’s coming up. My boyfriend,” she said, as if I needed clarification.  “You’ll love him. He’ll be here a lot, so I hope you get along. He was going to go to UMaine, but he got a baseball scholarship to come here.” Why did I have a sinking feeling? Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t eaten in a few hours. Will had consumed all our road trip snacks about ten minutes from home.

“I’m sure we will,” I said, trying to inject my voice with sunshine and rainbows.

“You’ll love him,” Katie said again with a dreamy look. Her mom smiled at her as if she’d won the biggest prize at the science fair. I gave Will a look as he brought in another box of pink crap. Our room was beginning to look like the inside of a Pepto Bismol bottle.