Deception (6 page)

“I’m only moody ’cause I have to listen to you and your latest conquest, constantly screaming down the hall. I’d get more sleep here, even with the regular alarms waking me.” Only that comes out short-tempered and jealous, not exactly giving strength to my argument. Which I guess I kind of am, but I’m grumpier at the fact I might miss a chance at an early morning run with Roxi, if I’m out on the town all night. Since when do I want to go jogging with a friend more than going out to get lucky? This thought makes me even more irritable. I guess I really do need to go out and get over the strange fascination I have with this new friend I hardly know. However, I’m still more excited over the prospect of running with her tomorrow, than partying with the guys on Saturday night.

Jake sits up straighter in his chair. “I can’t help it if I please the ladies. I’ve tried asking them to keep it down before, but when it comes to me, they just can’t help themselves.”

He’s too much sometimes. I don’t think he’ll ever grow up. I’m not denying I’m not a horn dog, right along with him. My thoughts can be pretty obnoxious too. Nevertheless, I never speak disrespectfully about the women I’m with.

A shrink I went to for a while after my family’s deaths, told me I most likely act this way, as a coping mechanism. I distance myself from emotion and getting close to anybody, because I don’t want to replace the family I lost. The family I killed. I don’t think I deserve to. She’s probably right. I’ll do whatever it takes to stop craving the love and affection I’m not entitled to have in my life.

Dex, Toby, and the newest recruit, Jy, all say they’re in and we agree to meet up at Dollie’s at ten p.m. Hopefully, I can find a hook up quickly, so I won’t have to endure the place long. As long as I can keep my mind off Roxi that is, because even though I know I shouldn’t be, I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

Not much of consequence happens through the night. Mrs Jones, an elderly woman in the Lockwood Retirement Village, causes her alarm to go off at around 2:00 a.m. She decided to put on a piece of toast and forgot about it. There’s no risk of fire, but the bread went black before it popped, and the small amount of smoke set the process of us going there in motion.

The alarms at the village automatically trigger us to get out there straight away. It’s the fifth time that it’s happened this month. The chief has the not so fun job of politely informing her family that she may be better suited to a higher level of care, and if it happens again, a fine will unfortunately have to be issued. Even though it wasn’t done on purpose, she still took us away from other potential deadly situations.

The crew gets a decent night’s sleep other than that. I on the other hand, clean both trucks we have here at the station. It’s one of the jobs none of the other guys are very fond of, but I take meticulous care in every aspect, no matter how big or small. Most of the crew are young. They’re here for the adrenalin rush and excitement of doing something dangerous. I spend several hours studiously making sure everything is in order, while they sleep. Keep them safe, so they can get back to their families.

By the time morning rolls around, I’m well and truly ready to leave. Although it’s great when the city is safe from fires, car crashes and the likes, it makes the time go by awfully slow, and I get bored out of my brains. I worry I’ll fall asleep and have night terrors.

Jake starts the car and I jump in, eager to see Roxi on our morning run.

*****

W
hile I stand in what I’ve now come to think of as our meeting spot, I’m wide awake, despite not sleeping last night, and keen to show Roxi some real sporting gear. Nothing like a crappy Titan’s football, I turn the Frisbee over in my hands as she jogs up to me. “Hey, want to go to the park again today?”

“Sure. What you got there?”

I flip it over and enjoy the amusement that takes over her face.

“A Broncos Frisbee, cool. I’ll enjoy throwing them to the dirt.” She throws my ill spoken words that I used for her favourite team back at me. Her eyebrow is quirked as if to say ‘go on, I dare you to issue a comeback’, and her mouth is in a hard line as she tries not to laugh.

“What do you mean ‘throw them to the dirt’? I’ll have you know, I’ve never missed a catch yet. The only reason this baby is going near the ground, is when you fail to get it.”

Her eyes become more animated; popping out of her head a little, and when she plants her hands on her hips, I grin back at her.

“Oh, game on,” she challenges.

It amazes me Roxi can appear so shut off and vulnerable one minute, then so sassy and confident the next. It’s as though right now, while she beams back at me, little parts of the real person inside are trying to escape. My sense of pride has me stoked that I’m able to draw the genuine Roxi out. I want to peel away the layers she hides behind. Each one I discover fascinates me. Becomes a fleeting ray of light to the darkness I fight each day.

We hit the edge of the park and I throw the Frisbee long. Time slows down as it sails through the air and we come to a stop to watch it. A yellow disc splitting a perfect blue sky as it’s carried on the breeze.

Turns out we both drop the Frisbee a lot. I wasn’t just talking myself up before. I really am great at this, just not when I can continuously feel her eyes on me. It kind of ruins my concentration.

I purposely throw short and we meet halfway in between, collapsing on the ground, next to each other in an exhausted heap. All I’m aware of is the constant thud of my heart and the sound of our uneven breaths intermingling. Our hands rest mere inches apart. Close enough, yet miles from where I want them to be at the same time.

Clouds have strewn across the sky since we first got here and I admire their shapes as I catch my breath. “Oh look, that cloud kind of looks like a hand.”

I hear her throaty chuckle, as she looks and probably sees the detail I left out. “Yeah and it’s giving you the finger.”

Yep, she saw it.

“Probably God telling me to go to hell,” I’m only half joking, it’s most likely where I’ll end up.

“Do you ever think there’s more out there than just this?” she asks. I turn my head to study her, but she is deep in thought, oblivious to my gaze and staring up at the heavens. She’s taken her brown hair out of its tie, and it tumbles around her face and on to the lush green grass. Light freckles decorate her nose and across her cheeks, adding to her character.

“You mean aliens?” I joke; not wanting to delve too deeply into my thoughts of what comes next. The idea of getting to see my family again one day and not being welcomed by them with open arms makes me ill.

“Not exactly. There has to be something beyond just here and now, on earth, being tested in different ways every day. Surely there’s a bigger point to it all.” She turns, her deep brown eyes looking into me as though I hold all the answers.

“There has to be,” I agree. Even if I’m scared at facing my family again someday, I have to take comfort that it wasn’t the end for them. They still exist out there in some way, together and happy.

Just when I think I might find out a little more about her, she tilts away again and puts her shield back up. “I should get back,” she blurts out, although she makes no move to get up.

“Yeah I should head back too. I have one more shift left tonight, before I get a couple of days off and I need to get some sleep first.” I reluctantly rise to my feet and reach down for her hand to help her up.

She dusts herself off, but misses a couple of stray pieces of grass in her hair. I run my fingers through the strands that feel like silk to the touch and bring them free. “You missed some of it,” I explain softly.

“Thanks,” she breathes.

If she doesn’t stop looking at my mouth like that, I’m going to cross the ‘friends’ line. I need to get us out of here, “Come on, let’s go.”

She just nods, still looking between my hands and my lips, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Before I get the opportunity to ask, she turns and starts to jog back and I follow suit. I see a few pieces of grass still stuck to her bottom and I wonder if I would get away with brushing those off for her too.

We get back to where we first met up and slow down to a walk. Heavy metal blares from a car in the distance.
What a try hard punk,
I think to myself.
Whoever it is will probably try and do skids as they turn the next corner.
When the awful noise gets closer, Roxi stiffens in response.

“I have to get going.” She looks distracted, and barely gazes my way before taking off. I turn to say, “See you at the same time tomorrow,” but the words are stuck in my throat as I trail my eyes up her tanned legs and watch her ass bounce while she runs.

The music gets closer and a car pulls up alongside her. I start walking in her direction to help ward this predator off, if she needs my assistance. She slows down and pays the driver attention instead of trying to get away. I linger in the background not wanting to interrupt in case she knows them.

“What the fuck are you doing out and prancing around the neighbourhood in that? Everyone can see your fat ass hangin’ out of your shorts.” His disgusting words float through the air and hit me in the chest.
That son of a bitch. Who the hell does he think he is to speak to a woman like that?
The familiar way she is speaking to him makes me wonder if that’s her husband. If so, no wonder she told me she was married with such distaste.

“Get in the car, I’m taking you home.” I start to pick up my pace to give her some support. I’m not fast enough, I watch on in horror when she actually apologises and hops in the car with him. They are pulling away from the kerb by the time I reach them and she looks back at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m left helpless to make her smile again as they get further and further away.

The way he leered at her made me want to pummel him, and the way he spoke to her made me want to strangle him with my bare hands. I know I’m not worthy of a loving partner, but neither is that creep. I want to be the one who teaches him some respect.

“Let your tears come.  Let them water your soul.”  - Eileen Mayhew

Roxi

“I
'm sorry honey, it was hot and I was out running. Next time I’ll wear something more appropriate.” I try to placate him, and hope that he’ll lower his voice. The last thing I want is for the people in the immediate area to call the police because we’re having a domestic dispute on the street.

As we pull out onto the road, I glance around to see if Luke’s jogging off in the opposite direction, but to my dismay he’s staring back at me. Fury and confusion fight for dominance on his face. I’m pessimistic that I’m able to hide the shame I feel, which only results in even further humiliation. If only I were able to pretend like this is no big deal, then Luke may have dismissed our dysfunctional outburst as some silly little tiff. My scowl and teary eyes betray me though. There is no way to be able to keep this much hatred trapped inside. At least Joseph is none the wiser that Luke exists. That was a close call.

“Yeah, well you better,” Joseph spits out. “I don’t even know why you’re wasting your time running, when you should be at home cleaning. You know we have Tanya and Alex coming over on the weekend.” I don’t waste my breath trying to argue, after all, Joseph knows best. There is no point trying to state my case. It would be like talking to a brick wall. Instead, I ask what he’s doing home in the middle of the day.

“Why, aren’t you pleased to see me baby? Maybe I can get all sweaty too. We can take advantage of the situation.”

I unsuccessfully suppress a shudder at the thought.

“No need to act so repulsed by me. It was just a joke, lighten up.”

“I wasn’t repulsed. I was just getting a chill from the window being open,” I lie as we pull into our driveway. I’m an expert at deceit now. I spin stories every day to conceal my disastrous life from the people I love. They all think I have the perfect life - fabulous house, loving partner–it’s all bullshit of course. They see what I want them to see.

“Well maybe you should put some fucking clothes on then.”

Wow, that was harsh. I’m not surprised though. I storm up to the house, ready to change into baggy sweats and remove my body from his critical judgement.

Joseph collects some papers from his office without acknowledging me any further and walks back out the door.
An empty house, such sweet relief
. I peel my clothes off and climb into the shower. The hot water eases my tense muscles and I’m glad the hot water system is working today. Steam swirls around my head. I wish it would penetrate my brain and burn all the terrible memories of Joseph away. No matter how deep I breathe it in though; the unpleasant recollections still taunt me.

Everything I’ve been bottling up is getting to be too much to contain. For a rare few moments, I allow myself to cry, letting some of the pain escape. Water from the shower washes away my tears, erasing any evidence of my heartache. I slide to the floor, sinking lower than the tears, now being carried away in the pipes below the ground. A part of me is going to a better place, out into the ocean and free.

*****

I
wake up later that night squirming in my sleep. It takes me a moment to realise what is happening, but when I do, I freeze, uncertain of how to react. That doesn’t deter Joseph’s tongue from wriggling along my inner thigh, leaving a slimy trail as he works his way to my core. My pants have disappeared while I’ve been sleeping. My breath catches, I’m in utter shock. Exactly how often does he do this without me knowing? I push his head away, too afraid to speak.

“You woke up just in time for the good part,” he whispers, causing prickles of fear to rise all over my body.

“No. I don’t feel like it Joseph. I’m trying to sleep.” I roll away from him, crossing my legs together tightly.
Please leave me alone.

His fingers dig into my sides as he pulls me back against his hard length. They work their way up my sides in punishing strokes and I whimper and start to shake in silent sobs.