Dark Secrets (82 page)

“
Believe
I’m in love with him? What
would you know about it? You don’t even know your own heart.” I
shrugged out of his grasp. “You think you love me…but you
don’t.”

“
Ara—” Mike reached
out, warning me of the staring people around us with a look in his
eye.

“
No. I don’t care if they look. Let them look. I’m not going
to stand here while you tell me what’s in
my
heart.”

“
That’s not what I’m
doi—”

“
Stop trying to touch
me.” I jerked away from him. “I do love David, Mike. I do. You have
no idea how much—and you never will,” I added coldly and folded my
arms as I turned away.

“
Oh, never, huh?” He followed, raising his voice as much as I
had. “So this freaky, overly-possessive thing you have with
David—is that true love, is it—is that how it works?” he asked in a
conceited tone. “So, when you love someone more than anyone in the
world has ever loved
anyone else
before, you let them hurt you and leave bruises
on you?”

I huffed.

“
And don’t think I
didn’t see that cut on your wrist, Ara.”

My steps came to an
abrupt halt; I unfolded my arms and looked down at my left
wrist.

“
Yes. I saw it!” His voice became huskier. “I know
you
didn’t do that. I
know you better than that.”

“
I—”

“
David did it. Didn’t
he?” He came up out of nowhere, spinning me around sharply and held
my wrist up. “Is this what love is, Ara? Is it? Because I love you
more than this. I would never hurt you like this.”

“
You’re hurting me
now.” I twisted my wrist in his grip and yanked it out through his
fingers. “Just leave me alone, okay? I’ve had enough.”

“
Ara?” he
called.

Forget it. I didn’t
need to stand there and have him tell me I knew nothing about love;
I’d felt its spiny sting—I knew exactly what it was. Mike was just
worried because he thought David hurt me. But of course he did;
love is pain. And maybe it was wrong of David and I to do what we
did, but it felt right in the moment, so I didn’t care what Mike
thought. Not that he’d know it was blood sharing, anyway. In fact,
I actually couldn’t even imagine what he thought David had done to
me.

“
Ara.
Stop.”

“
I said leave me
alone, Mike.”

“
No,” he said from a
few feet away. “I’m not letting you walk off by yourself. You’re a
young girl in a bikini, for God’s sake. Anything could
happen.”

“
Why, because I’m
walking on such a deserted strip of sand?” I faced him, gesturing
to all the beach-goers.

“
You don’t have to be
alone to have something bad happen.”

“
I know,” I said
conceitedly, because it was the bad things that made you end up
alone.

“
Look, you can walk
off and throw your little tantrum, but I’m going to follow you
wherever you go.”

“
Fine.”

“
Fine.”

Across the carpet of
sunburned backs and multi-coloured towels, the salty, plastic smell
of sunscreen wafted between us, and even in the brightness of the
day, the compassion in his eyes shone out like a beacon among the
darkest sea. The last of my dummy-spit released with a huff, and I
dropped my hands to my sides.

Damn him and his kind
eyes.

All I wanted then was
to fall back into his arms—back to where we stood before—before I
yelled at him and told him he knows nothing. “Mike, I—”

“
Uh-uh.” He shook his
head and launched forward into a half run, sweeping me into him.
“You don't need to say a word, baby. Okay?”

The hot sun beat down,
making sweat trickle down my temples, but I closed my eyes and held
my breath in the intense squeeze of his arms—a hold so tight I knew
he never wanted to let go, knew he loved me. Not like he loved the
ocean or the sunset, but like the way I loved David. True, honest,
and intense love.

“
I’m sorry, Ara. I know you love David, and I know he loves
you. I shouldn’ta said those things. It’s just—” He brushed my hair
from my face, then lifted my locket for a second. “I love you, too.
I really do. I love the way your eyes turn deep blue when you’re
sad; the way you bite your lip when you play piano; I love your
smile and the way you view the world, Ara. I absolutely love
everything
about you.”
He paused and his eyes darted over my face. “I just wish you could
understand that—wish you’d forgive me for making the biggest
mistake I ever made—and love me back.”

I folded my face
against his chest again; the sand had dried in the heat, soothing
the itch along my jaw, and the sound of his heart through the thick
of his skin had an oddly comforting hum to it. I could tell from
the way he took shallower breaths that he was waiting for me to say
something. But I couldn’t grace him with a response, because I had
nothing good to say to him. He could never understand the love I
had with David, or the way we interacted with each other, and he
probably thought I was sadistic for allowing David to hurt me, but
he’d never understand the true intensity of the passion behind it,
either.

Slowly, and more
surely than ever before, I was starting to consider going with
David.

Chapter
Twenty-Eight

No one even looked up
as I stepped into the auditorium and dumped my bag by a chair. “Hi,
guys,” I said, unwinding my scarf from my neck.

“
Hey, stranger,”
Spencer called from the stage.

“
Hi,” Emily said as I
sat beside her in the front row.

“
Where’ve you been,
girl?” Ryan landed in the next seat and gave me a skinny-armed
hug.

“
Just hanging out at
home.” I sat back in the chair. “Good turnout for a
rehearsal.”

Emily nodded, her
eyes on a notepad. “Most of them are just here to watch—or distract
those who are
trying
to practice.”

“
Yeah,” Ryan said.
“We have to be out by ten, but no one’s taking things
seriously.”

“
Oh.” I slid down in
the seat and put my feet on the crate in front of me. “Well, do you
mind if I take the stage now—I gotta get back early
tonight?”

“
Yeah, sure,” Emily
said to her page. “Everything okay?”

“
Mm-hm.” Except, I
didn’t really want to be around this place any longer than
absolutely necessary.

“
Where’s David? Is he
coming tonight?” Ryan asked.

Emily looked up from
her book; I shrugged, reaching for my locket.

“
Oh, I thought he
said he’d make it for dress rehearsals.” Ryan looked a little
confused.

“
He
did—” I tipped the crate with my foot, trying to look
disinterested, “—but I guess the plan changed.”
Or the heart
.

“
Where’s your new
pal...Mike?” Ryan asked.

“
Uh, he’s taking my
brother to a movie tonight.”

“
Sweet.” Ryan nodded.
“Well, I’ll fill in on guitar for David, if you like?”

“
Okay. Let’s just get
this over with then.” I gave a reassuring smile to Emily’s frown as
I stomped up the stairs, then stopped dead. “Hey, where’d the piano
come from?”

“
Oh, it’s on loan
from Musicology,” Emily called out.

“
What’s Musicology?”
I sat down on the stool in front of the baby grand, flipping out
imaginary jacket tails first.

“
Music store,” Ryan
said, walking past me to grab his guitar.

“
Oh, cool. The keys
feel nice.”

“
Wait ‘til you hear
her.” Ryan sat on a stool near Alana, who turned the pages on her
music stand. “We’re calling her Betty.”

“
Calling who Betty?”
I said.

“
The piano,” Alana
said.

“
Oh.” I looked at it.
“Why Betty?”

“
The song…” Alana
said, rolling her eyes in Ryan’s direction. “Black
Betty.”

“
Hm.” I looked down
at my fingers as they positioned themselves on the home-plates.
“Okay, we’ll start with Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

Ryan nodded and found
the page in his sheet music, then repositioned the capo on the neck
of his guitar. “Hip, bubbly, Ucayali-style or…”

“
Longing misery,” I
said.

Ryan nodded. “Nice.
Let’s do it.”

They played, all of
them, including the version of me who took over when the real one
could no longer bear to feel. In those moments, sometimes I felt
like I was watching from outside myself, while another version of
me lived inside my own mind—recreating this land of misery to a
world where I could smile. I tried so hard to imagine David sitting
in place of Ryan, smiling over at me. But no matter how hard I
tried, the image wouldn't alter, and wishing with all my heart
wouldn't change things either. It would be a waste of
time.

Ryan gave a nod of
approval, and I smiled back because, in truth, our song did sound
amazing. The three instruments harmonised so well with each other,
even though my fingers were a little stiff and the flow of emotion
through them was rigid, if not absent.

When I opened my mouth
to sing the words, my voice cracked and we all burst out laughing.
All the sea-salt I swallowed the other day made my throat dry and
hoarse; I sounded like a broken gramophone. But I was glad Mike
took me to the beach, because despite our argument, the rest of
that day went really well; just two old friends hanging out, eating
salty fish and chips, talking about nothing, as the sun went
down.

While my mind wandered
into the other days we’d spent together, the performance moved to
the next song on our list; an instrumental piece from one of
Nathan’s favourite gangster movies.

“
Ryan?” I stopped
playing for a second.

“
Yeah?” He looked
over the music stand, and Alana lowered her violin.

“
On that last bar,
can you give me a B flat, instead?”

“
Uh—yeah, okay,” he
said slowly and frowned, but did it anyway, and then his face lit
up when I came in with the piano.

“
Okay. Cool, so, just
remember; B flat on the second verse, okay?” I said, flexing my
fingers. “Em? You got the time?”

“
Uh, yep,” she said
from the base of the stage. “Eight-thirty.”

I closed the cover on
the keys. “I’m gonna call it quits, guys. I need to get home.” Mike
would be back by now.

“
Okay, cool.” Ryan
placed his guitar on the stand and turned to Alana.

“
Hey, Ara?” Emily’s
light footsteps made a dull thud as she came up the stairs and
stood beside me. “Um, I hope you don't mind, but…being that your
act has the most heart, I thought I might place you last in the
set—you know, kind of thought if people leave on a sad
note—”

“
Yeah, all cool.” I
held my hand up. Em obviously didn't realise that closing a show
was actually a great honour.

“
And, um, that
sounded amazing, by the way.” She ran her fingertip over the glossy
top of the piano, her reflection appearing upside-down.

“
Thanks. Looks like I
still have enough soul left in me to play music.” I smiled, trying
to sound light.

“
You miss
David?”

“
Yeah.
Kinda.”

“
He’ll be back.” She
shrugged, then smiled and walked off to bark orders at the next
act.

It really was such a
shame David never fell for Emily. She would’ve been a perfect match
for him; she wasn’t complicated or moody, like me, and she would’ve
given him eternity.

A jaded smile grasped
my lips while I watched her, falling into Spencer’s embrace,
tilting her face up so he could kiss the tip of her nose; they were
so in love, like normal teenagers—so innocent and so easy. They’d
never know the complexities of my life, and could never even
imagine them.

Somehow, that made me
angry, or maybe it was jealous. Or maybe it just made me feel
more—alone.

“
It’s not all bad.”
Ryan sat beside me on the piano stool.

“
What’s not?” I
switched on my happy face.

He elbowed me softly.
“David? I know you were missing him just now.”

I looked down at my
thumbnails, clicking them over each other. “Yeah. I kinda
was.”

“
Well, he’ll be back
before you know it. So, chin up, m’kay?”

“
Yeah, okay.” I
smiled at him. “Thanks Ryan.” But he was wrong. We were just
another town David was moving through, and I was just another
ending to a tragic love story. None of us would ever see him
again.

I scribbled on a piece
of paper and rested it in the lip of my windowsill, then headed for
the door. I couldn’t leave my room for the evening without making
sure David knew my priorities, should he see fit to come back; one
tap on Mike’s window and I’d magically materialise in my
room.