Conviction (Consolation Duet #2) (19 page)

“Of course. Get some sleep. I love you.” Her voice is low and my eyes keep closing.

“Yeah, I need a nap. Love you. I’ll call soon.” We say our goodbyes and I swear I’m asleep before we disconnect.

“You still haven’t told him?” Reanell asks as we sit at the Plaza Azteca. She grabs another nacho and pops it in her mouth, waiting for my answer.

“No, I don’t want to stress him out, and when I miscarry, I don’t want to have to tell him. It’s easier this way.”

It’s been a month since I found out I’m pregnant, and whenever I talk to Liam, he seems stressed beyond his max. Each time I go to the bathroom, I’m terrified. It’s like I know it’s coming and I just wish it would happen.

“I think he deserves to know,” she says, grabbing her giant fishbowl-sized margarita.

“I fully plan to tell him. But if I tell him now and then lose the baby, he’ll be devastated and still be deployed. If I tell him and his mind goes elsewhere and he gets hurt—then what?” I ask her and stare. She knows I’m right. He’s been stressed, crabby, and he leaves again for another time down-range, as he calls it. So, for now it’s better for me to keep this quiet and keep him focused on the task at hand.

She nods and sits back. “I get it. You have a good point. There are so many things I don’t tell Mason when he’s gone.”

“Like?”

“Well, he doesn’t know about how the stupid, piece of shit hot water heater went again. He’ll get upset that he didn’t fix it, and then I’ll have to stroke his ego about how he’s so amazing. And really, I’d rather buy myself some Jimmy Choos and say it was my reward.”

I laugh and snort, “I don’t know how that man deals with you.”

Rea smiles and throws back her drink. “I promise that Mason has more cracks than the San Andreas Fault. He spends more money on his stupid sports memorabilia than I do in shoes and purses. We even out and we don’t have kids.”

Reanell’s eyes fall and I know what she’s feeling. She and Mason tried for years, and instead of killing themselves over it, they just resolved that if it happened, it happened. I admire that they put their marriage first, but I couldn’t possibly imagine a life where Aarabelle didn’t exist. My hand drifts to my stomach and I think about the baby inside. If I lose him or her, it will wreck me. I know the pain both emotionally and physically. The agony of not being woman enough gnaws its way up my throat.

“Lee?” Rea’s hand touches my arm.

“I can’t lose this baby,” I admit with tears forming.

“No matter what happens . . . I’m here. I’ll hold your hand, rub your back, and then we’ll get drunk, but I think this baby is a miracle.” She raises her glass, and I raise mine. “To Dreambaby.”

“Dreambaby?”

“Well, he’s Dreamboat, so he has Dreambabies.”

“Oh, Jesus.”

We both laugh and talk about my doctor’s appointment. According to them, everything is on track and I conceived while we were in South Carolina. I’m only six weeks pregnant and my plan is to let Liam know once I make it through the twelve week period. I’ve lost two babies during the first trimester and the other was at fourteen weeks. I can’t worry him, and I don’t want to have him distracted.

Reanell sits back in the booth with a look that I know too well.

“What?” I ask.

“How are you handling Aarabelle and Aaron?”

I sigh and look away. “It’s hard sharing her like this, but it’s the way it is. Aaron is trying really hard and we’re getting along surprisingly well. He’s going to therapy and he loves her.”

Right now he’s taking her for short periods of time and nothing overnight. He said he’s not ready with his sleep schedule and the nightmares being as bad as they are. I’m proud that he’s aware of his PTSD and how it’s affecting him. The decision not to keep Aarbelle overnight is his decision instead of something I have to fight him on. Our lives have drifted through rougher seas, but he’s trying to calm them.

“How do you think he’s going to handle . . . ?”

“Not well. But he knows I’m moving on. I filed for divorce and he signed it.”

“Wow, that’s surprising.”

It was a shock, but I was glad it wasn’t drawn out. Aaron and I had tears in our eyes when I gave him the papers, but nonetheless he didn’t fight me. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was truly admitting that the marriage was dissolved on our own choice.

“He said he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.” She nods and looks around. “You don’t think so?”

Reanell smiles. “I think you both are handling this difficult situation the best you can. I keep trying to imagine how I’d act if this was me. I think the divorce was more than a long time coming. I just want you all to be happy and in a good place. I know he was in a bad way when he got back, but considering he’s in counseling, it should help when he finds out about the baby.”

Since the fertility problems were basically the beginning of the end for us, I know this will kill him. I’ve thought about it and how to handle telling him, and I come up empty each time. Mark is the only person other than Reanell who knows. I owe it to Liam to let him know before anyone else. While having more children has always been something I wanted, I never thought it was a possibility. Now here I sit, pregnant with Liam’s baby.

“Do you think Liam will be happy?” I ask the burning question.

“Did you guys ever talk about it?”

“No, not really. I mean, he loves Aarabelle so much, I assume he won’t be upset, but . . .”

It’s the one black cloud that looms over me. I worry that he’ll think I tricked him before he was ready, but then knowing Liam, I doubt that at the same time. He loves me and we weren’t some one-night fling. He’s already made mention of marrying me and moving forward together.

Reanell grabs my hand. “I think Liam and you have a love that’s real and true. He’s patient, kind, loyal, and most of all, he adores you. He’s chosen you over a friendship that lasted far longer and he loves Aara. I mean, not many men would do what he has. Liam is your forever love.”

A tear falls as I allow my wall to come down for a minute and think about him. I miss him and can’t imagine my life with anyone else. Liam fills the cracks that formed in my heart. He makes me whole again, and gives me something I didn’t know I was missing. Just the sound of his voice can calm or excite me. I fall asleep thinking of him and wake up wishing he was next to me. I don’t think I could ever get over him. He would forever exist inside of my soul.

“I’m such an emotional mess. Damn hormones,” I laugh and wipe under my eyes. “I think Liam allowed me to see the difference between a comfortable love and a love that shatters your world. I loved Aaron, don’t get me wrong . . . but it was just something I think we did. We dated, got married, then having children became what we should do next. When we couldn’t, I felt like we were broken. Does that make sense?”

It’s Reanell’s turn to wipe her eyes. “It does.”

My heart breaks for her. As much as she puts on the front about her purses and shoes, she wanted children. “I’m so sorry, Rea.”

“I didn’t want to go through it. I couldn’t after watching you. My faith in God broke each time you’d call me and say it didn’t work or you lost a baby. You’re so much stronger than me, sister.”

I come around the other side of the booth and hug her. There’s a sisterhood we share. One of understanding, support, and unending friendship. When half our hearts leave, we bind our remaining pieces to get through the days. Not everyone can understand what we do. They say they can, but it’s not all sunshine and unicorns. We put our fears aside and wear plastic smiles because that’s what you do. Military wives aren’t strong because they want to be. They have to be. I know the chance that Liam can be returning in a box is real, but I love him regardless.

Reanell returns my hug and sniffles. It’s not often she breaks down, and she never shares this with Mason. “You have no idea how strong you are.” I pull her close and we both cry out a little of the pain we share.

Another two weeks pass.

Another two weeks of Liam being gone.

I hate deployments.

I look at the beach filled with happy couples, and I want to scream. Aarabelle and I are playing in the sand. Liam hasn’t called in a week, and I keep having horrible nightmares. I woke up last night and ran to the front door thinking someone was there to tell me he died. It was so real. I was already crying hysterically when I ripped the door open.

“Hey,” Aaron’s voice calls out from behind us.

“Hi.” I smile as he looks at Aarabelle.

In the last six weeks, Aaron has started to look like the man I fell in love with. We haven’t really spoken about anything deep, but he said he understands my need to move on.

“How are you?” he asks as Aara gets up and runs to him.

“Daddy!” Her tiny arms wrap around him and he kisses her.

“She just . . . !” I trail off as he smiles with his whole heart. We’ve been saying Daddy more and more to her in regards to Aaron. It warms me that he’s being such a great father to her. She’s lucky that she’ll know the love of two men.

“She did! Hi, my beautiful girl.” He lifts her into his arms and I hold my heart. Even with everything we’ve suffered, there’s a small measure of healing through Aara. She is the glue that holds us all together.

Aaron carries her over and sits next to me. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah,” I grin. “I’ve been working with her on Mommy too. I’m glad she said it with you here.”

“Me too. So, how are you?” Aaron asks and starts to play with Aara in the sand.

“I’m hanging in there. You?”

He looks at me and lifts his hand, but drops it before touching me. “I’m doing okay,” he admits.

“Good, I’m glad.” And I mean that. I don’t wish anything bad on him. Aaron has suffered enough in his life, and I know the man he was. He was happy, loving, and fun. I want him to find that again.

“I wanted to ask you if you thought we could have dinner this week? There’s some stuff I want to talk about and I owe it to you.”

My heart sputters and I’m not sure what to do. Aaron hasn’t done anything to make me wary, but I remember the last dinner we had.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just want to talk about going forward.”

“Okay, I can get a sitter for Aarabelle.”

“Great.”

We play with Aara for a while and talk about work stuff. Aaron has been working with Mark on a lead outside of the office on what’s been going on in Cole Security Forces. This will be the first time he’s back in the office for more than a day or two. They both have been steadfast in checking every clue as to who could be behind the issue that caused Aaron to go over there in the first place. Jackson is flying back this week and wants to have a staff meeting. It’s hard to believe anyone is intentionally messing with all of these guys, but it seems that way, and Mark is all too happy to work a little closer with Charlie in D.C.

After we discuss work, we transition into how he’s handling everything. Aaron’s been working hard in therapy and seems to be doing much better at opening up. His therapist has urged him to talk more about what he went through.

“Seeing Charlie this week was good I think,” he muses.

“Why is that?”