Contessa (55 page)

“
Fair enough. I was twenty-three when I really knew what it felt like to love someone.
”

“
Dad,
”
I plead with him.

“
I
’
m just trying to relate. I was much older than you.
”

“
So what? Nate was sixteen when he fell in love with Mom.
”

“
I would venture to guess it took Nate a good ten years to figure out what the hell love was. Had he known it all along, he would have acted on it with Emi much sooner than he did.
”

“
Well, that
’
s what Granna says.
”

“
I
’
m not going to argue about him. I
’
m not even sure why he keeps showing up in our conversations,
”
he adds, his voice strained.

“
Because I think he understood feelings more than most people,
”
I tell him.
“
From his paintings, I can tell.
”

“
Yes, and I
’
m an unfeeling robot.
”

I bite my lip, remembering my conversation with Mom. I wonder how much she told him.

“
You
’
re right about one thing, Liv. I don
’
t have an outlet to express my feelings like he did, but I can only hope that someday you
’
re able to feel for someone even half of what I feel for your mom. It
’
s sad that you don
’
t see that. I feel like I show her all the time, and I know she sees it, but it
’
s like you never look for that. You have this idea of who you think I am, but I think you
’
ve got me all wrong.
”

“
Well, I think you
’
ve got
me
all wrong. And I know you
’
ve got Jon wrong.
”

He just shakes his head.
“
Alright,
”
he sighs.
“
I
’
ll try to let go of my apparent misperceptions about you two. I don
’
t like what
’
s happening with
you and me
, Livvy. I
’
m not okay with it, and I
’
m not going to sit back and let it get worse.

“
I
’
d appreciate it if you weren
’
t so apathetic about it, and became more active in trying to let me in instead of painting me as someone who can never understand the complexities of love or the trials of being a teenager.

“
I didn
’
t get where I am in life by being an indifferent idiot.
”

“
I didn
’
t say that,
”
I try to correct him.

“
Your actions speak louder than words, Liv. You don
’
t have to say it. I feel it every day.
”
I try to maintain my composure, but feel like bursting out into tears. Jon had reminded me not to cry in front of Dad anymore. I need to be a grown up. I try to take even breaths to calm myself, keeping my eyes on the road.

Dad exits the highway and pulls into a gas station. I don
’
t look at him when he turns off the car and gets out, but I know he
’
s upset and hurt. And I know I
’
m the reason behind it.

And I
’
ve never felt so bad in my entire life.

I get out, too, and find the women
’
s restroom. After grabbing a handful of paper towels, I wipe tears away as they drop from my eyes. I try to touch up my makeup, but it
’
s still obvious I
’
ve been crying. To give me a little more time to calm down, I buy a soda on my way back to the car. I look at Dad through the windshield. His eyes are red, and I immediately start crying again.

Once we
’
re back on the road, I stare out the passenger window, my head turned away from him. I can
’
t hide the sniffles, and I know he sees me wiping the tears with tissues from my purse. I keep expecting him to say something to try to soothe me, but he doesn
’
t. He doesn
’
t say another word to me for the rest of the drive to the lake house.

I go immediately up to my room and sort through the paint supplies I
’
d left the last time we were here. Everything is how I left it. A part of me had wanted an excuse to go into town for awhile, but after considering my options, I decide to put another layer of clothes on so I can walk the property before it
’
s over-run with family members this weekend. I might as well enjoy the privacy while I have some.

As soon as I
’
m outside, by myself, away from the ears of my parents, I want to cry some more. Taking a folding chair from the cabana, I set it up on the dock, which is probably my favorite place to take in the scenery. The water is still, and the mid-day sun is bright, providing a little warmth. I pull out my phone and call Jon.

“
Did you get the flowers?
”
he asks.

“
I did, thank you.
”

“
I was worried you might miss them when you left.
”

“
I probably would have. Dad found them.
”

“
How are you feeling this morning?
”

“
Awful,
”
I croak before the sobs erupt.
“
I
’
m an awful person,
”
I tell him.

“
No, baby, you
’
re not. What
’
s wrong?
”

“
I don
’
t even want to say. I just feel... awful. I just wish you were here to make me feel better.
”

“
I wish I could be there to hug you. I don
’
t want you to be sad, Olivia.
”

“
I feel so alone right now.
”

He
’
s quiet for a second.
“
Are you?
”

“
Yeah, I
’
m outside on the dock. Everyone else is in the house, not talking to me.
”

“
I am so sorry about last night.
”

“
Jon, it wasn
’
t anything you did. I promise. I
’
d venture to guess they both like you more right now than they like me.
”

“
I know that
’
s not true.
”

“
I
’
m not sure.
”

“
What
’
d you do?
”
he asks.

“
Apparently, everything I say, do, and think is just absolutely wrong.
”

“
Not to me,
”
he offers kindly.

“
I know, not to you. Just everyone I get to spend the next four days with, that
’
s all.
”

“
Well, then don
’
t do anything wrong,
”
he suggests.

“
Easier said than done. I haven
’
t done anything intentionally.
”

“
Take a deep breath, Olivia.
”

I breathe in and out a few times.
“
Okay.
”

“
Ready to be a grown up?
”

“
Of course.
”

“
Then go do some intentionally
right
things.
”

“
What do you mean?
”

“
Don
’
t separate yourself from them. Get in the middle of things. Help your dad with dinner. Help your mom with your brother. Talk to them about the weather. Ask them what needs to be done to get things ready for everyone else. Just don
’
t sit on that dock alone. Go be with your family.
”

“
It
’
s not that easy.
”

“
Yeah, Liv, it is. You
’
ve just got a mental block right now. You
’
ve got your guard up. Let it down. Let it
go
, baby. There
’
s no point in holding a grudge against them–
”

“
It
’
s the other way around,
”
I try to explain.
“
They
’
re mad at me.
”

“
Then apologize for whatever you did wrong, or whatever you
think
you did wrong. Suck it up and apologize if you think something needs an apology. And if you don
’
t feel like it does, then don
’
t fake it. Just move on. This is a new day, okay? Clean slate. Just try.
”

“
I don
’
t know,
”
I whine.

“
For me, Olivia,
”
he says.
“
Please try. For
us
. Try.
”

“
If you were here, you
’
d see me rolling my eyes at you.
”

“
There
’
s the teenager I know and love,
”
he says jokingly.
“
Show them how adult you can be. Go impress the hell out of them. Shock them. Show them they
’
re underestimating you, because they are. And do you know
why
they are?
”

“
No,
”
I tell him, frustrated.

“
Because you underestimate yourself. Remember? You
’
ve got power.
”

“
I
’
ve got power,
”
I repeat with a laugh.

“
You
’
ve got all of it. Now go put it to good use, okay?
”

I swallow the lump in my throat, feeling stronger and able to handle this. It doesn
’
t seem as insurmountable now. I don
’
t know how he does this, how he makes everything seem so manageable, but I love it about him.

“
You
’
re amazing,
”
I tell him.

“
I know,
”
he retorts, cocky.
“
Let me know how it goes.
”

“
I will. Love you.
”

“
You, too, Liv.
”

Ripples dance in the reservoir, reflecting the crescent shape of the moon in the water. The night is so
clear;
I can see millions of stars. Staring out my window, I realize this is one of the things I love about this house; one of the things that makes it special to me. Nowhere else can I see these stars, and so often, the clouds keep them at bay here as well–but not tonight.

I know it
’
s cold outside, and a little windy, but I decide to go out on the roof anyway. Dad hates it when I do this alone, but he should have never taken me out here when I was younger and introduced me to the most spectacular view on the planet. I put on my coat and my scarf and grab a few blankets from my bed. I dig through the messenger bag to find my gloves and remember the flowers. I take them with me, too, just so I can feel closer to him.