Contessa (30 page)

I
’
d been praying every night for an unexpected business trip that would take him to another country for a few weeks. He hasn
’
t done that since Trey was born.

“
I want to give you something for your birthday, Livvy, but you can
’
t tell your parents.
”

“
What is it?
”

“
It
’
s something I think might help you to really explore your creativity. Nate had a few sketchbooks, but there was one in particular that was really special to him. He used to carry it with him constantly. It was reserved for one purpose.
”

“
What purpose?
”

“
He drew in it, he wrote songs and prose in it... all about one thing. It was a study in that one thing.
”

“
Which was?
”

“
The love he felt for your mother, first as a friend, and then as something more. He struggled with his feelings for years, Livvy. But it
’
s fascinating to see how he worked things out–how he outlined his problems in a rough sketch and then a few pages later, had a brilliant work that resolved that issue for him. Well, as best as it could in the constraints he lived with in his life.
”

“
What constraints?
”

“
He never would allow himself to act on his feelings for Emi. He had a deep fear that she couldn
’
t return his love. And in truth, it took her awhile to get to that point. So the solutions he derived were all in the form of art or words. They were an outward expression of feelings he couldn
’
t get across in any other way.

“
I think you might be able to relate to his thought process. And I know your parents might consider it too mature for you, some of the things he grappled with. But in all honesty, they
’
re things that we all struggle with. Even sixteen-year-old girls. They
’
re just feelings that parents don
’
t want to consider their young children are having.
”

She sets a worn, brown, leather-bound book in front of me. It
’
s wrapped with a leather strap, and I can tell it
’
s been secured like this for quite some time.

“
Does Mom know about it?
”

“
I told her about it a few times. She never wanted to see it, though. It was too painful right after he died, and I don
’
t think she wanted anything to come between her and your father a few years later. So don
’
t get me in trouble, okay?
”
She laughs slightly, but I immediately agree, never wanting anything to come between
the precious book and me
.

“
Why does my dad hate Nate so much?
”

“
Oh, honey, he certainly doesn
’
t hate him,
”
she says.
“
You think I
’
d continue to work with a man who hated my son?
”

“
Well, you both love my mom.
”

“
True. Your dad came back into Emi
’
s life right after Nate died. She was still getting over the loss of Nate as she was falling in love with Jack. I think there were times when she was truly conflicted, and confused about her feelings. I know it caused your father some pain.

“
He
’
s the most patient man I
’
ve ever met,
”
she concludes.

“
Not these days,
”
I complain.

“
You
’
re a teenager,
”
she says.
“
You
’
re supposed to say that.
”

“
You don
’
t understand,
”
I counter, trying to get her to realize the validity of my feelings.
“
He
doesn
’
t understand. He never tries to. He just makes his snap judgments and he never looks back.
”

“
Livvy, there is not a single parent on this earth who
’
s perfect. We try our best, though, and we
’
re always learning.
”

“
I bet you were a great mom to Nate.
”

“
I tried, but I
’
ll forever regret hiding his father
’
s alcoholism. I think my denial robbed Nate of precious years with his dad. And the guilt I felt after that caused me to give him too much freedom. He was angry at me for a few years, especially when I started dating again after his father passed away. He was about your age, actually. He rebelled. He was angry.
”

“
I
’
d give anything for a little more freedom. I bet Nate would have given me freedom.
”

She cocks her head to the side.
“
What, if he was your father or something?
”

“
Yeah,
”
I suggest, realizing it
’
s the first time I
’
ve ever said anything like this to her.

She smiles somberly and a tear forms in one of her eyes.
“
We
’
ll never know,
”
she says sadly.

“
I
’
m sorry, Granna. I didn
’
t mean to upset you.
”

“
I think that if he had lived, and his baby had lived, she would have been just like you. In my mind, sometimes I like to pretend.
”

“
Pretend what?
”

“
I consider you my granddaughter,
”
she says as she shakes her head.
“
And I just see so much of him in you. I know that makes no sense–
”

“
I see it, too,
”
I tell her softly.
“
I feel like he should have been my father.
”

“
Not
should
have, honey,
”
she says.
“
Could
have. In another lifetime, maybe, but you
’
re where you belong, with a beautiful mother whom I adore and a father who would do anything for you.
”

“
He wouldn
’
t, though,
”
I argue.
“
Jack wants me to be some certain way, and I
’
m just not that girl!
”

“
Livvy,
”
she stops me, concerned.
“
You don
’
t call him
‘
Jack,
’
do you?
”

“
No.
”

“
Please, don
’
t ever do that. I know you
’
re going through some rough times with him, but that would hurt him, sweetie. I don
’
t think you understand how badly you could hurt him. You are his world.
”

“
I
hear
that,
”
I say, frustrated.
“
I hear
him
say that. I hear
Mom
say that. I hear
you
say that. But I don
’
t
see
that. I feel like just another possession of his. Something he owns and controls. I
’
m my own person, and I just want to be that person. And I want him to be okay with that! If I had a father like Nate, he
’
d accept me for me. He
’
d understand me. He
’
d help me to be different, to stand out. I know he would.
”

“
Liv, I
’
m not sure it
’
s healthy for you to think like this, sweetie.
”

“
You just said you think that way sometimes.
”

“
When I do it, it
’
s a private thing and it doesn
’
t hurt anyone. It doesn
’
t have the potential to devastate a man who appears so steady and powerful and in control. He
’
s none of those things where you
’
re involved, Livvy. He is a fragile soul, when it comes to you. Every decision he makes that affects you is well-considered and fraught over, I have no doubt.
”

“
The man you and Mom know–that you two
defend
–he
’
s not the same man
I
know. You
’
d see him differently through my eyes.
”

“
Okay,
”
Granna says, resigned. We can both sense that we
’
re not going to agree upon this tonight.
“
I
’
ll just say this one last thing. I think Nate would have struggled with parenting decisions much more than your father. Jackson was made to be a parent. Nate was not naturally suited for fatherhood. He was a lover,
”
she says, raising her eyebrows. I remember back to the conversation I had with my mom after my date with Jon.

“
Did you meet all of the women he was with?
”
I ask her.

“
Hardly any,
”
she admits.
“
He kept his love life private, where I was concerned. Although I wanted to meet them, he would always keep them from me.
”

“
Did he get any women pregnant before Mom?
”

My question catches her off-guard.
“
I, um,
”
she stutters, looking at me curiously.
“
If he did, he didn
’
t tell me. I suspect it
’
s a possibility, but like I said,
”
she continues, blowing past the question hurriedly,
“
he didn
’
t share things like that with me. But it
’
s safe to say, if any woman had his child, she
’
d be on my front step asking for financial assistance. He didn
’
t hide his wealth from anyone.
”

I play with the leather strap on the book, making a mental note. If any woman had his child, sure, she
’
d be on Granna
’
s front step–
if she could get there.

“
He could be selfish with his own needs,
”
she says, tapping my hand to get my attention once more.
“
I know he would have changed, for Emi, and for their baby, but I
’
m sure he would have made his share of mistakes. Nate had flaws. He was not perfect. He was my son, and I loved him more than anyone, flaws and all, but I will go ahead and state for the record that I think you ended up with the right father.
”

“
But we
’
ll never know,
”
I repeat her earlier sentiment.

“
I
know,
”
she says.
“
You
’
ll
know someday.
”

I roll my eyes at her.

“
Are you ready to go? It
’
s pretty late and I know you
’
ve got homework.
”