Burned (21 page)

happened, Pattyn? Why are you acting this way?

"Nothing much," I answered, way too snippily. "Except I'm

swollen up like a rotten gourd, my face is threatening to explode with pimples, and . . . and . . . my dad is beating my little sister."

429

Ethan Opened His Arms

I fell into them gratefully.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you all that."

Why are you sorry? Pattyn, we are nothing if we can't

tell each other our secrets.

I wished it were only my

secrets in need of telling. "

Theres a lot more. Dad . . ."

Ethan listened to a long

recitation of my father's sins, minus the part about his own dad.

"I'm scared, Ethan. For

Jackie and my sisters.

For me. And for you."

Don't worry about me. I can

take care of myself, and I

swear I'll keep you safe.

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I knew he would do the best he could, maybe

even offer himself up.

I'm not sure how to help

your sisters, though. Give

me some time to think, okay

431

I Thought He'd

Run

if he knew.

Instead, he offered

help, not that I believed he could possibly

help.

I thought he'd

turn his back, close his heart, slink

away.

Iristead, he promised

sanctuary.

Of course, he didn't

really know Dad, the power of his demons, or his warped moral code.

Safety was a relative term. I was safe here, hugged by sanity.

But even with Ethan by my side, the closer

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I let myself get to home, the more uncertain our

future

would become.

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I Made Ethan Promise

Not to tell his dad or Aunt J.

So now my nasty family secrets

could gnaw at him, too.

Neither of us could figure a way to stop my dad without calling in the authorities.

We could call Secret Witness,

Ethan suggested.
That way no one

would know who made the call.

I debated that for a day or two.

Would Dad think Jackie called?

Someone from church? Me?

What would the cops find when

they got to our house? Signs of abuse?

Simple squalor? Nothing of importance?

What would they do if they found

something "off"? Issue a warning?

Put the girls in foster care?

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Would Dad have to go to court?

Get counseling? Would that help or only make him angrier still?

Too many questions, with no

clear answers. I was more confused than ever. And it began to show.

435

Didn't Smile

I didn't talk much.

I picked at my food.

One morning, Aunt J

asked,
Feeling all right?

I stared at the table.

"Okay, I guess."

Everything good between you and Ethan?

I nodded my head.

"Everything's okay."

Well, seems to me you're

not the Pattyn I'm used to.

How could I deny it?

"I know."

So will you tell me what's

wrong, please?

I shook my head.

"I can't."

Pattyn, you're not in the family way, are you?

"No! That's not it."

I almost wished it was.

At least then.

436

Journal Entry, August 14

Something inside me is shouting, some instinct teüing me to run, run

fast before everything falls

apart, like an old dust rag.

I don't know why I believed I

could actuallyfind happiness and hold on to it. Dad won't let

that happen, will he?

I should have known I couldn't

escape his ghosts. They followed me

here and waitedfor the perfect

moment tojump out and say boo.

God must be punishing me after all. I truly was beginning to believe

Aunt J's theories about love and God being one and the same.

I truly thought the love Ethan and I share was blessed by God, that He would forgive the physical

part because the rest was pure.

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Maybe the Church was right.

Maybe I'm selfish.

Maybe I'm evil.

Maybe I'm damned.

I feel like I'm on a tightrope, barely balancing. I know it's a long way down and I'm

afraid I'm destined to crash.

438

Part of That Feeling of Dread

Came from the fact

that the new school

year was closing in.

The Semester would start in less than two weeks.

Where did that leave me?

I still hadn't heard

word one from home.

School here? There?

Torn between needing to stay and wanting to leave, wanting to be closer to Ethan, ho
w
would I survive, not

seeing him for weeks, maybe

months, at a time?

Ethan quit his Job, to spend

more time with me before he had to pack up and go.

439

As the end of the month

drew nearer, each day

grew shorter than the last.

440

'Time Became the Enemy

I could feel the hours

slip away, drift away, rush away, beyond our

reach forever.

I wanted to melt, make

him drink

me down so he would

carry me inside him.

Though we

must have

eaten, must

have slept, it seemed

all we did was make

love, each

time better, each time

sweeter, each time

more frantic than the last.

441

One of Those Times

I can't remember exactly

which day, only that it was in the cool of morning,

Ethan rolled away and said,
Oh my God.

I knew instantly that

God had already closed

His ears. "What's wrong?"

Don't panic, Pattyn, but the condom tore.

My parents had never

let me take sex ed, but panic seemed appropriate.

7
mean, the odds are long

that anything will go wrong.

Everything was going

wrong lately. Why should

this be any different?

This happened to me once

before. Turned outfine.

I didn't want to hear details.

I didn't want to consider odds.

I didn't know what to say.

Pattyn? Are you okay?

Say something.

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"Maybe I'd better go clean

up." It wasn't much, but it was all I could think to do.

443

One More Thing

To fret about, in my bed at night.

Just add it to the list, growing longer by the minute.

I tried not to stress

too much over it.

After all, with so many tangibles

Söcking my gut, a "might be, but probably nothing to worry about"

didn't exactly

top my list.

And the phone call

that came a day or two after pushed

everything else to the back of my mind.

444

Aunt J Summoned Me Inside

And her eyes told me all

I needed to know.

That was your father.

He wants you home.

I'd expected it. Hoped for it. Dreaded it. So why

did I feel so surprised?

Why did I let myself cry?

Don't do that, Pattyn.

You know I don't want to see you go. If you cry,

I will too.

I coughed back a sob.

"But what about you?

I don't want to leave

you all by yourself."

I'hve been by myself for years. Besides, thanks

mostly to you, Tve got

Kevin in my life again.

The thought comforted me a little. "But what about

Ethan? What if they won't

let me see him?"

445

Love is stubborn. You

two will find a way to each other. But please

be smart about it.

She knew, as I did, exactly what was at stake.

So I felt safe admitting, "I'm scared, Aunt J."

You just have to make it through this year. Then

leave. You always have a second home. Here.

446

What Same Day

Another letter arrived from Jackie, too late to serve as a warning:

Dear Pattyn,

I heard Mom and Dad

talking. They want you to come home so you can

help take care of the baby.

I guess youve got enough

credits to graduate only

going to school half days.

I thought Td be happier, having you home. But I

changed my mind. If you're

okay there, and you can

find a way to stay, don't come home, Pattyn.

Because then Da

d wouldn't just hit me.

He'd hit you, too.

Love, Jackie

447

Dad Wanted to Come Get Me

The Saturday before school started, although he wasn't particularly

anxious to make that long trip again.

So when Aunt J mentioned a friend of hers was driving to Reno, he felt more than
willing
to give me permission to ride along.

Luckily, he had no clue

that person was the man I had

fallen desperately in love with.

The night before we left,

Aunt J and Kevin fixed a big

dinner, and when I came downstairs, there were gifts on the table.

First I opened Kevins, a book on horsemanship, so I could

"practice up for next summer."

448

Aunt J handed me a small package.

Inside was a cell phone.
You can

call me any time. Don't worry about minutes. I've got them covered.

Face red, but brave in spite of it,

Ethan offered an even smaller box.

My hands shook as I opened it.

Set in a gold promise ring, three

small diamonds glittered.
One for you, one for me, one for us,
he said sweetly.
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love you.

Aunt J started to cry.

"You said not to do that," I scolded, eyes tearing up too.

Kevin grinned.
Women! You

gotta love 'em. Now how about dinner? I like my steak rare.

What about you?

449

Our Last Night Together

Defined bittersweet.

It was beautiful, laden with stars and the serenade of crickets, barn

owls, and bullfrogs, late summer voices.

It was sorrowful, filled with frail

promises that our

bloom into family

would not wither with time, distance.

It was spectacular, a vision of love

perfected, two

humans joined in earthly lust and spiritual passion.

450

It was the worst

night of my life, because no matter

how hard I tried to believe it would

all work out in the end .

451

The Old Pattyn Resurfaced

To tell the new

Pattyn she was crazy.

Whoever directed her heavenly

soul to be placed in this

earthly body had

suffering in mind. Just my

luck, my

angel

mentor was tilted a bit to the sadistic

side. But why

punish an innocent, unless in the end

everyone was guilty of unredeemable sin, programmed by some

452

sibling, or so the Mormon

Church claimed, of God above?

453

I Thought I Knew "Sad"

But saying good-bye to Aunt J was like stepping into quicksand, knowing it was there.