Read Bloody Acquisitions (Fred Book 3) Online
Authors: Drew Hayes
Tags: #undeath and taxes, #fred the vampire, #Vampires, #paranormal, #the utterly uninteresting and unadventurous tales of fred the vampire accountant, #vampire humor, #paranormal satire, #vampire satire
“How about everybody chills the fuck out for a second,” Krystal suggested. “Lil, I know there’s some explaining to do, so why don’t you come inside and ask us whatever questions you’ve got. I’ll get the manor staff to whip up some grub. Arch, put the damn gun down; she’s not going to bolt into the night.”
“What makes you so sure?” Arch asked.
“Because she’s the one who really wants an explanation, which I’m offering to give her,” Krystal said. “Plus, she knows we’ve got her name and clan, so running wouldn’t do much good. If we told them we wanted to question her about something, the Turvas would likely hand over her head and say she broke an internal law. They’re not big on their people talking to agents.”
If any part of me had wondered about the idea of being pulled into the Turva clan, that perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad, the fact that Lillian didn’t dispute Krystal’s theory quickly put those notions to bed. Instead of arguing, my fellow vampire simply turned and walked into Charlotte Manor wordlessly, leaving the three of us behind.
“Why in the hell didn’t you give me a heads up you were coming home early?” Krystal asked.
“I didn’t think about it,” I said. “Tonight has been kind of . . . hectic.”
With that, I launched into the story of what we’d dealt with so far: Bubba’s transformation, the satyr couple’s fight, Lillian’s revelation of what the Turvas thought of my business. By the time I was done, Krystal and Arch had thrown the three ghoul corpses into the back of the van and jerry-rigged the door to stay shut.
“Guess the jig is officially up. No need to stay uncomfortable.” Krystal yanked the blood-ruined sweatshirt off to reveal a black tank-top underneath. She popped open the barely working rear door and hurled the soaked garment into the back with the corpses. “What’s the play now, Freddy?”
“I honestly don’t know.” The night had started with a plan. Maybe not a great one, but it had been there, an idea of how to handle things that might get me out unscathed. Now, though, all of it was in shambles. Lillian knew everything and would report it back to the Turva clan. There was always the chance that me dating an agent could buy some protection, but Krystal herself had said she was limited by the law. If they found a way to come after me without breaking the treaties that bound them, she’d either have to stand by or violate the law herself. Running seemed more and more like the only real option we had. And yet, part of me was still resisting. I didn’t want to leave Winslow, even if every rational part of me screamed that it was the smart thing to do. If there was even a chance of staying, I wanted to try and uncover it.
“Let’s just talk to her,” I said at last. “Maybe we can find common ground, or reach an understanding, or something.”
“Even if you can, she doesn’t speak for the clan as a whole.” Arch obviously noticed the surprised look on my face, since he continued with an explanation. “Krystal brought me up to speed on your situation.”
“Arch, do I even want to know why you have a van full of ghouls parked outside Charlotte Manor?” I asked, realizing for the first time just how insane that really was.
“You might want to, but you aren’t going to find out. It’s confidential,” he told me.
“In the future, if you could avoid bringing dangerous creatures to suburban areas, I’d really appreciate it.” I didn’t even try to temper the sarcasm in my voice; my patience for the day had worn almost completely through.
“Can’t make that promise,” Arch replied, unbothered by my tone. That was about par for the course with him, though; I’d been the silly one for expecting to make a dent in his stoic countenance.
“Let’s just go get this done.” I walked up the drive to the manor, Krystal arriving at my side seconds later. She said nothing, just took my hand and squeezed it tight, reminding me once again that she was there. If I hadn’t already told her that I loved her, it would have burst from my lips in that moment. Curiously, having said those words to one another already, there wasn’t any need to speak them as we made our way into the house. We both knew, just as we knew that however this all went down, we would face it together. Rain or shine, we were in it, side by side.
Lillian was waiting for us in the dining room, a slice of apple pie sitting untouched in front of her. One of the waiter versions of Charlotte stood quietly nearby, awaiting any order or request that Lillian might make. We took our seats, and seconds later another waiter arrived, setting pie down in front of both Krystal and me.
“Coffee, too, if you don’t mind,” Krystal requested. Our waiter nodded and headed into the kitchen, where he would wait as long as coffee normally took to brew before returning with the magically conjured cup. We didn’t really need to pretend at this point, but I held my tongue. Charlotte’s secret had no relation to mine, and it wasn’t my place to give hers away without cause.
“You’re him.” Lillian’s arms were crossed, and the stare in her eyes could have shamed a sociopath as she glared at me from across the table. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier. That zombie had a freaking
sword
in his hands, but I thought he’d just picked it up from the junk tossed about. Friends with mages, therians, and dating an agent, plus your assistant had a weapon of destiny in his possession. You’re the vampire everyone is talking about.”
“I am.” It felt oddly good to admit that. Even with things crumbling around me, stepping out of the shadow of deceit was freeing. “And I’m not. The things you’ve heard about me, some of them are true, but only in the most technical sense of the term. I didn’t pretend to be someone I’m not, or lie about what I do for a living. I really am just a Certified Public Parahuman Accountant. Nothing more.”
“Except that you’ve consorted with dragons, and brokered a peace with the leader of the therians,” Lillian snapped.
“Like I said, technically true, but there were extenuating circumstances.”
“Well, I’m listening,” Lillian told us. “Explain the circumstances to me. Let’s hear the truth behind the rumors.”
My eyes darted to Krystal, who met them with a slight shrug. This was my choice to make, and while I knew she would back me in whatever I decided, she couldn’t make the call for me. Giving Lillian information was dangerous. Everything I said, every weakness I revealed, all of it could be used against me. If that happened, though, was I really any worse off? Right now, fleeing was far and away the best option before me. Talking to Lillian wouldn’t take that off the table, not with Arch and Krystal on my side. But it might open up a new path, one I couldn’t see on my own. I was already on the brink of losing everything, why not roll the dice one more time?
“I’d say it all really started when I decided to go to my high school reunion . . . .”
10.
By the time I was done, the pie, along with a few cups of coffee and glasses of wine, had all long been put away. I didn’t tell Lillian everything, the personal information and secrets of others never touched my tongue, but I did give her a good overview of what the last few years had been like. She was skeptical at first; however, after one story led to the next, she slowly began to come around and see how it was possible for me to have technically pulled off so many seemingly impressive achievements without actually being the vampire rumors made me out to be.
The one secret of my own that I skipped over was my immunity to silver. Showing her some trust, seeing if she might be willing to help me find a path to peaceful coexistence with her people, that was all well and good, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a secret ace in the hole. The House of Turva not knowing silver didn’t affect me could easily be the difference between escape and capture in a dire situation. I skimmed past it, wrapping up my tale with the events of the night Colin the vampire hunter had appeared.
“This was really not what I expected when Petre put me on the assignment.” Lillian took a long sip from her glass of wine—a chardonnay that, while certainly of high quality, was far too sweet for my liking. “I figured a week or so to learn your operation, plus a few days for the seduction—”
“Pardon me?” Krystal didn’t reach for her gun, but she did grip her coffee mug a bit tighter.
“I didn’t know he had a girlfriend when they told me to come work for him,” Lillian explained. “And do you think I really wanted to do that in the first place? No offense, Fredrick. You’re a nice enough guy, but it’s not like I’m keen on being ordered to seduce people I’m not even into.”
“Then why do it?” I asked. My familiarity with the treaties and laws of parahuman kind was lacking in anything aside from the fiscal department, yet I couldn’t imagine being part of a clan meant completely surrendering one’s freedom.
“It’s just the way things are done.” Another sip, this time enough to nearly drain the glass. Seconds later, the kitchen door opened and one of Charlotte’s many waiter forms appeared with a fresh chardonnay in hand. She might not have name-brand, but there was never a need to go thirsty while staying at Charlotte Manor.
“Do you know why I got turned in the first place?” Lillian continued. “It’s because they were trying to get at a local politician of the time, collecting dirt to use so they could leverage control over him. And he supposedly had a thing for dark-haired women. That’s it. I was given eternal life just so they could try and tempt some mayor into cheating on his wife.”
“That is . . . really shitty,” I said.
“Funniest part: it didn’t even work. Turns out, he was gay. But of course, in those days, no one could actually admit to such a thing, especially not while in public office. The whole ‘dark hair’ thing was just a rumor; as far as I know, he never touched a woman, which suited his wife fine. They were what we used to call a ‘good fit,’ for the times.”
“Speculation?” Arch asked.
“Very much confirmed.” A bit of a smile appeared on Lillian’s face—the first time since we’d been attacked by ghouls.
“Wait . . . .” Understanding set in at the sight of her grin, followed immediately by a fresh bout of confusion. “Then, why would they ask you to try and seduce me? I’ll admit I’m not the most impressive of them, but I am still male.”
“There’s a lot of room between zero and six, Fredrick.” Lillian chuckled to herself, polishing off the last of her glass and pulling over the new one the waiter had dropped off. “That Kinsey fellow had more sense than most of the others from his time.”
“Steering the conversation away from how you were supposed to fuck my boyfriend, what, exactly, did your clan expect to come out of this?” Krystal asked.
Lillian paused, seemingly considering her options. “I suppose, since it’s all a bust, there’s no harm in telling you. We figured that you were probably running a successful blood-harvesting business, so the goal was to learn how that worked. On the off chance that you were on the up-and-up, though, I was supposed to charm my way into your client files to get account information for all the wealthy parahumans you’d worked with. Ideally, that would have been enough to scam or outright steal from them. Funding an entire clan’s relocation isn’t cheap.”
“Don’t suppose you’d be willing to say that to a judge in the Agency.” From the grim frown on Arch’s face, he already knew it was going to be a no, and was asking purely out of formality.
“Even if I did, I’m just a grunt on the ladder,” Lillian said. “Everyone worth holding accountable would say they had no idea I was warping a gesture of friendship with such awful intentions. The most I could accomplish would be to incriminate myself.”
“Which, seeing as you just confessed in front of a pair of agents, you technically already did,” Krystal pointed out.
The table fell silent as we all nursed our respective drinks and tried to figure out where to go from here with the conversation. Arch and Krystal could haul Lillian in, but I couldn’t see a way that would benefit any of us, especially Lillian. She was offering us information; repaying her with incarceration seemed like a poor trade. Finally, I spoke, determined to try and make some headway with the opportunity we’d been presented.
“Is there any chance of peace between me and the House of Turva?” I asked. “Knowing that I’m just some schmuck, with no blood business or real resources to offer, would they be willing to leave me alone?”
“No resources?” Lillian looked at me with incredulity, and Krystal’s own gaze wasn’t far behind. “Fredrick, you are quite possibly the most connected parahuman in the state, to say nothing of Winslow. Your lover is an agent, the powerful leader of the local therians calls you friend, you clearly have close ties to a renowned mage and the wielder of a weapon of destiny—who, apparently, is also best buds with a necromancer, of all things—and as the cherry on the sundae, you’ve earned the respect of an ancient dragon. If you called in enough favors, you could wipe out our entire clan.”
“But I don’t have those favors to call in,” I protested. “And even if I did, I would never use my friends like that. They aren’t assets to be tapped when I need something handled; they’re people I care about.”
“Oddly enough, I actually believe you,” Lillian said. “Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a bit of a softy compared to the others, or maybe you’re just easy to read. Whatever it is, I honestly believe that you wouldn’t try to use your friends, especially not to attack people. The problem is that almost no one else in my clan will buy that, and even if they did, they would still want to wipe you out before a century passed and you changed your mind. Time does funny things to us all, eventually.”