Better Deeds Than Words (Words#2) (26 page)

“Oh my God, what the hell am I going to do? Daniel is gonna have a shit fit!”

Julie nudged my arm away from my face. “Let’s think this through. Why was she telling you?”

“To freak me out? To scare me? It’s no mystery she doesn’t like me.”

“She’s probably jealous. Maybe she wants the upper hand for once. Maybe she has no intention of doing anything with the information. If she was planning to use what she knows, wouldn’t she have done something by now?”

That was a good point. If she meant to hurt me or Daniel, why would she wait weeks to do it?

Unless…

“Maybe she’s biding her time to see if she needs leverage. Perhaps if Daniel assigns her a low mark she can use what she knows to blackmail him.”

My thoughts flickered anxiously to Nicola. I couldn’t discuss Daniel’s history at Oxford with Julie, but there was a very real possibility that Cara had similar plans in mind.

“You need to tell him,” Julie said resolutely.

“Don’t you think I should get proof before I start throwing around accusations?”

“You don’t have to word it that way. Tell him what she said and what you
suspect
she might mean.”

“And then tell him that I was blabbing about him and our relationship indiscreetly in a public washroom? He’ll kill me. Any hope of a relationship, out the window. Fuck, this is brutal!”

“I’m just as much to blame.”

I tried to picture myself telling Daniel. I’d have to break my promise to his father and tell him in person. It’s not like I could call him or tell him in an email. I imagined the look of panic on his face. All his worst fears and nightmares would be realized. What if he had an anxiety attack right there and then? What if I couldn’t talk him down?

“Jul, I need to think this through and figure out what to do next. Please don’t say anything to Jeremy, okay?”

“If that’s what you want. I won’t be seeing Jer until next week, anyway. I’ll be on the train by ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Are you gonna be okay here alone this weekend?”

“I’ll be fine. I’m planning to work my ass off to try to make a dent in these last three papers.”

“Is Matt going to be around?”

“No. He’s going to Sarah’s until Sunday night.”

“And Jo?”

I shook my head.

“That sucks. You should come home with me.”

“I have three classes tomorrow. I can’t miss them. I’ll keep myself busy, don’t worry.”

She looked at me sadly. “Try to stay positive. I’m sure everything will be fine. Maybe Cara’s just blowing smoke.” She squeezed my hand. “You know there’s a big Easter dinner at Casa Grant on Sunday, right?”

“Yeah, Daniel was telling me about it. They’re going to church for the Easter service and then having an early dinner because Penny leaves for England Sunday night, right?”

“That’s what Jer said. It’ll be so fun when the semester is over and you and I can go to some of these Grant family events. I can’t wait until they know about us and we can all hang out together,” she said.

Julie, the eternal optimist, was looking ahead to the end of the semester as if nothing had changed. I wasn’t as hopeful. The likelihood of the six of us having a great time together
anywhere
was now in question because I had foolishly committed the cardinal Grant sin: I hadn’t been discreet.

An hour later I was sitting in the middle of my bed in fleece PJ pants and Daniel’s black T-shirt. Cara’s whispered warning made the hair on my neck stand on end every time I thought about it. Desperate for a distraction, I opened the CD Daniel had made me. He’d created a liner sleeve—a picture of a cherubic angel playing a lute. Across the top he’d included the words, “
If music be the food of love, play on.
”

I slipped the CD into my laptop and scanned the folded papers he’d included in the envelope. What I saw made my heart flip. It was a list of the songs on the CD, along with selected lyrics and a personal commentary explaining why he’d chosen each one. I took a deep breath and started the CD, alternately reading along with Daniel’s notes and listening to the music as each new song began.

It was like a scrapbook of our relationship thus far, each song corresponding to an event from the past couple of months or tied to his feelings for me. He covered everything from the early days of our acquaintance to our mutual admission that we had feelings for one another and beyond.

He claimed to have included the second-to-last song, “Heart on My Sleeve” by Idina Menzel, because the words made him think of my willful independence. In the liner notes, he’d written,
Your combination of strength and vulnerability takes my breath away. You amaze me—every single day—without fail
.

Tears welled in my eyes, but they spilled over when the last song began. I’d never heard of it, but “You’re the Best Thing” by The Style Council was an old favorite of Daniel’s, one which had suddenly come to mean more to him than ever before. His notation to accompany the song said,
You are the best thing that’s happened to me, Aubrey. Mark my words—this is a song we’ll make love to.

I finally gave in to my tears, sobbing openly. If I’d listened to the CD before my conversation with Cara, I’m sure I would have reacted emotionally, but now the knowledge that she could do him serious harm if she went public with her allegations, or if she tried to blackmail him into giving her a better mark on her conference or her paper—well, that changed everything. She would ruin him and probably destroy any chances we would have for happiness by irreparably tainting our relationship.

Unable to string words together coherently enough to thank Daniel for his wonderful gift, I went to bed at midnight. My eyes were sore from crying.

On Thursday morning, I awoke just before ten o’clock. Prior to leaving for my class at St. Mike’s, I managed to throw together a quick email to Daniel to thank him for the CD and to explain how deeply the songs and accompanying words had touched me. I also tried to impress upon him that this present meant more to me than any gift with high monetary value possibly could. I didn’t mention anything about Cara or her ominous warning.

Daniel wrote back almost immediately to say he was so glad I’d written—he’d been worried when he hadn’t heard from me the night before, but he’d assumed I’d been too tired after class to give the CD a listen. He said choosing those songs and writing about what they meant to him was one of the most enjoyable things he’d ever done for someone and that he wished he could make me a hundred more CDs just like it.

I thought I’d cried myself dry the night before. I was wrong.

By the time my French lecture came to a close that afternoon, I’d managed to forget and then subsequently remember Cara’s cryptic advice too many times to keep track of. My mind would wander as I moved through my day, and then her words would come back to me with a sudden jolt and I’d cringe, my shoulders lifting as if to protect me from some tangible physical onslaught.

All day I vacillated between wanting to stick my head in the sand to avoid dealing with her threat and knowing I needed to face it head-on. As I made my way back to Vic after my final lecture of the day, I decided the best course of action would be to track Cara down at the campus pub that night. It was the only approach that would clear my mind and alleviate my anxiety.

With that decision made, I sat on a bench in front of Hart House to read the email Daniel had sent while I’d been in class.

From: Jung Willman
To: Miss_V
Date: Thurs, Apr 9, 3:15:43 PM
Subject: LONG weekends

Well, here we are, poppet, on the brink of a very long weekend. Normally these extra days off are such a boon, but I’m certainly not looking forward to it. The fact that I won’t see you until next Wednesday has me feeling really lost.

I wish you were coming with me to my parents’ for Easter dinner. My mom makes a mean turkey dinner—which you know—but Patty’s bringing her famous pecan pie. It’s to die for. I wish you could be right by my side, trying it for yourself.

April 13th was my grandfather’s birthday. Easter was at the end of March last year, but this year, with the family dinner being the day before his birthday, I’m anticipating some melancholy moments at the table. I’ll probably go to see him on Monday. Since you won’t be sitting beside me on his bench this time, I’ll feel even sadder.

God, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m burdening you with all this. I wish we could talk face to face, but I know you’re trying to do the right thing. You’re so strong, my lovely.

Anyway, at the risk of putting undue pressure on you, I’m going to say this anyway…feel free to call me this weekend. But if you can’t bring yourself to do that, then please email me as much as you like. Regardless of what I’m doing, know that I’ll be thinking about you.

-D
xo

Daniel’s words led to more pangs, and again tears clouded my eyes as I read. I typed out a reply on my phone, struggling to keep my tone light.

From: Miss_V
To: Jung Willman
Date: Thurs, Apr 9, 5:17:07 PM
Subject: Re: LONG weekends

Hey, sunshine, I know exactly how you feel. I’ll miss you so much this weekend. I’m dreading all this time alone. On the bright side, I hope to get a ton of school work done, but that’s not exactly something to look forward to.

I hope your dinner with your family isn’t too gloomy. I’m sure Patty will feel sad—I bet she misses your grandfather so much. If you have a moment alone with her, tell her I said hi and I’m thinking of her. And when you talk to your grandfather on Monday, please tell him I think the world of his grandson, okay?

I’m heading back to Jackman now. I have a beautiful CD that I need to listen to eleventy-billion times. Talk to you later.

Your Poppet

Chapter 17

Truth

Out with it boldly: truth loves open dealing.
(
Henry viii
, Act III, Scene 1)