Authors: James Dawson
Being a Boy (13 page)
Therefore, the rest of us have to GO DATING or GO ON THE PULL.
DATING
Even if you DO meet someone naturally, you still have to talk to them, so even the lucky few might need a little help. The best place to find out if there’s ‘something there’ is to take someone on a date. Talking to people you fancy can be nerve-wracking because sexthoughts are the natural enemy of logical thinking. Hopefully we can make the process as painless as possible.
| Step 1: The ask and the answer | So you met someone, either in real life or cyberspace. Say to the object of your desire: ‘Do you wanna go out sometime?’ Your new love-chum will say ‘YES’, ‘NO’ or ‘WHO ELSE IS GOING?’, which is a polite way of saying ‘I don’t like you like THAT’. If she, or he, says no, start sending letters made from cut-up magazine letters. Oh no, wait … DON’T do that. Instead move on and take it like a man. You don’t fancy everyone in the world, and the rest of the world isn’t forced to fancy you. |
| Step 2: Choosing a venue | So they said yes? YAY! This next decision is going to depend on your budget. The actual venue of the date isn’t important, as long as you have somewhere to chat. Therefore the cinema or theatre aren’t actually that great unless you’re going to get food before or after. Restaurants are the classic option, but a walk in the park – during the day, idiot, unless you want them to think you’re a weirdo – is free and serves the same purpose. Bowling alleys are always good because if you run out of things to say you can chat about the game. NB: Always let your date win. |
| Step 3: Conversation | On a GOOD date, conversation will flow naturally because you’ll have loads of shared interests. However, a good rule of thumb is BE INTERESTED. Don’t throw out facts about yourself and present opinions or you’ll look like a self-involved cock. Instead ask questions, find out about their life. Your date will also ask questions which you should answer honestly. This is how you’ll find out if you like each other. Safe topics involve family, school, work, music, TV and hobbies. Stay away from money, politics and religion. |
| Step 4: Leave ’em wanting more | This is SO important. Even if you’re having the BESTEST TIME EVER AND IMAGINING WHAT YOUR KIDS WILL LOOK LIKE, you should end the date. Firstly, if a date goes on too long it can run out of steam but more importantly, if things are too intense it can all get a bit scary and off-putting. There’s nothing nicer than going away wanting more. If the date has gone well, end it with arranging the second date. If it hasn’t gone well, don’t promise a second date you have no intention of keeping. |
| Step 5: Aftercare | Also vital. The follow up ‘I had such a nice evening’ text is a great way of making the other person feel great. DON’T do this if you have no intention of making a second date. If a date didn’t go well, a polite, ‘I’m not really looking to start anything at present’, is far better than stringing her along. If it was a bad date, it’s likely they sensed it too – it’s not all about you now, is it? |
Now this is all very well if you’ve met someone already, but what if you haven’t? How do you meet someone in the first place?
I
n Da Club: There are ‘night clubs’ where people go to flaunt their sexual wares to prospective partners. Sometimes it’s also just to have a dance, but mainly clubs are there to enable single people to meet in an environment where almost everyone is on the pull.
Now, in all honesty a lot of people ‘in da club’ are just looking to have fun – a cheeky snog or some no-strings attached, or ‘NSA’ fun. This is fine as long as we’re all honest about it. If you do meet someone you like you can always leave them with your number to arrange a later date. Clubbing isn’t a contest. If you leave without a snog, you haven’t LOST.
If you’re having trouble finding someone, how do you go about it the RIGHT way?
THE HUNT:
Identify your target – this will be someone you fancy based purely on physical grounds.
THE CHASE:
Scope your target. Are they single? With someone? If so, abort mission.
THE KILL:
Make eye contact. Is eye contact returned? Lack of eye contact is a SURE SIGN they are not interested. Eye contact held? Smile. Smile returned? Advance.
THE CHAT-UP:
Whether you’re ‘in da club’ or not, you may well have to make the first move and open the conversation. For something so impossibly simple, so many of us get this wrong.
My personal favourite is a friend of mine who was approached with the opening gambit: ‘You seem like a really cold person.’ I mean, REALLY? He thought THAT was going to get him a shag? Another? ‘You’d be really fit if you lost the tummy.’ I mean PHWOAR, right?
DISCLAIMER
If you think you might like guys and you’re not sure if a guy you like ALSO likes guys, this process can be SUPER-tricky. This is why a lot of guys who like guys go to ‘da gay club’ because most of the guys in there will like other guys. Man, that’s a lot of ‘guys’.
Actual Bad Chat-Up Lines You Should Never Use
‘So … do you watch telly?’
‘Is your surname Jacobs? Because you’re a cracker!’
‘What growls and shags like a tiger?’
*
Growls
*
‘Are you a plumber? Cos when I saw you my nuts tightened.’
A guy who presented his ‘card’ which was, in fact, his number on a cut up cornflake box.
‘What’s got two thumbs and a massive cock?’
*
displays thumbs
*
I think some guys struggle when talking to women because they incorrectly believe they’re taking to an alien race, thus adopting a strange seduction language they think will impress. FACT: women are humans and speak Earth languages. If we have FRIENDLY conversations as FRIENDS we’ll all do a lot better. Remember way back when I said you should talk to girls like they’re your guy friends. Well, you should.
Unless she’s a horrid and rude person, she’ll reply with, ‘Fine thank you, you?’, or launch into a lengthy diatribe about her ill mother and two-faced best friend, in which case, edge away slowly.
Again, unless you’re dealing with a very impolite person, she’ll say: ‘Hey, Romeo. I’m Jules.’
Now this is where it gets tricky. You could go for the classic:
This works only in places that serve beverages, of course. It gives the mark an obvious jumping on or off point. If she says ‘yes’, she’s vaguely interested, if she says ‘no’, she’s not. Simple as that. So the conversation is open. Now refer back to the section on dating. Ask questions, be interested. If you really have to have a chat-up line, make it complimentary.
Always compliment on non-arbitrary things. For example, saying, ‘you have lovely eyes’, can be met only with a cringe-face. What’s the response to, ‘you have lovely eyes’, other than a conversation about dominant and recessive alleles? Instead go for something she CHOSE. For instance, ‘What an amazing tattoo/piercing/necklace’. This opens the door to a starter conversation about the tattoo artist or a comparison of body parts you have pierced. Also stay well away from generic platitudes such as, ‘you look great’, or, ‘you’re beautiful’. Instead focus on something specific. ‘You look great – has anyone ever said you look a bit like her from Twilight?’, or, ‘How do you walk in those shoes? That takes skill!’ Be aware that any line is only a conversation starter, you’ll have to do the rest.
ON THE STREET:
Now this is MUCH riskier and you’ll need rhino-sized balls to pull it off. The problem with this is that ‘in da club’, most people are either with their partner or trying to find one. In the queue at the Post Office, most people are just trying to post things (or because they’re in purgatory). Other than a wedding or engagement ring, there’s no way of telling if someone is single or not. The only thing you can look out for is eye contact.
AT SCHOOL OR AT WORK:
Ah, the joy of the captive audience. When you fancy someone at school or work, it’s great because you get to see them every day for prime stalking. However, this is also the downside because if the chat-up goes wrong you’re stuck with them and THE SHAME.
As you’re at school or work with them, you have way more time to figure out if you like them or not, so there’s no pressure to ‘pull’. My advice would be to let things take their natural course.
THE INTERNET:
It’s not just kiddie fiddlers who use the web to meet people these days. More and more of us are meeting people this way. Some people use dating sites for dating, some use them for NSA. Again, be honest about your goal up-front.
DO be aware that most dating sites have age limits, usually 18, but that doesn’t stop younger teens flirting outrageously on Facebook or Twitter. You MUST follow all those rules your teachers tell you about e-safety: never give out your address online and see the rules about sharing explicit images in
‘The Sexting Generation’
in chapter four. These rules are so simple that even the horniest of us can remember them. If you ALWAYS imagine your online conversations are with a crusty, bearded perv, you’ll be a) a lot more cautious and b) delighted when a pretty girl called Sarah actually turns up for your brightly lit, public date.
Not Interested?
What if a potential suitor tries to pull YOU but you’re not keen? You don’t have to to snog everyone but don’t be a turd about it.
Try: ‘Tonight I’m just here to celebrate my friend’s birthday’; ‘I’ve sort of got my eye on someone else’ or just, ‘you’re not really my type … sorry’. If you are KIND and HONEST anything is fine. DON’T make prolonged eye contact with people you don’t fancy, because it will mislead them.
T
he most important thing to remember when going on the pull is:
BE YOURSELF.
There’s no point in pouting, posing and gesturing when meeting new people (in da club or elsewhere). At the end of the day, you want someone to fall for the real you – the one who likes licking the chocolate off a Jaffa Cake while watching cartoons in bed. Pretending to be someone you’re not to get someone to like you is a sure way of exhausting yourself. Keeping up an act is really hard work.
Also it’s worth remembering that TEAM HOT might look sexy, but they also look unapproachable, vain and stand-offish. TEAM FUN – the guys and gals who are having a great time with their mates – look much more like the guys you’d want to get to know better and they are usually pretty darn good-looking, too.
F
ar, far more than you hear people criticising sex, you hear them evaluating the simple kiss. Kissing is very important as it’s a trailer for sex. You know when you see a movie trailer for a film that looks terrible – you’re unlikely to pay £11 at the cinema for the full feature film? The same is true of kissing and sex.
Kissing is all about LIPS:
L
ocation,
I
nsertion,
P
ressure and
S
aliva.
LOCATION:
You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that you should be aiming for your partner’s mouth, or more precisely lips. However, what might come as a surprise is how many people fall at this first hurdle. ‘Face eating’ is a big problem in our society. You expect a partner to kiss your lips and before you know it, your nose, eyelids, ears and chin are covered in drool.
