Being a Boy (8 page)

Whether a penis is cut – ‘circumcised’, or uncut was much debated amongst the research group. In the UK, less than 20 per cent of all men are cut, with much of this number down to cultural or religious reasons. In the US and Canada, this figure is much higher, with 56 per cent of all US baby boys being cut before they leave hospital. In the US, most parents opt for circumcision simply so their baby boys ‘fit in’ with the majority.

Since time began doctors have been squabbling about the health benefits of circumcision, although if there are any they are minor. The NHS in Britain will NOT carry out ‘elective’ circumcisions without medical or cultural grounds. In truth it makes very little difference to you as a boy. The foreskin is very sensitive, so it is another thing that FEELS NICE. (Don’t try to chop it off at home.) The foreskin should not be too tight around the head, or ‘glans’ of the penis. It should be able to be stretched back fully over the glans. If you cannot do this, it might be worth a trip to your GP or GUM clinic. The state of your penis is of MUCH more importance to the women I interviewed. Repeat after me:

That’s right. Your partner – male or female – will not care what it looks like as long as they cannot smell it. You may well cringe, but how clean is your peen right now? This is especially important for uncut guys. You really must get under that foreskin. SERIOUSLY.

FUNCTION:
So at this point, perhaps much more important than what your penis looks like is ‘is it doing its job?’ This is the root of more stress, I’m afraid. This is why we must get away from this idea of ‘manhood’ being all about your knob.

What does semen look like?

Cum, as it’s better known, is a gloopy, white-grey goo that shoots out of your penis. It’s warm and sticky when it comes out, but soon dries into a charming, flaky crust.

The best comparison is that weird cornflower gunk you use to thicken gravy or glaze cakes.

(DO NOT GLAZE CAKES WITH YOUR SPUNK.)

Cartoons of white tadpoles have probably really confused you. Sperm cells DO look like tadpoles, but only many, many times magnified.

A standard ‘emission’ will give approximately a dessert spoon of cum.

Your testicles will start producing sperm cells and semen, the gunk they hang out in. And from then on, the rest of your time on Earth, previously dedicated to keeping your parents and teachers happy, is about to get a helluva lot more complicated as you continually fight off the desire to put your penis inside things.

Semen MAY start to find its way out through WET DREAMS or ‘nocturnal emission’. This is when your subconsciously stimulated penis has a happy in the night and releases an amount of semen. Not everyone has wet dreams and you don’t actually have to be dreaming about sex to get one. In a US study 13 per cent of boys said their first ejaculation was a wet dream. It is thought masturbation is one way of minimising the chances of it occurring, see
‘The Art of the Crafty Wank’
in this chapter.

Wet dreams are a cause of much tension as many boys fear the ‘evidence’ being discovered by their parent or grown up. Hopefully, you’ll be able to discuss it honestly with them. If not, don’t sweat it because now you know that having wet dreams is totally normal.

Sometimes like any other part of a body, the penis might not do what it is supposed to. With so much pressure about size, shape, smell, name, it’s no wonder the poor little fella might get nervous. If you’re channelling your entire being into 5.9 inches of your body, it’s a miracle the thing doesn’t shrivel up and die entirely.

‘Erectile dysfunction’, ‘premature ejaculation’ and ‘delayed ejaculation’ are the three most common sexual problems that men experience. In more fun terms, these mean: ‘floppy cock’; ‘cums in a second’ and ‘my wrist is tired’.

Your penis goes hard when blood flows into the soft tissue. It’s hydraulics. Sometimes, however, this doesn’t happen. There are about a million reasons why – stress, nerves, alcohol, cigarettes, for example and that’s only a glimpse. Lots of men under 40 – 10 per cent in fact – will suffer erectile dysfunction at some stage. For men over 40, this percentage increases. This number is a reported figure, so it’s actually probably much more common because men don’t like admitting it’s happening to them out of pride. Remember, if it sometimes happens, that doesn’t mean it will always happen.

Obviously, the more you freak out the less likely you will be to get a stiffy. Stop. Relax. Try again in five. Later, you’ll see there are a host of things you can do for your partner that don’t involve your cock.

Ejaculation is a similar beast. The more you worry, the bigger a problem it will be. Premature ejaculation is common in young men, hardly surprising given that your penis will be so thrilled to be invited to the sex party – you can hardly blame him for arriving a bit too soon. The good news is, this gets better with practice and, in extreme cases, can be treated. Delayed ejaculation is less common, tends to be related to stress and is more usual in older men.

NIFTY TIP: To slow down ejaculation, use a thick or extra-thick condom to reduce sensitivity.

KNOW YOUR BODY:

The fact touching yourself up feels awesome is not the only reason you should do so. In fact, this fun activity could save your life. You should get into the habit of examining your balls for lumps and bumps. They should feel smoothish and roughly spherical. Regular testicular exams can catch nasty diseases like testicular cancer nice and early.

N
ow that you know all about your penis and how it works, let’s have a proper chat about wanking, or ‘masturbation’ if we’re going to get all hysterical about it. You probably know this already, but masturbation is briskly rubbing your penis up and down, usually until you cum, or ‘ejaculate’. This is one of those things that FEELS NICE.

Pretty much everyone masturbates. Men and women, who do not have a penis, obviously, but can stimulate their clitoris and the surrounding area. It is COMPLETELY normal – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Loads of people masturbate and I’m guessing those who say they don’t are fibbing. Although be aware that some faiths and religions have different attitudes to it – and that’s fine. To each their own!

It is quite hard to have a wank when you’re a teenager. This is sad, because it’s the time in your life when you’ll want to do little else. Experiencing your first wank is like finding an unlimited-refill pot of gold under your bed. Your body can do this amazing thing, as many times as you like, and it’s FREE!

It’s tricky though. You probably share a home with a minimum of one parent, or at the very least an adult. Throw in siblings and the horror of shared bedrooms and bathrooms. There’s an ancient proverb: ‘The family that wanks together, goes to jail together’. So that’s unacceptable.

Lack of privacy makes it almost impossible to take ten minutes to pleasure yourself. Fear not, one day you’ll be in charge of your own laundry and you can mess up those sheets every day if you wish, but until then here are some top tips for wanking subterfuge!

1. Wipe clean surfaces – Easy cum, easy go
   
2. The shower wank – Self-cleaning
   
3. The ‘I-need-a-poo wank’ – People won’t even go in the bathroom after you’re done and there’s already loo-roll there.
   
4. The crusty sock – Lives under your bed and slips into any washing machine unnoticed.
   
5. Get it on yourself – You are much easier to clean than bedding and you won’t have to lie in a sticky mess all night, unless you like that sort of thing …
   

MYTH BUSTING

This almost goes without saying: Masturbation is a normal, healthy par t of being a human. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t FEEL NICE. There is no truth to claims that masturbation is in any way harmful to your health.

B
y now, you have hopefully realised that ‘normal’ is a word that should be taken out and shot at dawn. When it comes to having a cheeky wank, your ‘normal’ will be different to the guy (or girl for that matter) next to you on the bus. DON’T STARE AT HIM!

I recall breaking into my sister’s bedroom (sorry!) to steal her issue of More Magazine as the problem page featured a young lady writing in to ask if her boyfriend was ADDICTED TO MASTURBATION because he wanked twice a day. Needless to say, this article raised more questions than it answered.

Let’s be sensible. Wanking is free and healthy. Your body is physically capable of cumming again mere minutes after you’ve shot your wad (although this varies from dude to dude). I mean, if you’re at it like ten times a day, I’d be concerned about chaffing, but it’s probably not going to kill you. I refuse to put a number on what is normal. On a busy day at school followed by a trip to kung-fu and then Pizza Express, I can’t
imagine you’ll have much time to beat one out. On a rainy January Sunday when the TV is broken, I can think of little else you’d want to do.

That said, a bit of ‘self-love’ is a delightful bonus of human reproduction, not a way of life. Go ride a bike or read a book, too.

A
final word on you and your penis. In all three cases, size, appearance and function, we need to get away from the idea of your penis being YOU. It is only one part of the whole you. Your manhood is about so much more than your ‘manhood’. Comforting words from the focus group:

[The penis] doesn’t rate all that highly for me. I’m much more likely to focus on a man’s body, face, eyes and so on

As it is wrong to objectify women, it is also wrong for them to objectify your penis – if a partner is hung up on a part of your body, I’d argue they aren’t worth knowing.

Remember, your penis is the last thing a partner is likely to see so why spend all that time worrying? By the time a partner sees your penis, they will already like you just for being you.

STOP EVERY THING

Before you go any further, you have to decide if you’re ready for this. This chapter deals with the ins-and-outs of sexy time.

It’s not sexy, it’s not saucy, but it’s honest, warts and all.

The problem is this. Once you know these facts, you can’t unknow them. You may spend the rest of your life having sex, so if you don’t want to know this stuff just yet, then skip this whole chapter and continue the important business of being young and pure as the driven snow.

O
pening scene: A pretty girl, dressed in a cheerleader uniform, makes her way down a quiet suburban street. Evening is drawing in, the light fading. Pigtails swinging, she looks up and down the street. She is wary.

In the shadows, a steely, silver car prowls, its engine low. The girl, Mel, continues her walk, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on the pavement. She’s alone on the darkening street.

The car crawls closer. Black eyes watch her, reflected in the rear-view mirror. Mel’s eyes widen Her heart beats faster as she becomes aware of the vehicle. Why is that car moving so slowly? Is the driver lost?

The cars pulls into the next junction, blocking Mel’s path. The passenger window slides open with a hiss …

Mel is trapped.

Scary stuff huh? It might surprise you to learn that this is not, in fact, the opening scene of a teen slasher film in which a sinister driver cruises the streets looking for defenceless cheerleaders, but is actually the opening scene to a porn film. The sinister man proceeds to lure Mel into his car with the offer of a lift home. He then takes her to his home, with its hideous ‘rainforest’ wallpaper. They then do lots of different types of sex with Mel, who is clearly in her early thirties, spouting sex talk in a cutesy, baby voice.

You can find porn like that and more online in about ten seconds. The Internet has changed sex education forever. Aged about eleven, you’re taught how babies are made and how babies are born, but you’re not told how to deal with seeing web pages full of X-rated images. By the time you get to the end of primary school, it’s entirely possible you’ve already seen things that would make your poor teacher weep.

S
ince time began, men and women have used visual aids to complement masturbation. There’s a reason all those stick figures in cave paintings are nude, dear reader. (Go ahead, palaeontologists, prove I’m wrong!)

You should be grateful. Before the advent of the Internet, we had to make do with underwear models in home shopping catalogues or join porn-sharing syndicates whereby well-used magazines were hidden in exchange spots in the local woodland. These things still work today of course, but the Internet has cut out a lot of barriers to pornography access.