Awakening (12 page)

To my surprise, it’s Mira that speaks; not me.

“We can’t, Sky.  Not like this.”

“I know,” I whisper, resting my forehead against hers and trying to catch my breath.  I’m going to need a cold shower after this.

“Sky, I really
do
love you, but that doesn’t take away anything I ever felt for Danny.  He’s too important to both of us to do this to him.  If we’re going to start something, I can’t be involved with Danny.  That’s not fair to him and it starts us off on the wrong foot.  He deserves better from both of us.  No matter what happened earlier, he’s not a bad person.  He’s as confused as I am.”

Wait, she’s confused again?

“What are you trying to say, Mi?  What are we?”

“I’m trying to say that this is wrong.  Anyway you look at it, it’s wrong.  We can’t do this to him.  He would never do anything like this to either of us.  We need to stop and go back to being friends.  Who knows how this will all play out? All I know is I’m not willing to lose you in my life and I can’t be the person to rip you and Danny apart.  You guys have too much history.  No matter how much I want to be with you right now, I can’t do it.”

“I know what you mean,” I say, getting off her and rubbing my face harshly with my hands.  I need to calm down.  This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.  I didn’t want to act on these feelings I’ve kept hidden for so long, especially since she’s clearly still in love with Danny.

I pat Mira’s leg in the most platonic way before I get out of bed; getting both of us something to sleep in.  I take my sleep pants and tee shirt into the bathroom and take an ice cold shower.  When I come back into the room, Mira is laying on her side, facing the wall.  I can’t tell if she’s asleep or not.

“Sweets, are you awake?”

“Yeah, I am.  Just thinking.”

“I’m going to go crash downstairs on the couch or something.  If you need me, text me.  I don’t want you walking around here by yourself.  Nobody will touch you, but I don’t want them looking at you either.” 
Caveman is back?

“Sky, can you sleep in here with me?  I have a feeling that this will be our last time alone together for a while and I really just want to sleep in your arms.”  I see her shoulders start to shake; she’s about ready to start crying.

“Are you sure?  I don’t want to make this any harder.”  I really hope she has a change of heart and doesn’t fight me.  I know what we both
need
to do, but I’m not sure I can be trusted sleeping in the same bed with her.

Mira rolls over to face me.  She’s been crying; the mascara running down her face is a clear indication.  She pulls the blankets from my side of the bed back, silently asking for me to join her.  “The last time I went to sleep in your arms, I woke up in the hospital.  I know it’s far-fetched, but maybe if I fall asleep in your arms again, I’ll wake up and the last few weeks will have been the dream.”

How can I tell her no?  I just want to comfort her and make her happy.  I slide into the bed and pull the blanket up over both of us.  I’m anticipating her to roll back on her side and let me spoon her.  I’m shocked when she crawls into my side, resting her head directly over my heart and curling her arm across my chest to rest on my shoulder.  I rub small circles on her lower back until I feel her breath become even. 

Mira gets a good night’s sleep, dreaming of possibilities I know won’t ever happen while I stay awake.  If this is going to be the only time I have the girl of my dreams in my bed, I’m not going to waste time sleeping.  I can sleep when I die.  And tomorrow, when I take her back to Danny, that’s exactly what I’m going to be; dead inside.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Mira

I wake up the next morning, well rested and tangled in the sheets with Skylar.  For just a minute, I forget all the drama waiting for us outside the walls of this room.  I know that right here, in this second, I’m happier than I’ve been in weeks.  The glow starts to fade when I hear my phone ringing. 

I roll over to check the caller ID and see that it’s Danny. 
Reality check, Mira.  You’re engaged.
  I press the key to silence the ringing and roll back to Skylar, who’s awake and staring at me.

“What?”

“Nothing, just always wondered what you looked like first thing in the morning.”

“And?” 

“Breathtaking.”  That’s all I get.  One word.  As I’m about to run my fingers through the scruff on his face, my phone starts ringing again.

“Fuck my life, what is so important?” I mutter, rolling back over. 
Danny again
.

I debate answering the call.  I feel the guilt like a ton of bricks.  I don’t know if the guilt is because I just spent the night in my fiancé’s best friend’s bed or because I’m in bed with the man I love and answering another man’s call.  Skylar makes the decision for me when he gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom hollering back, “Yeah, fuck
your
life.”

“Hey,” I casually say, answering Danny’s call.

“Hey, I didn’t hear from you last night.  Sky said you were in an accident, are you okay?  I’ve been calling for hours.”  Danny’s voice sounds groggy, like he hasn’t slept. 
Awesome, more guilt.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  Just a little fender bender… no biggie.  I’m with Skylar at the clubhouse.  Can we talk later?”

“Mira, please just answer one question.  Did you sleep with him?”  I can hear the hesitation in Danny’s voice.  The fact that he has to question me sends mixed signals racing through my body.  I can understand why he would ask, but then again, I’ve never given him a reason to question my fidelity before; he should trust me.

“No, Danny, I didn’t sleep with him.  Well, we slept in the same bed but we didn’t have sex.”

“Okay, good.  We need to talk really soon.  I’m going to come get you, okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.  Text me when you’re here and I’ll come out.”  I know the more time I spend here with Skylar the less I’ll want to go back to real life.  If it was only as easy as living here in this clubhouse forever.

“Alright, sounds good.  I love you, Pea.  Just please know that.”

“I know, me too.”  I can’t even bring myself to tell him the words he’s so desperate to hear.  I
do
love him.  I really do.  He’s my rock.  I just don’t know if that love is strong enough to get back to where we were, but I have to at least try.  I owe him that much.

Our call ends just before Skylar comes out of the bathroom.  The combination of Skylar and bathrooms is a sore spot for me.  A lot of our encounters in my dreams involved one or the other; sometimes both.  Just looking at him sends desire straight to my core.  I clench my thighs together to try to ease the ache that started last night. 

“Was that Danny?”  Skylar’s eyes turn sad as he asks.  I want to tell him no and ask him to come back to bed, but lying won’t be good for anyone right now.

“Yeah, he’s coming to get me.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, I think so.  I have to try.”  I wish I could take his pain away.  Shit, I wish I could take
my
pain away.  –This—being torn between two amazing –men—is for the fucking birds.  I used to love to read books about love triangles and angst, but now experiencing it first hand, I don’t think I can ever read a book like that again without getting sick to my stomach.

“I figured as much.  Come on, get up.  Let’s get some coffee before Danny gets here.  You guys have a lot to hash out if you’re going to get back to where you were.”  He’s trying to act cool, but I see right through him.

“Skylar …” He cuts me off before I can finish my sentence.

“Don’t worry about it, Mi.  It was only a matter of time.  I’m just glad we stopped ourselves last night.  You’re always going to be my best friend; I’m always going to need you.  I understand that I can’t come between you and Danny.  This all just makes me wish I made my move when I wanted to.  Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“So you
did
have a thing for me back then?”

“Yeah, don’t act like you didn’t know.  I wanted you so badly.  At orientation Freshman year, I had my eye on you; Danny just beat me to the punch.  The rest is history.”

“Maybe someday we’ll get our chance.”

“Yeah, Sweets.  Maybe.”

Skylar and I have coffee in silence.  Not uncomfortable, just somber.  We both know this is the end of whatever we potentially started last night.  I know it’s only a matter of time before Danny shows up to take me back.  I need to prolong this as long as I can.  I reach across the table and grab Skylar’s hand, pulling it closer toward the middle.

“Do you promise that we’ll be best friends no matter what?” 

“Mi, that’s one thing you never have to worry about.  You have been my best friend for years and I don’t want that to stop now.  A lot of times friends misinterpret feelings for each other.  We got ahead of ourselves last night and there’s no reason for things to get weird.  You’re always going to be my Sweets.”  Skylar brushes his thumb over my knuckles and smiles. I know it’s fake, but he’s trying to be strong for me.

My phone starts buzzing on the table next to me, letting me know that Danny’s here.  Skylar stands to walk me to the front door.  I let him escort me downstairs to the front door but that’s where I stop him.  I need to make this choice on my own and if he follows me any further, I’m bound to jump into Skylar’s arms, begging him to take me anywhere but here. 

I reach up for Skylar, pulling him into me for a hug and I kiss his cheek.  Skylar’s having a hard time letting go, too.  He’s squeezing the breath out of me and I don’t want it to stop either.  I push back and look into his eyes.  When his eyes start to well with unshed tears, I know he’s rethinking this decision.  I let him go and walk out of the bar before the tears spill; not from him but from me. 

He’s just handed me over to Danny.  He’s letting me go because he is a good man.  He wants me to be happy and he can’t hurt his friend.  If anyone is deserving of a happily ever after, it’s Skylar.  I only wish it was with me. 

On this day, I kiss that dream goodbye.  Skylar will always own my soul.  He’s my soul mate.  You often hear of people that marry out of obligation; money, status or fame.  I’m marrying out of obligation to another man; one that won’t hurt his oldest friend for anything in the world and has just shoved me out of his life.  I’d be lying if I said my heart isn’t sad and it doesn’t weep for a love that will never amount to anything other than a dream and a moment of passion that was stopped too soon. 

Here goes nothing.

I walk to Danny’s car.  He’s waiting patiently for me to get in.  He knows I’ve made my choice; knows I’m going to be with him.  The smile on Danny’s face gives me little solace because I know Skylar is on the other side of the door hurting.  Skylar just sacrificed himself for Danny. 

“Hey,” Danny whispers as he’s pulling out of the parking lot.

“Hey.”

“Where do you wanna go?  Your call, Pea.”

“Can you take me back to the apartment?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

Danny drives us in silence with only the music in the background. 
Gone Gone Gone
by Phillip Phillips is playing quietly.  I hear the chorus and the words cause a pain in my chest so strong that it takes my breath away.  I reach for the dial, turning the song up.  When he sings,
I’ll love you long after you’re gone
, I have to catch myself from completely losing it.  That’s exactly how I feel and I’m almost positive Skylar feels the same way.

We pull into a parking space in my lot and walk up to the apartment.  Looking around inside, I don’t see Kylee anywhere.  She must have stayed the night with the band or something.  I don’t give it much more attention—she’s a big –girl—but I do send her a quick text asking her to call me when she wakes up.  It’s still fairly early and I didn’t get much sleep last night.  It was well after four by the time I fell asleep in Skylar’s arms
.

Caffeine is calling my name.  I step into the kitchen and look out over the breakfast bar.

“Do you want some coffee or something?”

“Coffee sounds amazing, Pea.  Thanks.”

Taking two mugs from the cabinet, I make our coffee within minutes.  Naturally, I add cream and sugar just the way Danny likes it.  I take both of our drinks into the living room and place them on the coffee table where Danny’s sitting flipping through a book.  I sit on the same couch but the opposite end.

Picking up his mug, Danny slowly sips the coffee.  When the taste reaches his lips, a slight groan escapes his mouth.

“Mi, you really do make coffee exactly how I like it.”

“Just call it lots of practice.  You’re the one who taught me to like coffee, do you remember?”  I smile at the memory.  Danny was always so sweet and encouraged me to always try something new.  He was a great person to have in my corner when I was breaking through my shell.  I’ll forever be grateful.

“How could I forget?  It was one of our first dates when we went to that little café.  You were so adorable; I knew I was falling in love with you right then.”

“That really was the beginning, huh?  Seems like it was just yesterday.”

Danny doesn’t respond.  He looks down at his lap like he’s contemplating starting a discussion I know we need to have. 

“Pea, where are we?  I mean, where do we go from here?”

Taking a deep breath, I answer his questions. “We’re here Danny.  We’re still us.  I want to try again, you know, to be together, but we’re going to have to start over.  I don’t love you any less, but I am still going through a lot from the accident.  I want to work this out with you, if you can give me time.”

“I
can
give you time.  I can give you all the time you need.  Please, just don’t shut me out anymore.  Talk to me.  There used to be a time that you came to me with everything.  Let’s not change that now.  I’m your person.  I love you.  I just need reassurance that I’m not competing with Skylar.”

“Danny, there was never any competition.  I won’t lie and say I don’t have feelings for both of you.  All I can promise you is that I will never lie to you, I will never cheat on you and that if for any reason, Skylar or not, I’m not happy, I’ll tell you and we can handle it.”  I’m saying a silent prayer that he doesn’t ask me if Skylar and I kissed.  I’ll tell him the truth but I know it will do damage to his and Skylar’s friendship that can’t be ever be repaired.  Danny would feel betrayed and a part of him would die.  I also know his trust in me would dwindle over time.