All of It (23 page)

“Basically, yes. I’m
not
attracted to Teagan. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t want
that
kind of relationship with him.”

He’s still playing with the hole in his jeans. “You left out the kiss. What happened there?”

I wait for him to look at me. “I don’t know, sometimes things just happen. It would be pitiful of me to say I was vulnerable, but …” I trail off, searching for the right words. “Have you ever kissed someone you never intended to kiss?”

His eyes narrow. “You mean, something totally spontaneous?”

“I guess for lack of a better word, yeah, spontaneous.”

He smiles. “Sure. I don’t really plan things like that. If something happens, it happens.”

“Well, it just happened.” I’m thinking of the conversation leading up to the kiss and a sad smile crosses my lips.

“There’s more. What?”

“I was just thinking about what we were talking about before he kissed me.”

He raises his eyebrows. “What were you talking about?”

“Your brother.” I suddenly feel very sad. The space in my heart that will always belong to Dimitri begins to ache.

“D.?”

My eyes are starting to well with tears. “Teagan was prying into my love life, and like a dummy I was letting him. This is really embarrassing, but he was basically chastising me for not having sex with your brother. He wanted to know why I never did, because he knew how much I liked him … and still do,” I confess. “I shouldn’t have even discussed it with him but it was completely selfish on my part. Sometimes just talking about Dimitri helps me remember that he was real. That what we shared really happened.” I blink through the tears. “Anyway, he sort of told me I needed to stop thinking about everything so much and just let things happen. And that’s when he kissed me.”

“Did you kiss him back or punch him in the face?” Sebastian is trying to lighten things up. Tears have an uncanny way of making guys uncomfortable.

“I didn’t at first, but—”

“But what?”

I clear my throat. “But then I imagined he was Dimitri instead.” I put my head down, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. The tears keep coming. I swallow hard. “I know I’m an awful person, but he caught me off guard.”

Sebastian’s voice grows quiet. “So, what you’re saying is … it didn’t mean anything to you? The kiss?”

“No. It meant nothing. You can think whatever you want about me; at this point I probably deserve it. But, it’s kind of hard to put your heart into it when you’re thinking about someone else the entire time.”

“No judgment here. If I had a dime for every girl I—” He pauses, and continues, “Ronnie, can I ask you something?”

I wipe my eyes and nod.

“Why did you break up with D. in the first place?” His anger has subsided. His voice is soft now.

“You mean aside from the fact that I’m a fucking moron?”

He smiles.

“I’ve asked myself that same question every day since it happened.” He allows me a quiet moment to collect my thoughts. “Without getting into all the details, I just had so much going on in my life that I couldn’t be the girlfriend he deserved. I was pretty lost. I mean, who am I kidding? I’m still lost. There were lots of things in my life that needed attention and that meant taking attention away from him. He deserves more than that. He
always
put me first. He was perfect. And I just … wasn’t.”

Sebastian huffs loudly. “
Goddamn it!
I knew this all happened for nothing. Why do you two always do this?” he asks, clearly frustrated. “Ronnie, listen to me. Nobody’s perfect. Though Dimitri certainly thinks of you that way, even though you can be a pain in the ass sometimes.” His eyes flash to mine. “No offense.” He exhales loudly again in frustration. “Oh hell, I don’t know how to explain this in a way that will make sense to you. It would so much easier if you remembered …” He searches the room as if trying to find the right words. “Do you believe in destiny?”

“Destiny?” What a strange turn this conversation has taken. What is he talking about when he says, if I
remembered
? Remembered what? “I believe that everything happens for a reason, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I’m asking. I mean
destiny
.” He’s biting his lip and his eyebrows are pinched together. He’s choosing his words deliberately. “Sometimes the universe has a way of making sure that things happen, that certain events are put into motion.” The frustration is becoming even more evident. “What I am trying to say is that if there ever was a couple that was supposed to be together, it’s you and Dimitri.”

I’m shocked, frozen in place, staring at him, hanging on every word.

Realizing the effect his words have evoked, he smiles and his voice softens. “Ronnie, it sounds like you’re going through a tough time right now; that you’re confused about a lot of things.
Please
, don’t worry so much.” He punches my shoulder lightly. “It’s ruining everything.”

I half laugh through the residual tears.

“Just remember who you are, deep down. The real Ronnie. Search for her again.” He points at my chest. “She’s inside there. And even though she’s a pain in the ass, she’s one of the coolest people I’ve ever known.” He smiles. “Oh, and how about making up with D.? The guy’s irritable as hell when you’re not together. He’s lost without you.”

I look down at my hands which I’m unconsciously wringing in my lap. “But he probably hates me.”

“D. could never hate you. He totally adores you. And if you were honest with yourself, you’d see that you feel the same way about him.”

I’m starting to cry again. “I miss him,” I whisper.

He stands up and wraps me in a hug. “I know.”

We stand there in an embrace for a few minutes and he lets me cry on his shoulder.

Releasing me, he claps his hands. “Okay, back to work. I don’t want you to get fired.”

I wipe the tears from my cheeks again. “Thanks Sebastian.”

He winks. “Anytime.”

Life is sometimes … destined.

Sebastian spends the next week after school at work helping me out per Sunny’s request. Business is picking up, which is great, but Sebastian and I are having trouble keeping up working only a few hours a day. It’s obvious Sebastian doesn’t particularly like the work, but he’s diligent and doesn’t stop until the job is done. I know he has another job, though he’s never said what it is. Although he’s pretty strapped for time, I like having him around.

It’s Friday evening and just about time for me and Sebastian to go home when Sunny arrives back from a consultation. She breezes into the office. “Hi, you two. Sorry I’m so late getting back; it took a little longer than expected.”

I haven’t seen Sunny in person since Monday. Something about her always makes me smile. “No problem, Sebastian and I finished the Murphy project and we’re almost done with the Fitzpatrick project. We should be able to wrap it up on Monday.”

She drops her bag on the sofa and walks across the room in a few easy steps. She can cover a lot of ground quickly with those long legs. She puts an arm around each of our shoulders and squeezes tightly. “Thanks for your hard work. You’ve been such a help to me.” She pauses for a moment. “I do have another favor to ask.”

Sebastian eyes her suspiciously. “What?”

“Can I ask … no, beg for a few hours of your time tomorrow morning to finish up the Fitzpatrick project? They phoned me this morning and asked to have everything ready for a secondary consultation tomorrow afternoon.” She’s smiling, but looks almost scared as she anticipates our reaction.

Before I can speak Sebastian unleashes a flurry of anxious words. “Mom! Tomorrow is prom! You know I have a lot going on already.”

She cringes, but I know she expected this from him. “I know, I know, and I’m sorry honey. Can you give me two hours between nine and eleven? I’m going to be here too, so it shouldn’t take us too long.”

Sunny is so sweet that I wonder if anyone has ever denied her anything. She’s one of those people that you just want to help as much as possible.

As usual, Sebastian’s bark is worse than his bite. He gives in. “Fine, but what about Ronnie? Did it ever occur to you that she might be busy tomorrow?”

Sunny looks over at me anxiously, but I interrupt before she starts pleading. “It’s really okay, Sunny. I’ll be here. I’m not going to prom. So I can stay as long as you need me.”

Sunny hugs me and thanks me over and over.

It’s almost embarrassing.

After another squeeze she continues, “And I want you to know that I’ve recruited some help for you, Veronica.” She glances at Sebastian and winks. “I thank you, Sebastian, for helping Veronica out this past week, but you are officially relieved of your duties—after tomorrow of course. I talked to Bob this afternoon and he’s agreed to come in and help us out starting Monday. He’ll work mornings and Veronica will work afternoons until school’s out and then the two of you will be here together.”

Sebastian looks up at the ceiling and mouths the words, “Thank God.”

I’m curious. “Who’s Bob?”

Sunny beams and says, “Bob is a lovely older gentleman who attends our church. He lost his wife a few months ago, and he told me that he’s looking for something to get him out of the house and keep his mind occupied. I think you’re really going to like him.”

Sebastian chuckles. “Bob’s actually a really cool guy. Dimitri and I have been trying to talk him into coming down and helping out the two of you for the past couple of weeks.” He looks at his mom. “He finally gave in, huh?”

Sunny nods. “He finally gave in,” she says. “I can be very persuasive.”

“Is that what you call it?” Sebastian needles her.

Sunny doesn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply, only an exaggerated smile and widening of her big blue eyes. “I think it will be good for him, too.”

As we clean up and gather our things to leave, Sebastian’s mood seems to have lightened with the news of Bob. Sunny stops us when she hears us open the front door. “Would you two like some pizza? I can pick it up on my way home. I’m sure D. hasn’t eaten yet either. It would be nice to have you over again, Veronica.”

The sound of his name, even his nickname, makes my stomach flip-flop. I look to Sebastian for guidance with my answer. He sees the plea for direction in my eyes and nods slightly.

“Sure,” I say, nervously.

“Wonderful. You two go on ahead; I’ll be right behind you.” Sunny says as she waltzes to the back room.

I call my mom to tell her I won’t be home for dinner. As I expected, she’s thrilled with the news.

Once in my car, I follow Sebastian down the familiar route to their neighborhood. God, it’s been a long time. Too long. It feels strange to drive through the guard gate in my own car. And once I’m inside, waves of panic pulse through my veins. The panic increases exponentially with every revolution of the tires. I’m talking to myself like a crazy person as I coast down their street. By the time I bring Jezebel to a halt in front of their house, my body is trembling. I feel elated, terrified, and so nervous I could puke. I’m full-on manic. I cut the engine, close my eyes, and take several deep breaths. I open them again and look out the passenger window at Sunny’s house, contemplating the position I’ve just put myself in. The fact is, it isn’t too late to turn around and go home. But then Sebastian gets out of his car and walks down the driveway, motioning for me to come around to the back of the house.

“Don’t be such a coward, Ronnie,” I tell myself, coaching my body to open the door and deposit myself on the asphalt. Sebastian has disappeared. I take a last deep inhale to calm my nerves, and then walk quickly down the driveway. I can’t give myself time to chicken out, but I remind myself that running to the house would make me look pathetically excited—which of course, I am (well, either pathetically excited or masochistically deranged. Yeah, okay I’m glutton for punishment). The back door leading into the kitchen is open. Cautiously, I enter, utterly terrified of what I might find on the other side.

“Hello?” I call out timidly as I step inside. There is no one in the room.

As I look around the kitchen the memories come flooding back. The Glenn home had been a secondary sanctuary for me during the several months that Dimitri and I dated. Remembering the time I spent here makes me realize how much I miss it. Not the house, necessarily, but the feeling it gives me when I’m here: warm, safe, and loved. The nervousness subsides somewhat as I lose myself in the familiarity of the place and the memories it provides.

Resigned to stay (what did I say about being a glutton?), I take off my coat and drape it over a chair at the table. I set my bag on the chair, and then walk over and sit down on one of the stools at the counter. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I feel comfortable. I’ve spent countless hours in this kitchen and always sat on this particular stool. One of Dimitri’s car magazines is lying on the counter and I start flipping through it, a diversion while I wait for Sunny to arrive with the pizza.

“Ronnie?” It’s an exclamation of shock, surprise, and disbelief. I know the voice, of course, and my heart is racing again (yep, I’m
definitely
masochistically deranged).

I turn on the stool to see Dimitri standing in the doorway leading in from the dining room. His snug-fitting shirt is covered in paint. Splatters of black stain his pants, too. My mouth is as dry as the Sahara and I don’t know if I’ll be able to speak. I smile quickly, although I’m somewhere between nervous and straight-up-terrified. When he doesn’t respond, I lose the half-smile and just stare. I give both of us a moment … a reprieve.

A moment turns into several moments … and several more moments.

Dimitri hasn’t moved—not a fraction of an inch. Is he breathing?

Silence is now the elephant in the room.

It’s too much for me to bear. “Sunny invited me over for pizza,” I blurt. “I … I hope that’s okay. She should be here any minute. You know, with the pizza …” I trail off, trying to conceal the fear in my voice. The words are rushed, and I feel my tendency toward nervous rambling kicking in. I need to shut up.