A Heart for Rebel (21 page)

“Have you used
protection when you’ve been sexually active,” he asked.

“In the beginning
yes, but then no, but only because I take birth control pills,” she replied.
The doctor looks at me sternly and says, “Did you know that birth control is
not 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy?” My first thought was what a
fucking douche, but then I was like oh fuck me. She’s pregnant and I’m going to
be a father before I’m ready to be one. Hell, I don’t know if I want to be a
father. What the fuck am I thinking? I love Rebel and I want a future with her
and that future consists of us having kids, right?

“Yes, I knew that,
but this never happened before,” she replied and I feel sweat trickle down my
back. I’m having difficulty breathing. My heart is racing so fast it feels like
it’s going to burst out of my chest. Now, I’m having chest pains. I need to
calm the fuck down before I have a god damn heart attack and die before I know
if I’m going to be a father.

“Well, Ms. Walker
there is always a first time for everything. I’m going to have my nurse give
you a cup to collect a urine sample and then we’ll find out if you’re
pregnant,” he said.

“She already did
that. I gave her back the urine sample.”

“Well in that case,
I’m going to go check on the results. I’ll be right back,” he said. I nod my
head. I wanted to cry so badly, but I’m a man and men don’t fucking cry. Before
the doctor walks out the door he turns to me and says, “You don’t look so good.
Please have a seat before you pass out.” Rebel looks at me and smiles, but her
smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s probably thinking what I’m thinking. I
smile reassuringly at her and take a seat. The wait feels like hours when in
reality it was minutes. The doctor walks in without knocking this time and I
immediately stand up.

“Ms. Walker, I
don’t know if this would be good news or bad news, but you are most definitely
pregnant,” he said. The whole room came crashing down on me that very minute, I
couldn’t breathe and I was dizzy as shit.

“Mr. Verity, please
sit down. You look ready to pass out,” he said. I take a seat and breathe slow
and deeply until everything seems to return to normal. Rebel is busy biting her
nails. She looks at me and I notice her leg is shaking uncontrollably. Her eyes
are full of tears and she says, “I suspected I was pregnant, but I was hoping I
was wrong.”

I look at her and
reply, “You didn’t think to share your thoughts with me?”

“I’m so sorry,
Wyatt. I wanted to say something to you, but I was so scared of how you would
react.”

“Ms. Walker, if
this pregnancy was not planned or you don’t want it there are options available
to you,” Dr. Martinez said. It hit me then she was pregnant with my baby. I
love Rebel and therefore I would love this baby with everything I am and
everything I have and with everything I will be. They would be my world.

“We’re keeping the
baby,” I said. Rebel looks shocked by my outburst, but then she smiles placing
her hand on her belly. I get up from the seat and place my hands on her face
and kiss her. I wipe her tears and place my hand over hers. She looks at me and
whispers, “I guess we’re having a baby.”

“Damn straight we
are,” I replied. Rebel was asked to make an appointment with an OB/GYN as soon
as she could. She was given a prescription for vitamins, anti-nausea and iron
pills. She grabs my elbow and we walk to back to the car without saying a word.
We buckle up and I turn on the car. I back out the car and drive off. The drive
back to the beach house was a silent one and was killing me, but I know she’s
afraid to say anything and freak me out again. She looks like she’s the lone
survivor of an apocalyptic war. Desolate. Lost. Alone.

“Say something,” I
say.

“What do you want
me to say?” she asked.

“I don’t know, just
say something. Tell me anything you want.”

“Are you okay with
this? The baby,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re
just as shocked as I am, but I love you, Rebel. The baby is a part of us.”

“Are you upset with
me? I know you have plans for your new tattoo shop. I don’t want to be a cause
of ruining it for you,” she said.

“No, I don’t hold you
responsible for any of this. I take full responsibility in procreating with
you. You can’t get pregnant by yourself. Would I have wanted to wait? Yes,
absolutely, but I’m not nor will I ever be upset you’re having my baby. How do
you feel about being pregnant?”

“I honestly don’t
know. I guess I’m afraid. Having a baby is a lot of responsibility and I still
have a lot of goals I need to fulfill.”

“Rebel, you can
still accomplish your goals. Don’t let the fact we’re having a baby scare you
off from living and reaching your dreams. You can do it all and I will be right
there with you as you do. You are not alone. I’m here now and always will be. Don’t
you get it? I fucking love you, so damn much.” I get us back to the beach
house. Rebel looked like the walking dead. She was so beautiful and looked so
lost at the moment. I didn’t know what else to say to reassure her I was in this
for the long hall.

“Why don’t you go
take a nap,” I said.

“I…I don’t know if
I will be able to. I have all these thoughts running in my head,” she said.

“Baby, just try
okay? I’ll bring you something to eat in a bit.” She nodded and slowly made her
way upstairs. I make my way to the kitchen and I grab a can of chicken soup and
warm it on the stove. I make a sandwich to go along with the soup and place
everything on a tray. I head up the stairs and as I make my way to our room my
phone vibrates in my pocket. I enter the room and Rebel is sitting back against
the head rest lost in thought. I place the tray next to her and fish my phone
out and answer it.

“Yeah.”

“Yo, bro I’m sorry
to bother you, but we need you here,” Ty voice boomed from the other end.

“I can’t leave
Rebel.”

“We are swamped. Clients
are complaining they booked sit ins with you and you’ve ditched them.”

“Fuck,” I growled.

“Listen, bro Rebel
won’t be alone. Mari is on her way back if that helps.”

“Yeah, okay that
would work. Let me tell Rebel and then I will head out once Mari gets here.”

“Thanks, I’ll let
your clients know you’re on your way back.” I disconnected my call and take in
my girl.

“You have to go
back?” she asked.

“Yeah, baby I do.”

“I’m sorry I’ve
kept you from working,” she said.

“Don’t be, you are
my number one priority.”

“No, Wyatt, your
business and your future aspirations should be your number one priority,” she
exclaimed.

“Having you in my
life and keeping you there is my number one priority. Forever. Everything else
comes second to you.” She looked at me and shyly smiled at me. She looked at
the tray of food next to her on the bed and said, “Is this for me?”

“Yeah, baby, it’s
for you. Go ahead and eat. I’m going downstairs and wait for Mari to get here.”
I leaned down and kissed her forehead. I caressed her check and kissed her lips
then headed downstairs.

I
FEEL LIKE I have the weight of the world on my
shoulders. I know it sounds silly, but I’ve never been in a situation or rather
predicament I now find myself in. Pregnant at the ripe age of twenty-one. I’m
afraid, not because I’m pregnant, but because what if I turn into my mother? I
don’t want to be like her and neglect my baby for drugs. I sound irrational,
but that is my greatest fear, which is kind of silly because I am a survivor, a
fighter, and confident women. I just don’t want to let my baby down. Oh shit,
my baby. Our baby. The truth of being pregnant hits me again. I’m really having
Wyatt’s baby and I’m going to be a mother. I got of the bed and got the letter
my mother left for me. I held it in my hand as I contemplated if I wanted to
read what she had written. I decided to read it and hoped it will give me
insight into her life. I didn’t what to make the same mistakes she made. I
looked at the envelope that was battered and wrinkled from being switched out
from bag to bag. I looked at her unsteady writing on the envelope and unsealed
it and took out the note:

Dearest Rebel,

By the time you read this letter, I will have been long gone. After
you and Bailey left I hit the deepest saddest rock bottom known to mankind, at
least it felt that way to me. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I owe
you the biggest apologize. I failed you as a mother. I should have shown you
every day just how much I loved you. How important you were to me each and
every day. I have erroneously wronged a lot of people, your father, my parents,
but most of all I wronged you. You were innocent in all of my crazy messed up
world and I stole what should have been a loving and nurturing childhood filled
with a father, grandparents, but most of all love. You are the embodiment of
love and I failed in my duties as a mother to provide that heart felt feeling
that every child should have. I didn’t protect you or Bailey as I should have.

I lied when I told you your father did not want you. He wanted
you, Rebel. He wanted you so bad. He wanted us both, but I panicked. I was
young and too stupid to realize he was all I ever needed. I ran and took you
away from all that should have been yours to enjoy and reap. The benefits of
having a normal childhood. My parents wanted you, Rebel. Sure they were highly
upset to find out that their sixteen year old daughter was pregnant, but they
came to terms with it and were looking forward to your arrival. Actually, it
was your grandfather who named you Rebel. When you were growing in my belly, I
never had a moment’s peace with the nausea and cravings. My dad said you were
Rebel without a cause just like your father. I thought it was fitting to christen
you with that name and I’m glad I did. It suits you. You never backed down in
your undying devotion to me or your baby sister. You were always searching for
something. You always wanted to make something better of yourself, but Rebel
you always had it in you. The best part of you, Rebel is your heart. You are by
far the most loving and caring person and you don’t give yourself credit for
that. It is what I love most about you; you give without expecting anything in
return. Well, I want to give you something. I want to give you a family…a home.
I called my parents and they are placing me in rehab and when I get out I am
going home with them. I called your father and he wants to desperately meet you
and hold you. He wants to tell you he loved you from the minute he knew he made
you. I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve it. What I
am asking for is another chance to be what I should have been from the very
beginning, your mother. Your father’s name is Christopher Rebellious Walker.
He’s a prominent lawyer in Greenwich, Connecticut. We’ve known each other since
childhood and somewhere along the line we fell hopelessly and madly in love. It
was from that love that you were created.

I couldn’t read the rest of the
letter because my eyes were watery and I was wailing deep with pain. I didn’t
hear Marissa come in, but she sat next to me on the bed and held me while I
cried.
Once I got myself
composed Mari looked at me and said, “Are you alright?” I shook my head and
whispered, “No.”

“Talk to me, Rebel.
Let me be a friend and lend you my ears,” she said. I broke down and told her
everything. She didn’t say a word while I poured out my heart to her. I told
her about my pregnancy and how I’m afraid to be just like my mother. I told her
how my whole life was one big fat lie. I told her how my mother kept me away
from my father, who I could have had my whole life and possibly love.
Grandparents, who would have showered me with attention. Throughout my one
sided conversation she didn’t say a word and I loved her for that. She let me
say what I had to say to get it off my shoulder and I felt lighter after as if
the weight of the world had been lifted off me and allowed me to breath freely
for once in my life. She sighed deeply and said, “Ever feel like you’re just
one dumbass away from completely losing it?” We laughed so hard tears ran down
our faces and we had to clutch our stomachs because our tummies hurt. She gets
me and totally understood I needed a good old fashion laugh.

“God, I so need that,”
I said between fits of giggles. I looked to my best friend and said, “Say
something.”

“What do you want
me to say?” she asked.

“I don’t know, just
say something. Tell me I’m stupid for letting this happen. Tell me I should be
happy. Tell me anything…I don’t know, just say something. The silence is
killing me,” I said.

“Rebel, if you want
me to be happy, then I’ll be happy for you. If you want me to be upset, cause
your upset, then I’ll be upset for you. We’ve been here for days and I’ve
noticed how sick you’ve been in the morning. I haven’t asked you one single
question of what’s going on with you. I wanted to give you space. I figured you
were probably pregnant and I didn’t want to pry. I wanted you to tell me all on
your own. I know you will be a great mother, the best actually,” she said.

“You think?” I
asked

“Absolutely. I’ve
seen how you are with Bailey. You are so loving to her. You take such good care
of her, image how much better you’d be with your own baby.”

She’s right. I
would take the best care of my baby because I know I will never do what my
mother did to me and Bailey. I hugged Mari tight and said, “Thanks for lending
me your ear and helping me see the light.”

She shrugged and
said, “What are friends for.” I hugged her one last time before she left me to
rest.

Our days in sunny
Florida were flying by quickly. We only had two days left before we all flew
home. The guys worked real hard at the convention center inking everyone that
wanted a tattoo. I wanted to get my sketch inked on my skin and asked Wyatt
when I was getting my tattoo. He turned me down saying that a tattoo now will
not be conducive to the baby. I understood and whole heartily agreed with him,
but that didn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed.