3 Sides to a Circle (23 page)

“Yeah.” Elsie takes a step closer. I inch back. I can’t get into something with her. I’m too confused by what Libby just said to me.

“There you are.” Libby’s voice behind me. Then her hand on my back, sliding down until she reaches my ass and leaves it there.

Elsie steps back. I gape at Libby. What the hell is she doing?
Less than twenty minutes ago she told me she couldn’t kiss me how I wanted to be kissed.

“Okay, well, it was good to see you. I’ll see you in class,” Elsie stammers. I don’t even say goodbye. I’m staring at Libby who is grinning so wide I feel like her face m
ay crack.

“Let’s bail. This party sucks,” she says and then I watch her purple-hair bounce out of the room.

Honor

Libby’s been gone
for hours, and I’m pretty sure her and Toby are out. I heard “Blue Light House” and “come on”, and figure I have time to do some digging. Something’s going on with her that I’m just not seeing. I shouldn’t care. I go from aching over not knowing what to do to make her not “tired” anymore, to aching over losing a life outside of our circle that I really want.

The thing is. I know nothing about Libby, and even
if all I had to do was call her mom, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. What state to look in. If their last name is the same. Nothing. That wasn’t on my dorm room assignment paper. As I slide open her side of the closet, I already know that I’m going to invade her space like a friend should never do.

As neat and tidy as my side is, hers isn’t. She’ll never know I dug through her stuff. Clothes are shoved into the shelves, and piled on top of the bags she brought with her when she came. I
t’s a ridiculous, juvenile disaster.

And I start to think about the mess she’s put us all in this year and how completely unfair it is that I should feel guilty when we don’t do things like invite Toby to sleep in our bed.
Or don’t go to the library just after I’ve lost Sawyer and she drops a bomb like her dad committed suicide. I jerk some of her clothes out onto the floor, looking for any clue as to who she is or where she came from.

And
Sawyer. Libby doesn’t know Sawyer at all, and yet has no problems telling me that he’s trying to control me, or coming to his apartment to drag me off to get arrested. Even though she pushed me toward him in the first place. Anger begins to boil up inside me as I start jerking open zippers on bags, finding nothing but old candy wrappers, hair ties, and her discarded “pocket rocket.”

Thinking about
Sawyer makes it hard to breathe and I’m pissed that I’m still in this damn stupid situation, and who would want the mess that I’ve gotten myself into. I can’t even blame the guy for wanting to protect himself. If he had a crazy roommate and slept with a girl sandwiched between him and his friend, I couldn’t handle it either because it’s
insane
.

I’m breathing hard when I finally get to the bottom of the closet. The
re’s a huge pile of Libby’s stuff behind me now, and I’m actually scared of how she’ll react. She can’t get out of bed all day and then does crazy crap like drag poor Toby to another party at Blue Light House. And then I think about Sawyer and how long my heart has hurt over that whole mess, and don’t care what Libby thinks anymore.

When I jerk out the black duffle at the bottom there’s a small rattling sound and I rip open the zipper to find a small cardboard box. Now that the reality of my situation is sinking in, I go over the list of what’s about to go wrong here:

Crazy roommate.

Soon to be pissed roommate over me going through her stuff.

This small box, which suddenly feels like the most important thing in the room.

I unfold
the top of the box to see four bottles of pills. What the hell? How does she take these when they’re at the bottom of her closet?

What if she’s not taking something she’s supposed to?

Risperidone Microspheres.

There’s her name and the name of the pharmacy. The bottle shows 9/1 – 9/30.

I drop it and grab the next one. 10/1 – 10/30

I know what the other two are without looking. November and December. I clutch my sto
mach, wondering what they’re for. Why does she take these? Or maybe the better question is why isn’t she taking these? And what are they for?

The closet is nearly empty, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get Libby’s stuff back in before she comes home. That’s not even important right now. What’s important is that I figure out why the hell she’s supposed to be taking the things.

I slide my laptop out of its case and lean against the closet door, typing in the medication for Google to figure out for me.

The same word is in the short description of every hit.

Anti-psychotic. Used often for people with bi-polar disorder.

Holy. Shit.

I scan through the results of bi-polar disorder and Libby gets a big fat check mark next to nearly everything.

This is crazy, my heart’s still trying to recover when I hear Libby’s happy laugh travel through the hall. Guess she’s not “tired” anymore.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I grab her stuff and start to shove, but when her key hits the lock, it just doesn’t matter that her crap is all over the room because I have just as much of a reason to be pissed as she does.

Toby’s laughing and Libby’s laughing and she’s half dancing in his arms until our eyes meet and she halts as she processes the mess between us.

“What the fuck are you doing?” she screams.

It all whirls through me. How I’ve been dragged around and how my life doesn’t feel like my own, and how poor, sweet Toby got pulled into this sick mess that didn’t have to be. And now he’s in love with a girl who’s too much of a hot mess to appreciate him and how I’m in love with a guy who needs space from me because of my crazy roommate.

“What the
hell are
you
doing?” I demand as I stand.

“My stuff!”

“Yeah. Your stuff,” I yell before snatching the pill bottles from next to my computer. “Like this stuff.” I throw it at her with everything I have. “Or this stuff!” I hurl the next one.

She tries to block, but it smacks her in the face before dropping to the floor. I have better aim than I thought. Or maybe I’m just that angry.

“Honor,” Toby barks, but I don’t even slow down.

“How could you do this to me? We’re supposed to be friends! This is shit I should know!” I hurl another bottle,
the only one left in my hand. “You’ve put me through emotional hell, and for what? So you don’t have to take a damn pill every day?”

“It’s a simple rule, Honor!” She’s still yelling, but her voice has dropped in anger. “Don’t mess with my stuff!”

“I lost Sawyer because of you! I’m scared to tell you about modeling. Toby didn’t need to be dragged into this. Why aren’t you taking your damn pills?”

“Honor, please.” Toby steps between us. “Please stop.”

“I’m not stopping.” Libby leans forward, anger and hatred seething as she breathes and stares.

The exhaustion of feeling so much makes me suddenly weak. “Why am I even trying when you’re so clearly not?”

“You don’t know shit, Honor. You don’t know anything.” Libby spins on her heel and jerks open the door.

Toby grabs her arm, holding her in the room. “Libby, please. Come in. Let’s talk. I
wanna talk. I—”

Libby’s jaw is set.

“I don’t want to talk,” I say as I fold my arms. I’ve hurt so bad for too long, and all I want to do right now is hurt her back. It’s mean and awful and horrible, but all the things from all year are crashing in on me, and I’m so pissed that I’ve had to be part of her schemes that I had to lose Sawyer and get arrested and wonder if I was going to sleep on a bunk bed, on the floor, on a mattress on a floor, by myself, with three people…

“Go away! “ Libby yells as she tries to jerk away from Toby. “We all fucking know I’m not the one you want!”

“What are you talking about?” Toby asks, but he makes the fatal mistake of glancing my way.

Libby’s eyes flash toward me before she shoves her way out of the room.

“I don’t…” Toby glances frantically between me and where Libby disappeared.

“She’s bi-polar
, Toby, and she’s not taking her medication.”

He runs from the room
, and all I can hear is Libby screaming that she needs to be left alone and he needs to leave her alone and everyone needs to leave her alone.

Exhaustion doesn’t even come close to touching what I feel right now.

A few moments later, he takes a step in, leaving our dorm room door wide open and kneels on the edge of the mattress.

“I found her meds. She’
s not taking them. She has four months worth and they’re all still there.” My body’s weak to the point of quaking a bit after everything I’ve learned.

Toby turns and picks one of the small bottles off the floor.

“We need to tell her mom.” He rubs his face as tears stream down. Toby looks older and more tired than I’ve ever seen him.

I slump down deeper into the mattress. “Do you even know where she’s from? I have no idea how to even begin.”

“So, the school maybe?” I can tell he’s trying to stay focused but has no idea how.

I shrug.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“We gotta go find her.”

“Toby. It’s late.”
And dark
, but I leave it hanging out there.

He swallows once. “We’ll be okay.”

I don’t know how any of this is okay, but I’ll let him hang on to his words for a while longer.

“I’m staying here, Toby. I’ll wait and see if she comes back.”

And he’ll go because there’s no other choice for him right now. He wraps his arms around me in a desperate hug before letting go. “She can’t be far.”

Knowing Libby, she could be miles.
“I’ll walk campus with you but someone needs to dig through her stuff, find her mom, be here if she comes back.”

“We have a
plan then.” His smile is thin as he pulls open the door and I follow him into the dark.

Toby

We went to the library first, but Libby doesn’t actually want to be found this time, so I wasn’t surprised she wasn’t there. I want to stay on the well-lit paths, but part of me knows that isn’t where Libby is.

“What happened?” Honor asks as we continue wandering around campus. “When you went to the party, I mean. How was she?” Honor’s not looking anywhere near me, maybe not wanting to hear the honest answer and see whatever hurt is still on my face from Libby needing away from me.

“All over the place. Part Libby-Libby like we know her, and part distracted Libby like she’s been the past few weeks. I don’t know. She’s off-kilter and I get it now.”

Honor’s hand stops me. “Do you, Toby? Do you
really
get it? Are you really ready to take her on?”

I know what she’s asking me. Honor’s going to leave and she wants to know if I’m okay on my own. And honestly, I don’t know. Not with Libby like how she’s been.

I shrug. “I won’t leave her.”

Honor nods. “Yeah. I know you won’t.”

And beneath that sentence is the truth that she will. That Honor’s self-preservation is more important than whatever Libby is sucking us into.

“You have to understand. I don’t have much. Not really. I blend into things. And then suddenly there’s this girl, this amazing girl, who makes me feel like I can be anything. And when she’s okay, being with her is better than anything I’ve ever known. And when she’s not, helping her seems more important than anything I’ve ever done. It’s stupid. I know. But it’s like I was made to find her.”

Honor nods. “You were. It’s not a bad calling as far as things go.”

I should want more for my life. And honestly, I do. But there’s also a part of me that understands that taking care of Libby may be one of the best things I’ll ever do. Being with her for however long she’ll let me makes me feel like I have a purpose.

“You do realize you’ve totally become
that chick
? The one who loses herself in the guy? Only, you know, vice versa,” Honor says and gives me a shove.

I nod. “Yeah. But it’s college. And it’s Libby. I guess I’m okay with losing myself in her for a
while.”

We wal
k in silence for a while longer then Honor points us toward the path leading to the golf course. I don’t want to go back there, but I know there’s a good chance Libby might be there. Which is terrifying enough for me to force my feet forward.

B
y the time we get there, my heart is in my throat. Because we’ve found Libby’s scarf on the way. And her boots. And I’m so scared, I’m running. Running faster than my lungs can keep up and my legs burn. But it doesn’t matter.

Honor is screaming her name, moving past me. I see a blur on the pond and I push myself even harder.
We spent way too much time looking for her on campus before coming here.