3 Sides to a Circle (22 page)

“I need you to re-pierce my ear,” she
now says from the doorway of my room and holds a needle out in front of her.

“What?”

“Honor’s at class and my hole closed up. I need you to re-pierce my ear.”

I take a breath. Her eyes are all over the place. “Libby, I don’t know
how to do that.”

She grabs my hand and shoves the needle in between my fingers. “I trust you, Toby.
For real. I trust you and my earrings are all out of balance. You need to re-pierce me.”

I grab her elbow and pull her
across the hall into her room. “Libby. I’m not gonna re-pierce your ear. I’ve never done that. Go to town. I’ll take you.”

“No,” she cries and buckles against the wall. Buckles. Like this is the most devastating thing in the world. “You have to do it. Toby. Please.”

I’ve never seen her like this. It’s not even manic. It’s borderline psychotic. And I’m afraid for her. So afraid that I wrap her tight in my arms and rock her.

“Libby,” I whisper. “What’s going on?”

“Everything is a mess,” she cries. “It’s all been a mess since Thanksgiving.”

“What can I do?”

My insides are twisting. I don’t know what to say. I miss my Libby. The funny, crazy girl and yet, I’m not all that sure that she’s the real Libby either. All of these just seem like parts of her. Parts that should make up a whole, but don’t.

“Toby. Everything feels wrong. Like I can’t pull myself together. Like I can’t breathe right.”

I rub my hand over her hair and hold her tighter. “I know.”

“You’ve disappeared,” she chokes out and her tears nearly kill me. “Where have you been?”

“Class. Around. You’ve seen me. Libs, I haven’t seen you.”

She shakes her head. “You’re pulling away.
Getting all focused on your business classes. Getting ready to leave me soon. I know it. I should prepare myself for it, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough right now.”

She’s right. She’s not strong enough. And I have been pulling away.
And I haven’t told her about the newspaper thing. So suddenly I’m in the place where Libby doesn’t know things about me.

“I’m not all focused on my business classes. I just need to start gearing up if I’m serious about it.
I missed a week of classes, remember?”

Her gaze focuses on me for a second and she pulls my glasses off and traces my eyebrows. “Why are you s
o serious about it? You’re not a business guy. I’ve told you a million times.”

“What kind of guy am I?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know. But not that. You’re scared. I want you not to be scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

She holds my cheeks and stares into my face. The sadness seeps into me and I’m not sure if it’s hers or mine. “You are. And that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to be so sure about everything. You can not know and just figure out yourself as you go along. I know that’s a stretch for you, but sometimes it’s good not to know.”

The irony is that my entire life right now is filled with not knowing.
But only because I don’t know how to be with her and Honor anymore. It’s like the three of us are stuck. I’m so wrapped up in them, I don’t have anything of my own. If anything ever happened to our threesome, I would be totally lost. And I’m too scared to commit to something of my own—even one stupid newspaper article.

It’s a terrifying feeling for a guy. To count on two people so much.
One of which he loves more every day but has no idea what to do about it.

“I’m not leaving you, Libby. You’re stuck with me.”

She places her hands around my neck and looks at me so hard I think she can see everything I’ve ever felt. And I want to kiss her, but I’m not sure she’s ready for that kind of complication.

“
I told you. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth staying for. You’re so good. Honor’s so good. I don’t have anything worth offering you. I’m just me. And underneath all the me-ness is this broken person. This girl who won’t ever be right. You deserve more. I know it. Go. Leave me. It’s okay. I’ll survive without you.”

But even as she says it, tears are streaming down her face. “Libby, what are you talking about?”

She can’t talk now. The tears are coming too hard. I hold her in my lap and rub her back until she finally curls up and falls asleep. I put her in her bed and kiss her warm, tear-stained cheek before slipping out of the room and heading to class.

“
Hey Honor!” I call across the lawn, needing to talk to someone who might understand what’s happening.

Honor
freezes. “Something’s wrong.”

I shake my head. “Not with me.”

Honor sighs. “With Libby.”

“You live with her. H
ow can you not have noticed?”

She fidgets with her hair. “It’s not that I didn’t notice. I did. But it’s Libby. I don’t even know what to do.”

“I haven’t seen
Libby
-Libby in almost two weeks.”

She grabs me by the arm and leads me toward our dorm. “I know. Me either.”

I open my mouth to tell her about this morning. To tell her about the tears and Libby falling asleep again, but somehow, I feel like that doesn’t belong to Honor. Like this might be Honor’s way out and maybe I should just keep it to myself.

“Maybe I should stay with her,” I suggest. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. But I also know that there’s a piece of Honor that wants out. I see it every time she looks at
Sawyer. “You could have my single and I’ll stay there.”

I feel the heat on my cheeks the minute Honor stops. She looks weird. Almost jealous
, but I can’t imagine why she would be. Libby is in such bad shape right now that she isn’t worth envying, and I’ve seen Honor moon over Sawyer enough the past few weeks that I know she’s not jealous of me spending time with Libby.

“Are you
that interested in her? Like seriously?” she asks and my cheeks warm even more.

“She needs help, Honor,” I say, which isn’t an answer but it’s the best I’ve got right now.

Honor nods. “You don’t have to move in. I’ll take care of her.”

And just like that, I know that the three of us won’t make it through the year. There’s too much history now. And too much uncertainty and without Libby being Libby, the gulf between Honor and me is far too big.

When we get back to the dorm, I find Libby asleep in my bed. I move closer to her and put my hand on her face. She blinks.

“Hey, I was waiting for you.”

I grin. “I figured. You’re in my room.”

She nods. “Yeah.”

I ease down next to her. She seems so small right now. The complete opposite of when I met her and she filled the room.

“So what’s up?”

“I wanted to say thank you,” she says and shimmies closer to me. “For this morning. For everything.”

I nod.

She lifts herself up on her elbows and stretches like a cat. Her shirt rides up a little and I can’t stop myself from looking. Even now.

She slides up and crosses her leg over mine. “I’m going to kiss you, okay?”

Yes. Wait, no. Suddenly the room is too hot. And I’m not sure what’s going on. “Why?” I search her face and it’s like she’s trying so hard to focus, but all I see is the distracted and hollow girl of the last few weeks.

“Because you’re staying. And you want to help me. And you’re staying. And I don’t know any other way to say thank you.”

I shake my head. “That’s not the kind of kiss I want from you, Libby,” I choke out. I’ve said it. It’s out there and I see something so real and intense cross her face that for a second, I actually do think we might kiss and it’ll be the real thing. But then she looks away.

“I can’t give you what you want. I wish that I could. But it’s so loaded and I’m so me and if we go down that road, it’s
gonna hurt so much more when you leave me.”

“Why?”

She slides her leg off of mine and stands up. “Because I’m fucking in love with you, you stupid asshole. And getting involved with you will wreck me and I don’t see myself coming back from that.”

“I won’t hurt you,” I whisper.

“Of course you will,” she says, and the silence creeps between us until I almost can’t breathe. Then suddenly, a different mask drops onto her face and I’ve lost her again.

“I think we should go out,
” she chirps like the past five minutes didn’t just happen.

“O-
kay, I’ll get Honor.”

“
Nope. Not Honor. She’s got shit to figure out. Just us. Come on. Let’s go. Blue Light House party.”

I groan because it is completely the last thing I want to do right now for so many reasons, but I follow her anyway. I won’t leave her alone.

She interlaces our fingers and doesn’t even bother stopping in her room to tell Honor where we’re headed. Everything between us is weird and if I’m being totally honest, confusing because I’m not sure if I’m getting closer to what I want or farther away from it. But part of me clings to the hope that maybe Libby is going to be okay, and maybe I can actually help her.

“Do you know what I think?” she says when we’re half way across campus. “I think we found each other at the right time.”

“What do you mean?”

She brushes a piece of hair off my forehead and smiles at me. “Well, I think you needed me as much as I needed you. You were just as lost as I was. I saw you that first day. And it was like in that minute, I knew everything about you and understood that you had a hole to fill too.”

“Huh. And what about Honor?”

She raises her shoulder. “Yeah. She was lost too, but Honor would’ve found her way without me. Eventually. She would have figured out who she was and what she was about. It might’ve taken her longer, but she would’ve gotten there.”

“And I wouldn’t have?”

“No, Toby. You’re not that kind of guy. You would’ve stayed lost. Shy. Just under the radar. And you wouldn’t have let anyone see how spectacular you are. How much you have to offer.
And you would’ve always been the safe guy who doesn’t push past that safety.”

“Huh. Well, thanks, I guess.”

Libby laughs. “It
is
a compliment.”

“So you made my spectacular come out?”

She nods and holds on tighter to my hand. “Yes. It comes out for me. Like it’s this gift you’ve given me. And Honor too. But you’re so careful with it. No one else knows. How come you don’t show that part of you to anyone else?”

“I think you’re making me more than I actually am.”

She shakes her head. “No. I’m not. You have this beautiful heart. Under all the other sides of you. That’s why it was horrible when you were attacked. Because you are the last person who should ever feel hate like that.”

I don’t know what to say. It almost feels like too much. Like Libby has launched me on a pedestal that I can’t possibly do anything but topple from. And everything I say will just get me that much closer to
falling.

“You’re spectacular
too, Libs.”

She waves her hand. “No. I’m not. Underneath me, there’s just broken. Nothing good. Just pieces that will never fit together.”

“That’s not true.”

We’re close enough to the house that she ignores me now. She bolts inside and I hear everyone scream her name like they haven’t seen her in weeks. And maybe they haven’t. With all the sleeping and staying in, I doubt anyone has even seen her in class. Which worries me. A lot.

By the time I trail her inside, she’s sandwiched on the dance floor between two very drunk guys. She grins and raises her hand to me, but I’m not sure what she expects. One second she offers to kiss me and calls me spectacular, and the next she’s completely ditched me.

I move to the keg and see
a girl from my business class talking animatedly to another girl. Before I can duck out of the kitchen, she catches my eye and waves me over.

“Toby,” she beams. “I didn’t think I’d see you here.”

She knows my name. I blink. I’ve done a study group with her and I can’t think what her name is. Something with an E. That’s all I can remember. I’m an asshole.

“Elise,” she says, and I’m so grateful for the out that I give her a huge smile that makes her blush. “I di
dn’t take you for a Blue Light House kind of guy.”

I shrug because under any other circumstance, I wouldn’t be here. “I brought a friend.”

“Oh yeah. Who?” She’s fishing. I know girl-fishing, although I’m usually not the one they’re fishing about. She wants to know if I’m available. And I know that now would be a good time to let her down gently.

“A friend,” I say. And that’s all I’ll give her because that’s all I have. I have two friends who are girls.
One of whom I won’t let myself think of as anything else because my heart has already sustained enough blows. And maybe so has hers.