3 Sides to a Circle (14 page)

Why am I not just saying no? Not right now?
Some other time? She doesn’t have to approve of what I wear to an audition.

“I see that look on your face. Toby won’t go out for fun, so we’re bringing it to him. Just change already, Honor. You’re making this a huge deal when it isn’t.”
She’s so damn impatient, and maybe I
am
being ridiculous and prudish.

Before giving myself too mu
ch time to think I jerk off my T-shirt and pants, leaving me in only my black cotton bra and panties.

“Holy shit.” Libby stares. “I think my continuum just shifted.
”

Even T
oby looks over his book, but quickly glances down and shifts his knees to hide better.

I grab the dress, but Libby grabs the other end, still openly staring. “I mean, seriously. Since when do you have abs like this?”

“Since I started waking up ridiculously early to work out.” And since I started thinking I want the Victoria’s Secret job. I jerk the dress from her.

“And you still have boobs.” She rests her hand under my right breast and gives it a little pat from the underside.

I try to ignore Libby
and get dressed, but the dress is stuck on the hanger, and she’s too close to me to move anyway.

“Toby.
Dammit. Put the book down because you might never be in presence of this kind of perfection again.”

Toby’s completely still
and stares with something halfway between lust and panic. He shifts again, and I’m embarrassed for him because he’s obviously turned on and that creates too much weirdness in the room, once again helping me know I’m not
that
way with Toby.

“Libby.” I step back just as someone knocks on the door.

“Come in!” Libby yells as I yell, “Just a minute.”

Sawyer
steps in and freezes, taking in the scene.

A d
ress dangles between Libby and me. There’s a huge bed in the center of my room with Toby trying to bury himself behind a textbook and pretending he doesn’t have a hard-on.

“Uh…”
Sawyer starts, but stops.

“We’re trying to figure out what she’s wearing for her big audition.” Libby wags her brows, and I try to wrap the sleeveless T-shirt dress around me to cover up, but it doesn’
t work because it’s still on the hanger, and it’s pathetically obvious that I was just standing here in my underwear.

“So.
Toby’s helping too?” Sawyer swallows once, and it hits me that this is so many millions of times worse than him getting coffee with a girl. Even if he painted her.
So
much worse.

“No!” Toby and I shout
together just as Libby says, “He wishes, but I don’t think his arm is quite ready for masturbation yet, so he’s probably trying not to look.”

I give up
staying covered and drop the dress to jerk on my jeans.

Libby’s grinning.
Toby’s shrinking, and Sawyer’s still frozen.

I’m hating
Libby a little right now. I don’t care if she helped me “get” Sawyer, she’s obviously trying to ruin it now, and nothing’s changed but
her
outlook.

I grab the first blouse I see
and fumble with the buttons as my fingers shake, and I search my brain for something to say.
Anything
. My hair hangs around my face and almost to my waist, but it still doesn’t hide me well enough. My cheeks are hot and tears prick at my eyes, because I don’t want to beg Sawyer to stay in front of Toby, and I don’t want to be nice to Toby in front of Sawyer, and Libby will call me on any kind of bullshit I try to pull, which means I can’t say anything.

What the hell
is happening to me?

Sawyer
backs up toward the door. “I’ll see you around.”

“No.
Wait.” If I could get one more button done.

Both Toby and Libby stare at me, but
Sawyer’s gone.

“
He’ll be fine.” Libby pushes out a frustrated sigh.

He won’t be fine, and I’m definitely not fine.

I don’t even glance behind me as I leave the room and sprint toward him in bare feet.

“
Sawyer.” I run into his back before he stops. My shirt has four buttons done up in weird places, but I’m past caring.

Sawyer spins around so fast
I nearly fall over. His expression is flat. Completely unreadable. “Is he staying there? I mean, how are all three of you sleeping?”

I blink again. “I know this looks so bad from the outside, but I—”

“Yeah. It looks bad. And I was feeling guilty for painting Lane without talking to you, but it’s not because I didn’t try to get a hold of you, you just didn’t answer. And she was on speaker phone with her
girlfriend
half the time I painted her.”

Lane.
With her girlfriend. I shouldn’t feel this much relief. Now how to explain that incredibly awkward situation.

“
The audition is for Victoria’s Secret. A big deal. Libby thought that it would help if I—”

“And you can say no, Honor.” He shakes his head. “This is why I rarely do relationships. I don’t want to feel this way. Be this guy. I don’t
want
to feel jealous, it’s horrible. But shit, Honor. Are you sharing a bed with that guy every night? And if so, why do you care if I’m here or not? Why am I trying to spend time with you? Or maybe I’m being weird about something I shouldn’t be weird about, but I don’t want to try and be with you if you don’t know what you want. It’s not something I can do. I feel too damn much to put myself through hell right now.”

I stare at the
floor, my long hair once again hanging around me. The absurdity of what Libby, Toby, and I are doing together pushes into me, and tears start falling. I don’t know how to tell Libby no. I’m not sure it can be done. And I’m also not sure if I want anything to change.

“Did you see his face?” I ask.

Sawyer’s silent, but at least he’s not running away.

“He could have died. Some random guys beat him up. And I know it looks crazy, but I flop when I sleep so there’s always a pillow between us, and I… And Libby doesn’t want him to be alone.”

He lets out a long sigh, but still isn’t running away.

“I promise that’s all. Just until he gets better.”

We stand in silence as I continue to brush my tears away, but at least Sawyer hasn’t left. The relief sends a fresh wave of tears down my cheeks.

“You
wanna talk?” he asks, finger brushing my chin. “Victoria’s Secret. If you want it, it’s kind of a huge deal, huh?”

I nod once.

“Look, I—”

Instead of
letting him finish, I lean forward and press our lips together, amazed at my bravery. I’m done living in a world where I’m anticipating being with him. Instead of stepping away, like I expect, he takes my face in his hands and kisses me back, his tongue finding mine and his hands smoothing down my body to my waist, us stumbling a little until my back’s against the wall. Now we get our first real kiss, and I wish that I wasn’t freaking out and he wasn’t hurting, but the emotions pour between us pulling us together and intensifying what would already be an amazing experience.

“Honor,” he whispers
as he pulls just far enough away that our lips no longer touch. “I’m feeling like I shouldn’t like you this much. Like you’re going to destroy me, and I don’t want to start like that.”

“Please. Can we go somewhere a
nd talk? There’s too much to think about right now.”

Our breathing echoes between us for a moment.

“Can I go back and get you a coat or shoes? Or do you want to?” He steps away, seeming too quiet or maybe stunned.

Th
e thought of going back in my room and basically saying that I’m choosing Sawyer over them right now isn’t something I’m ready to do.

“Any shoes would be great.” I nod and lean against the wall before my body internalizes the emotional wreck tearing at me and I collapse.

Sawyer heads back up the hall, and steps into my dorm room without a knock. I start trying to fix my buttons, but my hair will have to stay down because I have no ties.

Their voices actually r
ise, but I can’t make out words, and it doesn’t matter. Before Libby can come out and tell me I’m being stupid, I open the door for the stairs and start down the cold steps in my bare feet, not wanting to think about what’s happening inside. Just needing a little bit of breathing room and so grateful Sawyer’s dealing with them to give it to me.

Toby

Sawyer
bursts back in the room with a half-pissed look on his face, and I jump to standing, which makes me lose my breath.

“I got no problem with anyone. I just need shoes and a coat for Honor.” His voice is calm like he expects a fight from Libby, but she wou
ldn’t be that stupid, would she?

“She’s not getting them herself?” Libby shrieks. “What the fuck?”

Yeah, she’s that stupid. Or that clueless.

Sawyer
grabs a pair of boots and a coat that I actually think is Libby’s, but it doesn’t even matter because Libby is still sputtering about being in college and freedom and not letting a guy dictate your actions.

He looks at me for a
second too long on his way out then heaves a giant sigh and leaves. Silence blankets the room for a moment before I feel like I can speak.

“It was a bit much,
Libs. The clothes thing. Any guy would feel that way, even if they’re only casual.”

“Fuck that noise. That’s ridiculous. You’re basically an invalid. What did he expect? We’re not going to just leave our best friend to recover on his own. I hate when bullshit gender politics have to come in and muck up a perfectly good situation.”

I shake my head. “You’re full of shit.”

“What?”

“You played us. Both of us. You knew it would freak Honor out and you knew what it would do to me, and you just wanted to mess with us.” I hope she knows me well enough to know we’re still okay.

Her bottom lip thrusts forward in a pout and I almost laugh at her. “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

I swat at her and pull her down next to me. “Yes, you did.”

She curls into me and
it feels a little like soothing a child. Somehow it always ends up feeling this way with Libby. Like we need to take care of her, even though she is so clearly steering this ship.

“Do you think the Victoria
’s Secret thing is weird?” she asks and her voice is small enough to make me wonder if she’s a little jealous of Honor.

“Not really. I mean, a little I guess. I don’t judge her for wanting to do it, if that’s what you mean.” I tuck a piece of her purple hair behind her ear.

She shrugs and nudges her head into my chest. My ribs ache a little, but not enough for me to say anything. “I don’t judge her either,” she finally says. “But it feels so un-Honor. Like that isn’t what she’s about. Like she’s made of more substance than that.”

“You
are
judging. It’s just a job. It could probably mean a lot of money for her. Her dad’s military and her mom doesn’t work. She’s gotta be swimming in student loans as bad as we are.”

Libby nods but stays quiet. And it occurs to me again that she never talks about her family. She has an older sister. Already married. And she’s mentioned her mom, but only in the context of stories from when she was a kid. I’ve never seen her call home.

“Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” I ask, and I feel her tense for a heartbeat then relax again.

“Of course.”

“You taking the bus?”

“I haven’t decided. Hey listen, I think maybe we should do something for Honor.”

I chuckle. “I think you’ve done enough.”

She sits up too fast and my ribs squeeze against my lungs. “For real. It could
be for all of us really. I read this thing online about kids making a lot of money selling used golf balls. And you know, we’re right next to the country club. They’re probably hundreds of golf balls around that place.”

“Hundreds? We’re in Ohio
, it’s not exactly the country club capital of the world.”

She starts rifling through her clothes, ignoring me. I know this look on Libby’s face. There’s going to be no stopping her. “It’s a public country club. Lots of people use it. And probably there are even more golf balls around because the people who play there kind of suck. This will be perfect.”

“You want us to collect golf balls?” I sit up slowly.

She beams at me as she pulls out a flashlight. “Yes. You,
me, and Honor. We can collect the balls, sell them, and have a big celebratory feast. We’ll go out to Bistro 134. It’ll be like our own Thanksgiving.”

I eye her skeptically. “I thought you said you were going home for Thanksgiving.”