Zora and Nicky: A Novel in Black and White (39 page)

We get into the kitchen, and Billie is cleaning up a mountain of dishes.

“Let me help you,” I say.

“Not a chance, baby.” She makes kissy lips, and I go to her for a kiss on
my cheek and a hug she doesn’t use her sudsy hands to give me.

“How did you sleep?”

I sigh. “Impossibly.”

“I bet.”

Pepetua lets out a big sigh. “You are soooooo lucky. Nicky is totally
gorgeous.”

I shoot a look at her and then Billie.

Billie shrugs. “Well, she’s sixteen. And come on, there hasn’t been
much excitement in this particular house in months. Not since this
woman named Tina stayed here and her boyfriend came here trying to
shoot everything.”

“He was shooting at people? A crazy man with a gun just came in
shooting?”

“No, he was an idiot with an air gun and those plastic pellets. He didn’t
shoot anybody. He shot stuff. A lamp. A big stuffed bear. Stuffy sustained
multiple gunshot wounds. I didn’t appreciate that. John won that bear for
Monica at Cedar Point when she was three. She loved that bear, and she was
traumatized when he got shot.”

I laugh because Billie is salty about the
bear
getting shot.

She must realize how she sounds. “Well, you know what I mean.”

“So you saw him, huh, Perpetua?”

“You can call me Pet, Zora. It’s not that bad. And I’ve seen him before.
He dropped off some donations from his church. He’s way hot.”

“Okay, not hot,” Billie says. “You can call him a lot of things, but not hot.”

“Maaaaaaoohhhhhm.”

“Men can be a lot of things, but never, ever hot. Not until you’re married.
And only your husband can be hot. So make sure you marry a hot guy.”

“Well, how can I marry a hot guy if I can’t think any of them are hot
before I marry one?”

“It’s a paradox, sweetie.” She looks to me. “So you didn’t sleep thinking
about your true love?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Oh, sweetie. I saw the two of you. If I’ve ever seen two people in love.…
He wanted to know if you could see him.”

Perpetua starts piling food on a plate for me. “Do you love him?”

I go quiet. I think Billie is going to answer for me, but she doesn’t.
Perpetua doesn’t push me. Instead she puts a plate of eggs, grits, fresh fruit,
and toast in front of me. She pours me a glass of orange juice.

“We already prayed over the food,” she said. “And we pray for about an
hour so it’s way blessed.”

Billie laughs. “Yeah. We gotta bless, and say the Lord’s Prayer, and about
twelve Lord Have Mercies. It’s blessed all right.”

The food is good. Pet starts helping her mom. I think about Nicky
between bites of eggs. How I felt touching his face. How I saw him hours
ago, but I miss him. How I want to hear his smart-mouthed remarks
and hear him laugh and see everything—that whole world—inside of his
eyes.

“I love him,” I say.

I feel so happy saying it. And so sad.

“I know, sweetie,” Billie says.

Pet says, “I so could tell. Are you gonna marry him?”

Billie looks horrified. “Perpetua Jordan!”

“What?” she asks. She is truly her mother’s child. “I just want to know if
she’s going to marry Nicky. He’s adorable, and he’s totally into her.”

“That’s crazy,” I say.

“Marrying him, or that he’s into you?” she asks.

“Both,” I answer.

W
E DO SOME
cleaning around the house, and I dream of colors for the walls.
I think of my family’s timeshare in the Bahamas and all those island-inspired
colors. Ocean and sand. Shells. The sun rising and setting. Nothing Day-Glo.
All colors from nature. From the beach. And maybe in the bathrooms I can
use a bit of a nature theme too.

Lord, where is the money going to come from for that? And who cares?

Billie would care. And probably Pet. Those kids. Would the stranger feel
less welcome if he came into a house of beauty? Not ostentatious beauty.
Simple beauty. Something a few coats of paint could bring? Nicky would like
it. I can make a wall to match the blue of his eyes.

What am I thinking? I’m acting like I’m a part of the Beloved Community.
Maybe I wish I was. I wish I was a part of something.

Or is it someone?

I wish I could see him today.

I’m afraid to see him. I just told two people that I love Nicky Parker. I just
told
myself
, and unfortunately, I meant it.

Now I want to tell him.

I have to distract myself before I start calling a certain phone number
written on the back of a poem.

Zora Parker. That sounds so much better than Zora Zekora.

I’m losing my mind.

“Pet, is there a corner store around here?”

“Sure. Wanna walk over there?”

“Yeah. Billie, can I put cornrows in Monica and Clare’s hair?”

Billie looks up from sweeping the kitchen floor. “Really?” I can tell she’s
excited about it. “Can you do Frances’s hair too?”

“Sure.”

“And can you put some beads in my dreads?”

“I think I can manage to get some on the small ones. I can give you an
up-do too.”

She grins. “John had better get ready!”

“Just don’t get
pregnant
again, Mom,” Pet says.

We’re in a black neighborhood. I know I can find the right kind of comb
in the ’hood. I’m going to get some hair oil and some rubber bands and make
an offering out of doing all kinds of pretty little golden-girl heads around
here. I don’t have any paint, but I can cornrow some hair like any sistah
from around the way. I can give God that before I head back to that lonely
apartment and wait for the gauntlet to come down.

F
IVE CORNROWED HEADS
and one up-do later, a finer version of Billie reluctantly
takes me home. She’s still worried that Miles is going to get his “paws” on
me.

“Don’t forget,” she says. “Just because you had a bad moment doesn’t
mean you have to make any lifetime commitments to him.”

“I feel so tainted.”

“It’s a feeling. Yesterday was a colossally bad day, sweetie. What you felt
is gonna pass.”

“And what about all these feelings I have about Nicky? What about those,
Billie?”

“Those aren’t going anywhere anytime too soon.”

“The feelings I want to have for Miles, I have for Nicky.”

“Just allow yourself to feel what you feel.”

“What if he’s just playing games with me?”

“Which one of them?”

“Nicky?”

“Nicky is totally serious. It’s Miles that’s playing games. And his games
are far more dangerous.”

“Miles has been seriously interested in me for a long time. I knew he
would ask me to marry him. I mean, I expected something more romantic,
but I knew it was in the plan.”

“I’m sure he has plans.”

“Billie, that’s not fair. Miles is just ambitious. There’s nothing wrong with
that.”

“Maybe it’s not. Maybe it is. But Zora, I haven’t heard you say a thing
about being in love with him, or even wanting him, but I did hear you say you
loved Nicky. I did see you with him, and all I saw was grace and tenderness
between you two. But when I saw you with Miles, he had an air mattress and
a box of condoms.”

“That was my fault.”

“Somehow I doubt that, unless you asked that man to go get you those
things, and I know you didn’t.”

“Maybe my actions asked him for it.”

“Oh, sweetie. Please don’t do this to yourself. This is why you don’t need
to be alone.”

“I can guarantee that if Nicky called Miles, Daddy is going to come
around and see me today. And he’s probably going to be bearing gifts.”

For a few moments Billie is quiet. “We’ve got a couple that’s moving on.
What if we made room for you at our house? You can stay with us. You wouldn’t
have to worry about finding a job right away. All your needs would be met.”

“But don’t you guys share everything?”

“Yes.”

“That’s a pretty radical move. I don’t know if I’m ready to live in that kind
of community.”

“I understand that, Zora, but we are just crazy about you. And I don’t like
the thought of you being on your own. Community has its challenges, but it
has its joys. And it has its safety. You can leave when you want to. We’re not a
cult, Zora. We’re a family of God. You can take some time to seek God and find
out who He wants you to be. And who He wants you to be
with
, and we’ll help
you so you avoid the kind of situation you had with Miles yesterday.”

My heart actually feels a little torn. I’ve been asking Jesus what it means to
be poor in spirit. And here I can give up everything and live in community and
dedicate my life to service. I can free myself from being a slave to possessions
and what someone else believes God made me to be. Now Billie is offering
the opportunity to be a part of the Beloved Community. Even the name stirs
up longing inside me.

I slump in the seat of the VW bus. “I’ll have to think about it, Billie.
Either way, I’ll still have to go to my apartment. I know my family is going
to want to contact me.”

“Don’t make any decisions when you’re feeling this way. Especially bad
ones.”

“Miles is all stirred up, Billie. It’s just like the Song of Solomon says.
Don’t awaken love before its time.”

“What you awakened in Miles wasn’t love, baby. Love doesn’t go to Wal-
Mart to shop for what he got. The other ‘l’ word does.”

“He wants to correct it. He said he’ll marry me.”

“Zora, you’re going to make me have a stroke if you say that one more
time. You can’t marry him because you let him take a few liberties. Don’t you
see how confused you are? This is precisely why you need to let us love on
you and protect you. And you’ll have to forgive me for saying this, but I don’t
think your family has been protecting you. Not lately.”