Zombies Eat Lawyers (6 page)

"I thought you were warming up to California," Huck pleaded. "Besides, you know becoming a Real Estate mogul has been my dream."

"What about my dreams? I’m a simple country chick. Moving me to California would be like putting a cow on a leash and asking it to fetch."

Inhibitions were one thing, but infidelity was a deal breaker. Sure Huck was loyal, but he was no lap dog. And it was not the time to roll over. "Of course," Huck quipped. "So why not just run off with the first hick with a hard on?"

Nicole put on the dough-eyed, yet tight-lipped face that Huck knew all too well. Here came a doozy..

"Let me explain it to you like this," Nicole said, like a Mother disciplining a child. "I’m ovulating. And I’m tired of waiting for you to put a bun in my oven. Allan on the other hand is itching for a rug rat of his own. Not to mention he’s hung like an elephant on steroids. So you see, it’s really a Menstrual Miracle--timing wise."

It was like being kicked in the balls with steel-toed boots. Huck couldn't speak, rather just stammered like a drunk on a trivia show searching for a response. But what Huck lacked in verbiage, he made up for in simmering rage. And finally, Huck boiled over.

"I can’t believe you’re doing this to me," Huck snapped. "Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed for this relationship? I made paper mache with you. Took ballroom dancing. Hell, I watched The Romance Diaries--twice."

The Romance Diaries was the Everest of chick flicks. The kind of "I can't believe what I'm doing to get laid" sappy weep fest that made women coo and men cringe. To brave The Romance Diaries meant instant carnal karma. And yet Nicole was only offering catastrophe.

But Nicole wasn't content until she poured salt into Huck's wound. "If it’ll make you feel any better, we can name our first kid after you."

Cupid’s Dating Disasters

Excerpt

Star Crossed Lovers

Cupid wasn't taking any chances with his new date. No renegade cell phones or brooding ex's at the next table. And definitely no relationship bombshells dropped before the waiter even took their order. Cupid was instead opting for a nice relaxing massage at the Turning Screw Casino Resort. And after driving all the way to Verona to pick up Juliet, Cupid was desperate for a massage.

In a city of ten minute commutes, the drive to Verona cost Cupid half an hour. So it was not often Cupid found himself making the trek from Liverpool. But Cupid was hoping his date would be a delicious exception.

Things were certainly going better for Cupid than his last dates. The duo dined at the casino's upscale restaurant. An appetizer plate was delivered to the table without incident. But though Juliet's body was relaxed, her tongue was not.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Juliet asked.

"Love? That's a really strong word. I mean, I think you can be really attracted to someone when you first see them. But love is something you develop over time," Cupid answered.

"I think if you're destined to be with someone, your soul knows it right away. I mean, if I don't want to call your name from a balcony after meeting you, then what's the point?"

"I don't know. Getting to know someone. Enjoying each others company. Just having a good time."

"No no. I need to feel that parting is such sweet sorrow. That warring families be damned. That no matter how star crossed, love will survive."

"Don't you think that's a little much for a first date?" Cupid asked.

"This is the problem with the world right now. You see plenty of people that want to kill each other and not enough that will die to be with each other."

"Die for each other? We just met."

"Passion is everything in a relationship. Wouldn't you rather live a short life filled with smoldering desire than a humdrum eternity?"

"I would rather a normal date. No drama. No grandiose statements. Just finding out if we're right for each other."

"You know, they say that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. But I'm seeing a lot more thorns than I expected," Juliet remarked.

"Wow. It's like you're speaking a whole different language. I mean, if you think love has to be at first sight, does that mean you feel that way about me?"

Juliet furrowed her brow. "No. Which is exactly the problem."

"No it's not. That's normal. We just met. I mean look, you seem like a perfectly great woman. A little intense in that theater geek kind of way. But I think we could really hit it off if you give it time," Cupid stated.

"I don't give things time. It either feels right or it doesn't. And I'm not infatuated with or consumed by you. I don't know if this is going to work," Juliet dismissed.

"Here's an idea. I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. When I come back, I'll flag down the waiter, order us some drinks, then we'll see how the night unfolds."

Juliet considered. "Alright. But you're lucky that massage chilled me out."

Cupid headed off to the men’s room to compose himself. He took a deep breath and wondered if You Harmony hadn't mistaken him for a moody emo brat. The funny thing was, if you took out the love at first sight or bust talk, then Juliet was pretty lovable.

Cupid returned to his table hoping to hit the reset button on his date, but found other trouble afoot. Juliet had disappeared. Cupid scanned the restaurant, wondering where she could have gone. Surely she didn't walk out on him...did she?

Then Cupid got the last answer he'd ever expect. Cupid spotted Juliet on a stool of the hotel bar--lip locking with another man.

"Wow," Juliet said, smitten as she pulled back from a kiss with the other man.

"I'll say," Cupid cut in, taking a swing at the Man.

But the Man had ninja quick reflexes. The Man dodged the punch, then flipped Cupid on the ground where he proceeded to put his shoe on Cupid's wind pipe.

"I have no quarrel with you," the Man said. "But I will duel you if I have to."

"What the hell is going on here?" Cupid screamed.

"Cupid. This is Romeo," Juliet explained.

"I don't care what his name is. What was he doing kissing you?" Cupid asked.

"What light through yonder window breaks. It is the East, and Juliet is the Sun," Romeo proclaimed.

"Oh brother. I don't like the way that sounded," Cupid muttered.

"Look, I just want you to know I never meant for this to happen," Juliet stated.

"It's true. I came here in search of Rosalind. But when fair Juliet came in my sight, I could not take my eyes off of her," Romeo continued.

"But I was only in the men’s room ten minutes," Cupid argued.

"It's like I tried telling you. Sometimes your body knows right away when you meet the right person," Juliet explained.

"Wait a minute. You're dumping me on our first date for a guy you just met while I was in the bathroom?" Cupid asked.

"Cupid. Look. You're a sweet guy. And that's why I'm confident you'll find someone who makes you smolder," Juliet declared. "But look, Romeo and I are destined for a happy ending together. I just know it."

*****

"Did you piss off a Wiccan in a past life or something?" Snow White asked as she and Cupid played fetch with their pooches in the dog park. "Or are you just naturally cursed?"

"Beats me. All I know is whoever owns that liquor store across from the casino just made a small fortune off me," Cupid muttered.

"Ah, nothing like getting plastered in a liquor store parking lot," Snow White wise cracked.

"If You Harmony isn't careful, I might take them back on their money back guarantee," Cupid declared.

"Might? Your last date ended with you throwing up in a liquor store dumpster. What more do you need before you just decide maybe it's time to take your foot out of the dating pool?"

"What if I said the same thing about Charming? That maybe you're not fit for a Prince?"

"You don't have to say it," Snow White admitted. "I'm starting to believe it."

"I was joking, Snow. Come on. Forget the Queen. You're the fairest of them all. And the Prince will see that."

"Have you ever thought that maybe the Universe is trying to tell us something? That maybe timing is everything and it's just our time to devour romance novels and drink wine out of a box?"

"No. But it does make me seriously consider opening that matchmaking agency I've been toying with for years. And you can be my first client."

"Cupid. No offense. I love you to death, but why would I use a matchmaker that can't even match himself?"

"Hey. Technically, I brought Romeo and Juliet together."

"There's a slogan for you. Go on a bad date with me now and find your soul mate later."

Cupid sneered at Snow White. "Hey, I'm a great date," Cupid insisted. "It's these women that are crazy. I mean, who actually believes a first date is a failure if you aren't willing to die for someone hours after meeting them?"

"Who are you calling crazy? Your last date ended in a liquor store parking lot, yet you haven't ruled out going on another one."

"Yes, but Romeo and Juliet are probably on their way to happily ever after."

"I think you should cool it off. Just give dating a rest for a while. Otherwise you come off as desperate."

"Fine. You can have your wine in a box. I have a feeling my next date is going to put a romance novel to shame."