Zombie Lover (38 page)

"So you were just going through the motions, pretending to want a prince," Bmk said

"We'll, I'd marry a prince if he wanted me But let's be realistic If a regular man doesn't want me, why should a prince9"

Bmk saw her point Still, she seemed like a nice girl, when allowances were made "You're half human9 Do you have a magic talent9"

"Yes, but it doesn't do me any good It's the cold shoulder "

"You mean you can ignore people9"

"No, I mean I can make my shoulder cold Feel it "

Bmk let go of her hand and touched her shoulder It was cold "I suppose that wouldn't make you comfortable to sleep beside," he said

"Well, it's not cold all the time, only when I turn it on "

"Can you make it hot too9"

"No, only cold I seldom bother "

"Does it make you shiver9"

"No, that doesn't bother me But I guess the heated exchange from my shoulder makes my heart hot and I hate being hot-hearted while cold-shouldering folk "

The ground of Ptero was now rushing up, and they had to concentrate on their landing But Bmk continued to think about what he had learned Tipsy had a warm heart, which no one appreciated She had already done him a favor by giving him time to think instead of constantly trying to seduce him She wasn't pretty, but she would be good for any man who cared about character more than appearance That was of course the problem he knew of no men like that Even he himself liked Chameleon much better when she was beautiful than when she was smart

They landed The girls were surprised "There's no bump1" Dav-ina cried

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"This is a dream, remember," Dor reminded her "But it will become more solid as you get used to it "

"I think it's fascinating," Fiona said
 
"I love dreaming like this "

"Now where can we find some princes9" Dolph asked

"We'll have to ask," Dor said with regret "That means exchanging a favor "

"Maybe that tower will know," Tipsy suggested, pointing to a nearby tower that seemed to be made of eyeballs

Dor considered "I wonder whether eyeballs are animate or inanimate7 I can talk to them it they are the latter "

They went to the tower, which turned out to be huge Big solid eyeballs braced the four corners of the base, and smaller ones were piled up to a towering top, where a single monstrous eye stared around.

"You can talk to it and see whether it answers," Bink suggested

"What are you9" Dor asked it

"I am the Eye-full Tower," it replied
 
"I see everything "

"Can you see where a number of princes are9"

"Certainly Do you want to know where they are9"

"Yes"

"What service will you exchange for that information9"

"Well, I can talk with the inanimate "

"1 can see that, old man Now what will you exchange9"

"What do you want9" Dor asked

"I want to get rid of that club soda that lurks too close "

They looked, but saw only a sparkling pool
 
"Where9" Dor asked

"Go drink some soda and see "

"Frn thirsty," Davma said
 
She knelt and dipped a little cup into the soda She sipped it

Suddenly she was flat on her back Fiona rushed to help her sit up "It clubbed me," Davma said dizzily
 
Tiny planets whirled around her head

Now Bmk appreciated why the Eye-full Tower might not appre ciate having the pool so close
 
Any splashing would get an eyeball clubbed

But how could they move a pool' It happened to be in a hollow, with the land rising in all directions

"I could push it somewhere," Dolph said
  
"If it were solid "

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"I can make it solid," Tipsy said

Dolph looked at her
  
"How can you do that9"

"Like this " Tipsy rolled back her sleeve so that her shoulder showed It looked faintly blue, oddly She lay down so close to the edge that the bare shoulder overlapped the pool She angled her body so that the shoulder touched the surface of the liquid

A film appeared on the pool, spreading out from the point of contact Soon it thickened "Hey, I'm cold1" the pool protested

"That's ice'" Bmk exclaimed
 
"From the cold shoulder "

The ice reached across the pool and penetrated to its base "I think it can be moved now," Tipsy gasped

Dolph changed into a bull dozer, perhaps inspired by the one they had seen on the Isle of Bovmes, put down his horns, and pushed. The ice slid out ot the hollow in one thick disk Dolph shoved it on across the landscape, until it went over a ridge and slid down the far side, away from the tower

"Now, if you care to tell us where those princes are—" Dor said

"Fair enough Follow the direction ot my gaze to the horizon There you will find Prince Town, where all the unemployed princes are getting educated But you will have to cross more than one comic strip on the way "

"Thank you," Dor said He oriented on the direction the towering eye was looking

But the others were not quite ready Fiona had gotten Davma to her feet, and the tiny planets had faded But Tipsy remained on the ground Bmk went to her "May I help you up9"

"Don't touch my shoulder," she gasped
 
"You'll freeze "

So he reached down and put his arm around her waist It was quite warm He lifted her. and she fell against him Her chest was burning hot No wonder she was gasping It had been a considerable heat exchange

"How can I help you7" he asked, concerned

"No. I'll be all right when I even out " But she seemed to be in real distress That amount of heat exchange must have stressed her system to the breaking point, even in a dream

"How can I help you7" he repeated

She blushed, but that might be another effect of the heat "If >ou could stand to—to kiss me—"

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PIERS ANTHONY

He kissed her. Heat flowed from her face to his, warming him throughout. It wasn't physical heat, but emotional warmth. Because her heart was hot. She needed release from the agony of unrequited warm-heartedness.

He held her while her body returned to normal. Her shoulder warmed up and her bosom cooled. "Thank you," she murmured at last.

"Thank you," he replied. "You enabled us to get the information we need."

They set out for Prince Town. Dolph could have changed form and carried them, but might have confused the direction, so they stayed on the ground.

Soon they came to a comic strip. "I think we had better mark our direction carefully and fly over this," Dor said grimly.

"Why?" Davina asked. "It looks like an innocent border."

The three men sent a glance circling around. They shrugged. Some things were best learned the hard way.

They stepped onto the strip. There was a pretty flower in the shape of a stomach. "Oh, what a pretty posy!" Fiona said, learning forward to sniff it.

"Wait!" Dor said sharply. "What is that?"

"That's a cute gastritis," one of several nearby crosses replied. Each of them was garbed in a dress. "Sniff it and you'll have one heaven of a stomachache."

Fiona jerked her head back. "Thank you for the warning, cross dressers," she said.

Suddenly a swarm of bright red ants crossed in front of them. Wherever they stepped, fire broke out. "Those fire ants are ringing us with fire!" Dolph cried.

They retreated—and fell with several splashes into a foul pond of soapy water. "What is this?" Dor demanded as he struggled to get out of it.

"Lake Hogwash," the pond replied. "To wash pigs like you."

There were even toys floating in the dirty water. Bink grabbed one that was in the shape of a word: LET. It was attached to a string that disappeared into the murky depths. "What are you?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious, sewer-breath? I'm a Toy Let."

It figured. But it could be useful. Bink jerked hard on the string.

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There was a loud sucking sound, and the level of the hogwash descended.

"What did you do?" Tipsy asked as she fought to stay clear of the small whirlpool that was forming.

"I flushed the Toy Let."

Soon they were standing around the drain in the bottom. All the hogwash has been flushed.

They looked for a way to climb out of the empty pool. Dolph felt among several disks that were perched near the edge. "Quit that, you bleepity bleep!" a disk swore villainously. It was of course a disk cuss.

Fiona found a way that led through another pool, one that had not drained. But she hesitated to try it. A number of small bug-like creatures floated in it. "What are you?" she asked it.

"I'm a sep tic tank," it replied.

"Those are sep tics!" Bink said, recognizing them. "They live in sludgy bays. They'll suck out our minds in the filthiest way."

They finally found a shallow section and helped each other out. Here there were a number of elastic loops. Whenever someone picked one up, it played music. Since they were easy to pick up—they stuck to shoes and clothing—soon there was a discordant medley. "I hate rubber bands," Dor muttered.

Bink came up against a clump of big-leafed plants. They bore fruit that hung down and pointed up. "Eat me!" the fruit begged.

Tipsy reached for one. "I am suddenly hungry," she said.

Bink stopped her. "Wait till we get out of the comic strip. Those fruits will drive you crazy."

"Why? What are they?"

"Bananas."

Meanwhile Fiona had brushed a huge toad. "Oooo, I'm going to fight the whole world!" she cried, looking for a weapon.

Dolph grabbed her and looked at her hand. "I thought so: you've got warts."

"Let go of me!" she raged. "I have battles to fight."

But Dolph got a piece of cloth and scrubbed at her hand until the warts came off. Then she relaxed. "Those were WARts," he explained. "They make you go to war."

"Oh," she said, abashed.

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Tipsy saw a nice-looking pillow. "Maybe I'll sit on that and rest," she said.

"First let me check," Dor said. "What are you?"

"Sit on me and find out!"

"Don't get fresh with me. What are you?"

"Awww. I'm a pun cushion."