Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (3 page)

Let me introduce you to the baddest prophet around.

His name is TIRESIAS.

So besides having an awesome name

Tiresias is this guy who was out hiking one day

and he sees these two snakes doing it

and so he just goes “WHAT?

I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN’ IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN.”

and just runs up and beats them to death with his trusty walking stick

LIKE A BADASS.

Now that’s all well and good

but apparently Hera was REALLY excited about seeing these snakes do it

because then she gets REALLY pissed

and says “SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SNAKES, HUH?

WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU

. . . into a woman for some reason.”

So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for seven years.

He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basically at all

and in fact he just shits right into Hera’s hands

by becoming the best prostitute the world has ever seen.

S/he invents so many new sex positions

that they have to revise gravity to accommodate them.

It is that kind of party.

So after seven years of awesome loveless sex

Tiresias is wandering through the mountains again

and he/she sees two snakes doing it

and just says “Fuck it” and runs up and beats them to death again

at which point Hera kind of sighs

and realizes that she is not going to teach this motherfucker anything about anything

and turns him back into a man

because if you are going around beating the shit out of reptiles

what are you, if not the ultimate man?

CUT TO A FEW WEEKS LATER.

Zeus and Hera have kind of an argument

which is not unusual for them.

The argument is about who enjoys sex more:

dudes or chicks.

Hera says it’s gotta be dudes

presumably because she has never enjoyed sex with her awful cheating husband

and Zeus says it’s definitely gotta be chicks

presumably because he has a hyperinflated sense of his own sexual prowess

so the two of them yell at each other and throw lightning for a while

until finally they’re like “Wait a second

we totally know a dude who has also been a chick

and has had SCADS of sex as both types.

Maybe we should try asking him?”

So they go hit up Tiresias like “Yo

who has sexier sex, dudes or chicks?”

And Tiresias is like “OH MAN

I thought you would never ask.

Now, I have had some sex in my day

I’ve played naked Twister and Boner Bingo

and all the different kinds of Yahtzee

but I’ve gotta say

when it comes to chicks and dudes

I actually figured it out mathematically

and it turns out chicks enjoy sex exactly NINE TIMES MORE THAN DUDES.”

And Zeus is like “HAH!

I TOLD YOU, HERA!

JUST BECAUSE I PUT NO EFFORT INTO OUR SEX LIFE

DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE IS THE NORM.”

And Hera is like “GODS DAMMIT, TIRESIAS

MY HUSBAND DID NOT NEED ANOTHER EXCUSE TO NOT TRY IN BED.

LET’S SEE HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY SEX

WITHOUT YOUR EYESSSS.”

and Tiresias is like “Well, actually the eyes are not erogenous zones so . . .

OH SHIT, I’M BLIND NOW.”

And Zeus is like “Hera, why you gotta be like that?

Is it because I blackmailed you into marrying me and now I only bang whores?

Because if so then there’s no reason to take it out on Tiresias.

Yo, T-dawg, I’m sorry about my wife, bro.

Lemme go ahead and give you the gift of prophecy to make up for that.”

And Tiresias is like “Okay that works out pretty well actually.”

And then after that he shows up in a whole bunch of stories

and he is always right about everything he says

and no one ever fucks with him because he is psychic and also probably a sex god.

So the moral of this story is for the fellas.

Fellas

before you complain that pleasing your lady is too difficult

try walking a mile in her boobs.

And as long as we’re talking about things Tiresias did . . .

So this story begins, like all good stories, with a hot nymph.

She’s blue

literally, her skin is blue.

That’s not really important to the story I’m just giving you all the facts.

Anyway, one day she’s out near some river

and the local river god Cephisus

who no one has ever heard of

is like “Maybe if I rape this nymph the other gods will take me seriously.”

So he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her with his winding streams

(wink wink)

and then at that point she really has nothing to do but get seduced

so they have a kid.

This kid is named Narcissus.

Narcissus is
gorgeous
.

Like, imagine if someone could
look
exactly like bacon
tastes

and you have a pretty good picture of Narcissus

(unless you’re a vegetarian).

So his mom is like “Oh snap

my skin is BLUE and I STILL got raped.

What the hell is going to happen to my kid?

He’s not even a year old and already looks like he could suck the red off a fire truck.”

So she takes Narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land

who is of course Tiresias

And Liriope is like “Is my son going to get raped?”

and Tiresias looks up from his work

which is beating snakes to death with a stick whenever they try to get their freak on

And he’s like “Bitch, please.

Kid’s gonna be fine

just as long as he doesn’t COME TO KNOW HIMSELF.”

And Liriope is like “What the hell does that even mean?”

And Tiresias is like “QUIET, WOMAN.

I THINK I HEAR SOME SNAKES HAVING SEX.”

Then he runs off, brandishing his stick.

So Liriope is just like whatever

and Narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad

so strapping in fact

that by the time he is sixteen

every last person in his town wants to bang the bajeezus out of him.

But Narcissus is like “Sorry ladies/dudes/centaurs

I have unreasonably high standards.”

So basically, no one is happy.

Then one day

Narcissus goes walking in the forest

where bad shit just generally tends to happen

and this nymph named Echo sees him

and of course, being as this nymph has eyes

she is instantly head over vagina in love with him.

There is a problem though

which is that “Echo” is not just some kind of playful nickname

it refers to the fact

that she cannot say anything except for things she has just heard other people say

because Hera got pissed off about how she used to use her silver tongue

to buy Zeus some precious escape time during his adultery runs

and maybe also used her silver tongue on Zeus in other ways.

Would that feel good, even?

A silver tongue?

ANYWAY.

So Echo is stalking Narcissus through the woods

not able to say anything

but I guess she makes some kind of noise

’cause then Narcissus is all “WHO’S THERE?”

and Echo is like “WHO’S THERE?”

and Narcissus is like “NARCISSUS”

and Echo is like “NARCISSUS”

and Narcissus is like “YES”

which Echo mistakes for consent

so she jumps out of the woods like “YESSSS”

and comes running toward him, totally nude

and Narcissus is like “Hey, totally naked hot nymph

allow me to introduce you to my unreasonably high standards.

Unreasonably high standards, meet naked hot nymph.”

So Echo runs back into the woods crying

except she probably can’t even cry without hearing someone else do it first

but anyway she gets pretty butthurt about the whole thing

and not in the good way that she wanted

so she just mopes around the forest

until her body actually DISAPPEARS

and only her voice remains

and then she uses that voice

to pray to Aphrodite

(or actually Venus because this is the Roman version of the story)

and is like “Mess this dude up for me, okay?”

I’m not sure how she managed to make up this prayer all on her own

but I like to think she probably did it

by hanging around the legions of chicks

who all wished Narcissus was dead because he wouldn’t bone them.

So Venus hears the prayer and is like DONE

and Narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty

and the only water in the woods happens to be this deep pool

of crystal-clear springwater

so he starts drinking out of it

but then he stops

because he realizes that what he is drinking

is the face of the most beautiful man he has ever seen.

He falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory

that he pines after this dude for like, days

until he realizes

PLOT TWIST

the dude in the pond is actually a reflection OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF

because apparently

for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE

he has NEVER SEEN HIS OWN REFLECTION.

He has never taken a bath

or like, had a cup of water

or, you know, stared REALLY HARD at a bald guy.

He has led a pretty sheltered life, apparently.

So anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSED

and like, rips off all his clothes

and refuses to eat

which not only makes him more attractive to himself

but also dead

and he goes down to basically the shittiest part of hell

and spends the rest of forever staring at his reflection in the river Styx.

Meanwhile, Echo’s voice shows up in the woods and finds Narcissus’s body

and is like “Dammit.

Wish I’d kept my body.

Can’t even fondle his corpse now.”

And she kind of feels pretty bad about the whole thing

and makes a flower grow out of his corpse

as a kind of a consolation prize for dying.

So from now on

every time you see a narcissus flower

just remember

that if you are beautiful

you should never drink water

because it is too dangerous.

So Persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter

who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot

and she is also incredibly hot.

So hot, in fact

that Hades is down in the underworld (which is also called Hades actually)

and he looks up one day and he sees her and he goes “DAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAA

AAAAA

AAAA

YUM.

I gotta get me some of
that
.”

So he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness

and he says “Hey, little girl do you want to come to hell?”

and she probably would have said no

only he kidnapped her.

Basically Hades is the ultimate ladies’ man.

So then they’re kind of hanging out down in hell

and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell

but it’s actually a little bit better with Persephone there

because she’s not a little emo bitch like Hades is all the time

even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM ALL TO HIMSELF.

Seriously, why’s he always gotta be moping?

Anyway, Persephone pulls some interior decorating like some spooky feng shui and shit

and WHAM

hell is a pretty okay place to live all of a sudden.

But all is not well

because meanwhile, Persephone’s mom, Demeter, is up in the regular world

fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter

and it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hell.

So Demeter gets real depressed

and when Demeter gets depressed

all the plants die

and everything freezes

and being alive just kind of starts to suck

because she is the goddess of like crops and seasons and whatnot.

And see, up to this point no one has even heard of winter

but now they are getting nothing but winter

nonstop and out of control

24/7/365

except actually maybe only for several months

but either way

shit is intolerable.

So Zeus gets fed up

and he goes and hits Demeter up, and he says

“HEY, BITCH, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE WINTER?”

and Demeter says “Hmm, I dunno.

Maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hell?”

And Zeus says “Hmm, good point.”

So he goes down to the underworld

and he says “Listen, bro

I hate to block your cock, but like

shit is completely intolerable up in the real world

and it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down

at this ball-freezing temperature.

So give Demeter her daughter back

and don’t you dare try any funny business

such as for example feeding her any food at all from the underworld

because as you know

if she eats any of it

she will be forced to stay in Hades with you forever.

’Cause that’s one of those dumb rules you have when you’re a god.”

And Hades says “Yeah, bro, for sure. That would be a tragedy.

Nobody wants that.”

and then as soon as Zeus is out the door Hades turns around

all like “’Sup, Persephone?”

and Persephone says “’Sup?”

and Hades is like “Hey, are you hungry?”

and she says “Well, now that you mention it

I haven’t eaten or drunk a single thing since you brought me down here months ago.”

(Hades is the consummate host)

So Hades goes “Well, hey

absolutely the only thing we have to eat here in the underworld

is POMEGRANATES.”

(Which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and Hades should stop whining.)

So he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a time

and he manages to stuff six into her mouth

when her mom shows up

like “Okay, honey

time to go home”

and Persephone says “Okay

I was getting kind of tired of getting raped in hell anyway.”

and Hades says “HAHAHA PRANK’D

I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAY NOW”

And Demeter is like “ZEUUUUSSSS!”

And Zeus is extremely flustered

because he has probably just been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boning

and he says “OKAY

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS

JUST . . . JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE

LIKE I KNOW THERE’S A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD OR WHATEVER

AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE HONESTLY

BUT LIKE

I AM LITERALLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERE

SO HOW ABOUT HADES GETS HER FOR SIX MONTHS

AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER SIX?”

and Demeter says “Fine

but I’m gonna freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is gone.”

and Zeus says “Fine

guess I’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging I do in the summer.”

and Hades says “Fine

I guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging I do during the winter.”

And it works out in the end

because both Zeus and Hades know

that when either one of them is getting laid

he does not have to ever worry about thinking about the other one having any sex

and just ruining the mood

because they both know for a fact

that they are never getting laid at the same time ever.

That’s how that works.

So the moral of this story is once again for the gentlemen:

Gentlemen

learn to cook

one home-cooked meal, and BAM

she will be trapped inside of your house forever

or for half the year if she has a good lawyer.